Why did I not hear back from a guy I went out with?

[reinventmyself]

. The second one is that he doesn't ask me enough questions about myself, and doesn't seem to want to know me on a deep level. Our conversations are always about some other things.

 

 

I can totally connect to this guy on a deep level. This is why I reached out to him after I didn't hear back from him after our last date.

 

These two observations are contradictory. How can you connect with someone who isn't interested and asking questions about you?

That was what you first came here about. . the fact that you so much as told this guy he needed to start showing more interest and ask questions.

 

I don't know. It just struck a cord with me. I dated someone last year who loved to talk about himself and never asked a single question.

I would volunteer things but the conversation would just go back to him.

 

After a couple months I bailed. I am pretty sure if you were ask him my last name he couldn't tell you.

I left for the very reason you mention . .I could not connect with a man and an intimate level is he wasn't interested in knowing me.

[notalady]

I dated someone last year who loved to talk about himself and never asked a single question.

I would volunteer things but the conversation would just go back to him.

 

After a couple months I bailed. I am pretty sure if you were ask him my last name he couldn't tell you.

 

Yep, I've met those too. Had 3 dates with this guy who is really good looking, so I was pretty distracted by that for the first two dates and didn't notice as much that he was talking about himself a lot and not asking much about me and the conversation always circles back to him. By the third date though, I've calmed down and it became clear that he was pretty self absorbed (along with a few other red flags), and it was just...boring. He bored me to death with his talk about himself.

[Nina95]

So guys, I did it! Thanks so much for encouraging me to ask him in a direct and straightforward fashion. Betya33 and Mustlovedogs, especially you, guys!!

 

Anyways, I texted again, "Hey, when are you back in town? Would you like to go out for a meal or do something active? I don't know in what capacity and all, I just want to see you again". I felt like I wanted to add the last sentence, for I really don't want to put him in any box just yet.

 

He, "Hi, this is my non work phone with a better international tariff. Back on Sunday, but then have a friend from Canada staying with me for a week. 7pm Friday the 17th works for me. Then I 'm away skiing for a few days".

 

It was quite unnerving to have to open his message, I must say. But happy he wants to meet. Although not sounding especially keen, he offered concrete day and time, not like "yeah, we can meet sometime", and seems to have offered me the first available opportunity.

 

So I said, "Great! Next Friday works for me too. Can you think of what to do, and I will do too."

 

Pretty neat.

Hi OP. I like your thread and story- telling style I'm subscribing. Keep us posted on how the date goes, yes?

 

I was happy to read this outcome but, sorry to be a party pooper, I have to agree with some posters: I honestly get sort of an off vibe from him (meaning from the exchanges and the way you describe him, etc). I do sense that he is not very interested, the few red flags include:

 

- the lack of questions about/interest in your life. I can understand discussing current topics and whatnot on the first dates, but these are also the time to ask EACH OTHER about the other person - work, what you do, school, where you came from, hobbies, goals or passions, stuff that can (and should) remain light and pleasant on these first few dates, but still substantial. And mutual, not just from one party.

 

-the very title of your post: you not hearing back from him until you reached out now. The time before this last text you sent now expressing clear interest in seeing him again, you did hint about the bike riding, and he basically didnt respond to that, just commented on your pretty new profile pic. I just dont believe that he didnt get the hint of you being interested in another date that other time.

 

-lastly, the detailed mention he provided of his other plans around the day you two are to meet up, also sounded off-putting.

 

I'm rooting for you either way, good luck and happy dating!

[Broomwood]

These two observations are contradictory. How can you connect with someone who isn't interested and asking questions about you?

That was what you first came here about. . the fact that you so much as told this guy he needed to start showing more interest and ask questions.

 

I don't know. It just struck a cord with me. I dated someone last year who loved to talk about himself and never asked a single question.

I would volunteer things but the conversation would just go back to him.

 

After a couple months I bailed. I am pretty sure if you were ask him my last name he couldn't tell you.

I left for the very reason you mention . .I could not connect with a man and an intimate level is he wasn't interested in knowing me.

 

You can connect to someone one the basis of common values, not necessarily personal, intimate level. He and I are both interested in self evolution, in evolution of the mankind, learning and teaching others the wisdom we know, we both are opposed to materialistic consumerist culture of western societies etc (to put it in simple terms). In a nutshell, he and I share idealism. I can totally see him as my dear friend, but not sure as a lover and partner. He does't talk too much about himself, rather we talk about external things. And he gives the vibe of a worldly guy, who doesn't have to work, can take holidays when he wants, his friends are hedge fund managers (not just any hedge fund but the second largest one). I dated a worldly guy like that back few years ago, but he was so shallow. This one is far from being shallow. Still until last time i didn't even consider him as a potential boyfriend. Last time he was different. Told me about his mother and sister, he's close to them, and what each of them has on their plate right now, asked me about my kids and what they are like, what game they like to play, what school they go to. Then we talked about his goals after he's sold his business. And he was very open with me, and I was too, and we did connect. Even though it was not a talk about me. To give him credit, on our fist date he asked quite a few questions about myself.

 

You maybe totally right and we won't connect on the intimate level at all. This is what I will attempt to do this time. Although not certain yet how.. Any suggestions?

[Batya33]

So how does he find common ground with hedge fund managers who I would think would be at least not against materialism and a fan of Western societies?

[Broomwood]

Hi OP. I like your thread and story- telling style I'm subscribing. Keep us posted on how the date goes, yes?

 

I was happy to read this outcome but, sorry to be a party pooper, I have to agree with some posters: I honestly get sort of an off vibe from him (meaning from the exchanges and the way you describe him, etc). I do sense that he is not very interested, the few red flags include:

 

- the lack of questions about/interest in your life. I can understand discussing current topics and whatnot on the first dates, but these are also the time to ask EACH OTHER about the other person - work, what you do, school, where you came from, hobbies, goals or passions, stuff that can (and should) remain light and pleasant on these first few dates, but still substantial. And mutual, not just from one party.

 

-the very title of your post: you not hearing back from him until you reached out now. The time before this last text you sent now expressing clear interest in seeing him again, you did hint about the bike riding, and he basically didnt respond to that, just commented on your pretty new profile pic. I just dont believe that he didnt get the hint of you being interested in another date that other time.

 

-lastly, the detailed mention he provided of his other plans around the day you two are to meet up, also sounded off-putting.

 

I'm rooting for you either way, good luck and happy dating!

 

These are very valid points you bring, LoveNC. See, he's English, and English guys are a special breed. A repressed lot, let's call them that.

 

I don't have much hopes or expectations of this meeting as a date per se. However, I find this guy fascinating and cool, and I kept fighting myself that I want to see him again. Possibly to discuss and share our idealism once again. I am thinking that if I can befriend him, that'd make me really happy. So, I am thinking of what to do on this date, and how to play my cards right. I know many here think it should all be natural, but I don't think I subscribe to this view yet. I am asking myself should I flirt with him and be seductive - I rarely ever do that with him - or should I give in and have a lot of light fun and banter - he's hilarious and makes me laugh a lot, or should I try to be open and vulnerable and talk about things that matter to me, and see how he responds, and if he reciprocates. Or a mixture of these.

What would you do?

[Broomwood]

So how does he find common ground with hedge fund managers who I would think would be at least not against materialism and a fan of Western societies?

 

They are his clients and friends to a point, I suppose. As I wrote earlier, he had shared that materialistic life style too, but since reconsidered, and reformed himself. That's why I said he's a reformed jet setter. Currently, he lives in a modest place, drives modest cars and doesn't drink at all.

[blueowl32]

These are very valid points you bring, LoveNC. See, he's English, and English guys are a special breed. A repressed lot, let's call them that.

 

I don't have much hopes or expectations of this meeting as a date per se. However, I find this guy fascinating and cool, and I kept fighting myself that I want to see him again. Possibly to discuss and share our idealism once again. I am thinking that if I can befriend him, that'd make me really happy. So, I am thinking of what to do on this date, and how to play my cards right. I know many here think it should all be natural, but I don't think I subscribe to this view yet. I am asking myself should I flirt with him and be seductive - I rarely ever do that with him - or should I give in and have a lot of light fun and banter - he's hilarious and makes me laugh a lot, or should I try to be open and vulnerable and talk about things that matter to me, and see how he responds, and if he reciprocates. Or a mixture of these.

What would you do?

 

English guys are such a special breed indeed. I find them repressed too.

[blueowl32]

Broomwood, I feel that you are similar to me, in that we tend to overthink a lot.

Really try to just be natural and you though. It's better to let things happen organically. Takes away the stress from you too.

It's supposed to be easy and fluid. Just do what you feel like doing at that moment, and don't overthink it.

Mirroring might be something safe to do if you are unsure. If he flirts and is light and playful, mirror that. etc.

 

Obviously I am inexperienced, but that's what I feel you should do. Just be naturally you.

[Batya33]

They are his clients and friends to a point, I suppose. As I wrote earlier, he had shared that materialistic life style too, but since reconsidered, and reformed himself. That's why I said he's a reformed jet setter. Currently, he lives in a modest place, drives modest cars and doesn't drink at all.

 

Consider whether it's a bit easier/convenient for him to be idealistic and "reform" since he doesn't have to work. You write that he enjoys that lifestyle -not having to work, taking vacations when he wants to - and that probably is because he benefited from Western society and working for large corporations, yes? Nothing wrong with that I'd just watch out for the authenticity of his "reform" when it comes to eschewing materialism. The less drinking of course is a great way to reform health-wise.

[marinami]

Well, some people don't get attached to people easily, so maybe he had fun at those three dates and that was it. I don't like things to change this way too, so this is what I always do: I open myself and ask what's happening. I'd rather hear 'I'm not interested' than not have a conclusion. Some people would find it lack of confidence or self estime, but I find this reliefing.

[annie24]

I don't have much to add onto whatever everyone else said, but just say that I feel you!!

[Batya33]

These are very valid points you bring, LoveNC. See, he's English, and English guys are a special breed. A repressed lot, let's call them that.

 

I don't have much hopes or expectations of this meeting as a date per se. However, I find this guy fascinating and cool, and I kept fighting myself that I want to see him again. Possibly to discuss and share our idealism once again. I am thinking that if I can befriend him, that'd make me really happy. So, I am thinking of what to do on this date, and how to play my cards right. I know many here think it should all be natural, but I don't think I subscribe to this view yet. I am asking myself should I flirt with him and be seductive - I rarely ever do that with him - or should I give in and have a lot of light fun and banter - he's hilarious and makes me laugh a lot, or should I try to be open and vulnerable and talk about things that matter to me, and see how he responds, and if he reciprocates. Or a mixture of these.

What would you do?

 

I wouldn't rehearse. He is responsible for half of the conversation and topics. Here are some things my husband and I talked about this past week: Brady Bunch artwork, the realistic potential if one gets a Phd at age 55, whether it's weird to care that your friend is jealous of a mutual friend but not of you, Shark Tank (a show we watch together), some political stuff (concerning health care, International Women's Day, etc), a relative's choice of significant other who wants babies yesterday, and how I should structure a work project. All of that was in person or on the phone and none of that was planned except sometimes because we're so busy I remind myself to tell him something that happened, etc. It's basically always been like that for us -maybe on the first lunch date many years ago he had an agenda (he wanted to know why I'd chosen the career I did, etc) but we just sort of hang out and chat. We're both very intellectually curious, both interested in individuals more than causes, and part of what clicks is that we can just hang that way. We have enough times where we have to talk about specific things -both mundane and sensitive - we're married, parents, working - stuff comes up! - but I think it's best if you can just hang and get to know each other at a reasonable pace over time. Trying to direct a conversation too much will feel awkward and likely won't trigger genuine responses.

[Broomwood]

Well, some people don't get attached to people easily, so maybe he had fun at those three dates and that was it. I don't like things to change this way too, so this is what I always do: I open myself and ask what's happening. I'd rather hear 'I'm not interested' than not have a conclusion. Some people would find it lack of confidence or self estime, but I find this reliefing.

 

Marinami, this is how I feel to, just to open up and ask him directly if there was another misunderstanding or what. I even felt like asking him in a text, but because he's not talking to me, and I have already made two steps forward, I think it's more prudent to wait until the date to bring it up. It will depend how it goes of course.

He seems fairly repressed on the feelings side, and doesn't drink at all. So I don't know how and what will make him open up and show me what he is feeling.

[Broomwood]

I wouldn't rehearse. He is responsible for half of the conversation and topics. Here are some things my husband and I talked about this past week: Brady Bunch artwork, the realistic potential if one gets a Phd at age 55, whether it's weird to care that your friend is jealous of a mutual friend but not of you, Shark Tank (a show we watch together), some political stuff (concerning health care, International Women's Day, etc), a relative's choice of significant other who wants babies yesterday, and how I should structure a work project. All of that was in person or on the phone and none of that was planned except sometimes because we're so busy I remind myself to tell him something that happened, etc. It's basically always been like that for us -maybe on the first lunch date many years ago he had an agenda (he wanted to know why I'd chosen the career I did, etc) but we just sort of hang out and chat. We're both very intellectually curious, both interested in individuals more than causes, and part of what clicks is that we can just hang that way. We have enough times where we have to talk about specific things -both mundane and sensitive - we're married, parents, working - stuff comes up! - but I think it's best if you can just hang and get to know each other at a reasonable pace over time. Trying to direct a conversation too much will feel awkward and likely won't trigger genuine responses.

 

This is great, Batya33!! This is the kind of conversations I would want to have with my husband! And I now vowed to only date guys, who I get attracted to mentally as well as physically and spiritually. In the past, I'd have a crush, and jump into a relationship knowing that the guy doesn't stimulate me intellectually at all or not that much. It is true they provided something else that I needed - love, care, nurturing etc. and that came to me first.

 

With this guy, I feel that I know what I need to do, but I'll leave it to decide on the spur of the moment. You're right, I can make a plan and rehearse my part only to find myself out of sink with him completely.

[Batya33]

This is great, Batya33!! This is the kind of conversations I would want to have with my husband! And I now vowed to only date guys, who I get attracted to mentally as well as physically and spiritually. In the past, I'd have a crush, and jump into a relationship knowing that the guy doesn't stimulate me intellectually at all or not that much. It is true they provided something else that I needed - love, care, nurturing etc. and that came to me first.

 

With this guy, I feel that I know what I need to do, but I'll leave it to decide on the spur of the moment. You're right, I can make a plan and rehearse my part only to find myself out of sink with him completely.

 

Especially if he is in a sink, then you'd really be out of sync! I think for you the intellectual might be more important than the spiritual or at least equal. I can relate entirely to that. I find the challenge with people who are more into causes like "idealism" than individuals is keeping the conversation comfortable and flowing because "idealism" can come across as vague, general or ethereal and while you can have a very "deep" conversation (if that is your definition of deep) it seems to me it doesn't have as long a shelf life as having deep conversations about individual people (not just for gossip though) or about activities you or he is doing to promote your form of idealism.

[IAmFCA]

In terms of asking him his level of interest, try to think of it in terms of next action steps instead of feelings. Would he like to go out again? Vs How do you feel about me? Not that either one is exactly right, but to show the contrast. He doesnt have to "open up" if it is just about a next action step and that is all you need to know. If you have to ask at all...

 

Last week I had a one hour date with a new interest; it was the third time we've met 3for a date. Our conversation reflects the time of day and we both had more appointments afterwards. We talked about fraud, non profit boards, political donations, branding, underperforming partners, a doctors visit, & the mercurial weather. By text yesterday we talked about a restaurant, the pointlessness of boyfriend/girlfriend, sexual discretion, and that we all are gifted and what to do about it, and why.

 

My other interest i've known for about 18 months. When we see each other we say very little. He is an introvert. We can eat together with quiet in between topics and he will say that it was fun. It is fun, of a different sort. He is thinking in long form, what comes out is only the conclusion. We talked about politics, the weather, the weekend, and college admissions. Something he brought me reflected that he was listening two weeks ago to an off hand comment i made - that he heard, remembered, and took it seriously.

 

My exH had no interest in talking this way. I knew that but didn't know how important it is. He was disengaged. It represented a much bigger problem around emotional intimacy.

 

With both men i have struggled internally at times. When getting my message across to them, I was effective only when I stripped it of feelings altogether. Turns out that exercise forced me to clarify my thinking, and i became more effective with myself.

[Broomwood]

These are interesting topics!, IthinkI can. The introverted man.. I know exactly what you mean by his thinking a long way. And while I can understand it, and relate to it, having a partner of that type is not for everybody. Glad that you seem to like it.

 

The problem for me is not to find topics to talk to him about - there are plenty - but rather how to have emotional intimacy of the kind I like. Where I feel that he is interested in me per se, not just finding me interesting to talk to, or have fun with. This part I already know. Emotional intimacy of the kind is essential to me. According to Five Love Languages, this is primary means thereby I feel loved. I think this is true for most of the female population.

[Broomwood]

Especially if he is in a sink, then you'd really be out of sync! I think for you the intellectual might be more important than the spiritual or at least equal. I can relate entirely to that. I find the challenge with people who are more into causes like "idealism" than individuals is keeping the conversation comfortable and flowing because "idealism" can come across as vague, general or ethereal and while you can have a very "deep" conversation (if that is your definition of deep) it seems to me it doesn't have as long a shelf life as having deep conversations about individual people (not just for gossip though) or about activities you or he is doing to promote your form of idealism.

 

Spot on sink vs sync! I think too he'll be in a sink! You're surprisingly perceptive - correct that I find brain a bigger turn on than the heart. Though heart is important too, and I am on the spiritual path. Though on and off..

[IAmFCA]

These are interesting topics!, IthinkI can. The introverted man.. I know exactly what you mean by his thinking a long way. And while I can understand it, and relate to it, having a partner of that type is not for everybody. Glad that you seem to like it.

 

The problem for me is not to find topics to talk to him about - there are plenty - but rather how to have emotional intimacy of the kind I like. Where I feel that he is interested in me per se, not just finding me interesting to talk to, or have fun with. This part I already know. Emotional intimacy of the kind is essential to me. According to Five Love Languages, this is primary means thereby I feel loved. I think this is true for most of the female population.

 

Emotional intimacy is my number 1 value as well. We communicate this in part by touch. We have also created a safe space for each other by expressing our frustration or dislike when necessary without attacking the other person, and by taking responsibility for what we need or did, whether the other person approves or not. We tend to think of each other's time as a gift, so in a sense that is like gift giving as a language - but not buying gifts. I suppose that means we use touch and quality time.

 

Of the 5 languages, what do you think are your primary ways how you give and receive love? Touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, or quality time... I think I missed that in your post.

[mickychu]

Maybe he didn't like you? Why don't you try the others? There are many better men than him. Online dating is popular and you can try. You need to find a person that love you more. I use dating app like Tinder and Millionaire Match to find partners. It's good. Hope you find the one that love you as much as you love him.

[musicman777]

He is one of these very handsome, tall and very successful guys who is also a bit arrogant.

...

But I don't understand why he hasn't got back to me as he obviously liked me.

 

I skimmed over the other replies here and read your original post. Can you not see this guy wasn't into you? He did nothing to remotely show you he was interested besides agreeing to dates and things. He didn't show much interest in you, didn't really ask you a lot about his life. I think you are just attracted to him because he is "tall" and "successful". Go find someone else and don't bother because you are wasting your time.

[Broomwood]

Hi guys, as promised, here's an update from the date yesterday. Again he knocked my socks off completely. The date was on, he didn't cancel as some here suggested he might do. More he had a flight to catch very early the following morning, and agreed to an all nighter because I really wanted to go a particular concert that started and ended late.

 

When we met he stared me straight in my face and in the eyes trying to read something there, and was his usual laid back, smooth, worldly guy. Him staring in my eyes so much reminded me of the purpose of this meeting - to show him that I liked him and not to hide away- so I suppose, I shyly stared back, and then started flirting with him. He reciprocated, and then the next thing I see we walk holding hands, sit holding hands and share spoons in a restaurant, and then being very affectionate with each other during the concert. He surprised me by how much affection he had for me. I could never tell there was so much passion and warmth behind his cool exterior. Anyways, throughout the entire concert we sat limbs and bodies comfortably and intimately intertwined. We kissed of course, and then more in a taxi home. I was surprised with myself how comfortable I felt with him, and how natural it felt giving and receiving affection from him. Agreed to see each other next weekend when he's back.

 

Still I wanted to find out what he thought had happened last time we went out, if he thought I was cold, and what he thought in general. He said that he didn't find me cold, no. And then asked, "so do you want to talk about feelings?" "Do you want me to talk about my feelings?" I said, I'd be interested to know. And he answered that in his opinion it was a bit too early for that. I said that I completely agreed, and we left it at that.

 

Voila.

[Broomwood]

Emotional intimacy is my number 1 value as well. We communicate this in part by touch. We have also created a safe space for each other by expressing our frustration or dislike when necessary without attacking the other person, and by taking responsibility for what we need or did, whether the other person approves or not. We tend to think of each other's time as a gift, so in a sense that is like gift giving as a language - but not buying gifts. I suppose that means we use touch and quality time.

 

Of the 5 languages, what do you think are your primary ways how you give and receive love? Touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, or quality time... I think I missed that in your post.

 

Hi IthinkIcan, sorry for my late response. Well, I am definitely touch + quality time/intimate conversation. And he's touch + something else. Likely words of affirmation. So there maybe a swap if we agree on the terms.

 

"We communicate this in part by touch. We have also created a safe space for each other by expressing our frustration or dislike when necessary without attacking the other person, and by taking responsibility for what we need or did, whether the other person approves or not. We tend to think of each other's time as a gift, so in a sense that is like gift giving as a language - but not buying gifts. I suppose that means we use touch and quality time. " - this is great! This is what I want too. Do you think someone being only half of our copy will be able to learn to provide the other half to us? What I mean is you are both A+B, and it's natural and flowing. This guy and myself are different, A is the only common denominator between us. As I wrote above, do you think we can have a beneficial exchange swapping C for B?

[IAmFCA]

Hi IthinkIcan, sorry for my late response. Well, I am definitely touch + quality time/intimate conversation. And he's touch + something else. Likely words of affirmation. So there maybe a swap if we agree on the terms.

 

"We communicate this in part by touch. We have also created a safe space for each other by expressing our frustration or dislike when necessary without attacking the other person, and by taking responsibility for what we need or did, whether the other person approves or not. We tend to think of each other's time as a gift, so in a sense that is like gift giving as a language - but not buying gifts. I suppose that means we use touch and quality time. " - this is great! This is what I want too. Do you think someone being only half of our copy will be able to learn to provide the other half to us? What I mean is you are both A+B, and it's natural and flowing. This guy and myself are different, A is the only common denominator between us. As I wrote above, do you think we can have a beneficial exchange swapping C for B?

 

Interesting!

 

I suggest you try to discern what he might want to receive, and give it to him if you feel comfortable.

 

Because you can change only you and because i dont suggest you try to teach him anything no matter how small:

 

I suggest you figure out how he expresses love (or its predessor emotions) and appreciate that.

 

As you make incremental changes, he might make little adjustments too. In theory he will feel more comfortable and more appreciated, and as he feels seen in that way, he will feel safer to give more of himself.