Why did I not hear back from a guy I went out with?

[Broomwood]

You said his last text was him wishing you fun at your dance performance. And that was it, nothing since?

 

Did you respond to that text? If not, why not? Have you bothered to text him at all? Or do you just expect him to take all the initiative? If you like him, text him!

 

Um, it was like this. Verbatim. He, "I am heading into X to visit some bike shop and buy a shirt. The plan was to cycle today but instead I am going to try and keep warm. Cirque is awesome! I hope you have a great time Me, "I see. Well, I hope you have some fun today".

 

Now in retrospect mine looks like a lame response. I think it reads "what a boring weekend you have, dude"

[boltnrun]

"I see" seems kind of passive-aggressive. Like you expected he'd want to spend time with you or something.

 

Maybe that's not the case, but "I see" always seems like the person is expressing disappointment.

[notalady]

Um, it was like this. Verbatim. He, "I am heading into X to visit some bike shop and buy a shirt. The plan was to cycle today but instead I am going to try and keep warm. Cirque is awesome! I hope you have a great time Me, "I see. Well, I hope you have some fun today".

 

Now in retrospect mine looks like a lame response. I think it reads "what a boring weekend you have, dude"

 

He didn't ask you out on another date. His communication was already looking like he's being polite and letting it fade naturally in that message. Seeing this type of "oh that sounds great, I'm doing XYZ, hope you have fun" message, with no follow up on another date invite or invite to talk further or to keep in touch is classic sign that they're trying to fade out. Seen it, and done it, many times.

 

The lack of (further) interest was clear before you said anything. So... don't worry about whether you said something wrong.

[Broomwood]

"I see" seems kind of passive-aggressive. Like you expected he'd want to spend time with you or something.

 

Maybe that's not the case, but "I see" always seems like the person is expressing disappointment.

 

When I read things like this, I want to retort that I am not English or American, and this is not my language. Not only this is not my language, this is not my culture.

I am trying, but it is not easy to always have the right feel for the language. But point taken. Thanks!

[katrina1980]

He didn't ask you out on another date. His communication was already looking like he's being polite and letting it fade naturally in that message. Seeing this type of "oh that sounds great, I'm doing XYZ, hope you have fun" message, with no follow up on another date invite or invite to talk further or to keep in touch is classic sign that they're trying to fade out. Seen it, and done it, many times.

 

The lack of (further) interest was clear before you said anything. So... don't worry about whether you said something wrong.

 

I have to disagree with this. His text showed enthusiasm, hers showed apathy or passive-aggressive attitude.. I think saying he did not ask for another date shows self-entitlement. I see a lot of this on here, self-entitlement and projection from the female posters. The man should do this the man should do that. Or he is an a hole and doesn't care because my last boyfriend was an and didn't care. Every situation and relationship is different from another, people seem to forget that.

 

I see no reason why she couldn't show more enthusiasm and even initiate the next date. It's 2017, not 1957 and even in 1957 women were initiating dates.

[notalady]

I have to disagree with this. His text showed enthusiasm, hers showed apathy or passive-aggressive attitude.. I think saying he did not ask for another date shows self-entitlement. I see a lot of this on here, self-entitlement from the female posters. The man should do this the man should do that.

 

I see no reason why she couldn't show more enthusiasm and even initiate the next date. It's 2017, not 1957 and even in 1957 women were initiating dates.

 

I didn't see her message as passive aggressive or apathetic. Some people are not great with expressing emotions on text, for all you know they could be laughing their heads off at your joke and only respond with "ok" or "I see". I typically don't judge interest or emotion through the perceived tone of a text, especially when it seems toneless / expressionless / neutral. It's more important if there's follow up action (eg asking for another date).

 

Yes she could've asked him out on a date. I typically don't for the first 3 or so dates, because guys typically do, if they are interested. That's the only way I can know if a guy is interested, that and of course how they behave on dates. I have asked guys out on first meets and maybe a second or third date. And they would agree to go, but at the end of the day, is just not interested enough to follow up with another date after that. Guys who are interested, without fail, always followed up with asking for more dates for the first number of dates. It's not about what year you're in, or feeling entitled, it's all about assessing interest.

 

I offer to pay my share on the first two dates and if by the third date, the guy hadn't let me pay, I would insist on paying for the whole bill.

 

To me, dating is like a bit of a dance. It's not really "they must do this or that, or else they are this or that". When I've been on dates with people with similar views and values, it all flows naturally and that's how I want it to be. If things don't flow, and there's miscommunication or misunderstanding so early on, it just tells me that we're not a match.

[HeartGoesOn]

Mod Note: Please remain respectful towards other members.

[katrina1980]

He initiated the first 3 dates this would be there 4th date. And did it occur to you that he could be needing her to show interest too? Why is it on the man to always be the one to show it? She could have texted him too. It goes both ways.

 

That being said, he could have lost interest, I don't see any evidence of that from what been posted and again he could be thinking same about her.

 

I say text him and initiate another date. If he ignores or declines gives excuse, then move on.

 

Apologies if I was disrespectful in any way.

[notalady]

And did it occur to you that he could be needing her to show interest too?

 

Apologies if I was disrespectful in any way.

 

Yes you seem a bit condescending in the way you made your previous post and even this one, as above. Wasn't going to say anything but since the mod posted...

 

Yes it did occur to me that he needs her to show interest too. Women who are interested tend to show a lot of interest and enthusiasm while on the date, and are enthusiastic about reciprocating of any physical touching or kissing (or might even initiate it), that's how guys typically assess if a woman is interested. So it's likely that her telling him what was not working for her, and responding with "getting there" in relation to her comfort with him holding her hand, may have seemed like disinterest and that's fine.

 

Initiating dates early on might work for you, it might not work for someone else, and some women aren't comfortable doing that. There's no right or wrong in either. You just date people whose approach matches yours.

 

Nothing to lose to ask. But at this point, it seems like a lost cause to me, especially given OP didn't seem all that interested to begin with (dating another guy and didn't even notice this guy had stopped communicating until the other guy didn't work out).

[katrina1980]

 

But at this point, it seems like a lost cause to me, especially given OP didn't seem all that interested to begin with (dating another guy and didn't even notice this guy had stopped communicating until the other guy didn't work out).

 

Agree with this and maybe he sensed this also and this is why she has not heard back from him.

 

Again I am sorry that I came off condescending. I didn't mean to, I am far too outspoken sometImes, I will have to watch that if I continue posting.

[boltnrun]

When I read things like this, I want to retort that I am not English or American, and this is not my language. Not only this is not my language, this is not my culture.

I am trying, but it is not easy to always have the right feel for the language. But point taken. Thanks!

 

Yeah, American English is complicated and doesn't make much sense sometimes. Our slang phrases are really weird. Like the saying "Better fish to fry". Like, what???

 

However, I didn't know you are not British or American. If I'd known it would have affected my response.

 

Anyway, there are more fish in the sea! Seems like you have no trouble getting dates, so it's likely you'll meet someone right for you.

[Broomwood]

Thank you so much to you guys, Notalady, Prajna and Boltnrun. Very good points. I agree with Prajna's assessment that I didn't show interest - which I didn't - on the date and afterwords. The fact that we were only talking politics on the way back emphasised the "friendly" spin, which I initially wanted the relationship to take, and told him about. It maybe a lost cause but for my own sake of learning about men and relationships, I am going to send him a text tomorrow. Will see how how he responds. My gut feeling tells me he had mistaken my coolness for lack of interest. I was interested to date him, just wasn't proactive enough - busy with the other guy plus everything else.

[Batya33]

I think you are onto something here. Intuitively I feel that this is the right answer. Otherwise, why would he want to hold hands with me?

 

So, what I would do is to contact him, only if just to test my hypothesis, and see how it goes from there.

 

Did you learn a lot about meeting 100+ men in person? Did you glean any interesting insights that you want to share with us?

 

I think I learned a lot about myself, about dating and social skills over the years (24) that I dated before I got married. I learned that there are people who are perfect on paper but not perfect for me, that I had to become the right person to find the right person and that in any date I was 50% responsible for the conversation -and he was responsible for the other 50% -neither of was there to entertain the other or pull teeth to make conversation.

[notalady]

The fact that we were only talking politics on the way back emphasised the "friendly" spin, which I initially wanted the relationship to take, and told him about.

 

Do you mean you told him you want to be friends?

[katrina1980]

I disagree. If a guy cannot focus his attention on me and does not ask me question about myself, I cannot be with this guy. So for me it was essential to understand this as soon as possible.

 

This could be moot now since you said you are going to contact him, but many men don't know to ask questions, they are more into proving their value to you, impressing you. So they talk about themselves more. My own boyfriend was like this in the beginning. So was I for that matter. As we spent more time together and saw each other in different situations, engaging with different people, we got to know each other that way.

 

As we got more comfortable with each other, more familiar and trusting, we both started opening up about ourselves and our lives and feelings, we didn't need to be asked. It all came very naturally due to us feeling safer (emotionally) and trusting of each other. This takes time, for us almost an entire year.

 

As far as him not focusing all his attention on you while on the date, who or what was he focusing it on, if not on you?

[Broomwood]

After the first date, yes, because I saw him more of a spoilt guy, who is used to having his way with the girls. He's a reformed jet setter. I turned my back to him at the strike of a clock at midnight - we were together at a new year's party - while he wanted to kiss me, he said later. He got pissed with me.. and thought that I didn't fancy him. But we cleared this off later..

[notalady]

After the first date, yes, because I saw him more of a spoilt guy, who is used to having his way with the girls. He's a reformed jet setter. I turned my back to him at the strike of a clock at midnight - we were together at a new year's party - while he wanted to kiss me, he said later. He got pissed with me.. and thought that I didn't fancy him. But we cleared this off later..

 

I think the more important question is... why do you even wonder why he stopped contacting you after all these misunderstandings and miscommunications (and well, they're not really misunderstandings, you showed disinterest in action, even though your words said you were interested). Is it any wonder why he took the hint and walked away?

 

Not that it's a problem, since you're not that interested. Just weird that you seem oblivious as to why it happened. If it was me, I'd be like, meh, fair enough, onto the next.

[Broomwood]

That's a good point about some people needing time to ask questions. I don't have prior experience of that, hence not able to see that point of view initially. For me what matters is that he has improved after I asked him, and while not perfect, this would have been enough to for me to date him some more.

Um, no, he wasn't focusing it on anyone else, it was just dispersed, here and there. He was mosty joking, being witty and engaging me in light banter while I wanted something more substantial. The third time I got a meaningful and substantial conversation the way I like it, but it wasn't funny and we didn't laugh at all.. which I thought was a pity. But I guess it's one or the other.

[Broomwood]

I went out with some twenty guys in the last three months. He is one of the three that I liked the most. There's something about him that I admire and also connect to. So I want to see him again. Things took a more exclusive and seriou turn with the other guy who was number 1, and that is why I didn't pursue things with this one. But recently my hopes have quickly crushed. I'm just getting over guy number 1 now, and things are not resolved yet, he keeps texting, and I am still hurting about, but am also thinking what

is next.

[notalady]

He was mosty joking, being witty and engaging me in light banter while I wanted something more substantial. The third time I got a meaningful and substantial conversation the way I like it, but it wasn't funny and we didn't laugh at all.. which I thought was a pity. But I guess it's one or the other.

 

Perhaps it's time to manage your expectations about what happens on the first few dates. People usually like to keep things light until they know you a bit more and feel safe to discuss more serious subjects or share personal experiences. I think it's unrealistic to be expecting a serious discussion but also expect joking and laughing.

 

Why don't you just go with the flow and see where the conversation takes you naturally, rather than having to dictate or spell out how you think it should go or how you would like it to go?

 

If you want to discuss certain topics, you can feel free to bring it up, there's no need to indicate to the other person that you're not happy with the way you converse so far.

[Batya33]

Interesting -you want someone to have substantial, meaningful conversations with and yet you respond to a request for a kiss on NYE by turning your back as you did? How is that good communication? Or sharing so early on criticisms about how he communicates? Sounds like this one is more of a challenge to you -someone you want to "reform" than someone you genuinely like.

[Broomwood]

I think I learned a lot about myself, about dating and social skills over the years (24) that I dated before I got married. I learned that there are people who are perfect on paper but not perfect for me, that I had to become the right person to find the right person and that in any date I was 50% responsible for the conversation -and he was responsible for the other 50% -neither of was there to entertain the other or pull teeth to make conversation.

 

Waw. Thanks for taking the time to respond. This is very profound. .."that I had to become the right person to find the right person and that in any date I was 50% responsible for the conversation -and he was responsible for the other 50% -neither of was there to entertain the other or pull teeth to make conversation"

 

I still need to learn those lessons. Like with that guy I posted about, I felt it was on me to entertain him with some interesting and erudite conversation. Which I did.

I suppose I wanted to impress him, and also not to have a boring ride home where we would have ended up having a small talk..

[Broomwood]

Interesting -you want someone to have substantial, meaningful conversations with and yet you respond to a request for a kiss on NYE by turning your back as you did? How is that good communication? Or sharing so early on criticisms about how he communicates? Sounds like this one is more of a challenge to you -someone you want to "reform" than someone you genuinely like.

 

No, you misunderstood the context. On NYE we were in a bar after the party, and close to midnight watching a clock tick, my face glued to the clock, he's on the left of me, I thought also watching the clock. This was the first time we met!! I didn't know the guy well enough to want to kiss him. I had no idea of his plans to kiss me, he only told me later that it'd have been romanic to kiss as the clock struck 12.

I am a sensitive and sensible person and don't criticise people I don't know. In this case i said - and he had a choice - that if he wanted another date his communication style would need to change.

 

But enough said, look, yes, I do like challenge, but have not attempted to reform anyone yet apart from this guy.

[Broomwood]

Perhaps it's time to manage your expectations about what happens on the first few dates. People usually like to keep things light until they know you a bit more and feel safe to discuss more serious subjects or share personal experiences. I think it's unrealistic to be expecting a serious discussion but also expect joking and laughing.

 

Why don't you just go with the flow and see where the conversation takes you naturally, rather than having to dictate or spell out how you think it should go or how you would like it to go?

 

If you want to discuss certain topics, you can feel free to bring it up, there's no need to indicate to the other person that you're not happy with the way you converse so far.

 

Perhaps. Thanks for your views! I think we all have predefined, set ways of what we like and how we like it, and what should happen next. You are saying that I should have more flexibility and not control the situation as closely. Perhaps. But then I wouldn't be able to say "look, I did all I could with this guy, or in this situation". And I might have regrets. Knowing that I didn't do all I could with the people I really like, is somehow unsettling to me. i like to think that I am in control and that things also depend on what I do or don't do.

[Batya33]

Perhaps. Thanks for your views! I think we all have predefined, set ways of what we like and how we like it, and what should happen next. You are saying that I should have more flexibility and not control the situation as closely. Perhaps. But then I wouldn't be able to say "look, I did all I could with this guy, or in this situation". And I might have regrets. Knowing that I didn't do all I could with the people I really like, is somehow unsettling to me. i like to think that I am in control and that things also depend on what I do or don't do.

 

I would have regrets if I thought I acted too controlling and had set expectations to the extent you do of what should happen next. It's much easier to be rigid/black/white. Obviously we all have standards and values -I stopped communicating with anyone who mentioned sexual stuff early on for example -no flexibility on that -but reevaluate whether every single one of your expectations are essential to your core values. Do that hard work and it will pay off.

Of course things depend on what you do or don't do but you can't control everything. Also, your statement -so if you choose to be controlling, that will change the dynamic between you and the other person - maybe in a negative way - so how would that be "I did all I could".

 

And I don't think you really like this guy -as you wrote, you wanted to 'reform" him. That's not liking him -that's wanting to change someone and not for thoughtful reasons -simply because you think he was a player, etc.