Why would she say this?

[NoLuck]

My partner has a bad habit of berating me and having a tantrum when she does not get her way with me. She would never speak to a stranger or acquaintance that way. I have asked her why she thinks her behavior is acceptable. She told me she knows I love her and will forgive her. She knows someone that doesn't love her will not accept her apology or behavior.

I really don't know how to feel about that response.

It makes me feel like she doesn't respect me or truly love me. She is easy to love and get along with when she is happy, but her tantrums are eroding my feelings.

[melancholy123]

Have you ever heard that old line - familiarity breeds contempt? That's what is going on here. She is nasty to you because she can get away with it. Tell her how you feel and that it's not okay that she talks to you the way she does.

[rosephase]

She is justifying being abusive.

 

I think it's easy for most people to be mean to their partners when they are frustrated or overwhelmed. The fact that she justifies that behavior and says its some kind of vetting system....? That is not good.

 

It's not easy to be kind to your partner 100% of the time. But don't you want a partner that is at least trying? Life is hard. If you are together for any period of time you both are going to deal with hard things. Do you want to be with someone who will take that out on you and say its a test of your love?

[DancingFool]

...wow.....that has got to be the most manipulative thing I've heard in ages. Like she really takes the crown.

 

You are correctly feeling disrespected and frankly, shouldn't put up with it for another day. Putting up with abusive behavior is not love, it's being a doormat. End it and find a more balanced lady to date and be with. The one you are with is always going to be like this - up and down, high highs followed quickly by low lows and emotional abuse or as you call it tantrums. The more you put it with it, the worse it will get for you.

[artsygirl]

Unusual. It's something that people do when they think they can simply get away with things, like people would push around a nice person at school (for example) and get them to do things for them because they know they can. When it crosses the line you stick up for yourself. Give the ultimatum, it's clearly getting to you, she shouldn't be testing your love or how far she can take it

[Dahl]

Just.. Oi, mate. I feel like I should put a wool blanket over your avatar's shoulders and hand it a cup of steaming hot coffee.

 

She is beyond the pale.

 

There's toxic and then there's posting from inside a haz mat suit.

 

Why are you still staying?

[ParisPaulette]

Because people who are abusive know they'll get their teeth knocked in figuratively, verbally and yes sometimes literally if they treat strangers or acquaintances of people with boundaries the way they treat someone who has given them a free pass on their bad behaviors.

 

Next time she pulls that stunt, walk away, go home, block and a delete her. Let her stew in it for a few months while you enjoy the silence and maybe hopefully come to your senses. If she lives with you pack a bag and go stay at a hotel, tell her you'll be looking for apartments 'cause it's done.

 

Mean all if it, and do it. Don't do the above just to threaten, do it because you don't want to be her whipping post anymore. You are an enabler of her abuse, so that's all you are ever going to get. There is only one step to leaving those who are abusive - it's out the door, away from them.

[arjumand]

I had a friend, while not abusive, who would just treat me like a 3rd class citizen and explain that she could do that because she "felt so comfortable with me." This pissed me off no end, and continued for years as I couldn't just shed her -- I was attached to her parents and her children. Then one day she hung up on me mid-sentence, it turns out, because the plumber was calling. I didn't talk to her for 6 months. She is more careful now and I don't tell her much -- she still thinks she got off the phone politely and I am overreacting, rather than her simply hanging up. Also, her children are in their 20s now, but if I am speaking to her (and it is always about her stuff) and one of them calls, she must IMMEDIATELY go, it could be an emergency in which a 21 year old college student desperately needs his mama. I have better friends and put a lot more energy into them.

[milly007]

My partner has a bad habit of berating me and having a tantrum when she does not get her way with me. She would never speak to a stranger or acquaintance that way. I have asked her why she thinks her behavior is acceptable. She told me she knows I love her and will forgive her. She knows someone that doesn't love her will not accept her apology or behavior.

I really don't know how to feel about that response.

It makes me feel like she doesn't respect me or truly love me. She is easy to love and get along with when she is happy, but her tantrums are eroding my feelings.

 

I once knew someone like this. They would become moody and snap at their closest loved ones. Their explanation? Family will forgive because, well...it's family. Yet in front of complete strangers, etc. they were as sweet as pie. Kind of scary, actually, as they had most people fooled.

 

The thing is, and what your girlfriend has to understand, is that you can only take so much, and as time goes on you will begin to resent her more and more. One day you may decide to just walk away because you can't tolerate her behaviour anymore.

 

There's only so much toxicity one can take. She's taking advantage, unfortunately. Up to you regarding how much more you're willing to tolerate. I for one would walk away, unless she's willing to change her ways.

[j.man]

While it sounds like she's acknowledging she did wrong by suggesting there's something for you to forgive, I'd be curious to read any actual examples of what you consider disrespect or a tantrum.

[NoLuck]

While it sounds like she's acknowledging she did wrong by suggesting there's something for you to forgive, I'd be curious to read any actual examples of what you consider disrespect or a tantrum.

 

 

She may get upset if I don't reply to her texts fast enough or if my reply isn't reflecting the amount of love she thinks it should. She can't understand why I may not be available to answer my phone several times per day. She will sulk if I don't want to do the same activity she does. If I want to do something that she doesn't enjoy she will insist on going because she doesn't want me to go with anyone else.

During a tirade she has told me she doesn't care how it makes me feel. These are a few examples.

 

The problem is I get sucked back in when she is not angry. She is the complete opposite and I guess I forgive her until the next time. The highs and lows are becoming too much at this point.

[ParisPaulette]

The problem is I get sucked back in when she is not angry. She is the complete opposite and I guess I forgive her until the next time. The highs and lows are becoming too much at this point.

 

Look up the Cycle of Abuse. It pretty much explains the whole thing you're going through. It's exactly the thing that keeps people with abusive partners long past the point of when they would normally leave if the abusive person stayed being abusive. What you don't understand is she has a craving or yes even addiction to trounce someone, so you're it. Then when she's had her "fix" and realizes she's probably pushed you too far she's calm, until the need for that anger builds again.

 

I worked in a women's shelter. Women can be just as abusive as men, men can be just as abused as a woman, and yes in all senses of the word. I can't tell if this is full-on abuse or just really toxic behavior or what, but the whole highs and lows of good and bad, calm and storm, yeah that sounds a lot like the type of behaviors I saw.

 

You can't fix that in a person or change it for them. They and they alone have that power IF they ever choose to change, and that typically means hitting so far down rock bottom it's either death or change. Even so I'll be blunt, I've seen heroin and meth addicts have an easier time of giving up their addiction than I have an abusive person giving up that need to have anger and use it on others.

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but my original answer remains. You can't change her, only she can do that, and she's so far from that point right now it's more likely she never will. She's been enabled, that's its own drug and addiction to give up and most don't want to do that.

 

When you've had enough you will walk away, because the periods of anger come more and more often, the good times less and less. And it sounds to me like she's escalating. Control of that type, anger of that type that you describe, yeah you can't reason with that. It'll just tear you down until there's nothing left.

[Dahl]

Look up the Cycle of Abuse. It pretty much explains the whole thing you're going through. It's exactly the thing that keeps people with abusive partners long past the point of when they would normally leave if the abusive person stayed being abusive. What you don't understand is she has a craving or yes even addiction to trounce someone, so you're it. Then when she's had her "fix" and realizes she's probably pushed you too far she's calm, until the need for that anger builds again.

 

I worked in a women's shelter. Women can be just as abusive as men, men can be just as abused as a woman, and yes in all senses of the word. I can't tell if this is full-on abuse or just really toxic behavior or what, but the whole highs and lows of good and bad, calm and storm, yeah that sounds a lot like the type of behaviors I saw.

 

You can't fix that in a person or change it for them. They and they alone have that power IF they ever choose to change, and that typically means hitting so far down rock bottom it's either death or change. Even so I'll be blunt, I've seen heroin and meth addicts have an easier time of giving up their addiction than I have an abusive person giving up that need to have anger and use it on others.

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but my original answer remains. You can't change her, only she can do that, and she's so far from that point right now it's more likely she never will. She's been enabled, that's its own drug and addiction to give up and most don't want to do that.

 

When you've had enough you will walk away, because the periods of anger come more and more often, the good times less and less. And it sounds to me like she's escalating. Control of that type, anger of that type that you describe, yeah you can't reason with that. It'll just tear you down until there's nothing left.

 

How elegantly said.