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Everything posted by artsygirl

  1. Perhaps being a little more open-minded would help. I agree that we all have the qualities that we'll like/dislike, and some know their absolute dealbreakers in a relationship, but some of the best connections I've had with people are the ones who categorically would not fit my 'type' at all! In fact, it's actually made me even wonder whether I do have a type after all
  2. This is basically everything I would say. I can't unfortunately see any good coming out of this if you stay. Very hard to walk away from someone you've been with for 10 years, but you are only enforcing to him that the behaviour is ok if you stay. It's like when a parent constantly cautions a child but never follows through with the sanction- the child then becomes of the belief that the parent won't do anything so they can just do whatever they want, and the behaviour only persists or worsens!
  3. I get the vibe that this girl may like the attention she's getting. Perhaps her fiance is currently not giving her as many compliments, or showing her any infatuation. Sometimes it can be new and exciting when someone new is showing some attention/interest in you (that doesn't make it right though as she's with someone else). Sounds to me like she's enjoying being 'wanted' by more than one guy. I know you've said that you don't want to overstep any boundaries as she is engaged, but I wouldn't go out of your way to text her or initiate stuff, just because it could be perceived inappropriately. Also, as you have recently come out of a relationship, it sounds like you're also liking the attention she is giving you as you currently have a pretty recent void in your life. I don't know if you were dumped or the dumper, or if it was a mutual breakup, but just bear that in mind that that could be having an effect on how you're perceiving this situation. Not saying any of that in any type of negative way, I just know having come out of a recent relationship myself, that I immediately went on to dating apps and enjoyed getting attention again, just because of the recent void I was experiencing. Hope this helps šŸ™‚
  4. This. It's a hard pill to swallow, but this is ultimately so true
  5. It sounds like she might not know what she wants here. Could explain the hot and cold behaviour. I agree that there is certainly not a high level of interest there, or at least an interest level that you deserve to receive from a potential partner. I've made the mistake of going onto apps like Tinder when I am very fresh out of a casual or committed relationship, as a means of distraction. It's never ended well for me as I have felt like I am leading people on who are wanting more of a commitment when in reality I'm just not ready. It's likely I've also given people some of this hot and cold behaviour because I just haven't been in the right headspace to put myself back out there at the time. She could have maybe just come out of something and as a result just doesn't know what she wants, and if that's the case, it's a good idea to steer clear as she could end up just (perhaps unintentionally) messing you around
  6. Just sent you a message- check the envelope icon in the top right corner
  7. This is usually done out of guilt. It's more for them to soften things in their eyes. Perhaps he isn't entirely happy with how he handled the breakup and said this so that he doesn't feel as guilty. My ex said the same to me. I wouldn't take his word for it or try to be friends in the future. When he broke up with you, he was aware that this could mean losing you forever, and that was not unfortunately enough to stop him. I really don't mean to say this with such pessimism or to make you feel down, but these are some things you will come to realise over the next few months. Do message if you want to chat or vent! ā¤ļø
  8. No contact is very difficult, I empathise with you. When my ex broke up with me a couple of months ago, I had to keep in communication about a money exchange we'd already paid for for a trip, and I had to liaise with him about giving this back (we didn't talk about the breakup though). I hated speaking with him in such a practical, formal, almost business-like manner, as I just wanted to shut myself away. Once a 30 day period had passed, I tried to initiate some sort of conversation about the breakup via text (with the hopes of chatting in person as he'd broken up with me over text). Whilst waiting for that response, it was horrible, and the reason I share this brief account is because breaking no contact can bring you lots of stress, anxiety and worry. As much as you may want to, you could regret your decision soon over pressing the send button, or if your call goes unanswered. And Erika0819 also mentioned what they found out when they broke no contact. My ex didn't even respond to my initial reach out, but he did to my second time. It's now been about a month since I had any communication with him, and it's getting easier day by day. It's tough, but you will thank yourself with each passing day. I also recommend watching Youtube videos related to this topic, there's lots of good tips šŸ™‚
  9. Sorry you're experiencing this! I have experienced something similar recently, although my relationship was shorter than 10 months. It's really difficult when things seemingly come out of the blue. If you watch YouTube videos and read articles about this type of thing though, you will find that this has probably been brewing with him for weeks, if not months before he pulled the trigger on it (and he basically told you that as well). I believe you did the right thing though in voicing your concerns about his growing distance from you- you tried to communicate. I also agree with some of the comments above about him potentially being emotionally unavailable. I'd recommend not trying to beg for this guy or try to force your way into his life- if he wanted to be there, he would be. It's so tough to get to grips with and I totally empathise! Coming here should help to get things off your chest though, and time is a great healer! Stay strong šŸ™‚
  10. In my experience, if someone is really interested in seeing you, if they were unable to make the date you suggested, they would be doing more to ensure another date could be confirmed, and that means by suggesting specific dates and times, not just saying that it could be tried again later
  11. Firstly, well done for staying strong in the 6 months NC! It's difficult, I hope you are moving forward and healing šŸ™‚ I would add onto this that it's also incredibly upsetting, demoralising/demotivating to reach out and them not respond to you! I reached out to my ex wanting to just have a bit more of a conversation about the end of the relationship (I kind of had the rug pulled out from under me with my breakup, was quite sudden, and I wanted to talk about things from my side as I hadn't really gotten to voice it coherently). He ignored my first attempt, but responded to my second, which was now nearly a month ago. Something that keeps me from not contacting him up to this point is not wanting to experience the psychological upset you go through if you reach out to them and they don't respond (like with my first attempt). You get so nervous just waiting for that reply, and if it doesn't come, it can be really upsetting. I also completely agree that they should come to you too. I know now that I have done all that I can to provide my ex with a talking space, but if he chooses not to take this, then I accept that and move forward. Acknowledging that you have done what you can is helpful for your healing- knowing you at least gave it a shot or gave them the space, if they choose to still not come forward, then that is helpful for your healing. I wish you the best šŸ™‚
  12. Thank you for this. I agree with you. There's a part of me that has felt a rather 'victim mentality' mindset to all this. I do appreciate your honesty and hear what you're saying. I'm doing my best to move forward and am going to try to get that mindset out of my head as soon as possible, I agree that it's been getting me down in the dumps perhaps even more than necessary feeling as if I'm owed an explanation. The text breakup wasn't the best way to go about things, but I do need to stop 'expecting' a thorough explanation. We both just need to move away from each other at this point and continue on with our lives. I'll do my best to move forward šŸ™‚
  13. Just in terms of how it ended. Myself and everyone around me were really surprised. They knew how much he'd pursued me and they were really surprised to find out it was him who'd pulled the plug. I feel shut out in terms of how sudden it was, he didn't communicate that there was a problem until he ended it, and then was very stand-offish about providing me with an opportunity to at least talk it out in person when I was back. Whilst I know that's his right to stand back after a breakup, I was just surprised that he was so interested to then only leave me out in the cold šŸ˜ž
  14. Yes, I agree. I think I'm also struggling to deal with the fact I didn't see it coming, nor did I expect that that last time we spent together in person would be the last time I would see him when we were together (or potentially ever again). That's felt really jarring, everything seemed fine then. I think that's what I've struggled with most, it's just kind of hit me and I've struggled to pick up the pieces and have just felt very shut out. Everyone in my life has been very sympathetic and trying to support me when I have wobbly moments (which have started to happen less and less), but yeah. Just feel left out in the cold really. I appreciate your patience with my rambling šŸ˜†
  15. Thank you, Rose Mosse. I really appreciate your continued support and advice on this situation. It has been both honest yet sensitive. I think the reason I have wanted to seek those answers is because my hands have just felt completely tied in this situation, from when he advised I should go home during the pandemic to be with family, to then text me to end it when I couldn't get to him to talk about it face to face, to then not have that face to face when I was back, and then just try to freeze the conversation out altogether... it's just left me feeling really shut out. It's a horrible feeling and I feel like I couldn't have done anything to avoid it, really. I know that time is a healer, and I am glad I've taken some steps forward to getting his stuff out of my flat. The whole thing still just hurts. I'll come out the other side. Thank you again for your help šŸ™‚
  16. Thanks to those who have offered advice on my previous posts regarding my breakup with my ex. I like coming here and letting off steam as it means I don't end up reaching out to him 'seeking answers'. My ex and I spoke last week, albeit briefly. I acknowledged to him where I believe my behaviour could have fallen short (nothing serious, but just there were times where I felt I could have handled a matter differently in order to support him as a partner). He sent me a very respectful response, and assured me that he didn't believe I'd done anything wrong and that he hopes I don't think I pushed him away. He also mentioned in this text that he thought I was a great partner and that because he felt unsure still about us, that it didn't feel right. This is a good answer in itself, because I believe it's helped provide me with some solidarity. I've come here to just let out some steam, but I find all his behaviour a bit odd? He was so keen on me, now he's 'not sure', and he really isn't open to talking about the situation with me (he hasn't said this explicitly, but I get the vibe that he's just cutting the conversation off to prevent further conversation). Given how he ended things (over text without informing me there was a problem and at a distance so I couldn't see him face to face), I feel that this is a bit unfair? I've just been left to pick up the pieces. Thanks again for everyone's help on previous posts, I've found your advice really helpful. Truthfully, I have been a bit wobbly over the last week or so, but I'm moving forward. I'm going for a promotion at work hopefully in a couple of months, and I've taken control back of my space, removed all objects that remind me of him and I'm just continuing to plod on šŸ™‚
  17. Thanks SooSad33. Yes, time to adjust and heal fully. Thank you for the vote of confidence šŸ™‚
  18. I really appreciate your concern here, Rose Mosse, thank you. It has been difficult and it feels very 'empty'. I made some art (it's one of my favourite things to do) to hang on the walls and have bought some new furniture to jazz it up a bit. It's helping šŸ™‚ I've found some new interests I wish to embark on. The advice offered by you and the other users of this forum has been so helpful. I really appreciate your time to check that I'm ok, I needed it šŸ™‚
  19. Thanks Rose Mosse, I agree and was honestly also thinking that the delay had a lot to say (no response is a response, after all!) Thanks for your time to offer advice šŸ™‚
  20. Thanks, indea08. I would agree that I can see why there is a delay in the response, and I certainly haven't reached out again nor will I, nor will I push for the answer. The ball is in his court now. I suppose in terms of what I want from the situation, if he agreed to see me for the chat, I think it's just to talk generally about the relationship itself. While on the phone after he sent the breakup text, everything sounded very up in the air on his end (like he couldn't even really describe or explain exactly what was going on in his head with it), the distance seemed to be a factor, and I think by reaching out it was to see whether a line of communication could be opened to have the important conversation as to why it really ended. This being said, I think Clio's response hits the nail on the head nicely, and is opening my eyes that he is just being completely avoidant and did love bomb me. Having looked at the avoidant personality symptoms online, I see a lot that resonates with him. I believe that communication seems to be a huge issue for him, and that's something that would not be good whatsoever in a healthy relationship. Will update if anything gets said. Thank you for response again šŸ™‚
  21. Thank you, Clio. I really appreciate the time you took to offer this response. Yes, I agree, it's a rubbish feeling, but it's given me the closure that I need now so I'm glad I went ahead and extended the hand (I was just kinda going out of my mind being stuck in my flat on my own with the memories, I felt like I needed to put it to bed once and for all). Thank you again, this is helpful
  22. Here is a post about my breakup: https://www.enotalone.com/topic/444738-very-unsure-about-what-happened-in-my-relationshipbreakup-would-greatly-appreciate-opinionsadvice/?tab=comments#comment-5656616 I am back now in my local area in the flat that my ex and I spent a lot of time together. It's been over a month since the breakup, and we haven't spoken a word about it or our emotions, no contact. The second day in my flat I found it pretty painful and ended up crying (just bottled up emotions I think). The following day (yesterday) I was speaking to a colleague (via Teams) about the situation. They (along with other members of my family and colleagues) have suggested/asked over the last few days whether I would contact him to say that I was back. Distance seemed a factor as to why the relationship broke up. I had one of his t-shirts in my flat, so I sent a text keeping it light hearted, something like 'Hi, hope you're ok šŸ™‚ I have your t-shirt at the flat. Just wondered if you wanted to come and get it and if you fancied a chat?' Upon sending the text, I felt a lot lighter, like a weight had lifted. I had been cooped up in the flat for a couple of days wondering if anything would happen, and I felt like sending the text would help get closure. It's been a day and I've had no response. I sent it on Whatsapp (our usual form of communication), and he hasn't opened the message (so it hasn't registered as being read), but he's been online a lot since. I'm not going to send another as I've extended the offer and that's all I can do (and to also address the practicality thing with the t-shirt). I always knew going into this situation that there was a possibility I wouldn't receive a response, but I just wanted opinions on what his thoughts and feelings may be? At this stage, I've stopped checking my phone waiting for a reply, and whilst it is advisable that you shouldn't break no contact, I feel a great sense of relief finally feeling that this situation will give me some answers. Thank you to the members of this forum who have been largely supportive of my situation so far. It has been helpful knowing that I can come here for some sanctuary.
  23. This is really sad. You clearly care for this person, but they're not showing much care and consideration for you if they're doing this. How long have you been together? How did you find out she was cheating? And in terms of the worry about anger, I can understand this worry (I get the vibe you don't like confrontation?) but you should really be the one angry with her, and you have every right to be. You would do much better with someone who sees your value and worth and would never even think of doing this to you. I know that in my previous relationship, my head was never even turned towards somebody else
  24. Thank you so much, SooSad33. I really appreciate this šŸ™‚ just words of encouragement. I know I'll be ok in the end, even though it's hard at the moment šŸ’” šŸ™‚
  25. Thanks SooSad33. No, the money has been dealt with now, we did bank transfer, I just needed to get his account details which is why we stayed in communication regarding that. And yes, I do have to go back, unfortunately šŸ˜ž my job requires me to return working face to face again. We don't work together or anything, but my profession was mentioned specifically on the news as being one that had to return to work, so he knows I'll be coming back
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