She got really angry. Was I wrong?

[Jrod]

I've posted here before, you can check my profile for the background. So today I was at my ex's apt having dinner with her and my daughters. I told her that my oldest wanted to watch the Super Bowl halftime show. She responded " no, we don't watch football here, if you want you can watch it at your place". So we finished dinner and I bathed the youngest. I went to the living room to blow dry and brush my youngest hair. Just she and I. No one else was in the living room. I turned on the tv and put cartoons. My daughter was on her tablet and not watching. So I put on the Super Bowl. My ex storms in and changing the tv and a angrily states that I don't respect her. I didn't argue, said by the her and the girls and left. I texted her to accepting that I was wrong and apologized. and she responded with a long text stating that I don't respect her. That I don't consider her emotions. She said she doesn't take her pain lightly and that she does not want to repeat herself. That I reminded her how I don't respect her and reminded her of the past. She ended by asking that I do not reply. I know I was wrong. But was I that out of line?It was just my daughter and I. It's been 2 years since we seperated. Should this be the final straw? Will she ever be able to want to make things work? Is this a setback for me? During our seperation all I've done is be there for her and be supportive. What should I do? Does she even have any feelings for me any more?

[mustlovedogs]

I don't think she had a right to get that mad. I don't understand why football was the issue. Obviously it's not a matter of your kids seeing it - she gave you permission to watch it at your place.

 

She's just being controlling. I don't see why you would want back with her.

[Lone She Wolf]

She's overreacting because she's just really hurt, and it has nothing to do with football or the Super Bowl. She's very resentful with you because of the pain she carries inside, but you know what...she's the one that's carrying it and not letting it go.

 

Don't accept her anger....you apologized (at something that wasn't even that big a deal) and now it's your turn to let go of the outcome of whether or not she'll forgive you or want to make things work. You have to let her go...if she decides to forgive and let go of the past for her own peace of mind (not yours), then maybe you can revisit reconciliation. But it has to be her choice on her own time.

[Hollyj]

Sounds like she still hasn't moved on from the cheating. This is not about football.

 

When are you going to stop acting like a couple and move forward? This must be very confusing for the children.

[Jrod]

It is very confusing for the kids. The little has asked me many times why do we have two homes. The oldest asks what's going on many times. I just don't get that is she's that angry and hurt, why does she still do everything with me as a family? Should I just walk away? Cause in confused myself.

[Hollyj]

It just doesn't seem like she is willing to forgive you. Will she attend couples counseling? If not, she will continue to punish you. Do you think she continues this facade of a family to hurt you? Does she show you affection in front of the kids?

[Jrod]

The last time I asked her about counseling she told me she would go when she's ready. But she had said that before. She said she has to worry about the girls. She doesn't show much affection. I don't know why she continues the family facade. Why would she still play the facade in front of her father? He knows we're seperated. I do think she is trying to hurt me.

[Matt3939]

I didn't go into your background just the other replies. Obviously children are involved and cheating. I doubt football half time show was the problem. Who really would care at all its a bigger issue. I'd do whatever was needed for the kids sake. But I'd tell her something has to change and put your foot down with the couples therapy. Nothing is changing with just the two of you. I told my ex we had to do it she refused also and she was 1 so go figure. Good luck

[Tanzi]

Wow, she really over-reacted. There was no need for any of that, especially in earshot of your daughters. I don't see what you did wrong. I mean I know you went against her wishes but I don't understand her mindset anyway .... "we don't watch football here". That's just being petty. I haven't read your background but it sounds as though she is angry/bitter and is lashing out. Why are you going around to her house to do all of these things with your daughters? Why don't you have your them stay with you where you can spend proper quality time with them doing the things you want to do together without your ex dictating what you can and can't do together?

[Tanzi]

The last time I asked her about counseling she told me she would go when she's ready. But she had said that before. She said she has to worry about the girls. She doesn't show much affection. I don't know why she continues the family facade. Why would she still play the facade in front of her father? He knows we're seperated. I do think she is trying to hurt me.

 

Then it is time to put your foot down. You are BOTH parents to these girls. You get to have a say too. She hasn't been able to get to the point where you can co-parent in an amicable way. If she can't make healthy decisions when it comes to co-parenting then you are going to have to. It isn't just her carrying on this family facade .... you are playing up to it to. What does her father have to do with it?

[j.man]

I'm going to empathize with you a bit as, given she's the custodial parent, stepping up and putting an end to this kind of thing could mean you see your daughters less, particularly with holidays and special events, when you'll miss them most. That's not an easy step for any father to take.

 

But I don't think the arrangement you've got is entirely bad. Maybe not so much staying at her dad's place, but being able to co-parent amicably enough to share a dinner table for special events and holidays is amazing. You simply need to establish firm and clear boundaries and, to the extent it's appropriate, make sure your children are able to recognize them. You and your ex being able to have family time is good. Your children assuming every instance of it is a chance you two are going to get back together is not. Especially after two years, it's time to cut the ambiguity, for the sake of your children more than anyone else.

 

As others have stated, it sounds like she's done with you, so she seems to already be OK with being done as a couple but co-parenting as you have been. It's likely going to be on you to accept that reality.

 

But to answer your actual question-- while she shouldn't have gotten that mad, you shouldn't be unnecessarily be pushing buttons like that. You going ahead and loading up the half-time show after she'd just told you no football in her house was a d1ck move, even if mildly so.

[DancingFool]

As others have already pointed out, her rage is a result of years of pent up resentment and anger over all kinds of things that you have done, but seem a bit oblivious to. What concerns me most is that you seem to have this almost callous, "I just don't understand why she gets mad when I cheat, disregard her request in her own house, etc. she just needs to get over it already." Does she need counseling? Maybe or maybe not. I think you definitely need counseling because you need to gain some kind of capacity for understanding that your disrespectful actions have consequences on other people. Your detachment and "what's the big deal" demeanor are rather concerning.

 

If you are still holding out some kind of hope that you can get back together, you need to start putting a whole lot of work into yourself and learn how to be considerate of other people. After being told so clearly no football in her house, going behind her back and doing whatever you want anyway....just proved to her that there is no change with you. You will do what pleases you without any regard for others and so her rage.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say but co-parenting isn't about watching the game at your ex's place. Trying to push the envelope and act like it's your place won't help co-parenting either.

 

Let things cool off and just go there to pick up and drop off the children, don't hang out or argue etc.

She responded " no, we don't watch football here, if you want you can watch it at your place". So I put on the Super Bowl. My ex storms in and changing the tv and a angrily states that I don't respect her. she does not want to repeat herself.

[pettypink]

I agree with DancingFool. I doubt this anger is just a result of you watching football in her house, but it probably has to do with the years (?) of resentment she has towards you.

[Jrod]

I understand what you're saying. I'm not trying to be callous. I have been to therapy and have worked hard on myself. For the last two years I have done everything I can to make sure she and the kids are ok. I'm always there for her. In the last two years we have been getting along very well. We have good conversations, joke around. Last night was the first time she got angry at me in two years. I believe she needs counseling. She holds a lot of resentment towards me. I on the contrary do not hold any towards her. I let go and have focused on being a better partner and father. I have opened up and put a lot of myself out to her. I just don't know what to do anymore. There's days it seems there's hope and then there's yesterday when everything comes crashing down. I don't know if she's just waiting for me to walk away to turn around and say "see I knew you weren't sincerely trying".

[Wiseman2]

True, she's not trying to reconcile she's trying to co-parent amicably and effectively. That's why hanging out at her place as if it's still home won't work. Pick up and drop off the kids and otherwise don't act like a couple.

 

Take the kids to visit with your family or friends if you want to enjoy other things. They would probably love watching whatever they want at their aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. The more you focus on co-parenting and less on trying to recouple, the better.

I don't know if she's just waiting for me to walk away to turn around and say "see I knew you weren't sincerely trying".

[abitbroken]

If you are in her home and she states they don't watch football in their home, then the boundary is clearly set. You can have football on for your children at your house all you want, but now she sets the rules in her own home and if you undermine her, you are not creating a united front for the kids. If she had an unreasonable rule - ie, the kids were not allowed to go to school, etc, or she was forcing them to be vegan and the kids are confused as no one ever was in your home - then that is something to pick your battles and take action over.

 

Also, how old are your kids? If you were helping bath or dry your daughter's hair, she doesn't need to see Lady Gaga. She is small. If she were 16, then a different story. Some parents of small kids may feel if they have not seen the content, they don't want their kids to see it until they had seen it to make sure its appropriate.

 

So in the future, i agree that maybe her rule sounds crazy for you, but defying eachother in front of the children and pushing buttons on purpose is not the way to go. And sitting down eating dinner without watching tv is important for your kids right now.

 

I think that you should limit your contact to only talking about the kids, to not push counseling or needle her about it. She said she would do it when she was ready, so you will have to wait. That could be tomorrow. That could be in six months. it could be in a year. But if you cheated, the ball is totally in her court. You can't pull it back in yours.

[abitbroken]

I understand what you're saying. I'm not trying to be callous. I have been to therapy and have worked hard on myself. For the last two years I have done everything I can to make sure she and the kids are ok. I'm always there for her. In the last two years we have been getting along very well. We have good conversations, joke around. Last night was the first time she got angry at me in two years. I believe she needs counseling. She holds a lot of resentment towards me. I on the contrary do not hold any towards her. I let go and have focused on being a better partner and father. I have opened up and put a lot of myself out to her. I just don't know what to do anymore. There's days it seems there's hope and then there's yesterday when everything comes crashing down. I don't know if she's just waiting for me to walk away to turn around and say "see I knew you weren't sincerely trying".

 

It is easy for you to say 'she needs counseling' when this woman's whole world was turned upside down - she had a homelife with husband and children (you say ex but didn't say marriage in your first post that i was able to find - so either way - husband/boyfriend) and you were the one who made that all crashed down.

 

Also, why does she even have to "try" - for what? She may never come back to you, and rightfully so. What kind of counseling do you want to happen and what do you think it will achieve. You cheated, she left (good for her) and you are coparent. The only thing that needs to happen is some form of mediator if custody has not been determined - which it sounded like it has.

 

Also, I think it wise as said before, to just decide that you will communicate about the children only - and if and when she wants to more, she has to go to counseling with you. No one can heal if you are constantly in her face trying to play house. And if she doesn't want to be together again - then that's as predicted and fine.

[fabact]

Is the relationship over b/c there was cheating going on? I only ask b/c your ex seems to be very ANGRY. obviously not about football as others have mentioned. She's angry about something, and the direspect thing alludes to that. Looks like you're going to have to do a lot more work at getting rid of her anger... counseling would help if she would go for it.

[Jrod]

I have taken total responsibility for what has happened. That's why I did counseling on my own. To understand myself better and be a better person, father and partner. But if she has no desire or thought to reconcile, then why bring up the past? I've never done that to her. I always stick to the present and never give her a hard time for anything. I understand that she's hurt. She had every right to be. But when I ask her about reconciling she never gives an ascertive response. If she tells me that I will never happen even though it will devastate me, I will accept it. But she hasn't said anything and hasn't made any effort to move forward herself.

[abitbroken]

I have taken total responsibility for what has happened. That's why I did counseling on my own. To understand myself better and be a better person, father and partner. But if she has no desire or thought to reconcile, then why bring up the past? I've never done that to her. I always stick to the present and never give her a hard time for anything. I understand that she's hurt. She had every right to be. But when I ask her about reconciling she never gives an ascertive response. If she tells me that I will never happen even though it will devastate me, I will accept it. But she hasn't said anything and hasn't made any effort to move forward herself.

 

The cheating was the thing that was a life changer. She is not bringing up times when you didn't take out the garbage or the time you accidentally smashed her car. This item ripped a hole through your family that is irreparable. life is all about pre-cheating and the aftermath after. Just because you have gone to counseling, doesn't erase the cheating.

 

Also, you need to stop asking her about reconciliation or counseling. It has to come from HER on her OWN. Do not ask again. Its like saying someone close to you died and saying "oh, you should be over that by now, I am!" The loss of a marriage is a death also. This sort of breakup is like a death, but then the person is still alive and well and going on like the death never happened which is harder even. And you come off feeling like you miss your house.

 

So, good for you feel you are "over" you cheating on her and are okay with your decisions, but there are no takebacks. So lay off, coparent your children, but do noting more. Don't date her. Don't try to wiggle your way back in to her good graces. Just be a good, but not overindulgent father. Show up to their school functions and pick them up for overnights if thats what is done, and don't hang around her home like you guys are still together.

[qwaspolk82]

I've posted here before, you can check my profile for the background. So today I was at my ex's apt having dinner with her and my daughters. I told her that my oldest wanted to watch the Super Bowl halftime show. She responded " no, we don't watch football here, if you want you can watch it at your place". So we finished dinner and I bathed the youngest. I went to the living room to blow dry and brush my youngest hair. Just she and I. No one else was in the living room. I turned on the tv and put cartoons. My daughter was on her tablet and not watching. So I put on the Super Bowl. My ex storms in and changing the tv and a angrily states that I don't respect her. I didn't argue, said by the her and the girls and left. I texted her to accepting that I was wrong and apologized. and she responded with a long text stating that I don't respect her. That I don't consider her emotions. She said she doesn't take her pain lightly and that she does not want to repeat herself. That I reminded her how I don't respect her and reminded her of the past. She ended by asking that I do not reply. I know I was wrong. But was I that out of line?It was just my daughter and I. It's been 2 years since we seperated. Should this be the final straw? Will she ever be able to want to make things work? Is this a setback for me? During our seperation all I've done is be there for her and be supportive. What should I do? Does she even have any feelings for me any more?

 

She totally overreacted. You apologized. It should have ended there. She sounds like a drama queen.

 

If you're split up then be split up.

[Jrod]

I understand that's it's hard for her. I can't imagine how she feels. All I can do is be the best father and friend I can be. You guys are right I should just focus on the girls. It's been two years and I don't think she'll ever come back. I guess it's just wishful thinking on my part. What I meant by I'm over it was that I'm over the part she played. It doesn't excuse me for cheating. But there were times that she wasn't there for me. And I have accepted that and forgiving her for that.

[Tanzi]

But I don't think the arrangement you've got is entirely bad. Maybe not so much staying at her dad's place, but being able to co-parent amicably enough to share a dinner table for special events and holidays is amazing.

 

I agree with you. Unfortunately it's only going to work if both parties are in a good place with each other.

 

My ex-husband and I have co-parented this way. It wasn't a regular thing but in the past we have taken the children out for meals together, attended family functions together and we have had BBQ's together ... and two years ago we went all went on holiday together - though that was actually quite hard work and I wouldn't do it again!! That was more to do with the fact that he is an extremely difficult person to get along with, whoever you may be as opposed to anything else. Nevertheless, neither of us held any grudges against the other and generally get along just fine so mostly it worked for us and it was good for the girls. He recently remarried so we don't do it anymore - understandably.

 

Sadly, if two people can't overcome their differences (even where cheating is concerned - as it was in my case) and still harbour resentment or bitterness for the other it isn't going to work and will have the opposite of desired effect.

[Tanzi]

All I can do is be the best father and friend I can be. You guys are right I should just focus on the girls. It's been two years and I don't think she'll ever come back.

 

Yes focus on your girls. Whatever decision you make, it must be in the best interests of your daughters.