Do I seem like I'm playing games?

[Batya33]

Certainly if after dating 2 months an adult has no desire to have sex with his/her partner that is an issue that might mean there's no romantic potential - but if the decision is to wait to have sex despite having the desire to have sex that's only an issue if the other person is uncomfortable waiting. And having sex "because you want to" is only one approach - desire is separate from whether to act on that desire.

[Doofus]

Batya: If you chose to draw the line at intercourse, then, that's fine (of course, drawing the line anywhere is fine...), but that's not the OP's position it seems. Instead, she seems to be uncomfortable with any physical interaction. I read her other thread about this situation. Really, there's only 3 possibilities:

1. This guy is kind of creepy.

There's some support for that - buying her expensive gifts after the first date, expressing confidence in a long term future... but if he is creepy, why is the OP so excited to spend time with him

 

2. She thinks she's supposed to not give in too early. If this is the case, then my response is right and the answer to the question she posed in the thread title is 'yes'.

 

3. She's not into him. Again, my response is right

 

notalady: I think you do know what 'this modern way to date' is. In 'modern' times, women can have jobs, and use birth control and have bank accounts. They can sleep with men before marriage without (mostly....) the general stigma of -shaming. They can indulge their sexual appetites, which, despite hundreds of years of suppression are, on average, the equal of men's. Which, most women do, when they're sufficiently interested. I know very few available women (and not as many unavailabe as you might hope..) who wouldn't jump into bed with a dude if he was hot enough, no matter how few words, let alone dates, had been exchanged.

 

You can choose to view making a man wait as some kind of test, or proof that they love you for you, but you should know that the men who are wililng to wait out more than a dozen dates without getting sexual fall into at least one of three categories:

 

1. Gay

2. Desperate

3. Governed by extreme religious objections to pre-marital physical relations.

 

(OK, maybe two categories: The third is probablyl a union of the first two in most cases....)

 

Everyone should do only what they're comfortable doing, but, most of us are driven strongly by hormones. A romantic relationship with someone distinguishes itself from friendship principally by the physical component. That doesn't have to be intercourse, but, if after a dozen dates, one or both of those dating haven't moved into something close to it, there's something else going on. Which, given how freaked out she described herself as being in the other thread, is, I think, the case here.

[katrina1980]

 

Everyone should do only what they're comfortable doing, but, most of us are driven strongly by hormones. A romantic relationship with someone distinguishes itself from friendship principally by the physical component. That doesn't have to be intercourse, but, if after a dozen dates, one or both of those dating haven't moved into something close to it, there's something else going on. Which, given how freaked out she described herself as being in the other thread, is, I think, the case here.

 

I agree with this^.... except to say it's not my "hormones" that drives me, it's the overall chemistry and attraction I feel with a particular man that drives me to be sexual with HIM.

 

I haven't read OP's other thread, but just from reading this one, it sounds like her fears are so great which preclude her from enjoying the sexual experience, regardless of how long they've been dating.

[notalady]

 

notalady: I think you do know what 'this modern way to date' is. In 'modern' times, women can have jobs, and use birth control and have bank accounts. They can sleep with men before marriage without (mostly....) the general stigma of -shaming. They can indulge their sexual appetites, which, despite hundreds of years of suppression are, on average, the equal of men's. Which, most women do, when they're sufficiently interested. I know very few available women (and not as many unavailabe as you might hope..) who wouldn't jump into bed with a dude if he was hot enough, no matter how few words, let alone dates, had been exchanged.

 

You can choose to view making a man wait as some kind of test, or proof that they love you for you, but you should know that the men who are wililng to wait out more than a dozen dates without getting sexual fall into at least one of three categories:

 

1. Gay

2. Desperate

3. Governed by extreme religious objections to pre-marital physical relations.

 

(OK, maybe two categories: The third is probablyl a union of the first two in most cases....)

 

Everyone should do only what they're comfortable doing, but, most of us are driven strongly by hormones. A romantic relationship with someone distinguishes itself from friendship principally by the physical component. That doesn't have to be intercourse, but, if after a dozen dates, one or both of those dating haven't moved into something close to it, there's something else going on.

 

Where did I say I MAKE a man wait as some kind of TEST? Perhaps you're referring to the OP.

 

There is a natural progression to things and in my experience, it's been generally 1-2 months before sex happens. There is no "I'm not having sex with you until x number of date / x number of months". You seem to assume all the guys want sex sooner and they are just being made to wait for some silly rigid rule that women have, which wasn't the case in my experience. All the guys I've dated that wanted something serious with me didn't even bring up sex or make any attempts until a month or so in (8 dates at least), before that it was all focussed on getting to know each other. That doesn't mean there wasn't a desire on both sides, but the decision as to when and whether to have sex certainly wasn't dictated by hormones and sexual urges.

 

My comment about modern dating is in context to JaggerJim's post, which seems to suggest that no one wait to have sex anymore, it's gotta happen after 3 dates or it's over. What I'm saying is, there isn't just one way of dating, there isn't a "modern way" or "old way", people should just do whatever they feel comfortable with, however long it might take. One person might feel comfortable after 1-3 dates, another might feel comfortable after a month or two, others longer.

 

What you were talking about, the financial independence and freedom to have sex without being judged, is not what I was talking about. If anything, people should be able to NOT have sex until they feel comfortable and not be judged or being told that it is archaic. Just do what you feel comfortable and works for you, end of story!

 

Casual sex is an entirely different story, in which case it doesn't matter when to have sex and it IS entirely driven by hormones and urges, since you're not assessing whether this person is compatible for long term relationship, none of that really matters anyway. I don't think that's a relevant discussion for the OP.

[Batya33]

I agree with this^.... except to say it's not my "hormones" that drives me, it's the overall chemistry and attraction I feel with a particular man that drives me to be sexual with HIM.

 

I haven't read OP's other thread, but just from reading this one, it sounds like her fears are so great which preclude her from enjoying the sexual experience, regardless of how long they've been dating.

I think this confuses desire with choice and fear with a healthy sense of ones values and standards and boundaries. Today I felt incredibly driven to consume many cookies from the package on the counter when I came home stressed and tired - I chose to eat none. Totally cool that you choose to act on sexual desires - I knew that casual sex (sex outside a serious committed relationship) was not for me for many reasons so giving in to the chemistry would have been an unhealthy choice short and possibly long term. The two times I had sex too early before I was ready were mistakes- I think the OP also thinks having sex too early on would be a mistake. That's not about being afraid of sex - that's about being honest with oneself. When you act on your desires by having sex you are being true to yourself and your values and standards. Certainly if someone was afraid of having sex in general with anyone no matter what the situation that could be an atypical fear to be addressed just like certain people who are promiscuous do so because of a fear of true intimacy and vulnerability.

[Batya33]

All of the men I was seriously involved with long term also wanted to wait to have sex for. Skies reasons (no they were not religious) and the others who would have had sec sooner prioritized getting to know me and developing our relationship - including the intimate and sexual component (even though we waited for intercourse) over pushing for ot. Freedom to have sex outside of marriage without stigma and with reduced risk of pregnancy is a great freedom - and as with all freedoms doesn't mean I have to act on it by having casual sex.

[katrina1980]

I think this confuses desire with choice and fear with a healthy sense of ones values and standards and boundaries. Today I felt incredibly driven to consume many cookies from the package on the counter when I came home stressed and tired - I chose to eat none. Totally cool that you choose to act on sexual desires - I knew that casual sex (sex outside a serious committed relationship) was not for me for many reasons so giving in to the chemistry would have been an unhealthy choice short and possibly long term. The two times I had sex too early before I was ready were mistakes- I think the OP also thinks having sex too early on would be a mistake. That's not about being afraid of sex - that's about being honest with oneself. When you act on your desires by having sex you are being true to yourself and your values and standards. Certainly if someone was afraid of having sex in general with anyone no matter what the situation that could be an atypical fear to be addressed just like certain people who are promiscuous do so because of a fear of true intimacy and vulnerability.

 

Batya, I think you know by now (or I hope you do I talk about it enough) that I am extremely discriminating in whom I choose to have sex with, and only choose men with whom I share a powerful chemistry and attraction which in literally every case, has led to a LTR. It goes much deeper than mere "sexual desire," for ME.

 

I am NOT into casual sex and never was.

 

I can count on one hand how many men I have had sex with and I mean that literally. I am a "quality" vs. "quantity" girl.

 

The fact is, I am extremely perceptive and can discern mutual chemistry and connection very early on, so for me (and the men I have been with) there was no reason to wait.

 

That didn't necessarily mean that I expected a "relationship" to develop from that, I actually had no expectations, but ironically, and perhaps for that reason, all these experiences have led to a LTR developing.

 

I also know and understand why you choose to wait a bit, which is FINE, for you (and apparently for other women) -- as I have always said, we should all do what feels right and comfortable for us.

 

With respect to OP, I don't know her but just from reading this thread, it sounds like her fears run very deep.

 

Waiting to have sex is not some game she's playing or a test, but a genuine FEAR of being rejected afterwards.

 

So yes in HER case, again jmo from reading this thread, she has a fear of true intimacy and vulnerability due to her past experiences of being rejected after becoming intimate with a man (sex).

 

And subsequently, feeling emotionally safe enough to allow herself to be vulnerable with him too (sexual and otherwise).

[IAmFCA]

Oh my goodness. The ever present discussion about when to have sex.

 

I have a had a lot of sex. With more than a few men, no women in any manner. Only one ONS. My sexual history was intentional. Consistent with my ideas and my journey. So, I am going to say something.

 

There is no one way to make oneself happy and no one way to create a long term thing. Many factors and constructs braid together. If both people feel valued by themselves and the other, then it is easier to stay together. Making sex rare is one way to communicate that. For others, having sex right away represents the degree to which they are drawn together. For others, the inverse is true.

 

How we approach sex may change as our needs change. Also, its a joint project, so the other person's ideas factor in.

 

I have definite ideas about waiting. They would not have applied to me as well or at all in prior years.

 

Accordingly, I would expect others approach sex in a way that is consistent with their own journeys. As there are different sorts of journeys for each of us, we will likely always approach this in diverse ways.

[Batya33]

Oh my goodness. The ever present discussion about when to have sex.

 

I have a had a lot of sex. With more than a few men, no women in any manner. Only one ONS. My sexual history was intentional. Consistent with my ideas and my journey. So, I am going to say something.

 

There is no one way to make oneself happy and no one way to create a long term thing. Many factors and constructs braid together. If both people feel valued by themselves and the other, then it is easier to stay together. Making sex rare is one way to communicate that. For others, having sex right away represents the degree to which they are drawn together. For others, the inverse is true.

 

How we approach sex may change as our needs change. Also, its a joint project, so the other person's ideas factor in.

 

I have definite ideas about waiting. They would not have applied to me as well or at all in prior years.

 

Accordingly, I would expect others approach sex in a way that is consistent with their own journeys. As there are different sorts of journeys for each of us, we will likely always approach this in diverse ways.

 

Agreed and I like how this post defies the stereotypes/cliches about how people who have casual sex are more "open" sexually or those who wait are "uptight" or have hangups -and of course people can change so even assuming someone has one approach is unproductive. I do think that within a relationship it's best to be consistent in the beginning- so that your partner/potential partner knows where you stand. Reminds me of a not so popular rap song with these lyrics (maybe not verbatim) "So he said am I your first and I said why do you guys always ask me that??"

[Batya33]

Batya, I think you know by now (or I hope you do I talk about it enough) that I am extremely discriminating in whom I choose to have sex with, and only choose men with whom I share a powerful chemistry and attraction which in literally every case, has led to a LTR. It goes much deeper than mere "sexual desire," for ME.

 

I am NOT into casual sex and never was.

 

I can count on one hand how many men I have had sex with and I mean that literally. I am a "quality" vs. "quantity" girl.

 

The fact is, I am extremely perceptive and can discern mutual chemistry and connection very early on, so for me (and the men I have been with) there was no reason to wait.

 

That didn't necessarily mean that I expected a "relationship" to develop from that, I actually had no expectations, but ironically, and perhaps for that reason, all these experiences have led to a LTR developing.

 

I also know and understand why you choose to wait a bit, which is FINE, for you (and apparently for other women) -- as I have always said, we should all do what feels right and comfortable for us.

 

With respect to OP, I don't know her but just from reading this thread, it sounds like her fears run very deep.

 

Waiting to have sex is not some game she's playing or a test, but a genuine FEAR of being rejected afterwards.

 

So yes in HER case, again jmo from reading this thread, she has a fear of true intimacy and vulnerability due to her past experiences of being rejected after becoming intimate with a man (sex).

 

And subsequently, feeling emotionally safe enough to allow herself to be vulnerable with him too (sexual and otherwise).

 

To me casual sex is having sex outside of a committed relationship and you said you had sex right away with one of your exes- maybe the first night you met? That's all I mean by casual sex. I am not saying you're "into" it -I meant you are comfortable having casual sex -acting on sexual attraction and chemistry by having sex - and another woman who has just as strong chemistry and attraction and is just as or more discerning than you nevertheless might choose to wait to act on those feelings/thoughts by having sex. That's all.

 

I think she is right to fear being rejected if she gets emotionally attached through sex. The extent of the fear- can't tell -if it's abnormal -obsessive, sure, just like all paranoid/obsessive fears can be problematic. Part of my reason for waiting was the increased risk of being rejected or realizing soon after we weren't right together. Waiting greatly decreased that risk (with the caveat of no guarantees) - it's not just because of the double standard -it's because no matter how discerning you are, you don't know the person over a long period of time through actual life experiences, good and bad so the risk of not being compatible in a serious relationship is much higher than later on. There is no "risk" if the person wouldn't regret having intercourse in a ONS or fling situation, or short term relationship that ends because of things you learn after - to me that risk was unacceptable because I would have regretted it a lot.

 

I would never enjoy sex -no matter how strong the attraction/chemistry- no matter how good I am at figuring out what a near stranger or new person in my life is like - without being in love, committed, with strong potential for marriage (especially since I knew abortion would never be for me and having a baby to give up for adoption also not something I felt I could do). I made one sort of exception (earlier than I wanted, no I love you yet, but committed and marriage-minded) and regretted it. Not because he rejected me 3 months later but because I wasn't true to my values.

 

As ITIC wrote, my approach is fine as is yours -I didn't say you acted in a promiscuous way but you are fine having sex outside of a committed relationship under certain circumstances, and I was not.

[katrina1980]

I think this confuses desire with choice and fear with a healthy sense of ones values and standards and boundaries.

 

Batya, thank you for clarifying in your last post. Fair enough.

 

However, I want to address the above quote, as it triggered something in me.

 

More specifically, what did you mean when you said confusing sexual desire with a "healthy" sense of ones values, standards and boundaries.

 

To me, it suggests that somehow you and others who share your opinion about waiting, have a healthier sense of their value and worth than someone who chooses NOT to wait.

 

If that is not what you meant, my bad, but I read this a lot on this board and others (not you in particular) but many women believing they are somehow more virtuous, have higher self respect, higher sense of value, worth and esteem, merely because their personal choice is to wait until they are in a committed relationship to have sex.

 

It sounds very self righteous imo and in a way, shaming those who don't share their personal choice.

 

I mean I have had women argue with me about my choices, accuse me of being *easy*, that no man would ever respect me or value me, I have no self respect, etc etc etc.

 

Nevermind the fact that all my sexual experiences have led to a relationship, I am still essentially a sl** In their minds.

 

I don't choose to behave this way, but if a woman chose to have sex with a different man every night of the week, that does NOT necessarily mean how she values herself is any LESS *healthy* than a woman who chooses to wait until a relationship.

 

Our own personal choices re sex or anything else have little, if nothing, to do with how we value ourselves. Those two things are not mutually exclusive.

 

I mean, there are plenty of woman (not you obviously) who have little self worth and self respect who choose to wait (for whatever reasons)..... while there are many women who enjoy casual sex with different men who have a very high self esteem and sense of their own value, worth and boundaries.

 

I am just getting tired of the comparison.

 

Again, this rant is not specific to you, but just generally speaking to what I read on here sometimes.

 

I loved what ITIC said. Spot on!

[Doofus]

Katrina,

 

My thoughts exactly.

 

And, like you, my three longest relationships, including my marriage, all began with sex on the first date (or, before the first date in one case!) They were all longer than 2 years. Conversely, the times I dated someone for more than a month without it getting past kissing, were ended by the women, who, eventually, admitted they just weren't feeling the physical spark with me.

 

I know that the plural of anecdote isn't data, but mine and yours seem to be pretty common experiences. Romantic relationships are romantic because they are sexual - by definition. If two people are strongly attracted to each other, thrn, for most of human history, they don't wait too long before getting together in that way. There's a good reason there's nearly 8 billion humans on the planet LOL

 

And I agree with you that just about everyone who advocates waiting believes it is a sign of self-respect (although, mostly, just for the women, I notice....) and a form of insurance. Several posters here have said (inicluding the OP) 'giving' themselves to a man sexually, only increases the chances that he'll hurt them - as if spending lots of time with someone - even without sex- doesn't bond you to them

anyway. I bet that, sex or not, if the guy dumps the OP tomorrow, she'd be pretty hurt.

 

All of that said, I do concede Batya's point about intercourse. There are good practical reasons to delay that (babies for example....). For better or worse, I myself have never taken heed of those reasons, but I see her point. But heavy making out? Giving each other physical pleasure and release? If a woman insists on waiting for months for that, then, my read is that she's not really interested in me. And, if I'm ever in that sort of situation again, I'd be ending it with her.

[Batya33]

"More specifically, what did you mean when you said confusing sexual desire with a "healthy" sense of ones values, standards and boundaries."

 

Confusing having desire with acting on desire. Two people can have the same strong desire to have sex. One person will choose to act on it because his values/standards and/or boundaries justify it (maybe his standard is "I want it, I do it no matter the risk" or anything alone the vast spectrum that makes us individuals) and the other person with the same strong desire will choose not to act on it. because of differing values/standards/boundaries I do not agree that someone who chooses not to act on it didn't want it as badly or has a lower sex drive, etc.

 

No value judgment.

 

"but if a woman chose to have sex with a different man every night of the week, that does NOT necessarily mean how she values herself is any LESS *healthy* than a woman who chooses to wait until a relationship."

 

If a woman chooses that kind of behavior I do think she values her physical health less than someone who doesn't -it's on every medical form I fill out - whether I've had multiple sex partners -because it's a factor in a number of health related concerns. As far as self-esteem - given the vast increased health risks of that behavior -yes I would be concerned about her self-esteem. But that's an extreme example.

[Batya33]

"All of that said, I do concede Batya's point about intercourse. There are good practical reasons to delay that (babies for example....). For better or worse, I myself have never taken heed of those reasons, but I see her point. But heavy making out? Giving each other physical pleasure and release? If a woman insists on waiting for months for that, then, my read is that she's not really interested in me. And, if I'm ever in that sort of situation again, I'd be ending it with her."

 

Completely agree that waiting months to be sexual (as opposed to waiting months for intercourse) is a bad sign. I do think waiting -if both people are comfortable with it, increases sexual desire and also gives a better foundation if things don't work perfectly the first few times.

[katrina1980]

Thanks again for clarifying Batya.

 

 

Confusing having desire with acting on desire. Two people can have the same strong desire to have sex. One person will choose to act on it because his values/standards and/or boundaries justify it (maybe his standard is "I want it, I do it no matter the risk" or anything alone the vast spectrum that makes us individuals) and the other person with the same strong desire will choose not to act on it. because of differing values/standards/boundaries

 

I do not agree that someone who chooses not to act on it didn't want it as badly or has a lower sex drive, etc.

 

 

I do agree with this, and was hoping that was what you meant. It's not the choice to wait (per se) but the reasons behind the choice to wait.

 

However, I disagree with your last sentence, as there are, in fact, many women who WILL choose wait to have sex because she is just not attracted. Not all women obviously (you and notalady are proof of that) but to say that never happens is just not true. I have five brothers who can attest to this, and of course Doofus, among other men who have posted.

 

And women who have admitted they just weren't attracted enough and were hoping it would somehow build as time went on. It usually never does.

 

 

"but if a woman chose to have sex with a different man every night of the week, that does NOT necessarily mean how she values herself is any LESS *healthy* than a woman who chooses to wait until a relationship."

 

If a woman chooses that kind of behavior I do think she values her physical health less than someone who doesn't -it's on every medical form I fill out - whether I've had multiple sex partners -because it's a factor in a number of health related concerns. As far as self-esteem - given the vast increased health risks of that behavior -yes I would be concerned about her self-esteem. But that's an extreme example.

 

I also disagree with this. Again it's her reasons behind making the choice to have sex with a different man every night of the week.

 

Such woman could enjoy sex just for the sex, the experience, nothing more, nothing less, she enjoys going out, meeting different men, and when attracted, chooses to take them home for the sheer pleasure of having sex with them. She doesn't engage in this behavior to seek validation or attention from men or to boost her low self-esteem, etc, but again for the sheer pleasure of having sex.

 

Just like many men do!

 

Such woman takes the necessary precautions to assure she won't get pregnant or contract an STD, and/or gets tested regularly.

 

Such woman would not give a rat's rear end if the man didn't "respect" her afterwards or never called again, because THAT is not why she chose to have sex with him in the first place.

 

If this were to happen, her self-esteem and self-respect are still very much in tact.

 

Because again she doesn't need validation, she has sex to please HERSELF, because she enjoys sex. Nothing more, nothing less. Again just like men do.

 

On the other hand, another woman who does NOT value herself and has low self-esteem might engage in this as a way to seek validation and attention from men, and/or to fill a void.

 

When, afterwards, she discovers the man lost respect or doesn't wish to see her again, she is devastated because it's a blow to her already shaky sense of self-worth and self-esteem, and because the "validation" she felt temporarily no longer exists.

 

So she goes out again in order to find it. Rinse repeat.

 

That said, as always I respect your opinion and we can agree to disagree on that one!

[LadyBug1988]

Reading through all of your comments is really helping me figure out my reasons for not wanting to sleep with this guy. To be honest, the longer we know each other the more comfortable with the idea I become. I think sleeping with him too soon would be a big mistake, I don't want to be used and I also don't want a disingenuous attachment to someone who isn't right for me. I want to get to know him more and see who I'm dealing with.

 

I told him I could do without the luxurious outings and invitations to spend the night. I want to get to know the person he actually is, so keep his card in his wallet and let's cool it. We hung out at my favorite restaurant on Tuesday after and I was in an awful mood, he did everything to make me smile (it worked) and didn't invite me to his place after. I told him I was busy Wednesday and Thursday so we did not see eachothet at all. There were no excessive texts or phone calls, he gave me space. He planned our next two dates in actual public and not at his apartment. He gave me the alternative of us getting board games and coming over, but I did not respond and he said the other two dates would be more fun anyhow.

 

The price of things has gone down drastically, we are doing a $30 escape room game at an art gallery for Friday the 13th (today), then dinner at a local restaurant (that I'm not letting him pay for). Tomorrow we are going to see a show at a casino that I think he already had tickets for, and after that no more plans yet. He threw the "boyfriend" word out there the other day and I reminded him we have only known eachother 3 weeks and jokingly told him "acquaintance". So he responds "future boyfriend", which I'm okay with.

 

Our conversations are not sexual, we often talk about family and work and life events, and share funny videos and memes. Things seem more fun now and less scary. I can't wait to see what he does this weekend or if he tries to pressure me, I don't think he will though. I get the feeling he thinks I need to fall in love with him to want to be intimate, I'm still trying to figure him out.

[katrina1980]

LadyBug -- I can't tell you how happy I was to read this^.... good job!

 

Yeah, gotta slow him down, you set the pace.... and it sounds like you succeeded at doing that perfectly!!

 

And he seems to be responding perfectly as well, which is awesome, so again good job.

 

Keep it going, have fun this weekend and enjoy!

 

When the time is right, sex will happen, and you (and he) will feel good about it.

 

Keep us posted!

[IAmFCA]

Ladybug, sounds like your instincts know whats right before your critical thinking can articulate why. Listen to your instincts!

 

Wanted to add on the discussion because it is a rich and non judgmental thread...

 

About the pursuit of "the sheer pkeasure of having sex", Katrina used the phrase, accurately, "Just as many men do".

 

True enough!

 

I would like to consider changing our habits of speech. We tend to use men as the benchmark, without thinking critically about it or meaning to do so.

 

I find it refreshing to date a man who doesn't sleep around. I find I take him more seriously. I find I trust him more easily.

 

I do not judge him better or worse.

 

If I want a serious relationship, I am more confident that he won't chase randoms when we hit a tough patch (or at other convenient time) because he already goes without.

[Batya33]

"Such woman takes the necessary precautions to assure she won't get pregnant or contract an STD, and/or gets tested regularly."

 

I'm going with pure science on this one -as I mentioned, every medical form having to do with my health asks if I have had multiple partners. Getting tested is helpful as far as not spreading an STD, of course nothing to do with the risk of contracting. The more partners, the greater the risk especially if as you wrote, different man every night -so that person doesn't know their history either. Condoms and the pill are not foolproof and especially not with multiple partners/promiscuity. I only disagree because science and medicine are on my side -the risk increase is factual, not an opinion. I also think it's important not to give the impression that it's a healthful way to live. Enjoying sex including casual sex -absolutely - that actually can improves health. Multiple random partners and promiscuity - not so much.

 

Ladybug sorry to go off topic more. I thanked ITIC for her posts - completely agree with all. You go girl.

[katrina1980]

"Such woman takes the necessary precautions to assure she won't get pregnant or contract an STD, and/or gets tested regularly."

 

I'm going with pure science on this one -as I mentioned, every medical form having to do with my health asks if I have had multiple partners. Getting tested is helpful as far as not spreading an STD, of course nothing to do with the risk of contracting. The more partners, the greater the risk especially if as you wrote, different man every night -so that person doesn't know their history either. Condoms and the pill are not foolproof and especially not with multiple partners/promiscuity. I only disagree because science and medicine are on my side -the risk increase is factual, not an opinion. I also think it's important not to give the impression that it's a healthful way to live.

 

Enjoying sex including casual sex -absolutely - that actually can improves health.

 

Multiple random partners and promiscuity - not so much.

 

 

Oh I agree with that. That IS the most extreme example, not sure if there are really any women who engage in that behavior (if there are few and far between), I just used it as an example to make a point.

 

Did NOT know that enjoying sex improves one's health! Other than it just makes ya a much happier person! Walking around with a big ole smile on your face all the time.... lol

 

But heck, like I always say, learn something new every day on here!

[notalady]

Our conversations are not sexual, we often talk about family and work and life events, and share funny videos and memes. Things seem more fun now and less scary. I can't wait to see what he does this weekend or if he tries to pressure me, I don't think he will though. I get the feeling he thinks I need to fall in love with him to want to be intimate, I'm still trying to figure him out.

 

The fact that you don't feel it's scary anymore once he backed off and seem to actually take time to date you, indicates that he was indeed going at a faster pace than you would like and that you felt pressured. So I think that's good to take note for the future, so that you know what it means when you feel a certain way and become more in tune with your gut feel.

[Batya33]

Oh I agree with that. That IS the most extreme example, not sure if there are really any women who engage in that behavior (if there are few and far between), I just used it as an example to make a point.

 

Did NOT know that enjoying sex improves one's health! Other than it just makes ya a much happier person! Walking around with a big ole smile on your face all the time.... lol

 

But heck, like I always say, learn something new every day on here!

I thought I've read that and also that having sex more often with your spouse or partner even if you're tired or not totally in the mood can increase libido and is healthy for the relationship. I would think that enjoying it just gets everything flowing onsode on a good way and I guess it's also good exercise!

OP even if this relationship is not the be all end all you have shown him that you care about yourself and that you're honest with yourself - and you can know you did your best to see if you two can be together.

[Andrina]

There are far more women who regret having sex too soon, versus women who say they regret having waited. It is a good way to to let the players fall by the wayside, if that's what they are. It takes time to know if a person is a good risk for your heart or not. How old is he? What is his dating history? That's a good way to be clued in on his normal pattern, if there is one, since past history often predicts what could be in store for the future. Who did the breaking up and what was the reason? You don't want to ask every little detail, but get a general idea.

 

How you feel now, like he's Prince Charming and almost too good to be true is absolutely normal in the beginning highs of a relationship, but is fantasy. I felt the same way about a guy early in a one year relationship, but he ended up being a con artist weasel. I'm not saying this will happen to you, but he will reveal, little by little, especially past months 4-6 if he's a good match for you. That said, I wouldn't wait past month 2 to have sex, as I believe you should be educated enough about him by then to at least know if he's worth taking a risk on. It doesn't mean there are any guarantees. Just that you have a good gut feeling, along with using your brain, that he has the same relationship goals as you and truly cares.

 

Take care and let us know how it goes.