Do I seem like I'm playing games?

[Chloee1988]

I have been dating a new guy for a few weeks now, and I'm not comfortable enough to sleep with him yet. We talked about it, I explained my values, and that I don't do things I'm not proud of. He said he understood and respected me too much to want to make me uncomfortable and mess up our new relationship.

 

I ended up in a situation where we were out and spent the night together in the same bed, but nothing happened and he didn't try to force himself into me. He's always such a gentleman and makes me feel very safe, which is why I like him so much. He did make a comment that sometimes he'll want to see if my boundaries are still there since boundaries change with time, but to let him know if I'm uncomfortable and he will stop.

 

Since I met him on Christmas vacation and we spent that entire week together, we are now back at work. I have been seeing him no less than 3 times every week, and he plans all the days (based on my schedule) that he'll see me after our last date for the week. He also just got $700 VIP tickets to a music festival in June for us, and has been talking about vacationing together.

 

He sort of invited me to a family event Sunday but I could hear it in his voice he expected me to say "no" (which I did). He then got a wedding invitation for his buddy's wedding in September and excitedly showed it to me asking if I thought it was cool. I said yes but made no further inquiries. He took me for a luxury spa day with him at a beautiful resort yesterday, and then out for an amazing dinner and wine (I insisted I paid for dinner). I agreed to go back to his place because I love spending time with him, we have the same sense of humor, he's easy and fun to be around and I love being close to him.

 

We ended up making out watching a movie, but I stopped before things got heated. Then he just cuddled with me and goes "So that's your boundary. Okay". He never seemed pissed or annoyed, just super sweet and gentle as always. He asked me why I am afraid of intimacy.

 

I explained I'm not but I want to really know who he is before blindsiding myself and complicating things with sex. He said part of figuring out if you like someone is sexual compatibility and what if I fall in love with him only to learn he sucks in bed? I said we have all the time in the world to figure that out, I just want to get to know him. He asked what I wanted to know, and I honestly told him there was nothing he could tell me, I just needed to see for myself. Words mean nothing, I have no rules, only my intuition and emotions.

 

We cuddled and playfully joked with each other for the rest of the night, and he made plans to see me 3 more times this week. I love spending time with him, and he said he can't wait to see me again either.

 

I'm afraid I'll turn him off by not sleeping with him. He said he was never into one night stands and wants something serious with me. He said he's not a player or anything, and really likes me. I'm just not ready, but I don't want him to think I'm playing games.

 

I think you're being perfectly reasonable in waiting a little longer. These days people jump into sex way too quickly and so sex loses its value. I personally believe in first cultivating a healthy and stable relationship before proceeding to the sexual level. Many people do the reverse and then ask themselves why their relationship failed. Waiting for sex is a matter of personal opinion and NO ONE should ever pressure you for sex. I think you're being quite sensible.

 

In my personal experience, whenever I became sexual too fast, the guy quickly lost interest in pursuing something more serious and instead wanted to keep it strictly sexual.

 

I really applaud your way of thinking Yes, sex is obviously part of any romantic relationship, but I believe it should only be done after you've established a safe and trusting relationship for at least a few months. Don't let anyone push your boundaries and if your BF doesn't stick around then he wasn't the right one.

[ballerinababe]

I really really like him, so much. He's the best, and I'm wondering if he's too good to be true.

 

If I were dating a guy for just a few weeks and he suggested I had "intimacy issues" because I didn't want to have sex with him at that point, I wouldn't be wondering if he were too good to be true, but if he were the right fit for me. I DETEST when men equate not being ready for sex with them and intimacy issues. It's highly insulting, and often they use it to manipulate, feigning concern -- "Let me help you get over your intimacy issues. You think too much. You just need to let go," etc.

 

Yuck, don't question if this guy is too good to be true. He's not.

 

I wouldn't worry about not sleeping together in his bed after already doing so. Just stop talking about boundaries and how you're not ready for this or that. Next time he suggests you stay over, just be light-hearted about it and say, "Oh, thanks, but I really should be getting home. Thanks for such a wonderful evening!" You don't have to justify it beyond that and get into a serious conversation about why you no longer feel like you should be spending the night, blah blah. You shouldn't feel any obligation to be explaining yourself in this way so early on!

[JaggerJim]

If I were dating a guy for just a few weeks and he suggested I had "intimacy issues" because I didn't want to have sex with him at that point, I wouldn't be wondering if he were too good to be true, but if he were the right fit for me. I DETEST when men equate not being ready for sex with them and intimacy issues. It's highly insulting, and often they use it to manipulate, feigning concern -- "Let me help you get over your intimacy issues. You think too much. You just need to let go," etc.

 

Yuck, don't question if this guy is too good to be true. He's not.

 

I wouldn't worry about not sleeping together in his bed after already doing so. Just stop talking about boundaries and how you're not ready for this or that. Next time he suggests you stay over, just be light-hearted about it and say, "Oh, thanks, but I really should be getting home. Thanks for such a wonderful evening!" You don't have to justify it beyond that and get into a serious conversation about why you no longer feel like you should be spending the night, blah blah. You shouldn't feel any obligation to be explaining yourself in this way so early on!

 

WRONG.

 

If she already jumped in his bed prior, and then pulls this line, she'd be getting the heave-ho from me, and I would consider that game-playing.

[Batya33]

I think it's a shame when sleepovers that don't include intercourse (because the couple is waiting) is called "playing with fire" -I call it fun, wonderful, intimate - but only if both people are comfortable with that. I had a number of serious relationships where we waited months but had sleepovers long before that -very positive experiences (and yes we were sexual/physical/intimate -and waited on intercourse). It's sad when choosing to wait for valid reasons -values for example (as opposed to to play games) - is seen as somehow having hangups or lacking the desire - when of course those who jump into bed right away might have perfectly good reasons for doing so but might also have hang ups and intimacy issues -but somehow that's never targeted as that kind of issue.

 

I'm really glad I had relatively few partners, really glad I waited with each one, regretted the one time I didn't wait as long as I felt comfortable and didn't wait till we were serious and in love - and loved the build up of desire and specialness. Having said that, nothing wrong and often something very right to have sex right away with someone - lots of happily married couples have done that and will do that in the future - but once someone pegs someone who is waiting as presumably having intimacy issues, etc that's a shame and very narrow minded.

 

Oh and a huge benefit of my choices - I never felt used or cynical about "men" more than very short term -like for an evening, a few hours, etc.

[Batya33]

WRONG.

 

If she already jumped in his bed prior, and then pulls this line, she'd be getting the heave-ho from me, and I would consider that game-playing.

 

Then you shouldn't date someone who is honest about her boundaries and those are boundaries that don't work for you. She didn't pull a line - she told him what her boundaries were in a direct way.

[JaggerJim]

Then you shouldn't date someone who is honest about her boundaries and those are boundaries that don't work for you. She didn't pull a line - she told him what her boundaries were in a direct way.

 

She is confusing him by jumping in his bed, and then pulling this line (if she does). She shouldn't have jumped in his bed to begin with.

[LadyBug1988]

I DETEST when men equate not being ready for sex with them and intimacy issues. It's highly insulting, and often they use it to manipulate, feigning concern -- "Let me help you get over your intimacy issues. You think too much. You just need to let go," etc.

 

Yuck, don't question if this guy is too good to be true. He's not.

 

OMG HE SAID THAT VERBATIM!!! He said I'm "overthinking things", and I'm afraid then asked if he's like any other man I've ever dated. When I said he wasn't he goes, "Well that should tell you". I then explained I just need to know who I'm dealing with, he tried to get me to ask him questions like "What do you want to know about me", but I told him "there's nothing you can say to me, I need to see consistency and character on my own". He seemed okay with it but I have noticed the flirting has gone up a knot he when we're alone (I really like it though).

 

He'll kiss me in places that make me react and ask me when I back away if it's because he turns me on (which he does). He then hints at me staying the night, and tells me the offer is always standing. I love this flirting with him and it's getting harder for me to say "no" and stick to my guns. He's just so sweet and gentle with me, and no man has ever treated me that way.

[katrina1980]

OMG HE SAID THAT VERBATIM!!! He said I'm "overthinking things", and I'm afraid then asked if he's like any other man I've ever dated. When I said he wasn't he goes, "Well that should tell you". I then explained I just need to know who I'm dealing with, he tried to get me to ask him questions like "What do you want to know about me", but I told him "there's nothing you can say to me, I need to see consistency and character on my own". He seemed okay with it but I have noticed the flirting has gone up a knot he when we're alone (I really like it though).

 

He'll kiss me in places that make me react and ask me when I back away if it's because he turns me on (which he does). He then hints at me staying the night, and tells me the offer is always standing. I love this flirting with him and it's getting harder for me to say "no" and stick to my guns.

 

He's just so sweet and gentle with me, and no man has ever treated me that way.

 

You know it sounds to me like he IS pressuring you. He's got you on the defensive, constantly having to repeat your boundaries and providing him some sort of explanation for why you have those boundaries.

 

You should NOT have to do this, that is not him being understanding and patient. Or "valuing and cherishing you." Or being so "sweet and gentle" with you. The way you have described him as being!

 

I see a different picture now after your above post.

 

That is him being pissed off you're not ready to have sex with him and manipulating/pressuring you so you will have sex with him.

 

Forget what I said before (although I still think you should explore your fears).... but I DON'T like this guy now.

 

Wait as long as you need to. Re-evaluate him and your RL. Whether HE is the right guy for YOU. JMO but it doesn't sound like he is and there is a reason you're not ready (over and above your fears).

 

Your gut is screaming at you that something just doesn't feel right. Pay attention to that! And not to your raging hormones.

 

In the meantime, slow down.... pull back.

 

TAKE CARE OF YOU!

[katrina1980]

If I were dating a guy for just a few weeks and he suggested I had "intimacy issues" because I didn't want to have sex with him at that point, I wouldn't be wondering if he were too good to be true, but if he were the right fit for me. I DETEST when men equate not being ready for sex with them and intimacy issues. It's highly insulting, and often they use it to manipulate, feigning concern -- "Let me help you get over your intimacy issues. You think too much. You just need to let go," etc.

 

Yuck, don't question if this guy is too good to be true. He's not.

 

I wouldn't worry about not sleeping together in his bed after already doing so. Just stop talking about boundaries and how you're not ready for this or that. Next time he suggests you stay over, just be light-hearted about it and say, "Oh, thanks, but I really should be getting home. Thanks for such a wonderful evening!" You don't have to justify it beyond that and get into a serious conversation about why you no longer feel like you should be spending the night, blah blah. You shouldn't feel any obligation to be explaining yourself in this way so early on!

 

THIS! Every single word of it.

 

It's spot on!

[Wiseman2]

It seems you are both enjoying the seduction game.

He'll kiss me in places that make me react and ask me when I back away if it's because he turns me on (which he does). He then hints at me staying the night, and tells me the offer is always standing. I love this flirting with him and it's getting harder for me to say "no" and stick to my guns. He's just so sweet and gentle with me, and no man has ever treated me that way.

[JaggerJim]

It seems you are both enjoying the seduction game.

 

Oh yes this. Totally agree. This sums up nicely for my final words on this issue.

[katrina1980]

I agree they may both be playing the seduction game, but it doesn't appear (to me) HE is enjoying it too much.

 

She is of course, he sounds a bit frustrated.

 

Doesn't sound like he's having much fun at all.

 

Then again, perhaps he is turned on by the challenge she presents, and if that's the case, then, in a sense, this may be fun for him too.

 

But who knows.

[Chloee1988]

You know it sounds to me like he IS pressuring you. He's got you on the defensive, constantly having to repeat your boundaries and providing him some sort of explanation for why you have those boundaries.

 

You should NOT have to do this, that is not him being understanding and patient. Or "valuing and cherishing you." Or being so "sweet and gentle" with you. The way you have described him as being!

 

I see a different picture now after your above post.

 

That is him being pissed off you're not ready to have sex with him and manipulating/pressuring you so you will have sex with him.

 

Forget what I said before (although I still think you should explore your fears).... but I DON'T like this guy now.

 

Wait as long as you need to. Re-evaluate him and your RL. Whether HE is the right guy for YOU. JMO but it doesn't sound like he is and there is a reason you're not ready (over and above your fears).

 

Your gut is screaming at you that something just doesn't feel right. Pay attention to that! And not to your raging hormones.

 

In the meantime, slow down.... pull back.

 

TAKE CARE OF YOU!

 

Spot on Katrina!

[Batya33]

She is confusing him by jumping in his bed, and then pulling this line (if she does). She shouldn't have jumped in his bed to begin with.

 

Why not? It's not confusing to tell someone you will share a bed but no intercourse tonight(or yet) - since when does sharing a bed mean you're asking for intercourse? I do think it's unfair to say let's have sex then get naked and then say no just to tease the other person. No one should ever assume that getting into bed means sex will happen and she's being very careful and thoughtful to be clear about her boundaries.

[Batya33]

Katrina - I think your advice is the most helpful and insightful because you are a person who is comfortable having sex early on and yet you recognize that it's not comfortable when the person is behaving this way about it (meaning the guy) - since you've experienced feeling comfortable and right having sex earlier on in dating then your view here means even more - no bias for one thing.

[katrina1980]

Katrina - I think your advice is the most helpful and insightful because you are a person who is comfortable having sex early on and yet you recognize that it's not comfortable when the person is behaving this way about it (meaning the guy) - since you've experienced feeling comfortable and right having sex earlier on in dating then your view here means even more - no bias for one thing.

 

Thank you for saying this! I know I change my opinion a lot, but I only do that as more pertinent info is received, as it was here.

 

OP led us to believe this guy was practically a saint, patient, understanding, valued her and cherished her. Willing to wait as long as it took for her to feel comfortable.

 

Under those circumstances, I could not understand her hesitancy, and presumed she was allowing her fears to control her decisions.

 

But now, after her recent posts, I got a different impression!

 

Yes I will have sex early on, IF I am comfortable and feel good and positive about it. I am fortunate to be extremely perceptive and pick up on positive and negative signals fairly quickly and easily.

 

My having sex early experiences have all turned out well for that reason. Led to long term RLs.

 

HOWEVER, if I ever encountered a man like the OP's guy, who constantly had me on the defensive, repeating my boundaries ad nauseum, accusing me of "overthinking" and/or that I had "intimacy issues," and who suddenly amped up his flirting and/or kissing, physical attention and affection in an attempt to "turn me on" (or weaken my boundaries) - THAT would not work for me and in fact would turn me off, I would probably next him.

 

He is EXACTLY the type of guy who WOULD ghost after sex, and those types best to be avoided imho.

 

ETA: OP I'm sorry to say this but I think your "picker" is off. It's no wonder you get ghosted and or treated poorly after sex - you are choosing the WRONG guys, and I am afraid you have done the same here too.

 

I could be wrong, I hope I am! But that's how it's looking to me right now, but keep us posted, fingers crossed it works out well for you in the end.

[LadyBug1988]

I agree they may both be playing the seduction game, but it doesn't appear (to me) HE is enjoying it too much.

 

She is of course, he sounds a bit frustrated.

 

Doesn't sound like he's having much fun at all.

 

Then again, perhaps he is turned on by the challenge she presents, and if that's the case, then, in a sense, this may be fun for him too.

 

But who knows.

 

I honestly am enjoying it, I love every minute I spend with him. I'm just not ready yet, and I know he is. If he's the type of guy that's gonna disappear if I don't put-out in less than a month regardless of all our time together, I want him to.

 

I've told him early on that if he's looking for an easy lay for NYE or period, he needs to go back online and find it cause it isn't me. He swore to high heavens that's not what he's looking for, so if he's frustrated it's his own fault for being dishonest.

 

I haven't genuinely liked someone this much in a long time, and I've never liked someone for these reasons.

[LadyBug1988]

Thank you for saying this! I know I change my opinion a lot, but I only do that as more pertinent info is received, as it was here.

 

OP led us to believe this guy was practically a saint, patient, understanding, valued her and cherished her. Willing to wait as long as it took for her to feel comfortable.

 

Under those circumstances, I could not understand her hesitancy, and presumed she was allowing her fears to control her decisions.

 

But now, after her recent post, I got a different impression!

 

Yes I will have sex early on, IF I am comfortable and feel good and positive about it. I am fortunate to be extremely perceptive and pick up on positive and negative signals fairly quickly and easily.

 

My having sex early experiences have all turned out well for that reason. Led to long term RLs.

 

HOWEVER, if I ever encountered a man like the OP's guy, who constantly had me on the defensive, repeating my boundaries ad nauseum, accusing me of "overthinking" and/or that I had "intimacy issues," and who suddenly amped up his flirting and/or kissing, physical attention and affection in an attempt to "turn me on" (or weaken my boundaries) - THAT would not work for me and in fact would turn me off, I would probably next him.

 

He is EXACTLY the type of guy who WOULD ghost after sex, and those types best to be avoided imho.

 

You are so right... Seeing it put that way makes so much sense.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you playing a little hard to get is sort of the fun of the chase for him.

[JaggerJim]

Sounds like your going to write him off, but all he wants is a bit of sex!!!!!

 

Sheesh!

[katrina1980]

Sounds like your going to write him off, but all he wants is a bit of sex!!!!!

 

Sheesh!

 

She doesn't need to write him off just yet. I might (would) but then again, ballerinababe gave an awesome alternative which OP could try too before nexting him.

 

"Just stop talking about boundaries and how you're not ready for this or that. Next time he suggests you stay over, just be light-hearted about it and say, "Oh, thanks, but I really should be getting home. Thanks for such a wonderful evening!" You don't have to justify it beyond that and get into a serious conversation about why you no longer feel like you should be spending the night, blah blah. You shouldn't feel any obligation to be explaining yourself in this way so early on!"

 

Although somehow I don't think that would quite do the trick.

 

The guy has a goal (sex) and will pull out all the stops until he gets it.

 

OP, I wish you luck.

[LadyBug1988]

Sounds like your going to write him off, but all he wants is a bit of sex!!!!!

 

Sheesh!

 

Lol sorry for failing to acknowledge your posts but I really appreciate your perspective. Funny thing is I attempted to write this guy off a few weeks ago cause he made me uncomfortable before we established boundaries. I paid him back for some expensive escapade plus some in cash and told him to go back on Tinder and find an easy lay for the holidays.

 

The dude looked shocked and like he was about to cry and I was convinced he was faking cause I had only known him a few days. When he displayed no anger and remained calm, apologized and asked what he could do to fix things, I was taken aback. Not the reaction I expected and continued seeing him, he reeled me back in while I was uncertain and it has been great ever since.

 

I like his personality, I told him we can get rid of the luxurious outings and "sleeping over issues". I like him and only want to enjoy him for himself right now. However, if he doesn't feel the same, I will end things.

[katrina1980]

 

I've told him early on that if he's looking for an easy lay for NYE or period, he needs to go back online and find it cause it isn't me.

 

He swore to high heavens that's not what he's looking for, so if he's frustrated it's his own fault for being dishonest.

 

 

First off, THAT is a lie, most, if not all, men are looking for sex (the sooner the better!). So that right there indicates (to me) he is a bit of a scammer.

 

Question is, is that ALL he's looking for? Many men are looking for a RL in addition to sex, so it's important to measure his words versus his actions carefully here.

 

He says he's not looking for sex, but his ACTIONS certainly indicate otherwise, don't you think? I mean his constantly putting you on the defensive having to explain your reasons for wanting to wait, his accusations, amping up the kissing, flirting, etc. THE MAN WANTS SEX!

 

Second, what would you expect him to say? Admit that all he's looking for is sex? And plans on ghosting afterwards? No man would ever admit that.

 

In all likelihood he doesn't know how the hell he's gonna feel after sex. THAT would be the truth.

 

Look I don't mean to be a negative nellie here but ya gotta pay attention!!

 

I get it, you are extremely attracted to him, he turns you on, gets your juices flowing like no other.

 

You can't stop thinking about him, probably even fantasizing about having sex with him!

 

You love all this attention, everything about him! It increases your attraction, and for all these reasons you are NOT thinking clearly, your brain is clouded by the rush of attraction/emotion/intense feelings, and your judgment is a off.

 

Happens to the best of us!

 

Just be careful and slow it down and see how it goes from there.

[Sportster2005]

You're not playing games. You're being upfront. He sounds patient. Relax, everything seems fine.

[katrina1980]

You're not playing games. You're being upfront. He sounds patient. Relax, everything seems fine.

 

Have you read the entire thread?

 

Reason I ask is cause he sounded like a saint to me too!

 

But as the thread continued, it turns out he's pressuring her, has her on the defensive defending her reasons for wanting to wait, accusing her of "overthinking," having "intimacy issues," among other things.

 

He's actually not being so patient after all. He's waiting yes, but not very patiently.