Awkward situation at the begininnig

[Lady Blonde]

Hi guys,

 

need some advice. After last boyfriend cheating on me and trying to stay in contact with me, I've met someone else. Actually we have known each other for a couple of years. To make it short : he is really a nice guy, really smart, a true friend to people around him, and after few months of asking me out I finally said yes. We are dating for three months and I have problems to relax cause I don't trust anyone. He wroks a lot. And I knew that before, cause we have mutual friends. That actually is not a problem. I also work a lot and have my own small world. He was away for a month and we had perfect communication. He is caring and understands my fear of being hurt again. I also had some health problems and he was there. But working so much he is releasing his stress going out with his group of friends. He often invites me with them and we party all night...but he often makes plans for two of us..then cancel cause he is stuck on work...he makes a plan to take a trip on a weekend but he works or I am working. I am handling that, but my close friends are telling me that it's not good for a relationship. He says he really cares for me, but that is his life, he work sometimes seven days per week, sometimes 12h per day, sometimes have trips but that he is there for me and that he wishes for me to understand his way of life and that he will try to combine business with private life better.

 

My real problem is that for a last year I am in a financial crisis, I changed my job, and had some surgery and spend a lot of money and have a lot of debts. I didn't tell him that, he asked me few times do I need help I said no. But our mutual friend told him some things, and few nights ago he came to see me and surprised me and left something on my desk. He said I can't tell anyone about that and he doesn't want to talk about it. It was money for my rent and bills. I told him I couldn't accept it but he said he doesn't want to hear about it. The day after I called him to meet him to give him money back cause I felt embaressed but he said If I ever mention that again he will stop talking to me.

 

I don't know how to act, I feel embaressed and touched at the same time. But the amount is really big. I know he has money, but I never liked him because of that, but because he is really good person. I haven't called him for two days because I don't know how to act anymore.

 

Thx in advance

[gebaird]

Accept the gift. It's an offer of love. Just be yourself around him, and be glad you're with a good guy even though you can't always spend a lot of time together.

[j.man]

If you're genuine about not wanting to accept:

 

"I really like you and appreciate the gesture so much. However, I firmly believe in making my own way and I simply can't accept your money. I know you said you'd stop talking to me, but I really hope you'll reconsider as I've really enjoyed our time together."

 

Either you're OK taking the money or you're not. Personally, I could not, and especially not from someone I'd recently begun dating. If you likewise couldn't, be firm, and if he can't accept the fact you're an independent woman, that's on him and good riddance. However, if you're on here looking for a pat on the back and a nudge to go ahead with depositing the cash, don't let any of us stop you.

[nutbrownhare]

He sounds like a great guy who is doing his best to balance your relationship with his work demands. He has told you he is there for you, and now he sees an opportunity to prove that - especially as he isn't able to see you as often as he would like.

 

I can totally understand why you don't want to accept the help; if you're used to being independent and taking responsibility for yourself it REALLY goes against the grain. However, rejecting it will feel like you're rejecting him. If you'd feel happier about it, tell him you're treating it as a loan and will give him a fantastic holiday or some other treat when you're back on your feet.

 

Please call him. Now. He's probably thinking he's screwed up the relationship.

[Wiseman2]

That's what a guy who cares does. He doesn't want to see you in pain or struggling. As he said, don't mention it. Also don't feel obliged.

 

It sounds like your relationship is going well. He works a lot and perhaps is his reward to himself, he wants to help the lady he loves. You didn't ask for it but accept it graciously.

He says he really cares for me, but that is his life, he work sometimes seven days per week, sometimes 12h per day, sometimes have trips but that he is there for me and that he wishes for me to understand his way of life and that he will try to combine business with private life better. our mutual friend told him some things, and few nights ago he came to see me and surprised me and left something on my desk. He said I can't tell anyone about that and he doesn't want to talk about it. It was money for my rent and bills.

[itsallgrand]

I personally think it would be unwise to take the money. It throws off the power balance, and you are only recently dating. Plus you do not yet, from what you say, feel or are deeply secure in this relationship. All good reasons to decline.

 

That's my two cents anyways.

[j.man]

Sorry, but I can't agree with taking the money. "he said If I ever mention that again he will stop talking to me" is a bluff that should be called. He either bluffed because he cares and wants you to take the money, or he was serious and can't bring himself to respect your autonomy. I guarantee he'd refuse money from you for the exact same reasons you're not comfortable accepting money from him.

[ThatwasThen]

I agree that accepting the help but making it a repayable loan in a regular monthly amount that you can afford is a good compromise. Accepting without repaying would be a position I wouldn't want to put myself in. You're not married and you're not in anything long term or for all you know, promising to be anything long term.

[Lady Blonde]

Thank you all for quick and good advices. I will call him tomorrow, we planned a get away these days cause we both have few days off around Christmas.

 

I tried to see thing from my side, If I have money will I give it to someone who needs it and I liked him? Yes, but it's kinda difficult to admitt to yourself that you are not standing on your feets after all.

[ThatwasThen]

Thank you all for quick and good advices. I will call him tomorrow, we planned a get away these days cause we both have few days off around Christmas.

 

I tried to see thing from my side, If I have money will I give it to someone who needs it and I liked him? Yes, but it's kinda difficult to admitt to yourself that you are not standing on your feets after all.

So I guess that means you're going to accept it and not volunteer to repay it, then?

[JaggerJim]

I don't agree that if you mention it again, he will stop talking to you. That's power-tripping.

 

Your entitled to talk about it. If he was going to give you that much money he should have had a discussion with you first. He's done it all wrong.

[Wiseman2]

Never be ashamed of having kids, working hard and sometimes falling on hard times. You're human, he sees that. Enjoy your Christmas holidays with him.

I tried to see thing from my side, If I have money will I give it to someone who needs it and I liked him? Yes, but it's kinda difficult to admitt to yourself that you are not standing on your feets after all.

[j.man]

It throws off the power balance, and you are only recently dating.

Yup. The fact you prefaced your main question with separate relationship issues also speaks volumes. As mentioned, this relationship is new and you're not too secure with it. Which is fine given the freshness. But very few things in life are free, and while I'm not going to say this guy's a conniving, evil mastermind, a sizable financial gesture is a pretty good way to get someone to feel obligated. Plus, when's the next occasion he decides you're not equipped to do something you'd like to do for yourself and he'll "stop talking to you" if you don't let him take over?

 

I'd be fine going the loan route if you called him up, asked him if he was really serious about refusing to talk to you if you turned down the money, and if it turns out he was just bluffing, go ahead and accept it and pay it back. But altruism is often used as a mask for what's actually controlling behavior, particularly when it comes to men and money.

 

However, I'm doubting there was ever more than one possible outcome in this scenario.

[itsallgrand]

I agree with jman so much with this it hurts lol.

 

You are setting a tone here. The tone is going the way of little time with him but he'll give lots of money. It's up to you if that's the relationship YOU want?

 

What concerns me is you seem afraid to negotiate something different, are even afraid to call for fear of losing him. You have self admitted trust issues.

 

In my mind, going for a more balanced approach could offer deeper longer term building of security. Well, it worked for me. But end of the day, this is your choice and your relationship and I wish you luck.

[Hawaii96814]

Lady Blonde,

 

I could relate to the guy. I can see myself in him early this year when I dated my ex. I also supported her financially for months while she was in financial crisis. The problem with taking his money is if you don't love him yet, please don't take his money. You will feel obligated to go out with him even if you're feeling is not strong enough for him. You will ended up going out with him because you need him more than you love him. One day, you'll meet someone you really into and you'll ended up dumping him and shatter the guy's heart into pieces.

[lostandhurt]

If the roles were reversed would you give him money to help him out? If the answer is yes then accept the gift as it was given. He didn't give you the money to have something to hold over you or to have more power in the relationship, he gave it to you because he cares for you deeply and sees you are struggling.

 

Let me tell you something I just told a wonderful woman I know that is as stubborn as a mule but is as generous as anyone you would ever meet. She is struggling right now. I told her "Accepting help from someone that cares for you is like letting them love you"

 

There is no power play here and if he acts like it later then you can dump him. Do not let ego or pride control your choices, see this and him as a gift in your life.

 

Lost

 

PS. If you are in an eastern country where culturally things are much different than in the west it may be seen as an insult to refuse it. Many times we forget things are not the same all over the world.

[butterfly45]

My worry would be if things didn't work out, he could then use that against you.

 

I also would reconsider who your friends are if they are going to discuss your finances with other people.

[Lady Blonde]

Thank you all for the enaswers, I really appreciate it!

 

We talked this morning, and will have a lunch break. I will talk to him. I talked to my friend who told him about the problems, she said she knows him and he is just like that to the people he cares about. Still not ok for telling him about that. She was the only one who knew about the whole situation. But still, it is beginning, and I want at least to talk about it and if he doesn't want it now, to make a deal about paying back.

[nutbrownhare]

The actions of both the new boyfriend, and the friend who shared the information in the first place, are coming from a caring place. It seems to me very unlikely that the OP's friend was gossiping generally - much more likely that she told him because she knew he was in a position to help, and she was worried about her friend.

 

I'd interpret his refusal to speak to her if she didn't accept the gift as a tongue-in-cheek emphasis on how much he wanted her to accept it, not a serious ultimatum. I had a similar experience when I was on my uppers, and a friend wanted to buy a painting from me. When I checked my bank account, he'd transferred significantly more than the asking price, and when I phoned up to say there had been a mistake - he told me that there was no mistake, and there wouldn't be any further discussion. Quite sternly.

 

Sure, if things don't work out he could hold it against her. Sure, it could be a method of control. But from what the OP has reported, he doesn't sound like that kind of guy. Until and unless she has reason to suspect an ulterior motive, I think it's best to assume there isn't one.

[butterfly45]

Why is it down to your friend to find people to help you financially? Surely that should be your call. But it does sound like you intend to accept the money as you keep saying 'I will talk to him' even though the two of you have been in contact?

 

nutbrownhare I do see what you're saying, but I think there is a difference between paying a friend for a service and giving them a generous 'tip', and accepting a large sum of money from someone you have been dating for three months.

[nutbrownhare]

Why is it down to your friend to find people to help you financially? Surely that should be your call. But it does sound like you intend to accept the money as you keep saying 'I will talk to him' even though the two of you have been in contact?

 

nutbrownhare I do see what you're saying, but I think there is a difference between paying a friend for a service and giving them a generous 'tip', and accepting a large sum of money from someone you have been dating for three months.

 

She's known him as a friend for two years, and he had been chasing her for months before she started going out with him. If it were someone she'd only known for three months, that would be entirely different.