Overprotective parents are keeping me from my niece

[Batya33]

Wow. I appreciate your response.... But "move on and forget the 13 year old"? Ummmm... it's my niece! I'm not just going to forget about her for the next 5 years and then pick up where we left off. Either way, I have no choice but to respect their decision. But wow.. just wow. And btw, you might have missed.. I'm not completely cut off or anything. My wife and I just can't have her over at our house anymore. We can still see her though, as long as it's supervised.

 

Then see her and keep up the relationship - it doesn't need to be unsupervised to be meaningful.

[Wiseman2]

To be honest I would not bother with this argument. They are substance free all the way around so don't go there.

 

It sounds like they feel you betrayed them by not alerting them to this and keeping it "our little secret". Don't defend pot to them you're wasting your time. Drop it.

It's better than drinking and smoking nasty cigarettes. His parents only recently found out and because I knew all along

[Seraphim]

As the parent of a 19-year-old I can tell you it is the hardest thing in the world to let your child go and live their life . It is unimaginably hard to watch them make mistakes not listen to what will make their life easier . Etc etc . I agree you Do sound like a good person . But maybe smoking weed is not the lifestyle they want their kids to have . What you tell kids to do and what they are going to observe are two different things . Here's a suggestion if your folks are still alive ask them how hard it was to let you guys go and live your life . I am finding this is one of the hardest things I have ever done . As far as the 13-year-old goes you still have to abide by how they want that child parented.

[Fudgie]

If you're going to judge parents then also judge how many people these days treat friends as fungible/disposable no matter whether they are parents, single, whatever

 

Oh yeah, that is true too. Many people are seen as disposable.

 

OP, keep in mind too, any interaction with children is a liability. You will be expected to project a certain image. If you don't fit it, you are gone. You may be accused of introducing a child to bad habits even though you didn't. What if they took legal action against you or slandered you as a result?

 

I'm so glad I don't bother. That sort of stuff scares me.

[Fudgie]

Wow. I appreciate your response.... But "move on and forget the 13 year old"? Ummmm... it's my niece! I'm not just going to forget about her for the next 5 years and then pick up where we left off. Either way, I have no choice but to respect their decision. But wow.. just wow. And btw, you might have missed.. I'm not completely cut off or anything. My wife and I just can't have her over at our house anymore. We can still see her though, as long as it's supervised.

 

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were allowed supervised time. I thought you were cut off completely!

 

In that case, I take back the "forget your niece" part. (Because if they DID cut you off completely, you should move on and forget!)

 

I would just enjoy the supervised time when you can. Take her out somewhere if you can, with you and your wife.

[Batya33]

Oh yeah, that is true too. Many people are seen as disposable.

 

OP, keep in mind too, any interaction with children is a liability. You will be expected to project a certain image. If you don't fit it, you are gone. You may be accused of introducing a child to bad habits even though you didn't. What if they took legal action against you or slandered you as a result?

 

I'm so glad I don't bother. That sort of stuff scares me.

 

I think that is taking it to an irrational extreme. Common sense = no/remote risk of even being accused ,much less "liability". No projecting, no image. Plain old common sense and that also means a basic understanding that a child is a minor and therefore the caregiver is entitled to assert the boundaries. If you don't like/agree with the boundaries, you don't interact. Of course no one is required to interact with a child on a social level.

[Fudgie]

I think that is taking it to an irrational extreme. Common sense = no/remote risk of even being accused ,much less "liability".

 

It's not irrational. I personally would not want the liability of being expected to oversee a child - anything goes wrong, you're on the hook. It's not the good old days anymore. People have been assaulted for telling a kid to "stop" doing something in public (like touching them) or even grabbing them to stop them from running into traffic. Not to mention being expected to be a positive role model (whatever that means, that's subjective).

 

I've been to the store and have seen unsupervised small children pulling off heavy boxes and doing dangerous things. Once, I saw a toddler run into a road. I got out of there. I don't want to get into legal trouble if I stopped to help and the parent/guardian flipped out on me and called the police or something.

 

It does happen. Too many irrational, blame-hungry folks out there.

 

Anyway, my way of mitigating risk is to not spend time with children and not to have friendships with them, approved or not.

[Livinglife2016]

To be honest I would not bother with this argument. They are substance free all the way around so don't go there.

 

It sounds like they feel you betrayed them by not alerting them to this and keeping it "our little secret". Don't defend pot to them you're wasting your time. Drop it.

 

Hey good point. I never even thought of that angle. Like my condoning his smoking weed made them not want me around my niece. Hadn't really thought of that. What's interesting is that until my nephew turned 18 (actually he was closer to 19), we never spoke of weed and I never ever exposed him to it, never encouraged it or partying or anything like that. I guess it's just ironic...

[RainyCoast]

yup. not telling him to not do it may have been interpreted as encouraging him to smoke without ever actively offering it. by extension, "if niece wants to smoke, she'll hide at uncle's house because he doesn't nag".

[Livinglife2016]

As the parent of a 19-year-old I can tell you it is the hardest thing in the world to let your child go and live their life . It is unimaginably hard to watch them make mistakes not listen to what will make their life easier . Etc etc . I agree you Do sound like a good person . But maybe smoking weed is not the lifestyle they want their kids to have . What you tell kids to do and what they are going to observe are two different things . Here's a suggestion if your folks are still alive ask them how hard it was to let you guys go and live your life . I am finding this is one of the hardest things I have ever done . As far as the 13-year-old goes you still have to abide by how they want that child parented.

 

I wholeheartedly believe you. And I agree that it's their kid so its their. I guess what I find so interesting is how quickly parents become irrational when it comes to their kids. I know it's out of love, concern and well being. But it's not necessarily the healthiest parental choice. Again, I know it's THEIR choice and I can't challenge it and have no right to judge it, but remember - my niece loves me too so this affects her too. Keeping her from coming over to my house -- to hang out, talk, watch movies, play board games -- is keeping her from a good, healthy uncle/niece relationship. I'm not harmful to her well being, but now there's an irrational assumption that I somehow am. And that is something parents can't seem to own or acknowledge. Just because they act on something out of worry, fear or love doesn't mean it's the best or right choice. Sometimes it IS irrational and sometimes it's NOT in their kids best interest even if they think it is. My nephew is almost finished with his bachelors so he's not this drugged out failure or anything. You hit the nail on the head: even though they don't have a problem with pot in general, they don't want *THEIR* kids smoking it. It's like a weird double standard or something that I'll probably never understand.

 

Anyway, I'm totally respecting their decision. I probably just wanted to be heard here and have my feelings validated. Don't we all?

[Livinglife2016]

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were allowed supervised time. I thought you were cut off completely!

 

In that case, I take back the "forget your niece" part. (Because if they DID cut you off completely, you should move on and forget!)

 

I would just enjoy the supervised time when you can. Take her out somewhere if you can, with you and your wife.

 

Lol yeah no worries. We still get to see her and will of course make the most of that arrangement. But having her over to our place *without* her parents around is part of the fun for her. It's not like we're handing her a joint or anything, we're just hanging out playing board games and letting her spill the beans on her teenage life. You know how teenagers are.. their parents are the least hip people on the face of the planet. That's just the way it is. Of course she loves her parents, but being a teenager she sometimes needs a reprieve from them. And I'm not trying to judge, but they are in fact very smothering parents who are very overprotective. Any teenager would love to escape that to another family's house every now and then, whether it's grandpas house, a cousin, or aunts/uncles. Who doesn't love a sleepover at their aunt/uncles house!? I know I loved it when I was young. It doesn't just affect me.. sucks for her she can't come have some fun at our place every once

[Livinglife2016]

yup. not telling him to not do it may have been interpreted as encouraging him to smoke without ever actively offering it. by extension, "if niece wants to smoke, she'll hide at uncle's house because he doesn't nag".

 

Yeah I gotcha. I really hadn't thought about that before. Thanks for the insight. Thing is though, I WOULD say something if my niece wanted to smoke weed at my house. When you're an adult (like my nephew) it's different. It's his choice and his life and since I smoke weed myself I'm not going to be some hypocrite and tell him not to. But I wouldn't condone it while they're still in highschool/underage. Not only because I feel a sense of responsibility for them and their well being as their uncle, but also because of the potential legal ramifications of my allowing that activity in my home. Responsible adults to smoke weed have to take certain measures to hide it and uphold their character for fear of being judged about it and the legal consequences. It's just not something you go around telling everyone about!

[Capricorn3]

I can tell you it is the hardest thing in the world to let your child go and live their life . It is unimaginably hard to watch them make mistakes not listen to what will make their life easier . Etc etc . But maybe smoking weed is not the lifestyle they want their kids to have . What you tell kids to do and what they are going to observe are two different things . Here's a suggestion if your folks are still alive ask them how hard it was to let you guys go and live your life . I am finding this is one of the hardest things I have ever done . As far as the 13-year-old goes you still have to abide by how they want that child parented.

I totally agree. At the risk of being flamed, I know my husband and I would never let our kids go to a home where we know someone uses drugs/smokes weed etc. Some parents may not have an issue with it, but for me, it just wouldn't work.

[Seraphim]

Why not take my advice and go ask parents who have adult children how difficult it is to let your children go . You're right it is not all rational thoughts however loving your child goes beyond all measures of rationality . I think you might really get more insight if you talk to some parents who have adult children. Just because a child is an adult doesn't mean you set them free and don't care what they do . A child is your child until they put you in a wooden box . I am 50 and my mother is 70 and she still has opinions on what I should or shouldn't do . You never stop caring and you never stop being a parent .

[Livinglife2016]

I had my child at 42 and I totally got way before I was a parent about boundaries and how to protect one's child yet still foster independence-and how hard that is. I don't think you have to be a parent to know about that, to consider what your parenting style might be, your values, how you would react in different situations. Sure some thing change when reality hits but there are too many dismissive "you can't know about ___ unless you're a parent yourself"

 

Amen. I totally agree. You don't have to be a parent to know or witness how some types of parenting (like helicopter parenting) negatively impact children all the way into adulthood, even if it's done out of love and protection. There's enough science to back up that statement.

[Wiseman2]

I would veer away from any discussion of 'all kids do it' or 'pot is not that bad', etc. Why? Because it's not about that.

 

Many young people confide in another adult particularly kids with authoritarian parents.

 

You were put in the untenable position of betraying your nephew's confidences or (in their eyes) undermining their authority by not alerting them to this.

 

This is really an issue in their household and you are sort of collateral damage because you smoke pot and he confided he tried it to you. Their discovering this comes as a shock to them considering their value system. Then they discover you knew of this before they did. Do you see what I mean?

 

Unfortunately parents who pull the reins tightly will have these discoveries because their kids will rebel and do what the peers are doing to some extent. For the record, I am straightedge yet open minded so that's why I see both sides of this,

Hey good point. I never even thought of that angle. Like my condoning his smoking weed made them not want me around my niece. Hadn't really thought of that. What's interesting is that until my nephew turned 18 (actually he was closer to 19), we never spoke of weed and I never ever exposed him to it, never encouraged it or partying or anything like that. I guess it's just ironic...

[Seraphim]

At what age do you feel parenting should end?

[journeynow]

Yes, I understand how that hurts, and I believe you are a good person. This is not about good and bad. Try to redefine the situation if you can, as they are not stripping you of your relationship with her; you CAN still see her. Just not one-on-one for now. It's not forever. They might be freaking out about their son, or about the fact their daughter is changing into a teen and they are anxious about all kinds of perils there, or maybe they are privy about something about their daughter (not you) that has heightened their alert with her. Also, consider that your niece looks up to both you and her older brother, and with both of you using pot your brother and SIL are feeling extra anxious. 13 is a tender and vulnerable age.

 

Teen years are tough. If you can be the strong and steady uncle who stays in their lives, even in the company of parents or slightly removed, the bond will still be there for them. You don't have to be hands on. By being around your niece AND her parents, you may have a positive influence on ALL 3. They'll see how good you are.

[Seraphim]

Btw, I am not am not a rabid anti pot hater . I am considering medical pot for a severely painful neurological disorder. I was a rabid pot hater. Doesn't mean I hate the people see the difference ? I have a 19-year-old son and I must say though I wouldn't want him smoking pot . My 19 year old lives in my house and goes to college. I struggle on a daily basis with the transition of him becoming an adult . That is a very difficult thing for parents . He is also developmentally disabled so that is a struggle as well. How much do I let go and how much do I continue to parent. It is really a hard thing that has brought me to tears on many occasions. The horror of every parent is to somehow be a detriment to their child .

[Batya33]

It's not irrational. I personally would not want the liability of being expected to oversee a child - anything goes wrong, you're on the hook. It's not the good old days anymore. People have been assaulted for telling a kid to "stop" doing something in public (like touching them) or even grabbing them to stop them from running into traffic. Not to mention being expected to be a positive role model (whatever that means, that's subjective).

 

I've been to the store and have seen unsupervised small children pulling off heavy boxes and doing dangerous things. Once, I saw a toddler run into a road. I got out of there. I don't want to get into legal trouble if I stopped to help and the parent/guardian flipped out on me and called the police or something.

 

It does happen. Too many irrational, blame-hungry folks out there.

 

Anyway, my way of mitigating risk is to not spend time with children and not to have friendships with them, approved or not.

 

I thought you were referring to interacting not overseeing. Overseeing of course has more risks.

[journeynow]

He tried it for the first time (like most college kids!), confided in me, etc. so it's been out in the open between us for 3 years now. ...His parents only recently found out...

 

Ok, I just read this. This is important to their reaction. It could be they feel betrayed by you (or both you and him) that you both had this secret for 3 years that was counter to how they brought him up, and you both knew it. Since they didn't know for those 3 years, they don't know what they should or shouldn't think or believe, it's shaken their trust. Not that either of you are required as adults to tell all, but they may have expected to be told of this. In addition, if they are paying for his college, he is dependent upon them and his behavior, habits, and self-responsibility while in college are important to them. He is not exactly a free agent yet.

[notalady]

When I was a teenager, I used to be friends with and confide in my dad's ex partner who used to live with us, because she was 12 younger than my dad and wasn't really acting like a parent, more like a friend. However once she told my dad something I told her about my dating life, and I've never confided things to her again. I still like her of course. But it just made me realise that she's not really "my friend", she's my dads partner and will alert my dad if there's something she thinks he should know as a parent. And I never blamed her for that, I understand it's well intentioned. It's a difficult position to be in, the adult who is friends with a child/teenager but also have a relationship with the parents.

 

I think it is an unsustainable friendship until the child/teenager is fully grown up. For me personally, I don't see a child as grown up until they've graduated from college and stepped into the work force, fully supporting themselves financially and otherwise. Just because they've reached legal age (18) doesn't mean anything to me other than that they are now accountable under the law for anything they do.

[Seraphim]

Ok, I just read this. This is important to their reaction. It could be they feel betrayed by you (or both you and him) that you both had this secret for 3 years that was counter to how they brought him up, and you both knew it. Since they didn't know for those 3 years, they don't know what they should or shouldn't think or believe, it's shaken their trust. Not that either of you are required as adults to tell all, but they may have expected to be told of this. In addition, if they are paying for his college, he is dependent upon them and his behavior, habits, and self-responsibility while in college are important to them. He is not exactly a free agent yet.

 

I agree their trust in YOU was shaken.

[Fudgie]

I thought you were referring to interacting not overseeing. Overseeing of course has more risks.

 

Oh yeah, of course. I think interacting carries some risk too but not as much as overseeing.

 

Last time I saw my boyfriend's family, I got asked to hold a small child and I pretended that I had a cold because I don't want the liability. I also refrain from answering questions that get asked of me by children (I dodge or try to excuse myself) because I never know the "right" thing to say and I don't want to mess something up or offend someone.

[Batya33]

Oh yeah, of course. I think interacting carries some risk too but not as much as overseeing.

 

Last time I saw my boyfriend's family, I got asked to hold a small child and I pretended that I had a cold because I don't want the liability. I also refrain from answering questions that get asked of me by children (I dodge or try to excuse myself) because I never know the "right" thing to say and I don't want to mess something up or offend someone.

Totally understand the former. Not so much the latter - it would depend for me on the question. I once got in trouble for telling my sister'a then four year old nephew that my cat wasn't there to play with because he died. I was in my early 20s and had no idea I shouldn't say that. So I don't think that being an aunt or uncle means , op, that you are entitled to spend time alone with the kids. Grandparents might be a different story - have heard of laws that give grandparents rights but it's really up to the parents and since they see that unsupervised time has lead to secrets about drug use well o get their concern.