Adult child wants to move to the other side of the country

[Unreasonable]

I know, I know, what's the problem with that, right?

 

My son is 21 years old. He has (I guess) fairly mild aspergers syndrome. He also has depression, his hygene is awful, and has threatened suicide on multiple occasions since he was 5. His mother coddles him very much and after dropping out of school, he basically just lives in our basement and plays video games, often screaming at the top of his lungs and audible 2 floors above, and happily lives in filth. This plus side is, he has a minimum wage job, and has a girlfriend who basically does everything for him. He has no interest in participating in family activities and has no chores.

 

Well, he was offered to fly over to the other side of the country by a high school buddy and live with him and his young wife. He would be leaving his girlfriend, job, and of course, us.

 

Now, don't get me wrong, I AM TOTALLY for him being independent. I moved across the country myself, a bit older than he was (granted I was married and somewhat financially established). I'm just afraid this is a very large leap for him, I don't know if he knows what he's getting into, and I especially don't know that his friend knows what he's getting into. I can't imagine his wife putting up with him as-is. If his friend bailed on him he would have no support system whatsoever. That would be a heckuva bailout for us, and since he likes to keep to himself so much I could easily see him becoming indigent instead of telling us anything.

 

I don't know if I'm asking for advice. Obviously I can't stop him, he's an adult. I just think, while it might give him the proper kick to get his act together, it could go horribly wrong.

[avman]

This is going to be one of those close your eyes, close your mouth, and hope for the best type situations I'm afraid. Like you said you can't really stop him. He's an adult now and needs to learn about the consequences of his actions and decisions. Sometimes things are going to go horribly wrong and you won't be able to stop it. These are the rough parts of parenting (I've got 3 of my own right around this age). There have been several times I've just gritted my teeth and just told them I love them and I hope it works out ok for them.

[melancholy123]

I can appreciate your concern. Since he's an adult you can't stop him and probably should encourage him to do this and see how it goes. Perhaps being away from mom and dad could be good for him. As long as he knows you are a phone call away if things go south, he should go with whatever confidence he has. He needs to spread his wings at some point.

[Wiseman2]

Bite the bullet and let him make his own mistakes. Just clean up the room while he's gone if things don't work out for him. Be supportive, keep the lines of communication open and reassure him that his room will still be there if things don't work.

I'm just afraid this is a very large leap for him, I don't know if he knows what he's getting into, and I especially don't know that his friend knows what he's getting into. I can't imagine his wife putting up with him as-is. If his friend bailed on him he would have no support system whatsoever.

[RainyCoast]

i would look up the local mental health community in the place he's moving to. get in touch with the coordinator of the in-patient program nearest to his location. explain the situation. tell HIM he can go if he agrees to be in the program. they do usually require he takes occupational therapy in their affiliate program and is regularly monitored by the staff, like dropping in twice a week for consultation.

[Seraphim]

I would also give him a phone that he can call home with that anytime and keep some money aside for a plane ticket to bring him home.

 

I am sorry I just hope I'm not in that drastic situation one day . My son has Aspergers as well .

[Snny]

He has (I guess) fairly mild aspergers syndrome.

What do you mean you guess? He has no professional diagnosis? Then you can't really say he has autism (aspergers is no longer used- it's autism).

 

So he has depression, terrible hygiene, and low social functioning. That does not mean he has autism. There could easily be other mental attributes/deficiencies to the behaviors he is displaying.

 

Get him professionally screened... That is if he is willing.

 

i would look up the local mental health community in the place he's moving to. get in touch with the coordinator of the in-patient program nearest to his location. explain the situation.

If he does not have any pre-diagnostic record from professional psychiatrists, there is hardly anything a local mental health agency can do. Most likely they will require a psychological evaluation first before admitting him as a candidate for an adult community program. Almost all adult community agencies have waiting lists that last for YEARS to receive any services. This is why we PUSH for transition planning and services as early as the child hits 14 years of age because wait lists suck.

 

I really hate being the Debbie Downer her, but is a very complicated process than what you are describing to the OP. Trust me, I work for one of many of these organizations, and it is a very lengthy process.

[Unreasonable]

What do you mean you guess? He has no professional diagnosis? Then you can't really say he has autism (aspergers is no longer used- it's autism).

Yes, he was professionally diagnosed with Aspergers and depression, many years ago. When I said "I guess", it was in regards to severity - I do not know how severe it is since I don't know anyone else that has it to compare, and it's difficult to dissect what aspects of his personality come from it. He has the stereotypical high intelligence, poor social skills, but some self-awareness. He has been holding down this minimum wage job, but I suspect that is being "helped" by his girlfriend working there first and getting him the job. She does everything for him, cleans his clothes, reminds him to bathe, etc. Coddles him the way his mother did. I really don't know at what level he's going to function without somebody like that, because he's never been allowed to hit "rock bottom."

 

After a recent suicide threat, he was hospitalized, saw a psychiatrist and is going to to get follow up on that, though he is is absolutely not interested in taking medication. He saw a psychiatrist as a child but stopped going as a young adult when his doctor was murdered by a patient.

[Seraphim]

I can understand why he would kind of feel threatened by medication after what happened to his doctor . That is scary ! As you know they tend to hold onto thoughts and that's it . My son too is very anti-medication .

 

As far as coddling I would say I do that too . My son too need hygiene reminders, change your clothes reminders etc. He does not work yet but is on disability and going to college . I am lucky or unlucky depend thing on who looks at it that he's not very defiant about leaving . Other things he is defiant as hell about as most teenagers are .

 

My feeling is that he will come back . He will find out that the rest of the world will not baby him and does not care . I took off out West at 18 but I came back . Most teenagers don't know their butt from their elbow at that age and end up coming back .

[RainyCoast]

low functioning and frequent suicide attempts are perfectly valid admission criteria, we take people without an official diagnosis if their functional evaluation by the lmhc psychologist justifies it. psychiatric evaluation, occupational therapy and compliance to farmacological treatment after admission are non-negotiable though. that, as far as my area is concerned. you'd have to consult at whatever place he's headed for though. gradations of involvement with the program are possible depending on how much assistance he realistically requires, but the bottom line is he'd have a safety net.

 

i'd let him move if i was assured there was an agency aware of his situation and keeping and eye on things. I don't know who's best equipped for it in the states but you could ask at US Autism & Asperger Association.

[Unreasonable]

I don't believe I have any power to prevent him from leaving. The last time he threatened suicide we pursuaded him for voluntary hospitalization, and they let him out after two days. They had his full history too. His doctor didn't say anything to us and probably couldn't due to HIPPA. He's never attempted suicide, only threats. And all of this threats are very dramatic and out of the ordinary like setting himself on fire so i don't think he's taken seriously.

[RainyCoast]

you know him best-- do you think if he started to get worse he'd tell you? i can see why you're worried.

[Unreasonable]

Yes, I am concerned that he would be out on the streets and still not tell us.

[Wiseman2]

Do you know these friends? Agree the phone with making sure it's paid, is a great idea and as I mentioned above reassuring him the door's always open at home with a paid flight home. In other words he may want to go out on a limb, but at least he knows he can climb back to safety if needed.

Yes, I am concerned that he would be out on the streets and still not tell us.

[Unreasonable]

No, I don't know them. I certainly can reassure him he's welcome back if he needs.

[RainyCoast]

if you wanted to speak to them to thank them for their hospitality perhaps he'd put them on the phone with you? not to give them the full back up on his history, but simply to leave a number they can reach you at just in case it's ever needed.

 

i'm trying to understand- whether he'd be likely to deteriorate and not tell because he has hasn't insight into how bad it gets when it does...or whether for fear of criticisms, i-told-you-sos, fear of disappointing you, shame...

 

if the latter i'd sit him down and tell hom no matter how badly he screws up or fails ever in life i will treat him with respect and that i want to know how he is not to police him but to empower him and offer assistance if it gets too hard for him.

 

if the former, i could either

suggest to involve an agency with a more causal air to them (so that he isn't repelled by the "white coat" or "authority figure" aspect) to offer him a social network since he'll be new there and may want a back-up plan for if living with his friends doesn't work out, and that they can call you if he appears to be getting worse....or...

i could count on my parental intuition that i'll know when i hear him over the phone if he's in a weird place. and if he is i would drop by...for a visit...bringing homemade jam and spending a day outside...and if upon inspection he was halfway homeless and suicidal, i'd suggest to come home, at least until he feels better.

 

would it be an option that either you or him make a trip to see each other e.g. twice a month?

 

though. if he's going to be living at someone's house...if he threatens to set himself on fire at least you know they'll ask him to go back home or call someone if he doesn't calm down.

 

ditto on telling him he can come back any time if things don't work out.

 

if reassuring suggestions fail..you've done what you could and you can hope for the best. i do think he'd at some point decide it's better going back home than the streets. he probably has some idea of magnificent freedom now, but once he's faced with the accompanying responsibility, the parents' basement is going to sound like a sweet deal.