She's STILL at it...seriously?!

[Seymore]

So I had posted about my abusive ex showing up at my place last December (we broke up last Oct and I have been NC since), wanting to get back together. And she ALMOST had me. Thankfully I was able to tell her I needed time to think.

 

I sent her an email the next day saying that I would POSSIBLY be willing to talk in a year if she left me alone and cleaned up, and that I couldn't even guarantee that much.

 

Well she hasn't left me alone. In the past year, she has contacted my friends, relatives, even coworkers, shown up at my place to bother my neighbors late at night, she got a new job less than a mile from my house recently and now, TONIGHT, she contacted my best friend once again, saying that I said I would talk in one year and that's coming up this October (she gave a specific day too). I had to tell my friend how to block her.

 

I dreaded this would happen. I had a good last couple of days so I should have known this would happen. I had figured she'd just give up and move on when I said one year. Nope, she counted it to the day (almost). I am hoping that I can at least not even answer the door, and at most call the police. I'm just dreading this day now, although I was anticipating this would happen and that she would take the one year thing literally.

 

Just venting, I guess.

[thornz]

Seek a restraining order to get her out of your life and have some peace.

[Rising100]

Damn man, sounds like shes crazy about you.

Im gonna have to see what happened prior to this and why u dont wanna be with her.

[nihongo]

Tell her now (not in October) that it's over. You owe her that.

[Rising100]

Damn man, sounds like shes crazy about you.

Im gonna have to see what happened prior to this and why u dont wanna be with her.

.... Too many topics, couldnt really find the reason.

 

Well if u really dont wanna be with her then u dont.

But whats keeping you there?

[Ms Darcy]

I think leaving the door open may have exacerbated the problem.

[Seymore]

.... Too many topics, couldnt really find the reason.

 

Well if u really dont wanna be with her then u dont.

But whats keeping you there?

 

 

Yeah, it's pretty extensive, I know.

 

In as short as possible - she is an alcoholic whose problem has gotten us in many arguments, one of which ended in her physically assaulting me and another ended in me calling the police on her. She was a bonafide cheater in previous relationships, and I had some pretty solid evidence she had been cheating on me as well. Those were the biggest things - I have a list of about 35 other pretty important negatives that I've kept to remind me.

 

I think leaving the door open may have exacerbated the problem.

 

Back when I wrote that, I never would have thought she would actually follow through on it, and I even made sure she knew that talking after a year wasn't even a guarantee, so I figured she'd just move on. And you'd think that in the meantime if I had blocked her on everything and changed my number, she'd have gotten the picture that I'm fed up and done. I just really underestimated things.

[Chon]

I agree with the other poster of contacting her now and letting her know that it's completely over. You no longer want her in your life.

 

People deserve compassion.

 

The idea of waiting 1 Year doesn't seem that unusual when you see posters here still pining away after 6-18 months, and that's when they don't even have the suggestions of talking again in the future.

[Jibralta]

I sent her an email the next day saying that I would POSSIBLY be willing to talk in a year if she left me alone and cleaned up, and that I couldn't even guarantee that much.

 

Send her another email and say that you've changed your mind, you no longer wish to talk to her anymore. Period. Case closed.

[Seraphim]

Seymore,

 

Keep documenting her insane ass behaviour but I think it's time to get a restraining order. Absolutely do NOT tell anybody that you are going to do this because someone will leak it back to her .

[Hollyj]

Tell her now (not in October) that it's over. You owe her that.

 

Yes. And tell her you will seek a RO, if she does not disappear.

[Seymore]

I don't think I owe her anything at all. In the same e-mail saying there was a possibility we could talk in a year (and that was a year from December, not next month), I also said for her to NOT come back to my place and NOT contact me. She disregarded both of those numerous times. So I owe her nothing.

 

As far as e-mailing her, I'm very cautious about that. If I email her now, she's going to go into a frenzy and show up right away.

[Seraphim]

Absolutely do not mail her ever she is bat crap crazy. You are you are right that will only fuel her frenzy. And if you want to get a restraining order that will only show you as a participant if you do.

[Seymore]

Absolutely do not mail her ever she is bat crap crazy. You are you are right that will only fuel her frenzy. And if you want to get a restraining order that will only show you as a participant if you do.

 

Thanks Victoria - I didn't think of that part, that's true too. Although I think I screwed myself by leaving the possibility of talking open in that email from December - I just really thought there was a possibility she'd get her stuff together, but I seriously underestimated her crazy. I could try to get a restraining order and she could whip that out. Maybe I just have to grit my teeth and wait for that day, not answer the door when she knocks and call the police. My neighbor - who overlooks the entire lot and is home all day every day - has an eye out for her as well and will call me immediately if she sees something.

[Seraphim]

You are right you don't owe her anything. But don't let her get whiff of restraining order because as bat crap crazy as she is she could hurt herself say you did it and call the police. My brother's ex-wife said that after SHE had punched him in the face. Never underestimate these crazy bunny boilers.

[Seymore]

Bunny boiler?!? I've heard some funny ones but bunny boiler? That's new. I'd say your brother's situation is unbelievable but yeah, that doesn't sound too far off the mark.

[gypsybird87]

Bunny boiler is a reference to the movie Fatal Attraction, where the rejected woman boiled the man's family pet rabbit. Horrible. Hopefully your ex isn't that nuts, but if you have pets it wouldn't hurt to keep an extra close eye on them.

 

Putting a restraining order in place means she will get served with it. So IMO that's the best way to send your message of "we are done forever and I never want to see you again." I would do this preemptively- and quietly- now, before the October date comes around. When you apply for it, I would say what you said here: that you did originally tell her there might be hope in a year, but that was contingent on her keeping her distance, which she has not done. You describe the contact and how the crazy has escalated over the past year, particularly how she's moved to be closer to you. Then you say you've heard from a friend that she intends to confront you on October xx date, and you want preventative measures in place BEFORE that, because you fear for your safety once you reject her.

 

Keep it calm, rational, and uncomplicated. The powers-that-be don't care all that much about your prior drama with her. What interests them is the potential of future violence and anything that might cost them resources such as a call to 911. If you show a steady progression of escalating crazy, they will grant you the RO in order to prevent it from getting any worse.

 

Hopefully she will respect the order, and you will not hear from her again. But if you do, then your reaction is a no-brainer: you call the cops, and let them deal with her.

[Rising100]

While I love crazy women... This one sounds like she isnt worth it.

Why? Well she cheated and is an alcoholic who attacked you.

I can deal with crazy any day but those two are big turn offs.

 

Yea man, tell her is done, done. And get ready for crazy

[SkellyWoozle]

She clearly needs definite closure - you do owe her that. In October, tell her that it's over for good. End of. If she persists then move house or get a restraining order. She sounds keen, I'll give her that.

[boltnrun]

She clearly needs definite closure - you do owe her that. In October, tell her that it's over for good. End of. If she persists then move house or get a restraining order. She sounds keen, I'll give her that.

 

Disagree that he "owes" her closure. Her behavior negates him "owing" her anything.

 

And "keen"? More like obsessed and mentally ill.

[Seymore]

When I broke up with her in October, she nagged me and would not leave me alone despite me saying numerous times that we were done and she should move on. I finally blocked her everywhere a couple of weeks later.

 

Her best friend messaged me a month later with the "she needs closure" argument. I ignored that as well.

 

December she showed up in my building, uninvited, waiting for me to come home. She threw everything at ME - that I was the one who assaulted her and not the other way around, that all she did was love me, never cheated on me and claimed the proof that I had didn't exist so I made it all up. Furthermore, she played me to feel bad by saying that I never stood up for her to my father, which I did. But in turning everything around on me, she broke me down and almost got me to take her back that night - a manipulation tactic I read plenty about in recent months. She also claimed she'd possibly start drinking again if I didn't take her back in the next couple of days. I said I would think about it and the next morning after thinking about it, I wrote her an e-mail.

 

Yes, the email did leave the possibility of the future open (at the time I honestly thought she would work to change and had no idea of how ridiculous things would get in the coming months), but I also told her NOT to wait up and not to count on that because it was a very big maybe, and I told her I harbored way too much resentment, don't trust her at all, and that I put up with way too much crap and that it's too late for us to fix things. And again, I also asked her to never come back to my building, which she ignored. I thanked her for the memories and wished her luck. And while THAT may have been an open ended letter, I would think that not only by not responding to the dozen or so attempts she made to get to me since, but by changing my phone number and blocking her every possible way, would I have gotten the point across.

 

So despite that e-mail, I think she fully knows I'm done and HAS known, but just chooses to stomp all over boundaries as she's always done.

[Rising100]

Why does she want you so much?

Does she want a serious relationship? Even after cheating on you?

[Seymore]

Why does she want you so much?

Does she want a serious relationship? Even after cheating on you?

 

Who knows. I think partly because she's a spoiled brat who's always been able to charm people into liking her, partly because I said no finally and she always took no as a sign to get someone to say yes. Partly because I put up with her crap and partly because I was darn good to her and her kids. She knows she won't find another person like me.

[boltnrun]

I had an ex who wouldn't leave me alone. It wasn't because he was so gosh darned in love with me...it was because I'd dumped him and his ego could not stand it. He pursued me for years until I finally told him to leave me alone and blocked him. If I hadn't, I guess he'd still be at it.

[Seymore]

That's probably it - the ego. Same reason everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) had to like her. My dad didn't like her so she would nag me about it or try super hard and be totally pushy like she was trying to force him to like her, which put him off more. It was ridiculous.