Bachelor party and upset wife

[Snny]

She's been cheated on. That's why she doesn't trust men in general.

I have a family member who carried the same mindset into a marriage. Her husband got fed up and she is divorced. She allowed her spite to be passed onto her kids... And they no longer live with her.

 

This is pretty serious. Should of never married her.

[Snny]

She does need therapy but a "week-long bachelor party" and "my phone died" would piss me the f off if I was at home with a 2 month old and perhaps (I don't know) with postpartum depression.

If I trusted my husband, I would if wished him an awesome time and would have no problem if he didn't contact with me. I would make arrangements to be with my parents to help out. You don't contact your loved ones during a bachelor/bachelorette party unless there's a serious family emergency.

 

One night break for a pre-wedding party is no excuse to throw a tantrum. Jesus.

[Coldarmy13]

Rusty.

 

......she has insecurity issues and constantly thinks that all men are evil.

 

Your wife should really be seeking professional help for these issues. Otherwise situations like this will escalate. Constantly crying and upset........

 

This is true. After two years her previous baggage IE all men are evil/untrustworthy shouldn't really be there or I would hope they wouldn't be if you haven't given her any reason to mistrust you. My last ex was great in all respects except for a very similar issue from previous relationships. It wore me down after about 9 months I had to call it.

[j.man]

Why are you leaving her alone with a two-month old so that you can get away with the boys? I could understand if it were your friend's actual wedding, but bachelor parties are 100% elective when you've got a new baby to take care of.

 

Look, I'm with everyone else that she's got some big issues that need tackling, but you can do your part in not exacerbating it all.

[itsallgrand]

I agree with wiseman that all you can do right now is stay the course. I might even say, our family is the most important thing to me and I want us all to be happy and healthy. Is there something you need ( wife, partner) that I am not doing, because I am here and willing to make adjustments if what we are doing isn't working.

 

It's super clear she has mega trust issues but I don't think you'll make much head way on that in the near future. Right now she isn't even stable, possibly depressed and over whelmed with being a new mom, and the baby needs her. I wouldn't mind giving extra support, forgoing future multi day trips, until things are more settled.

 

Before a therapist, maybe a trip to her doctor ?

 

I hope you guys can work this out and get back to enjoying your little one as a family.

[abitbroken]

Why are you leaving her alone with a two-month old so that you can get away with the boys? I could understand if it were your friend's actual wedding, but bachelor parties are 100% elective when you've got a new baby to take care of.

 

Look, I'm with everyone else that she's got some big issues that need tackling, but you can do your part in not exacerbating it all.

 

Oh yes - an eight week old baby? I can see if the party was in your town and 4 hours long but if you are out of town for a whole week for it? that's a little selfish. Going to represent the two of you at a wedding of a close family member and she is not cleared to travel - or standing up in wedding - perhaps if its a really close family member or friend, but not for a week long bacchanal.

[dearJas]

Your wife needs to work on her insecurity issues, if this continues it will annoy you especially because your not doing anything wrong. I like my partner letting me know just before he's nodded off to sleep or if he is on holiday contacting me regularly just so I know he is safe not because I don't trust men. He forgets many times loooool but I trust him even though I get annoyed as it's a standard in our relationship I leave him be as the one time I did make a point of it, it pushed us further apart. That's exactly what your wife's insecurity will do to your relationship, it seems as if you really do respect her- she needs to learn to trust you.

 

You have to help her to see her insecurity without making her feel attacked- only you really know your wife and what to do; it might take a lot of effort but if the relationship is worth saving not only for the sake of your child- help her.

 

Every relationship is different- I can't bash you for going out if for a week if she allowed you to go. If she didn't, you should have stayed with her and the baby. She could be hormonal too

[Rusty181]

Just for the record. I went away for 4 days not an entire week. I called her and texted her everyday except on fri between 7pm-10 am the next day. I know i made a mistake but not calling or texting her during that Time and I have apologized numerous times. But waking up saturday morning to a text saying that "im the worst husband and father", then not answering me or sending pics of my baby for the remaining 2 days seems a little much. I admitted my mistakes of not calling. But she is now convinced that I did something wrong because it was out of character for me to not message her. Not sure how this will ever get resolved. Shes agreed to see a therapist but still believes im a shady / bad husband. Which is completely incorrect. The sad reality is that I have never and would never do anything to hurt her. Never cheated in any of my relationships in my entire life. But because I did not contact her all of that trust and her security blanket is gone and now she believes im a bad person. I love her and hope this somehow works itself out. I love my little family and wouldn't change anything in the world.

[Hermes]

Definitely very OTT Rusty. And rather childish behaviour IMO.

 

"........a text saying that "im the worst husband and father", then not answering me or sending pics of my baby for the remaining 2 days seems a little much".

 

I hope the therapist helps her to sort herself out. You can't live like this if everything is turned into a drama.

Also hope the therapist gets her to see that guilt-tripping you (or anyone) is not a good idea.

[Wiseman2]

Yes, it is but I think being home with a newborn made a bad situation worse and she is exaggerating everything.

waking up saturday morning to a text saying that "im the worst husband and father", then not answering me or sending pics of my baby for the remaining 2 days seems a little much

[Usa1ah]

Hey Rusty, I have read your wife's post on another site. The way she is thinking might be from some of the advice she is receiving there.

 

Also, Rusty went to the bachelor party, his wife is going to the bachelorette party in a few weeks and Rusty gets to stay home.

 

I might have missed it but I do not think she has mentioned being cheated on in the past and has said she does not thing you did.

 

She is pissed about it never the less. Good luck and I hope everything turn out well, it sounds like you both love each other very much.

[Wiseman2]

What is the advice she's getting?

Hey Rusty, I have read your wife's post on another site. The way she is thinking might be from some of the advice she is receiving there

[abitbroken]

Hey Rusty, I have read your wife's post on another site. The way she is thinking might be from some of the advice she is receiving there.

 

Also, Rusty went to the bachelor party, his wife is going to the bachelorette party in a few weeks and Rusty gets to stay home.

 

I might have missed it but I do not think she has mentioned being cheated on in the past and has said she does not thing you did.

 

She is pissed about it never the less. Good luck and I hope everything turn out well, it sounds like you both love each other very much.

 

How do you know its his wife?

[Usa1ah]

Same story but from her point of view. Sounds like she really loves her husband.

 

Some are saying he cheated is why he never called.

[Snny]

Oh yes - an eight week old baby? I can see if the party was in your town and 4 hours long but if you are out of town for a whole week for it? that's a little selfish.

I have to agree with abitbroken on this. Raising an newborn is a ton of work for one parent alone. Taking off for 4 days is an excessive arrangement to place on a couple with a new baby. In her eyes, she may see it as you going off to have fun/taking a break from parenting while she has to do 10x the work.

 

Just for the record. I went away for 4 days not an entire week.

Eh... this changes everything. One night to celebrate is one thing... but leaving your wife with a two month old baby alone is not cool. That is unless she is ok with it and is willing to make other arrangements to help her with the baby. I am not a parent, but I have seen co-workers who were new parents drag their feet to work in the morning because their baby got them up at 3 in the morning and they couldn't go back to sleep. Yea... not a fun weekend to have when your husband is out partying for the entire time.

 

I know i made a mistake but not calling or texting her during that Time and I have apologized numerous times. But waking up saturday morning to a text saying that "im the worst husband and father", then not answering me or sending pics of my baby for the remaining 2 days seems a little much.

The text was way over the line, but you do REALLY need a baby picture sent to you everyday? That's a bit demanding and excessive. Can't you wait to see the baby when you get home? I sincerely hope you didn't throw that argument at her.

 

But she is now convinced that I did something wrong because it was out of character for me to not message her. Not sure how this will ever get resolved.

You were at a F'ING Bachelor Party! How often do you go to these? This has nothing to do with character- you were at a rare occasion and having a good time without violating your marriage. She needs to freaking chill.

 

Shes agreed to see a therapist but still believes im a shady / bad husband.

Then I'm sorry to say this... therapy isn't going to work. The only way she will change her behavior and mindset is if SHE wants to. Instead of seeing therapy as a way to help her improve her relationship, she sees it as a chore and to get you to shut up. She will most likely end up resenting you.

 

Either therapy works... or you may have to consider divorce. Her attitude is very unhealthy for a marriage.

[Snny]

Same story but from her point of view. Sounds like she really loves her husband.

 

Some are saying he cheated is why he never called.

Can you post the link please?

[abitbroken]

Same story but from her point of view. Sounds like she really loves her husband.

 

Some are saying he cheated is why he never called.

 

The scenario of husband going to a bachelor party and wife at home with kids is not a unique scenario.

[Snny]

Maybe.. maybe not... but with the link posted, the OP can check online browser history to determine if it's really his wife who made the thread.

[youareworthy]

Thank you, Wiseman2. She can be helped. She needs healing from the previous hurts. Been there, done that.

 

Youareworthy

[Usa1ah]

The detail are the same down to the pics if their child.

[Usa1ah]

Her thread is on TAM. Husband at bachelor party

[youareworthy]

Hi y'all.

 

I read her thread on the site Usa1ah recommended. It is absolutely the same couple. Every tiny detail of their stories is the same. She now feels that his forgetting to call her triggered a PTSD response within her. Through the good advice she got on the forum, she has decided to return to counseling to deal more thoroughly with the wounds from two previous fiances who both cheated on her.

 

She and our OP appear to have restored the former joy and communication in their marriage, and she has scheduled an appointment to see her therapist.

 

So it seems they have made positive strides as a result of this challenging situation. Inspiring work, OP and OP's wife!

 

Youareworthy