Was breaking up the right decision?

[Itchy]

 

PS. It's not a wedding she's searching for. It's a married life.

 

Which probably isn't that much different than if two people didn't marry but remained in a relationship, but each to their own.

[Hermes]

I had no interest in getting married, that's a fact. And I'd go on about it to anyone who would listen. I was happy with my lifestyle, my work, friends, social life, travel.

 

And yes, one fine day, it happened, and.....after two years of knowing each other we got married. None more surprised than my family and friends lol.

It was a quiet affair, I made it abundantly clear it was not going to be a "show". It was about BOTH of us, not just me. As Ms. Darcy points out. It isn't the wedding, it's a married life.

 

 

I also understand those who swear against marriage. Everyone is entitled to his or her choice. Nothing wrong with either IMO.

[RoonilWazlib87]

I'm speaking from my own experience, I know of a lot people who have married and ended up getting divorced, so when I say a lot I should clarify that I am speaking from my own personal experience, I'll make that clearer next time.

 

I find marriage oppressive because it is essentially the government along with organised religion controlling men and the entire "big day" is all about the woman. It's not their day, it's her day. The dress, the cake, the decorations, everything is centred around the bride while the groom is essentially a prop. Every wedding I have been to the focus was always on the woman, but I'll digress, I don't want to derail the thread here with my own unimportant utterings.

 

I never said all women were pushing marriage, there are women who have no interest in getting married and they are my type of women but I do find it odd to be setting cast iron stones for the future when nobody knows what's happening tomorrow, never mind in five years time. Furthermore this entire conversation should have taken place before they even got together. He and her would have saved themselves this situation and two years of wasted time.

 

So first of all, I take no part in organized religion. So there's that. Second of all, I give 0 craps about "the wedding day" or an engagement ring. Third of all, I rely on no one for my existence: I have a college education, a career, a house (which *I* bought), a paid-off car, I've traveled oversees solo, and my master's degree is almost completed. I don't need a man to live my life. I want to share my life with a partner. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. And we DID have this conversation before we started dating. If someone told me that they didn't want to take this path in life, I would never date them! So while you are entitled to your opinions, please do not make generalizations about me, my life, or my choices. If his ONLY hangup was marriage itself (i.e. he didn't believe in the constitution of marriage), that would be fine. What I want is a future with someone. Of course no one knows what will happen. People get divorced all the time and no one knows if it's going to happen ahead of time. Part of life is taking risks, and sometimes those risks are on other people.

[Ms Darcy]

... I give 0 craps about "the wedding day" or an engagement ring. Third of all, I rely on no one for my existence: I have a college education, a career, a house (which *I* bought), a paid-off car, I've traveled oversees solo, and my master's degree is almost completed. I don't need a man to live my life. I want to share my life with a partner. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. And we DID have this conversation before we started dating. If someone told me that they didn't want to take this path in life, I would never date them! So while you are entitled to your opinions, please do not make generalizations about me, my life, or my choices. If his ONLY hangup was marriage itself (i.e. he didn't believe in the constitution of marriage), that would be fine. What I want is a future with someone. Of course no one knows what will happen. People get divorced all the time and no one knows if it's going to happen ahead of time. Part of life is taking risks, and sometimes those risks are on other people.

 

You go girl. You say this to yourself whenever you start to question your decision!

[SooSad33]

So.. it was almost 2 years....

 

Is there a reason YOU feel there must be Marriage involved for YOU to feel this relationship is worth it?

 

My uncle loved & lived with my aunt for many years before they married. Didnt mean the relationship meant less.

[Itchy]

So first of all, I take no part in organized religion. So there's that. Second of all, I give 0 craps about "the wedding day" or an engagement ring. Third of all, I rely on no one for my existence: I have a college education, a career, a house (which *I* bought), a paid-off car, I've traveled oversees solo, and my master's degree is almost completed. I don't need a man to live my life. I want to share my life with a partner. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. And we DID have this conversation before we started dating. If someone told me that they didn't want to take this path in life, I would never date them! So while you are entitled to your opinions, please do not make generalizations about me, my life, or my choices. If his ONLY hangup was marriage itself (i.e. he didn't believe in the constitution of marriage), that would be fine. What I want is a future with someone. Of course no one knows what will happen. People get divorced all the time and no one knows if it's going to happen ahead of time. Part of life is taking risks, and sometimes those risks are on other people.

 

 

I'm a little stumped here, so perhaps you can elaborate further for me if you may? You stated you had this discussion about marriage to prior to entering the relationship and yet you knew the answer from the get go. So if you knew that he didn't want to get married why did you enter a relationship with him in the first place? Did you hope that you could change his mind? You break up with him and then you state that if his only hang up was marriage itself you would have been fine, well you broke up with him because he didn't want marriage, you seem to be saying one thing in one post and something entirely different in another post.

[Jibralta]

I don't understand why you are haranguing the OP. I think she was pretty clear.

[Itchy]

I don't understand why you are haranguing the OP. I think she was pretty clear.

 

I'm not, or at least I don't mean to be. I just find women irrational and contradictory, but I shall digress.

[Clio]

I'm not, or at least I don't mean to be. I just find women irrational and contradictory, but I shall digress.

 

The OP did not state anything about him saying that he was against marriage in general at the get go. The way I read it, he probably left it open at the beginning. Regardless, have you ever had a long term relationship? Have you actually been to that guy's shoes? Based on something you wrote on another post it seems to me that your opinions on long term relationships may be purely theoretical. This is not bad per se, but if the case, your lack of experience does impact on your opinion.

[Itchy]

The OP did not state anything about him saying that he was against marriage in general at the get go. The way I read it, he probably left it open at the beginning. Regardless, have you ever had a long term relationship? Have you actually been to that guy's shoes? Based on something you wrote on another post it seems to me that your opinions on long term relationships may be purely theoretical. This is not bad per se, but if the case, your lack of experience does impact on your opinion.

 

I have experienced one long-term relationship many moons ago, so yes I do lack experience, but then I lack experience in many fields, does that mean I should not have an opinion? I have seen a number of people get married and a part from a few marriages that have lasted most of them have ended in a divorce meanwhile an old school friends parents have been together for around forty years and have never married. They own a house together, they have two children together and their relationship has lasted longer than the average lifespan of a marriage in my country. Four years. What annoys me the most is not that people believe in marriage, or want marriage, it's that they try and put down relationships were marriage is not the cards as being "less important", "not as meaningful" and I'm sorry that's completely ridiculous.

 

If somebody wants marriage that's fine, I'm not suggesting it isn't but for someone to say their relationship is meaningless without marriage is ridiculous and to be making cast iron plans not even two years into a relationship is also ridiculous in my opinion. People should plan only for the medium-term and should adjust their plans accordingly because life isn't static, things happens, situations change and it sometimes calls for adjustments to be made. Now do I need to be in a twenty year marriage to understand such basic concepts? I think not.

[catfeeder]

Given that we never get any time back again for do-overs, it only makes sense that a woman at her peak in childbearing years would need clarity about where she stands--and where her partner stands--on marriage IF your vision for yourself also includes children.

 

Whether or not to have children is a uniquely private matter for each individual before it can be a matter to consider as a couple. Unless you've completely ruled out children for yourself, it makes no sense to invest years in someone only to discover that you're not of like minds and never will be on the matter.

 

So it's helpful to consider this question: if you knew that BF would never offer you anything more than what he gives today--no less, but no more--would you stay or would you go?

 

If the answer is stay, then your private goals are off the table, and that has its own set of consequences. If the answer is go, then the next question becomes 'when'?

 

Staying with someone who doesn't share your goals will never become easier, only harder, as you've noticed. Breaking up with such a partner will never get easier, either.

 

So the choice to break now in order to grieve the loss and heal is the only way to give yourself the opportunity to pursue your private goals. Otherwise, you'll only keep building anxiety, and eventually resentment, for what you are missing in your life that is of value to you.

 

If you want to ensure that you've covered all your bases with this guy, you can tell him that if he ever changes his mind about marriage with you in the future, he can contact you, and if you're still available, you can meet to catch up.

 

While this can free you to trust that this choice now rests out of your own hands, which offers you the peace of closure, it also leaves room for the idea that should this guy ever contact you someday, you'll have grown your way to a different vantage point from which to view him. You could decide that someone who has held his degree of doubt after 2 years with you isn't a good match for you, anyway. But at least telling him this holds the door open for an opportunity to revisit the question, so you can relax about not having slammed that door shut.

 

Clarifying any change to this outcomes as HIS decision can help you move on. It removes your need to fight with yourself about it, because honestly, if your vision of your future includes marriage and children, it makes NO sense to keep yourself invested in anyone who does not share that vision.

 

Head high.

[Clio]

What annoys me the most is not that people believe in marriage, or want marriage, it's that they try and put down relationships were marriage is not the cards as being "less important", "not as meaningful" and I'm sorry that's completely ridiculous.

 

Yet, you are doing exactly the same, only taking the opposite side...

[Itchy]

Yet, you are doing exactly the same, only taking the opposite side...

 

I beg to differ, I haven't put down anyone's marriage, if marriage works for people that's fantastic.

[sophie274]

I'm late chiming in, and you've gotten great advice already, but I agree with those who said that if marriage is important to you, then you absolutely made the right decision. Your ex-boyfriend was (mercifully!) very clear that marriage is not in your future, and while it is terribly painful now, I think that by breaking up with him, you are saving yourself from unhappiness and disappointment down the road. I have seen friends and posters on this board grow miserable and resentful in relationships because they want marriage and their partner does not.

 

For my bit of unsolicited advice, I will add that the sooner you are not in contact with him, the sooner you will start to heal and feel better. I understand the urge to keep in touch or be friendly, but doing so will make it very hard for you to grieve and move on. Lean on your friends and family for support, and call one of them if something breaks around the house.

 

By the way, great username