Is monogamy realistic anymore?

tina-rocks · May 18, 2016

I was married for 17 years and stayed faithful, my former husband however didn't and our marriage ended with him going off with the woman he had been cheating on me with.

Sounds a depressing state and should surely put me off having faith in relationships again right? Nope......

I went on to make another big mistake and this one was abusive..... That's enough to put me of. I mean it has to right? No way!

I believe in Manogamy and for me it is the only way to be in a relationship, where the two people show their love for each other and the thought of having that intimacy with more than one, is literally more than I can even fathom. I know there are people who live by the rules of open relationship, or multi dating and from my experience of how their relationships work, they are at best disfunctional. They seem to end up with trust issues and start wondering if the other is seeing more people, then they disclose. Ironic in an open relationship.

I'm not saying that all who enter into an open relationship will be like that, just dealings with people, I have experienced.

Love comes in many forms and there isn't any such thing as a perfect relationship and in some cases, only a beautiful disaster, but we learn through them and each experience we have helps us to develop a better understanding of what we want and don't want and how to account for our own behaviour, within the relationship.

There are still an awful lot of us, who believe in monogomy and it shows with the other posts. Yippee!

Cope · May 18, 2016

I too have lost hope for monogamy. It seems as if everyone i know has been unfaithful. I still can't believe some couples that claim they have never cheated. It has to do with how i was raised. My mother always told me about how my Dad was a cheater and that men are only after sex etc. Bad marriage, growing up i actually justified my Dad's cheating. He didn't know better, divorce was off the table. I even asked him why doesn't he get a divorce when i was 13. Divorce was and still is a bit frowned upon where i am at.

As a young adult i got involved with a group of people that were all cheaters. I then of course got into a mentally abusive and cheating relationship. After that, totally healed, my next one cheated on me twice and i accepted him back both times. I had almost convinced myself that at some point your partner will cheat on you. I have cheated too. Broke up the next day, but still. I have often wished i was raised to believe in open relationships, i would have avoided so much pain. It is only lately that i have started to really work on this.

My conclusion? I am not sure if i believe in monogamy completely yet. I want monogamy in a relationship although i can't say that i will have it in 10+ years time. I hate that i almost get into a relationship with a "loosing" attitude. I hope i can find a solution to this. This is one thing i want to work on now that i am single.

superfan · May 18, 2016

Totally possible. Been married almost 7 years, with my husband almost 9. Neither one of us would ever think of cheating. I trust that 100% if nothing else.

Fudgie · May 18, 2016

I too have lost hope for monogamy. It seems as if everyone i know has been unfaithful. I still can't believe some couples that claim they have never cheated. It has to do with how i was raised. My mother always told me about how my Dad was a cheater and that men are only after sex etc. Bad marriage, growing up i actually justified my Dad's cheating. He didn't know better, divorce was off the table. I even asked him why doesn't he get a divorce when i was 13. Divorce was and still is a bit frowned upon where i am at.

As a young adult i got involved with a group of people that were all cheaters. I then of course got into a mentally abusive and cheating relationship. After that, totally healed, my next one cheated on me twice and i accepted him back both times. I had almost convinced myself that at some point your partner will cheat on you. I have cheated too. Broke up the next day, but still. I have often wished i was raised to believe in open relationships, i would have avoided so much pain. It is only lately that i have started to really work on this.

My conclusion? I am not sure if i believe in monogamy completely yet. I want monogamy in a relationship although i can't say that i will have it in 10+ years time. I hate that i almost get into a relationship with a "loosing" attitude. I hope i can find a solution to this. This is one thing i want to work on now that i am single.

You remind me a little bit of someone I know. She is always quick to proclaim "men always cheat" and "men are only after sex". I have no idea if she has been cheated on (it's very possible) but I do know that she cheated in her marriage and ended up divorcing over it (her admission). She dates guys who are self-admitted cheaters, both past and present. Why? Because that's what she expects.

I definitely believe that your mindset towards men (or whatever sex you're attracted to) affects who you end up with. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think men are dogs, then you will come to expect dog-like behavior, and you will get dogs.

I do know that there are dogs out there - have come into contact with many. I just don't tolerate that nonsense and will (and have) toss someone away if I even SUSPECT a sex-driven person or someone who is a partier and craves lots of attention from the opposite sex.

superfan · May 18, 2016

You remind me a little bit of someone I know. She is always quick to proclaim "men always cheat" and "men are only after sex". I have no idea if she has been cheated on (it's very possible) but I do know that she cheated in her marriage and ended up divorcing over it (her admission). She dates guys who are self-admitted cheaters, both past and present. Why? Because that's what she expects.

I definitely believe that your mindset towards men (or whatever sex you're attracted to) affects who you end up with. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think men are dogs, then you will come to expect dog-like behavior, and you will get dogs.

I do know that there are dogs out there - have come into contact with many. I just don't tolerate that nonsense and will (and have) toss someone away if I even SUSPECT a sex-driven person or someone who is a partier and craves lots of attention from the opposite sex.

Exactly. You attract what you think you deserve. If you tell yourself that men are scum then that is what you will get - likewise with women.

If you tell yourself that there are good and bad people out there but that YOU deserve someone who will treat you with respect you will get it - provided you aren't afraid to toss the toxic people you meet to the curb.

Seraphim · May 18, 2016

Thanks guys. I gotta stop reading crap on the internet. You gave me a bit of hope there.

You know there is a reason I don't read blogs and most forums especially medical ones and such because it will scare the ass off you. The Internet is a good place and a bad place. And if it scares you that means it's time not to look. Often we see good all the time if we look around at real life and not at the Internet.

Lester · May 18, 2016

"but today I came across a comment someone had made about", [Fill in the Blank], "being outdated. It made my heart sink."

- Beware of corrupt reasoning.

If you need to worry about something:

Akfranklin2014 · May 19, 2016

Monogamy seems to be something people view as optional in a relationship. And I agree that cheating is a cop out. It's much easier to sleep with someone else or emotionally cheat on someone than it is to face the person and tell them your heart isn't in it or you want out.

I've only had one relationship where I wasn't cheated on. Ultimately it leaves you thinking "What am I doing wrong?" It can really tear away at your self esteem and make you not want to try again. It can leave you questioning everything.

There are people who believe in monogamy. My first husband (the only relationship that didn't involve cheating) has been in a great relationship since ours ended. While it wasn't any one person's fault, I can only say he must have fixed his own issues and is much better for it.

A healthy long term relationship is something I strive for and hope to have. My mom was a single mother but had help in the man I called my father. They were together 25 years even though they never married. If I can find someone to spend my life with and our relationship lasts 25 years I would consider that a success.

In the short, keep your head up and don't let it get you down to the point that you stop trying. Even after all the heartache I've experienced I'm still trying, whether I'm just naive or persistent.

Lester · May 20, 2016

Hope, Ak, is a gift and persistence it's tool.

The fact you have it means more gifts are in store.

You will get what you desire by knowing what you want, being able to recognize it when it's in front of you and prayer.

Someday_Soon · May 20, 2016

I haven't read many replies so I may be repeating some stuff people already said, but bottom line is yes, monogamy is realistic now and will be for a long, long time IMO.

One reason it is not practiced as much today, is that the dynamics of life has changed compared to pre-20th century. You used to have to have a family in order to increase your chances for survival. You needed farm hands, maids and cooks. It was not strange to see families with eight children or more. Now, if you need food you just run down the grocery store and buy as much as you can handle. If your home needs a repair you find someone online and call them. If your car needs work you drop it off at the mechanic. The economy provides what the family used to.

So, some aspects of the economy and of society have changed to the point where people are no longer forced to partner up and eek out a survival. Therefore there's less monogamy out of need. But, it's still the most desirable choice for many people, and its not going away anytime soon!

medee89 · May 20, 2016

I would totally agree with that many people live for cheating and not being faithful in a relationship. To me it's wrong and very hurtful and it's making things more difficult for people out there who are trustworthy and not about sharing partners in a committed relationship. I hope myself someday find someone that is all about having a serious relationship and spending the rest of their life with me as well

Cope · May 20, 2016

I definitely believe that your mindset towards men (or whatever sex you're attracted to) affects who you end up with. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think men are dogs, then you will come to expect dog-like behavior, and you will get dogs.

Thanks for this.

I do not think men are dogs or that every single one of them cheats. It's goes deeper. It's something i think i have been taught. I am not one of those people that go "OH ALL MEN CHEAT" "ALL MEN ARE PIGS", nope. It's more like something that was "brainwashed" on me. This is VERY hard to get rid of, i recently started therapy due to this. It works subconsciously.

I have no idea if i have attracted cheaters due to this working in the background, could might as well be so. I can say for sure that i have put up with cheaters , starting with friends and building up to relationships, cause i started to lose hope and saw it as the norm.

I do know that there are dogs out there - have come into contact with many. I just don't tolerate that nonsense and will (and have) toss someone away if I even SUSPECT a sex-driven person or someone who is a partier and craves lots of attention from the opposite sex.

This is the tricky part. As far as i've experienced, cheaters come in all forms. Sure, it's easy to spot a sleazy guy with permanent "wandering eyes", but there are people out there who you would NEVER suspect as a cheater. Also, bad side of this is that because i was cheated on by "a nice guy", i was SUPER cautious with my recent ex. I did rush into the relationship, but still i had my guards up really high. Checking to see if he was honest, not letting myself just go with the feeling etc..Stuff i deeply regret now. Sure it sounds reasonable to "check" on your partner in the beginning to see if they do as they say and in general if they are trustworthy, but i was so afraid that i never knew when to stop. I am not talking about jealousy scenes or anything, nor snooping etc. Just that need of second guessing his motives and double checking his actions.

This is why i am going to therapy and have decided to remain single for a good amount of time.

Exactly. You attract what you think you deserve. If you tell yourself that men are scum then that is what you will get - likewise with women.

If you tell yourself that there are good and bad people out there but that YOU deserve someone who will treat you with respect you will get it - provided you aren't afraid to toss the toxic people you meet to the curb.

You are right, this is textbook. If you think you are crap, you attract the flies. I think i am awesome. Honestly, my self confidence is pretty high. The reason i forgave my previous ex BF on the cheating had nothing to do with my self respect (i dug deep on that). As i tried to explain above, it's more like something i was taught that happens, the world spins around it's own axis, dogs hate cats , oh and men cheat.

It's only recently i figure out that dogs actually want to play with cats, it's the cats that are initially afraid of them due to size and the fighting starts. The world still does spin on it's own axis though. Yes, some men cheat, but not all. I know this, i just haven't found so many couples that can prove it. I am actively searching for real life couples who have never cheated on their SO. I am starting to avoid even acquaintances that consider cheating the norm. I'll see how that goes.

Just to clarify, yes i know women cheat too, this is just my problem, knowing that women cheat too, doesn't help at all.

Thanks for your responses, they are really helpful!

Lester · May 20, 2016

I hope myself someday find someone that is all about having a serious relationship and spending the rest of their life with me as well

You will and today is a good day to start.

Some how to:

1. Control your eyes! Your eyes train your psyche!

The promise-keepers and non-committals are all around you. A corrupt psyche can't tell the difference.

Start by avoiding tvs shows that push only the superficial. Mute commercials and look away, and don't let your eyes/mouse wander when surfing.

2. When he's says Hi, smile and say Hi back! He'll talk..., engage by listening very carefully. This will flatter the NC and he'll will tell you who he is. But you must be listening!

The PK will too but don't expect him to be as forward. Just like you, he's also scared. Listen for his history of love and commitment.

Ms Darcy · May 21, 2016

I feel the same way. I remember when my most recent ex would tell me about her FWBs during her marriage or between relationships and I would just think to myself "How could someone live in a way where that's all there is?" There's no TRUE emotional connection, just an emptiness or if not, a passing connection, nothing lasting.

I genuinely mean no offense, but this is a very strange question coming from you. I mean, you decided to start dating a married woman before she was divorced and now you are wondering whether OTHER people value marriage and fidelity? Do you really value marriage and fidelity if your actions didn't match your words?

Seymore · May 22, 2016

I genuinely mean no offense, but this is a very strange question coming from you. I mean, you decided to start dating a married woman before she was divorced and now you are wondering whether OTHER people value marriage and fidelity? Do you really value marriage and fidelity if your actions didn't match your words?

Yes I do, and that comment really, really hurt. You may have meant no offense but it's difficult take that any other way.

You act like I went running and chasing after a married woman. That was not a person I wanted to be. I did tell her no, but I had weak boundaries and I failed and made the wrong choice. I made a mistake. A terrible, terrible mistake and if I could go back I would never have done that because of all the damage it's caused, so if anything I have even more of an appreciation for it now.

I've felt incredibly guilty about it since it started and have been in therapy over it so I don't know how many times I have to admit to my remorse.

Lester · May 23, 2016

It's good to lay everything out there Seymore.

Maybe this isn't about the non-committal herd and more about your Dad?

Ms Darcy · May 23, 2016

Yes I do, and that comment really, really hurt. You may have meant no offense but it's difficult take that any other way.

You act like I went running and chasing after a married woman. That was not a person I wanted to be. I did tell her no, but I had weak boundaries and I failed and made the wrong choice. I made a mistake. A terrible, terrible mistake and if I could go back I would never have done that because of all the damage it's caused, so if anything I have even more of an appreciation for it now.

I've felt incredibly guilty about it since it started and have been in therapy over it so I don't know how many times I have to admit to my remorse.

I understand that. I'm not perfect; no one is. Context is everything and that consideration seemed like a big gaping hole in this conversation.

I recall you said in your first post, "But time and time again, it seems like the people around me and relationships I've been in have been a huge letdown." And then you listed some examples. I think perhaps given your own situation you can recognize that what you see may seem one way but you really don't know enough about what happened in the relationship and within each of those people to generalize negatively about relationships. I think there are plenty of good relationships that are out there and plenty of people who do cheat who hold the same values for fidelity but things and feelings do change over time and circumstance.

Do you see what I mean? It's about finding someone who's where you are on your journey.

Lucia Amman · May 24, 2016

Sorry, i didnt read all the comments.

I still believe in monogamy even though I don't believe it is necessarily something for me 100%. Lots of my friends are 100% monogamous and still searching for the 'right one' and some have already found him/her. You don't have to believe in soul mates to start a monogamous relationship either. My best friend doesn't believe in a soulmate and admits she doesn't have a perfect relationship but she is 101% committed to her SO and i believe she will stay with him forever. For her the relationship is perfect. I think it's beautiful how fully rational she stands with her choice.

For me being monogamous is fluid. I've had points in my life where I believed I could be and stay fully monogamous. I was perfectly happy within my relationship and never looked for other men. I had zero interests.

After that relationship i was completely done with monogamy. I felt betrayed by monogamy: trapping me in relationship that turned loveless and harmful for both of us. I enjoyed being single and having meaningful contacts with others who felt the same. Until I accidentally found my new boyfriend. I've chosen a monogamous relationship with him although it didn't started like that. I was upfront with him for not wanting a monogamous relationship but soon found it was rather egoistic to force this upon him while he was not at all ready for an open relationship. For me being monogamous now doesn't mean i feel I'm a monogamist. My boyfriend has been cheated on in the past so when we first started I was upfront and said I had cheated too. I didn't want him to hold it against me later for - I don't want past drama's in our relationship. He was ok with it and told me he knew I wouldn't suddenly cheat on him. By choosing to be monogamous and be fully aware of my nature means I'm also fully aware where my downfalls are and how to not give in. By choosing I gave myself full control. And that is key I think to any monogamous relationship. It has to be a choice. There always be seductions and hidden desires around the corner. No one is made for being monogamous for 40 or more years (that's what I've read in sciency books). But as humans we have a choice. Will I stay on this path of monogamy? I don't know. I let my boyfriend decide. And although I'm committed to stay in this relationship forever we never know what will happen and if it will end I'm probably going to be a polyamorist again. But for now my choice is with my boyfriend.

Itchy · May 24, 2016

I think it's realistic for some people but not most people.

Humans are not naturally monogamous, we are animals and a vast majority of animals are not monogamous. Polygamy is actually an older ideal than monogamy and it was very common for a man to have multiple wives in the days of ancient Israelite and other Middle-Eastern cultures. The family unit used to consist of one man, several women and lots of children, a far cry from the nuclear family ideals of present day.

Within Christianity, marriage only became rite in the 12th century, Jesus Christ and many of his disciples denounced the institution of marriage and encouraged celibacy and to this day not every single Christian denomination upholds the institute of marriage as being sacred. It was Pagan Greek and Roman cultures that placed grave importance on marriage as we know it today and by the 16th century it had become an important aspect of the Christian faith. I would argue that Monogamy is a social construct designed to control people where as polygamy is more natural, even a common house hold cat practices polygamy, if it isn't neutered.

The institution of marriage apparently gained traction from the 12th century to the 16th century due to the sheer numbers of people becoming sick and infected, doctors at the time attributed this to polygamy and marriage was seen as a means to control the spread of illnesses and infections.

What we see in society today is a society where religion has lost its control over much of the populace in many countries. People aren't forced to lead a secret life behind closed doors due to stigma placed on them by religious values. My opinion is that a lot of people are naturally polygamous, hence the one night stands, the friends with benefits construct, the sex on the first date, the open relationships and marriages, the infidelity and the popularity of pornography. Not every person is polygamous, for instance I am not, whether that's because I have been socially conditioned to be this way or I am naturally monogamous, I don't know but I think a lot of people who aren't naturally monogamous feel pressurised by societal values that upholds monogamy as being the right choice, the only choice and I think those men and women then feel the need to lock themselves inside a monogamous relationship/marriage which goes against their nature and this where the problems occur. I would argue that somebody who is not monogamous cannot ever be truly content in a monogamous relationship, no matter how much they love their partner. The world would be a happier place if more people were open minded to different perspectives and if a majority of human beings were honest with themselves.

Lester · May 24, 2016

Say it three times, it must be true. ^

itsallgrand · May 24, 2016

I would argue that fidelity is more realistic than infidelity, because it takes into account the long view. And monogamy, is possible and attainable for those who truly want it and are willing to make the choices that lead to it. That doesn't mean there can't be surprises and heartbreak along the way, but that's true for anyone who chooses intimacy with another human being.

Don't lose hope- of course those who do not value what you value are not going to see the point of it, y'know?! But lots of others are more aligned like you.

Lucia Amman · May 24, 2016

I think it's realistic for some people but not most people.

Humans are not naturally monogamous, we are animals and a vast majority of animals are not monogamous. Polygamy is actually an older ideal than monogamy and it was very common for a man to have multiple wives in the days of ancient Israelite and other Middle-Eastern cultures. The family unit used to consist of one man, several women and lots of children, a far cry from the nuclear family ideals of present day.

Within Christianity, marriage only became rite in the 12th century, Jesus Christ and many of his disciples denounced the institution of marriage and encouraged celibacy and to this day not every single Christian denomination upholds the institute of marriage as being sacred. It was Pagan Greek and Roman cultures that placed grave importance on marriage as we know it today and by the 16th century it had become an important aspect of the Christian faith. I would argue that Monogamy is a social construct designed to control people where as polygamy is more natural, even a common house hold cat practices polygamy, if it isn't neutered.

The institution of marriage apparently gained traction from the 12th century to the 16th century due to the sheer numbers of people becoming sick and infected, doctors at the time attributed this to polygamy and marriage was seen as a means to control the spread of illnesses and infections.

What we see in society today is a society where religion has lost its control over much of the populace in many countries. People aren't forced to lead a secret life behind closed doors due to stigma placed on them by religious values. My opinion is that a lot of people are naturally polygamous, hence the one night stands, the friends with benefits construct, the sex on the first date, the open relationships and marriages, the infidelity and the popularity of pornography. Not every person is polygamous, for instance I am not, whether that's because I have been socially conditioned to be this way or I am naturally monogamous, I don't know but I think a lot of people who aren't naturally monogamous feel pressurised by societal values that upholds monogamy as being the right choice, the only choice and I think those men and women then feel the need to lock themselves inside a monogamous relationship/marriage which goes against their nature and this where the problems occur. I would argue that somebody who is not monogamous cannot ever be truly content in a monogamous relationship, no matter how much they love their partner. The world would be a happier place if more people were open minded to different perspectives and if a majority of human beings were honest with themselves.

You should read The Science of Love by Robin Dunbar. It's an easy read about why (he thinks) humans went monogamous and it has examples of why some animals are monogamous. What's the biological benefit of staying monogamous for a man if he can have more children if he just hops from female to female? I was surprised by this view on monogamy and polygamy.

Hermes · May 24, 2016

I agree with you Itchy. Monogamy is indeed a modern construct.

Conjugal felicity didn't used to be so conflicted, argues Alain de Botton in his new book How to Think More About Sex. Before the bourgeoisie introduced the idea of love-based marriage in the 18th century, he argues: "Couples got married because they had both reached the proper age, found they could stand the sight of each other, were keen not to offend both sets of parents and their neighbours, had a few assets to protect and wished to raise a family."

The new love-based conception of conjugal felicity, involving being physically aroused by the other's appearance, wanting to read poetry to each other by moonlight and yearning for two souls to fuse into one, changed all that.

IMO monogamy is adhered to (I am referring to married state) because there is only a very small percentage of men in the world wealthy enough to keep more than one household, more than one group of children.

And:

"...family relationships professor Roger Rubin reports that only 43 of 238 societies across the world are monogamous. Many Toda women in southern India marry several brothers. Abisi women in Nigeria can marry three men on the same day."

"That's to say, polyamory is all around, but socially inadmissible. "It is interesting," writes Barker in her new book Rewriting the Rules: An Integrative Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships, "that we readily accept someone loving more than one child, sibling or friend without their love for one of them diluting the love for others, but when it comes to romantic or sexual love most people cannot accept it happening more than once at a time.""

From:

Lucia Amman · May 24, 2016

The Toda of India and Abasi of Nigeria women had probably no say in it if they wanted to marry those said brothers. It's merely a concept of land dividing and an inheritance issue more than any romantic drive. It's a bad example of what nowadays polyamorist aim to be: lovers of many. Those women have no right or say in whom or how many they must marry. And the brothers sadly have little choice either: marry all the same woman so they can keep the land undivided or live in poverty, without land or any inheritance, but with love?

Don't get me wrong. I'm embrace the ideas of not getting married for the sake of marriage and polyamory has my full support! But the article just choice to use some weird examples that had nothing to do with our nature of romance but all about our nature of greed.

Hermes · May 24, 2016

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