Emotional Neglect - Breaking the Bonds

[Silverbirch]

I just wrote a long post which unfortunately I lost. I would be grateful for people's experiences in overcoming their bonds and need for love from seriously emotional neglectful "partners". I would have done practically ANYTHING for this man to love me, and each time I found the strength to move away, I found myself so easily reeled back into the cycle. All he had to do was tell me he loved me.

 

I walked away a few weeks ago, but I feel devastated. I can't keep going through the cycle anymore. It's going to take a while not only to get over this, but to understand myself and change on the inside so that I don't repeat this cycle in other relationships.

 

I would be grateful for other peoples learned wisdom on breaking these emotional bond.

 

I believe the link below perfectly describes the origins of my addiction to emotionally neglectful partners.

 

 

[Seraphim]

I think you have to learn to parent you. Value you. Prioritize you. Any kind of emotional vulture notices a very wounded person very quickly and they know you are easy to victimize. Only truly loving YOURSELF will fix this SB. This I think you can fix with various therapies . I know it did for me.

 

I know you can do it, but you have to want to. There is no way to half a.. this. Everyone who manipulates you has to go. You can not " love people better" they have to do it themselves and if they won't out they go.

[j.man]

I'm really not a huge fan of attributing emotional neglect to a romantic relationship between two consenting and mature adults. If I were to, it'd be extremely situational. There is no charge of responsibility or authority over the other partner. One's propensity to provide emotional care and one's level of requirement of it are highly variable from person to person. At the end of the day, if your emotional needs aren't being satisfied, it's time to find someone else.

 

Have you visited with a therapist who might be able to help you sift through the reasons you'd settle for someone who didn't meet your needs, considering how much this is affecting you?

[nutbrownhare]

So sorry to see this, SB. So sorry. I can only share my own experience here.

 

I spent much of my adult life in and out of therapy - enormously helpful for many, many things in life - but I was still having rotten dysfunctional relationships... what really changed that for me, and certainly made it 1,000 times easier to let go of people who were bad for me, was attending Alanon meetings.

 

Perhaps it's the sense of being cared for by people who totally understand, who I could care for too with no risk of exploitation... whatever, some kind of magic took place in those rooms. Perhaps it's what Victoria describes as 'parenting you'; certainly the closest to unconditional love I've ever experienced.

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Vic. I know you are right. As much as I love and idealise my parents, there were many, many times they were emotionally absent. Two out of 4 female adult children developed diagnosed eating disorders. All of us became perfectionists of sorts - I think so we could consider ourselves "good enough" - "worthy of attention and love".

[Seraphim]

You have to say, I can protect me. Ican love me.

[Silverbirch]

I'm really not a huge fan of attributing emotional neglect to a romantic relationship between two consenting and mature adults. If I were to, it'd be extremely situational. There is no charge of responsibility or authority over the other partner. One'spropensity to provide emotional care and one's level of requirement of it are highly variable from person to person. At the end of the day, if your emotional needs aren't being satisfied, it's time to find someone else.

 

Have you visited with a therapist who might be able to help you sift through the reasons you'd settle for someone who didn't meet your needs, considering how much this is affecting you?

 

Not everyone will understand it - especially if you did not experience yourself or the pattern of becoming desperate for the love of a person unable to give it.

 

My slightly older sister and I BOTH received long-term professional treatment for anorexia/bulimia many years ago. Be both overcame our eating disorders (though I am experiencing physical effects at mid age due to malnutrition when I was younger).

 

My sister left her husband and has been with her second husband very happily for over 20 years. He treats her very well, and he is clearly the love of her life.

 

My own situation is too painful to outline, but people here, especially those I am close to, know and understand it so I'm not going into it.

[Silverbirch]

So sorry to see this, SB. So sorry. I can only share my own experience here.

 

I spent much of my adult life in and out of therapy - enormously helpful for many, many things in life - but I was still having rotten dysfunctional relationships... what really changed that for me, and certainly made it 1,000 times easier to let go of people who were bad for me, was attending Alanon meetings.

 

Perhaps it's the sense of being cared for by people who totally understand, who I could care for too with no risk of exploitation... whatever, some kind of magic took place in those rooms. Perhaps it's what Victoria describes as 'parenting you'; certainly the closest to unconditional love I've ever experienced.

 

Hugs and thank you NTBH. I forgot all about that. I went to Alanon many years ago - my father was an alcoholic. I will see if there is Alanon within driving distance of where I live. I am now living in the country but would be prepared to drive to a regional centre to attend meetings.

[Silverbirch]

You have to say, I can protect me. Ican love me.

 

I will say it. I will do it.

[reinventmyself]

Not to oversimplify things but I think the change comes from self love and self esteem.

 

The more you have the higher your standards are and being around someone who is neglectful becomes soul damaging.

Settling for it is even worse.

 

I came from a place with very little self esteem and the only way I could build on it, was to act on it and to act `As If'

"Fake it, til you make it"

Doing small things every day that were otherwise difficult for someone like me. Until the spell broke.

 

So, you learn to do the hard thing and that is to walk away sometimes. When you are prone to be addicted to these people it makes it incredibly difficult.

It's still hard for me to do the big girl thing, but no longer impossible. And every time I do it, my self respect goes up.

No one will respect me if I don't respect myself first.

But you keep doing it, until it gets easier. At some point you'll find yourself on the other side, where staying in an unfulfilling relationship isn't even an option.

 

I can remember walking out on a relationship in 2014 and literally thought I would die. It was excruciating but I knew I had to leave. It was one of the most painful things I have ever done, but it was the right thing to do. .for me. .for my own self care and self respect. The same with my marriage.

Grueling, painful but necessary. I have more respect for myself as a result of it. I am also much more brave than I ever was and I know what I am capable of.

 

Therapy and learning how my family of origin played a huge factor in how I viewed my part in romantic relationships helped.

 

Believe you deserve it!

((Hugs))

[Realitynut]

hahaha...well...you know my story.

 

Why do I stick around? That's what I have to ask myself.

 

Never was 'good' enough for my dad. Kept trying to prove myself....but always failing. That would be the simplistic view.

 

Seeing my mom stay with a dad who had affairs all his life. I felt you STAYED with a person...through thick and thin.

 

Then I was married to a guy for 20 years who I never loved. Never had sex for the last 15 years. And very little before. Really, never even liked him much.

 

Then got with the guy is Wisconsin. And you know that story. He was shallow. I was very needy, clingy, BPD tendencies coming through loudly. He enabled them. His only way out....??? Have an affair. And even then I didn't leave.

 

Now for 3 years with a guy who pursued me endlessly for 10 months. Until he got me. Then the tables turned. 2 years of him being HOT/Cold almost on a WEEKLY basis.

 

He just got done dating someone else for 2 months....but yet seeing me every couple of weeks...for a couple of hour 'session' of talking and love making.

 

Now that he ended it with her...cuz all he thought of was me.....he can only take 'talking' with me...about 'relationships/emotions/love/feelings.....less than 15 min. And would much prefer NEVER!

 

Admitted he had NO emotion about ending it with her.....and very little emotion in general. (except he has TONS of anger...that comes bursting forth)

 

Said after his 3rd marriage that he was never going to go thru that again....and never let himself care again. He told me he thinks..."All relationships fail".

 

Great.

 

Now I give my ex husband LOTS of credit to stick through a loveless 20 year marriage. Only reason it ended...was cuz I had an affair.

But all I ever thought of was....when would the kids be old enough...that I could LEAVE.

 

Little did I know....that the dating world out here...would suck big time.

[Silverbirch]

I

Not to oversimplify things but I think the change comes from self love and self esteem.

 

The more you have the higher your standards are and being around someone who is neglectful becomes soul damaging.

Settling for it is even worse.

 

I came from a place with very little self esteem and the only way I could build on it, was to act on it and to act `As If'

"Fake it, til you make it"

Doing small things every day that were otherwise difficult for someone like me. Until the spell broke.

 

So, you learn to the hard thing and that is walk away. When you are prone to be addicted to these people it makes it incredibly difficult.

It's still hard for me to do the big girl thing, but no longer impossible. And every time I do it, my self respect goes up.

No one will respect me if I don't respect myself first.

But you keep doing it, until it gets easier. At some point you'll find yourself on the other side, where staying in an unfulfilling relationship isn't even an option.

 

I can remember walking out on a relationship in 2014 and literally thought I would die. It was excruciating but I knew I had to leave. It was one of the most painful things I have ever done, but it was the right thing to do. .for me. .for my own self care and self respect. The same with my marriage.

Grueling, painful but necessary. I have more respect for myself as a result of it. I am also much more brave than I ever was and I know what I am capable of.

 

Therapy and learning how my family of origin played a huge factor in how I viewed my part in romantic relationships helped.

 

Believe you deserve it!

((Hugs))

 

 

Thank you so much Riv For sharing your experience and encouragement. I'm going to put my big girl panties on as well and get through this.

[Silverbirch]

RN, that guy T you were with is such a heartless, selfish and manipulative person. He is proof that you can't always see it coming. To even your family, nobody could have predicted what he would be like - but worse than that is the "NEED" that some if us have to gain their live back. As you point out, they gave their own issues. We can't fix their issues though in desperation, I rationales his behaviour, tried to "support" him, I am certain, hoping that eventually he would be able to live me. Instead, I got caught in a mad cycle of having him withdraw what I perceived as love. Each time, I would wa

K away, I would seemingly uncontrollably allow myself to be lured back in by his crumbs.

[Realitynut]

oh....and one more thing...in my rant....most guys by our age...if they AREN'T emotionally unavailable, they are in a relationship. So they are taken.

 

Sorry...no advice of breaking the bonds. Just understanding that the change has to come from us. For 2 years, my friends have told me, Carla, he's gonna come back...and what are you going to do?

 

I use to say...naw...he's not coming back. And he always did. And I welcomed him back with open arms.

 

Now i'm crabby. He called today. I didn't answer. What the hell am I going to say? Ahhhhh....so you want to see me MORE than once a week now??? ummm....so suddenly you found that you HAD emotions...and are able to LOVE?

 

Hell no. He's still the same as he's been the last 2 years.

 

He'll love me for one or two days...then act like he can hardly stand me. But damn....that ONE DAY is pretty damn good!!!!!!!

 

It's up to me to get off this train...because apparently he's just as addicted as I am.

[Ms Darcy]

I think all of the posts here have an interesting intersection that might be very helpful for you to think about.

 

I like Jman's post and I think it's a good starting point ... especially where he says "There is no charge of responsibility or authority over the other partner" ... especially not in "a romantic relationship between two consenting and mature adults." To me this gets at the need to really take a step back and understand the larger landscape.

 

I think you get at that here with this link below, which really talks about the impact of emotional neglect on children.

I believe the link below perfectly describes the origins of my addiction to emotionally neglectful partners.

 

 

 

I think where so many people on this site get it wrong is they actually spend too much time focusing on the most recent ex and all the yucky stuff that the other person "did" to them versus understanding that the relationship, like any relationship, is a complex dance of the histories, perceptions, and actions of two people not one. And more often than not when you pull back the layers of the onion, you see the REASONS why they both stayed. Those root causes are the stuff that needs attention or else the wound never gets healed.

 

In my own experience, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for two years many years ago. I don't say I was emotionally abused because I think it's important to acknowledge the back and forth dynamic that created the situation. I also recognized that I willingly stayed with this person despite many opportunities to leave/end it. For me, the key reason for staying was the underlying fear of not only being alone but also that I could not do better.

 

When we broke up I went to therapy and worked on THOSE fears. I upgraded my health (physical and emotional) and also started reaching towards multiple goals - which greatly increased my confidence. I also made a list of qualities that I wanted in a man and read books that helped give me CONFIDENCE and FAITH that I too would find what I wanted.

 

All told, it probably took me about 1-2 months to move on from that guy. This was MUCH less time that it took for my previous relationships but I think it was because this time I had so much more self-confidence and faith as well as the desire to enjoy being single and social.

 

I know this is a big difference from others, but I actually think it holds people back by using blaming language towards an ex and positioning oneself as a victim for a particular relationship. Not only does it allow people not to focus on themselves, it also puts a lot of negative energy out there and towards the ex that's almost like a glue to your feet that keeps you stuck.

 

I wouldn't say I ever "forgave" my ex in a normal way but I just see us as incompatible. When I heard he got married, I was actually like "Oh, that's nice." And he sent me a message (the first and only communication since our breakup) congratulating me on my marriage as well.

 

I think Victoria and Nutbrown get at some great points about methodologies for owning your healing process. I like Vic's point about parenting yourself. Putting you first is so important. Even if you have to say: "OK - Silver, you need to move on from this guy. I am NOT going to allow you to be in contact with the ex ever again. I'm removing him from your phone and you are getting caller ID to block any calls from him" or whatever then DO that. I think therapy is great and maybe Nutbrown's point about Alanon would be good for you too to get a support group of folks who can help encourage you to take care of you.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carla. Let's both stand our ground! He's throwing more crumbs.

[Realitynut]

To even your family, nobody could have predicted what he would be like -

lol...yeah, my mom thought (after things hit the skids) that he 'was the one'....and she NEVER said that about any guy!

 

When I told Tom that...his only reply was...'what pressure'....lol

[Silverbirch]

I think all of the posts here have an interesting intersection that might be very helpful for you to think about.

 

I like Jman's post and I think it's a good starting point ... especially where he says "There is no charge of responsibility or authority over the other partner" ... especially not in "a romantic relationship between two consenting and mature adults." To me this gets at the need to really take a step back and understand the larger landscape.

 

I think you get at that here with this link below, which really talks about the impact of emotional neglect on children.

 

I think where so many people on this site get it wrong is they actually spend too much time focusing on the most recent ex and all the yucky stuff that the other person "did" to them versus understanding that the relationship, like any relationship, is a complex dance of the histories, perceptions, and actions of two people not one. And more often than not when you pull back the layers of the onion, you see the REASONS why they both stayed. Those root causes are the stuff that needs attention or else the wound never gets healed.

 

In my own experience, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for two years many years ago. I don't say I was emotionally abused because I think it's important to acknowledge the back and forth dynamic that created the situation. I also recognized that I willingly stayed with this person despite many opportunities to leave/end it. For me, the key reason for staying was the underlying fear of not only being alone but also that I could not do better.

 

When we broke up I went to therapy and worked on THOSE fears. I upgraded my health (physical and emotional) and also started reaching towards multiple goals - which greatly increased my confidence. I also made a list of qualities that I wanted in a man and read books that helped give me CONFIDENCE and FAITH that I too would find what I wanted.

 

All told, it probably took me about 1-2 months to move on from that guy. This was MUCH less time that it took for my previous relationships but I think it was because this time I had so much more self-confidence and faith as well as the desire to enjoy being single and social.

 

I know this is a big difference from others, but I actually think it holds people back by using blaming language towards an ex and positioning oneself as a victim for a particular relationship. Not only does it allow people not to focus on themselves, it also puts a lot of negative energy out there and towards the ex that's almost like a glue to your feet that keeps you stuck.

 

I wouldn't say I ever "forgave" my ex in a normal way but I just see us as incompatible. When I heard he got married, I was actually like "Oh, that's nice." And he sent me a message (the first and only communication since our breakup) congratulating me on my marriage as well.

 

I think Victoria and Nutbrown get at some great points about methodologies for owning your healing process. I like Vic's point about parenting yourself. Putting you first is so important. Even if you have to say: "OK - Silver, you need to move on from this guy. I am NOT going to allow you to be in contact with the ex ever again. I'm removing him from your phone and you are getting caller ID to block any calls from him" or whatever then DO that. I think therapy is great and maybe Nutbrown's point about Alanon would be good for you too to get a support group of folks who can help encourage you to take care of you.

 

Thanks Mrs Darcy. Just a quick reply for now as I have to get moving. There are important differences between abuse and emotional neglect, and I've seen some recent good articles outlining the dynamics I. Adult life. My ex was severely neglected himself as an early teen when his father literally abandoned him, and had NITHING to do with him for many years - when the father wanted to be cared for by the family he abandoned. I have no doubt that each of us have been caught in a dynamic I. Adulthood trying to "right" what we felt "was not right" in our earlier formative years.

[Silverbirch]

See, there I've done it again! Rationalised him. I can't fix him, only me. I did years of therapy. All the talking in the world can't help me. Only I can do this.

[Zuri]

When did initially enter a relationship with him (before any break ups)?

[journeynow]

I think you have to learn to parent you.

 

I think this it what it boils down to. Or "nurture" yourself, commit to yourself, care for yourself, respect yourself.

 

I remember Drew Barrymore talking about this, how as an adult her life turned around when she decided to parent herself, to be the parent she needed.

 

You know I can relate to what you are going through, SB.

 

I've thought about this quite a bit, how I have missed the loving, or what I experienced as loving, that came with a relationship. Missed the loving someone and feeling loved, and…realizing those feelings are an internal experience, wondering why I think I need something external in order to have that internal life. If I'm really careful, and pay attention, I realize that much of what I feel is based on what I believe about myself. And what I believe is based on what I tell myself. It's a story which gives me a meaning I am choosing to accept as reality. My reality. It doesn't really matter if that is a story I picked up from childhood, or inherited from generations past, or formed along the way, it comes right down to my story I tell myself in the present.

 

I don't know it this makes any sense. I'm not good at putting my thoughts about it into words.

 

I can tell myself that "if he loved me he would have done such-and-such" and because he didn't that means he doesn't love me or I don't deserve love. I don't know that, though. I don't know his experience regarding love, nor do I know if I'm deserving of love or not. (What does that even mean?) I only know my internal experience, that I wanted such-and-such and attached meaning to whether I received it or not.

 

All I know is that I'm happier when I think of everything as an experiment. An experiment to gather information which help me make choices. And I'm better off experiencing this present moment rather than jumping back into the past or projecting into an uncertain future.

 

Hugs to you SB.

[thejigsup]

Look, any man I'm with, I treat like a king. BUT, they have to treat my like queen, also. I have my Master's in Psych and I learned this through my studies When you come from a dysfunctional family, you are always looking to rewrite the story so it has a happy ending. You pick damaged men and try to "fix" them through your love. It never works, it never will. It is called "searching for birds with broken wings" syndrome. You don't want emotionally healthy men, you can't rewrite your story with them. No, only a broken man will do. You have to realize that the ONLY way to rewrite your story so that it has a happy ending is to choose emotionally healthy men. Then you will get to be treasured, loved, and appreciated. You have to learn to WANT happiness for your present, not to rewrite the past, you can't do that. You have to see that you are AMAZING, no matter what people have said to you in the past. DON'T use your past as an excuse, use it as a template of what you do not want. When you begin to treasure yourself more than the idiots, you have won. Until then, you will always, always lose.

[journeynow]

At some point we have to cut our parents loose. Not carry on within ourselves any unhealthy pattern we learned under their care. We surely hope our own kids won't be blaming us for their difficulties the remainder of their lives. Our parents didn't decide to have kids in order to mess them up. They did what they could, and we wouldn't be here without them.

[Ms Darcy]

My ex was severely neglected himself as an early teen when his father literally abandoned him, and had NITHING to do with him for many years - when the father wanted to be cared for by the family he abandoned.

 

This is one part I neglected in my post but Reinvent got at. When you posted the article about neglect in children, I thought you were talking about your own childhood. Who cares about his childhood (as you basically say in your next post.) It's your own family of origin and patterns growing up you should focus on - not as a crutch but as a way to understand and move forward.

[Silverbirch]

Look, any man I'm with, I treat like a king. BUT, they have to treat my like queen, also. I have my Master's in Psych and I learned this through my studies When you come from a dysfunctional family, you are always looking to rewrite the story so it has a happy ending. You pick damaged men and try to "fix" them through your love. It never works, it never will. It is called "searching for birds with broken wings" syndrome. You don't want emotionally healthy men, you can't rewrite your story with them. No, only a broken man will do. You have to realize that the ONLY way to rewrite your story so that it has a happy ending is to choose emotionally healthy men. Then you will get to be treasured, loved, and appreciated. You have to learn to WANT happiness for your present, not to rewrite the past, you can't do that. You have to see that you are AMAZING, no matter what people have said to you in the past. DON'T use your past as an excuse, use it as a template of what you do not want. When you begin to treasure yourself more than the idiots, you have won. Until then, you will always, always lose.

 

Maybe I a, wrong Jig, but I always thought they chose me. By the time I realised things weren't right, I was emotionally invested and at cost to myself, my self-respect, confidence and self-esteem, I thought my love would be enough. I would do whatever it took to fix things.

 

Hugs Jig, I'm ready to do what it takes