Emotional Neglect - Breaking the Bonds

[Silverbirch]

Thank you everyone. Bit unwell today with medical issue, but coming back to bed later. Xx

[Silverbirch]

We

Oh, SB girlfriend, you are singing my song. Well, the one I don't sing anymore, but it was on repeat for a long time.

 

You know my history with the ex and I've often said that it was a repeat(albeit a more severe one) of pretty much every other relationship I had. They were all emotionally unavailable, but you know what...So was I. I had the wounded bird syndrome or whatever someone said, but I was as wounded as they were. I wanted to 'make right' the stuff from my past through these relationships. If I could win over the unavailable, then I was worth it.

 

And so I bypassed people who WERE available because that didn't make me feel wanted, or needed. It didn't coincide with this strange goal of mine. I knew that deep down, I felt fearful of true intimacy therefore I was safe with trying to win over the unavailable. If I would have been with someone who was available to me, I would have felt lost. I would have and did walk away from it, because it had the potential to be real and genuine. And I didn't know what to do with that.

 

Even though I hurt myself time and time again, somehow I rationalized to myself that the pain of pursuing the unavailable was easier and preferable to the pain of being vulnerable with a genuine, open person. And I suppose it was then. The unavailable was safe despite all the grief it caused.

 

And now I think about the people I've been with and how in some way, shape or form, they behaved as parental figures to me. There was 'rebellion' on my end, a typical dynamic but something snapped inside me with the ex, and I started to resent it...I didn't want that anymore. I didn't know what I wanted, but I knew it wasn't that.

 

So as you know I've been taking the last few years to figure out just what it is that I want. I have a clearer idea now, though I'm not particularly interested in finding it right now.

 

I wish I could write more, I will try to come back to the thread later tonight. Hugs. I've watched you tangle with him for a long time. I hope you cut him out of your life for good and let the real healing begin.

 

Oh Thanks Cheet. Having lots of computer issues and lost some posts. Yep, we sound alike. It's weird because there is a really nice guy on the scene who thinks the world of me, says he has deep feelings for me. Well, that could be a red flag too because I haven't known him that long. No dates or anything, a friend, neighbour and cycling buddy. Even rang me from supermarket to ask if I wanted anything. Here I am - all I can think of is D, and even with his emotional availability, arrogance, I can't imagine wanting to be with anyone else. For a while, I thought it might be because he is THE HANDSOMEST man I have ever been with, and then recently, I remembered that when he had chemotherapy, lost all his hair, eyebrows, eyebrows, I loved him even more.

 

I definitely need to take a couple of YEARS out.

[Silverbirch]

Your post sounds very similar to a relationship I was in 3 years ago. Every time he treated me badly there would be a cooling off period then I would forgive him. Therefore the cycle would continue. Eventually it got to the point where I didn't no who I was anymore without him. Then he did something that not even I could forgive so the cycle broke.

It took a very long time to mend myself and find myself again but I did it and you will too.

There will come a day where you will break the cycle size rather sooner than later.

It is after all the best thing for the long run.

 

Now I see the girl he cheated on me with is still in that cycle and Now I'm objective about it I'm in a much better place then she is. I'm putting me first. You will see in the long run that will be best for you too

 

thank you Cathy. I'm glad you had the strength. About 10 years ago, different relationship, what you describe happened to me as well, and I never took him back. It was weird because after that happened and I realised the extent of his lying and cheating, I felt absolutely revolted by him. That hasn't happened this time yet, but maybe in time it will happen. Made it much easier.

[Silverbirch]

I agree with the value of anger. It's a powerful energy that can be harnessed as fuel to propel one forward. I don't know that any of those phases need to be "gotten over", but they are worth recognizing, seeing what they've offered, what you've learned (especially about self, the pros and cons and pros) along the way, processed and moved through. Whatever you do, don't kick yourself when you're down. Pretty please? It's natural, we all tend to do it to ourselves, but it helps no one, least of all The World.

 

Thank you very much JN. I'm on a roller coaster of emotion right now. The anger is gone today. I have been crying and sad, and convinced I will never be able to feel love for anyone else.

[Waraqqa]

There is no charge of responsibility or authority over the other partner.

 

This does it for me, Silverbirch. I find myself going through similar feelings as you do with one difference - I don't even love the guy in the romantic sense, that was long over. I enormously craved his friendship and approval, though. Or at least just knowing he cared about me as a person, which he does not seem to. This led to many toxic needless interactions and my difficulty in letting go.

 

As J.man said here, we cannot control the other person. In my more enlightened, realistic and healthy moments I remember Sadhguru's words: we can never control for what comes to us or what the other people do or don't do. The only thing we can control is our own response. Not reaction (b/c then we become reactive and compulsive) but a conscious Response. That's why it is called Responsibility. And for what we do, for our choices, for our response to a situation - we are responsible 100%. There is nothing else we can do. What we can change for the better (our response) we should do; what we cannot change, we can only Accept. I kept being stuck in how I wanted the situation to be rather than how it actually is, trying to fix it to my rosy glasses. It kept tripping me and I didn't accept. And the longer I didn't accept, the more controlling and compulsive I was becoming, and the less peace I had, reacting to his indifference.

 

It all goes to that famous prayer of St. Francis of Assissi: God grant me strength to change what I can, to accept what I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

I think in my case knowing the difference as to what I could or could not change was the toughest part. That requires clear and honest thinking. If we are willing to be honest with ourselves and not fool ourselves, then we can see the reality clearly, and act (or not) from there.

 

When you decide to accept how it is, then there might be some grieving and sadness - but that's ok, it's part of the process. When acceptance becomes full, peace comes.

[Ms Darcy]

I would venture to guess that most of us have had nice guys interested whilst we are desperate for the love and approval of someone else that doesn't love us. That's a big sign that internally we are not really emotionally available ourselves for real love, which is reciprocal.

[Silverbirch]

This does it for me, Silverbirch. I find myself going through similar feelings as you do with one difference - I don't even love the guy in the romantic sense, that was long over. I enormously craved his friendship and approval, though. Or at least just knowing he cared about me as a person, which he does not seem to. This led to many toxic needless interactions and my difficulty in letting go.

 

As J.man said here, we cannot control the other person. In my more enlightened, realistic and healthy moments I remember Sadhguru's words: we can never control for what comes to us or what the other people do or don't do. The only thing we can control is our own response. Not reaction (b/c then we become reactive and compulsive) but a conscious Response. That's why it is called Responsibility. And for what we do, for our choices, for our response to a situation - we are responsible 100%. There is nothing else we can do. What we can change for the better (our response) we should do; what we cannot change, we can only Accept. I kept being stuck in how I wanted the situation to be rather than how it actually is, trying to fix it to my rosy glasses. It kept tripping me and I didn't accept. And the longer I didn't accept, the more controlling and compulsive I was becoming, and the less peace I had, reacting to his indifference.

 

It all goes to that famous prayer of St. Francis of Assissi: God grant me strength to change what I can, to accept what I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

I think in my case knowing the difference as to what I could or could not change was the toughest part. That requires clear and honest thinking. If we are willing to be honest with ourselves and not fool ourselves, then we can see the reality clearly, and act (or not) from there.

 

When you decide to accept how it is, then there might be some grieving and sadness - but that's ok, it's part of the process. When acceptance becomes full, peace comes.

 

Perfectly said Waraqqa. THANK YOU.

[Silverbirch]

I would venture to guess that most of us have had nice guys interested whilst we are desperate for the love and approval of someone else that doesn't love us. That's a big sign that internally we are not really emotionally available ourselves for real love, which is reciprocal.

 

I wish I understood it Mrs Darcy.

[Silverbirch]

Can anyone shed some light on it? Cheet, do you know? I don't think of myself as emotionally available myself, but there has to be at least some truth in what Mrs Darcy says. I don't understand how I am unavailable or how to change it.

[Silverbirch]

And the guy who seems available, the one who does a lot, wants to please me, treats me well - how do I know if his perceived availability is genuine. What's to say if I got involved with him that it wouldn't end up the same way?

 

That is how it was with Realitynut and Tom. We all (including RNs family) thought that Tom seemed such a nice, genuine guy, very in live with RN, treating her very well until she reciprocated feelings of live. We couldn't see signs that he would change. I don't ever recall thinking, I'm going to have a relationship with this man because he isn't going to treat me well. Each time I thought, "This time it is different". I think I need to more clearly understand and define my boundaries, being true to myself and risking the loss and balancing it with healthy compromise whilst not being either unavailable or allowing myself to be disrespected.

[Cheetarah]

Well...It's all individual in some ways. I never thought of myself as emotionally unavailable at all. I had several partners tell me I was always erecting barriers but I seriously didn't see it and really only recently understood what they were saying. I was more comfortable doing the pursuing or 'earning' of the love, when it was returned or reciprocal I didn't trust it. It just didn't fit in with this role of mine. So when I was shown kindness I would question its sincerity. I WANTED it but then when it was in my lap I really didn't know what to do. It reminds me of something an old boyfriend of mine said years ago to me, when I was in my early 20s. He said, "Once you put it out there, it goes to sheet." And I agreed with that then and did for a long time. So the back and forth and uncertainty was more comfortable because nothing was 'out there', as he said.

[Cheetarah]

Some people really are all about the chase and feel like people are shiny toys until they lose their gleam. I don't know that it's necessarily malicious but it's some issue of theirs and sometimes we can get wrapped up in that stuff. RN should have walked away a long time ago to spare herself. But you know, there's some kind of appeal there for someone to do that and I get it because I have done it. But it's never going to end well. It's never going to end with 'the prize' of being loved by some unavailable person. And then say, even if you won that 'prize'...It doesn't seem very valuable anymore. Much like the shiny toys/lost gleam thing. So...I guess we're all kind of the same.

 

I have had situations where I chased a very unavailable man and then when I felt like okay, we're here now...I found all sorts of things wrong with it. I attribute that to several things. 1). Blinders. I was able to ignore a lot when my focus was on the pursuing rather than the person as a whole, 2). It meant that I would have to let myself unfold in order to further the relationship, and now that I spent X amount of time chasing, why should I feel secure and comfortable to do that? Why did I have to earn it in the first place?

 

It's such a crazy train to be on, really. I insisted it be this way because it made me more comfortable, but then I got pissed off about it.

[Silverbirch]

Yes, I can see myself in that, but would you mind explaining the last part about PUTTING IT OUT THERE and it turns to sheet.

[Cheetarah]

Yes, I can see myself in that, but would you mind explaining the last part about PUTTING IT OUT THERE and it turns to sheet.

 

What he meant was, that as long as you kept people at arm's length it couldn't go sour. And that once you open yourself up to another person, it all goes downhill from there. I agreed with this because it resonated with my fears. So I sought situations where I didn't have to actually be truly emotional intimate with people.

 

But as I dealt with those fears, where they came from and what they mean, I started to see how damaging that is. Yes sure, you keep the bad out that way. But you're not letting any good in, either.

[RainyCoast]

uhm, i don't know how to explain this without it looking like i'm hijacking the thread with my issue but this whole "emotionally unavailable" thing....blah, i'll share because i think it takes many forms and i'm sure someone must recognize the pattern from their own experience and tell us how the heck they broke free. Cheet...i remember you as a ptsd buddy, correct? i attribute the barriers i put up to that...while i never did the chasing the unavailable thing, when a good thing is available i can't trust no matter how much a person proves they're good. with my last ex, everything was okay, except i couldn't really "bond" if that makes sense. i got the whole "you've kept me behind a thick wall all these years" argument too- and it was true. i find myself running compulsively from someone i like and who treats me insanely well now and i'm planning on taking my feelings to the grave with me because i can't get over a block, a freeze response if you will. anyone else had that happen? not just emotionally shutting off, not just tactile avoidance, it's a complete block, it's starting to look like i'm rejecting him on all levels. whenever he comes close or tries asking personal questions, offers kindness or attempts a slight touch i FREEZE. i can't accept the gesture, i can't reciprocate, i can't budge, i can't even offer an explanation for why i'm acting like that because there's a verbal block too and the more i try to force myself to overcome it, the worse it gets. it's becoming the most awkward and embarrasing thing i've had on my behavioral repertoire. my therapist, who has been great so far, has offered shallow useless bollocks on this subject.

 

it's a transferential relationship, we don't trust good people because the ones who have been harmful have always used kindness, trust and bonding as a ticket to "Us" and once there was an "us" we were sc*ewed is all i can see for now. as for the "wrong" people...well, the devil you know....at least at some point we stop choosing the abusive ones, but how on earth one gets themselves to let the good ones close is beyond me.

 

 

sorry to go on like this but SB's thread is really interesting and i notice a lot of people offering bits and pieces that help. guess quite a few of us would be grateful to hear what helped others regarding unjustified mistrust and emotional inhibition.

 

 

SB hon, you're so honest and brave...i don't have an answer but i am wholeheartedly cheering you on.

[Cheetarah]

I know, i feel like I am hijacking too but it's the only way I can offer anything when it comes to this particular issue, to explain my own thoughts and stuff.

 

Yes, I have felt that block and the best thing I could come up with was "It's just me, this is my issue"...Like that's helpful to them or me..*snort* At that point running away becomes the most comfortable thing but then I also know, okay I just walked away from maybe something good, but how was I ever going to know it was ACTUALLY GOOD.

 

Unfortunately, the only way through this has been through it. I accept I'm one of those snail people who take forever to warm up to someone. And that has to be on my terms, all of it..I can't be coaxed into it. I hazard a guess him asking you personal questions, him doing the asking..that's not on your terms. An offer of kindness...Not in your hands, in his...A slight touch...again, not initiated by you. And I do think that element of control has a lot to do with us ptsd people.

 

And I realize that no one can live like that forever. But I really do think that it's important to find a person who lets you take your own reigns when it comes to revealing yourself. When its our choice its different. That's been the easiest way for me to build trust with a person, when I am given plenty of room to unfold on my time...And then I can begin to accept some of those things a little at a time. Okay, I can answer this question, that gesture WAS really kind of you, thank you...real appreciation...not the 'in what way are you going to use this against me in the future' stuff.

[RainyCoast]

yes, omg, snail people!!!! and that it's all on his terms and it's so reminiscent of the dominance in the original traumas although the new people and situations are so different. i do wonder how they'll use the bond against me.

 

i think if i can get myself to at least explain that i have a block and that it helps if i'm allowed to get near on my own terms that would be a great start.

 

i've already wondered whether, if i could just keep in mind the other is a vulnerable human as well and isn't emotionally immune to my lack of response either then maybe i wouldn't picture myself as the "subject" but as an equal. when they're so kind and attentive and nurtturing...i find myself thinking don't patronise me...the fear that they NEED to see me as small and infantile and vulnerable because maybe they are obsessively looking to be in a position of power. or maybe they are feeding me ego-kibbles because they genuinely think that's the best one could offer because they are projecting their own insane need for validation onto me and then if i got close with this person i'd find the ego kibble is no more and now it's me who has to stuff them with validation and they turn out to be a bottomless pit.

 

people kep telling me i analyse too much and insist on making the other bad but somehow...the questions simply seem valid to me so i take a lot of time deciding. most of us took very long to stop rationalising and excusing bad behavior and decide someone is worth leaving- i guess we also need to see a whole lot of proof that a person is driven by more than impulse or a need for validation or whatever before we decide they're worth accepting.

 

i'll try the thing with approaching on my own terms, that sounds really helpful. hopefully i'll be able to verbalise a thank you then too. i've been so idle it was horrible.

 

thanks for sharing cheet, i'm relieved when people start a discussion even if they're just throwing thoughts and questions out there- stuff becomes clearer through discourse.

 

SB is this helping you as well?

[Silverbirch]

G

uhm, i don't know how to explain this without it looking like i'm hijacking the thread with my issue but this whole "emotionally unavailable" thing....blah, i'll share because i think it takes many forms and i'm sure someone must recognize the pattern from their own experience and tell us how the heck they broke free. Cheet...i remember you as a ptsd buddy, correct? i attribute the barriers i put up to that...while i never did the chasing the unavailable thing, when a good thing is available i can't trust no matter how much a person proves they're good. with my last ex, everything was okay, except i couldn't really "bond" if that makes sense. i got the whole "you've kept me behind a thick wall all these years" argument too- and it was true. i find myself running compulsively from someone i like and who treats me insanely well now and i'm planning on taking my feelings to the grave with me because i can't get over a block, a freeze response if you will. anyone else had that happen? not just emotionally shutting off, not just tactile avoidance, it's a complete block, it's starting to look like i'm rejecting him on all levels. whenever he comes close or tries asking personal questions, offers kindness or attempts a slight touch i FREEZE. i can't accept the gesture, i can't reciprocate, i can't budge, i can't even offer an explanation for why i'm acting like that because there's a verbal block too and the more i try to force myself to overcome it, the worse it gets. it's becoming the most awkward and embarrasing thing i've had on my behavioral repertoire. my therapist, who has been great so far, has offered shallow useless bollocks on this subject.

 

it's a transferential relationship, we don't trust good people because the ones who have been harmful have always used kindness, trust and bonding as a ticket to "Us" and once there was an "us" we were sc*ewed is all i can see for now. as for the "wrong" people...well, the devil you know....at least at some point we stop choosing the abusive ones, but how on earth one gets themselves to let the good ones close is beyond me.

 

 

sorry to go on like this but SB's thread is really interesting and i notice a lot of people offering bits and pieces that help. guess quite a few of us would be grateful to hear what helped others regarding unjustified mistrust and emotional inhibition.

 

 

SB hon, you're so honest and brave...i don't have an answer but i am wholeheartedly cheering you on.

Rainycoast, I'm grateful for you sharing those experiences - it is exactly what I wanted - for people to share their experiences good and bad - not only offer advice. I learn also from you and others. Thank you.

[Silverbirch]

I know, i feel like I am hijacking too but it's the only way I can offer anything when it comes to this particular issue, to explain my own thoughts and stuff.

 

Yes, I have felt that block and the best thing I could come up with was "It's just me, this is my issue"...Like that's helpful to them or me..*snort* At that point running away becomes the most comfortable thing but then I also know, okay I just walked away from maybe something good, but how was I ever going to know it was ACTUALLY GOOD.

 

Unfortunately, the only way through this has been through it. I accept I'm one of those snail people who take forever to warm up to someone. And that has to be on my terms, all of it..I can't be coaxed into it. I hazard a guess him asking you personal questions, him doing the asking..that's not on your terms. An offer of kindness...Not in your hands, in his...A slight touch...again, not initiated by you. And I do think that element of control has a lot to do with us ptsd people.

 

And I realize that no one can live like that forever. But I really do think that it's important to find a person who lets you take your own reigns when it comes to revealing yourself. When its our choice its different. That's been the easiest way for me to build trust with a person, when I am given plenty of room to unfold on my time...And then I can begin to accept some of those things a little at a time. Okay, I can answer this question, that gesture WAS really kind of you, thank you...real appreciation...not the 'in what way are you going to use this against me in the future' stuff.

 

I appreciate your posts and your sharing as well Cheet. I saw the guy who wants to do nice things for me, and I found myself trying to pick him apart in my mind to find the big flaw he must be hiding. We talk quite a bit and he tells me that in previous LTR he isolated himself by spending as much physical time apart, and whilst he was respectful towards his partner - or so he says - it was not an authentic relationship. Also red flag he has expressed the level of like for me and interest so soon. I find myself saying often that I am not interested in that type of relationship with anyone.

[reinventmyself]

When I first started going to therapy my therapist asked me my dating style.

I figured I was pretty coy, playing hard to get and all the tricks that come along with it.

His response "I hope you realize by what you are doing, you'll attract mostly unavailable men, don't you?" Me: speechless, `huh?'

 

He goes on to explain to me that water typically seeks it's own level. If you find yourself chasing after someone unavailable, you are likely unavailable as well.

To an available person, the unavailable one would not be attractive to them, and so on.

Available people can't be bothered by them. They'd rather spend their valuable time with an equally available person. Not chasing after something they can't catch.

 

So if we aren't sure about our availability, look around you.

`we are as healthy as the company we keep'

How do you change that? Boy I wish I knew, I'd be rich. But awareness is valuable and it's always a work in progress.

 

I look at my parents. And I did have those angry moments. I had to force myself to go there in my mind because it seemed so counterintuitive.

I have spoken in the length to my mother about my experiences and she has tearfully validated them.

I am also able to forgive them because they are just a product of their own environment, and so on and so on.

They did the best they could with what they knew.

We are so much more aware then other generations. My parents generation was that of- if you could conceive, that automatically made you a parent.

They weren't taught parenting skills.

 

My understanding is that by chasing after an unavailable person you are trying to reenact something familiar you learned in childhood. If you were, by chance able to catch them you could in some way rewrite history and therefore fill a void of something you didn't receive as a child, most likely from your parents.

It's a futile dance.

Your challenge is figure out the riddle of what you missed out on and learn how to give that very thing to yourself and stop trying to get other people to determine your value.

[Ms Darcy]

Well...It's all individual in some ways. I never thought of myself as emotionally unavailable at all. I had several partners tell me I was always erecting barriers but I seriously didn't see it and really only recently understood what they were saying. I was more comfortable doing the pursuing or 'earning' of the love, when it was returned or reciprocal I didn't trust it. It just didn't fit in with this role of mine. So when I was shown kindness I would question its sincerity. I WANTED it but then when it was in my lap I really didn't know what to do. It reminds me of something an old boyfriend of mine said years ago to me, when I was in my early 20s. He said, "Once you put it out there, it goes to sheet." And I agreed with that then and did for a long time. So the back and forth and uncertainty was more comfortable because nothing was 'out there', as he said.

 

Yes, I think this is an excellent example of what I was trying to convey.

[Silverbirch]

When I first started going to therapy my therapist asked me my dating style.

I figured I was pretty coy, playing hard to get and all the tricks that come along with it.

His response "I hope you realize by what you are doing, you'll attract mostly unavailable men, don't you?" Me: speechless, `huh?'

 

He goes on to explain to me that water typically seeks it's own level. If you find yourself chasing after someone unavailable, you are likely unavailable as well.

To an available person, the unavailable one would not be attractive to them, and so on.

Available people can't be bothered by them. They'd rather spend their valuable time with an equally available person. Not chasing after something they can't catch.

 

So if we aren't sure about our availability, look around you.

`we are as healthy as the company we keep'

How do you change that? Boy I wish I knew, I'd be rich. But awareness is valuable and it's always a work in progress.

 

I look at my parents. And I did have those angry moments. I had to force myself to go there in my mind because it seemed so counterintuitive.

I have spoken in the length to my mother about my experiences and she has tearfully validated them.

I am also able to forgive them because they are just a product of their own environment, and so on and so on.

They did the best they could with what they knew.

We are so much more aware then other generations. My parents generation was that of- if you could conceive, that automatically made you a parent.

They weren't taught parenting skills.

 

My understanding is that by chasing after an unavailable person you are trying to reenact something familiar you learned in childhood. If you were, by chance able to catch them you could in some way rewrite history and therefore fill a void of something you didn't receive as a child, most likely from your parents.

It's a futile dance.

Your challenge is figure out the riddle of what you missed out on and learn how to give that very thing to yourself and stop trying to get other people to determine your value.

 

Great advice Reinventmyself. I haven't ever thought of myself as competitive, but maybe I am, that it is based on insecurity. I was one of 4 daughters. We were always compared to each other. Spent a lot of time fighting for the mirror and sneaking off with each other's clothes. People don't mean harm, but we were often compared by family and friends. I remember my uncle used to refer to us 3 older ones as Charlie's Angels and I was the cuter less glamorous one. Worse thing was I compared myself to ny sisters often, and other women too. Always saw myself as less than others, that if something good happened, the rug would be pulled from under me. Maybe it was self-fulfilling prophecy.

[catfeeder]

I would venture to guess that most of us have had nice guys interested whilst we are desperate for the love and approval of someone else that doesn't love us. That's a big sign that internally we are not really emotionally available ourselves for real love, which is reciprocal.

 

Well, that, or the one who's interested just isn't the right guy, regardless of all else.

 

Most people are just not our match. I think it's healthy if you can't just transfer your focus onto the next available person, no matter how great he may look or seem.

 

There are plenty of perfectly wonderful men who don't move me romantically, and if they're willing to jump through hoops for my attention, that's all the more squirmy for me.

 

So I'd consider this to be an altogether separate issue. First there's the one of peeling your focus off of ex and desensitizing yourself to him, and then there's everyone else. Unless and until you accomplish the first, anyone who might stand out from 'everyone else' is pretty much rebound territory.

[Silverbirch]

Well, that, or the one who's interested just isn't the right guy, regardless of all else.

 

Most people are just not our match. I think it's healthy if you can't just transfer your focus onto the next available person, no matter how great he may look or seem.

 

There are plenty of perfectly wonderful men who don't move me romantically, and if they're willing to jump through hoops for my attention, that's all the more squirmy for me.

 

So I'd consider this to be an altogether separate issue. First there's the one of peeling your focus off of ex and desensitizing yourself to him, and then there's everyone else. Unless and until you accomplish the first, anyone who might stand out from 'everyone else' is pretty much rebound territory.

 

 

Ahhhh, THANK YOU Catfeeder. With the unavailable guy, i think there is a strong mutual chemistry but not enough of the other things that count for what most people would class as a genuine relationship. If the first guy had the second guys attributes of thoughtfulness, etc, that would be amazing.

[catfeeder]

Ahhhh, THANK YOU Catfeeder. With the unavailable guy, i think there is a strong mutual chemistry but not enough of the other things that count for what most people would class as a genuine relationship. If the first guy had the second guys attributes of thoughtfulness, etc, that would be amazing.

 

Yeah, chemistry isn't about playing build-a-bear with a bunch of attributes we can lay over people like a template to see if they fit. Think about your friendships and bonds with certain family members--we either hit it off with a unique simpatico, or we don't.

 

In terms of a lover, we only get to pick ONE person, at least at a time, if we're monogamous. So who we select to bond with isn't about settling for someone who looks good on paper. Unlike our ability to enjoy certain aspects of a friend or family member, our choice of lover excludes all others--so it's a big deal.

 

People who leapfrog from one lover to the next are taking a shiny-object approach to seeing who fits. We all do that to a certain degree while dating, but once most of us get sexual with someone there's this bonding thing that happens called 'cathexis'. Once that occurs, we usually need a period of 'catharsis' in order to feel even remotely ready to bond again with someone else.

 

That's natural, and it requires a keen self honesty along with a period of at least 21 days to form a new habit of refocusing. That doesn't mean we're healed enough in 21 days to leap into a new relationship, it's just how long it takes for the brain to form a new path of synapses for a new habit to 'take root' and feel natural.

 

So breaking from a lover won't start feeling 'better' in 21 days if that time is spent belaboring the break and focusing on the ex. A coach at work told us to write a list of all new habits we want to form, and to work on each, one at a time, over a 21 day period. Consider which habit you believe keeps you most anchored to feeling lousy about the ex--a certain ritual you engage that makes the rest of the day harder instead of easier. Then decide what behavior you want to adopt to change just that one thing. See what happens if you make that one small change for 21 days straight.

 

From there, you can identify the next thing you'll want to change.

 

This doesn't mean you can only make one small improvement during each 21 day period, it just gives you one specific goal at a time that you can test for measurement. Use these tests to build confidence while you tackle the rest of your life in the best and most creative ways you can.

 

Head high.