Emotional Neglect - Breaking the Bonds

[Silverbirch]

Yeah, chemistry isn't about playing build-a-bear with a bunch of attributes we can lay over people like a template to see if they fit. Think about your friendships and bonds with certain family members--we either hit it off with a unique simpatico, or we don't.

 

In terms of a lover, we only get to pick ONE person, at least at a time, if we're monogamous. So who we select to bond with isn't about settling for someone who looks good on paper. Unlike our ability to enjoy certain aspects of a friend or family member, our choice of lover excludes all others--so it's a big deal.

 

People who leapfrog from one lover to the next are taking a shiny-object approach to seeing who fits. We all do that to a certain degree while dating, but once most of us get sexual with someone there's this bonding thing that happens called 'cathexis'. Once that occurs, we usually need a period of 'catharsis' in order to feel even remotely ready to bond again with someone else.

 

That's natural, and it requires a keen self honesty along with a period of at least 21 days to form a new habit of refocusing. That doesn't mean we're healed enough in 21 days to leap into a new relationship, it's just how long it takes for the brain to form a new path of synapses for a new habit to 'take root' and feel natural.

 

So breaking from a lover won't start feeling 'better' in 21 days if that time is spent belaboring the break and focusing on the ex. A coach at work told us to write a list of all new habits we want to form, and to work on each, one at a time, over a 21 day period. Consider which habit you believe keeps you most anchored to feeling lousy about the ex--a certain ritual you engage that makes the rest of the day harder instead of easier. Then decide what behavior you want to adopt to change just that one thing. See what happens if you make that one small change for 21 days straight.

 

From there, you can identify the next thing you'll want to change.

 

This doesn't mean you can only make one small improvement during each 21 day period, it just gives you one specific goal at a time that you can test for measurement. Use these tests to build confidence while you tackle the rest of your life in the best and most creative ways you can.

 

Head high.

 

THANK YOU Catfeeder! Fantastic Postz, so much to think about and work out!

[Silverbirch]

Catfeeder, your post describes exactly my bond to him. I remember when I first became bonded to hi. Once we had become sexual and how powerful that felt, and how it changed the relationship - and me. I did not feel attracted to anyone else in the same way or anywhere like that level of attraction.

[catfeeder]

Catfeeder, your post describes exactly my bond to him. I remember when I first became bonded to hi. Once we had become sexual and how powerful that felt, and how it changed the relationship - and me. I did not feel attracted to anyone else in the same way or anywhere like that level of attraction.

 

It's great that you've identified exactly when this occurred. This can help you to understand why nobody else's flash is going to appeal to you in the same way unless and until you venture to form that same degree of a bond.

 

The good news about that is, the period before cathexis allows you a reasonable detachment, which you can use to your advantage. It gives you a clearer vantage point to be smart and selective about the person with whom you'll want to form such a bond--especially now that you can see how difficult it is to 'undo'.

 

So your disinterest in all others isn't a bad thing, it's a good thing. It demo's that adult relationships are not, and shouldn't be, disposable and interchangeable. But it also shows you WHY you're having trouble detaching. By arming yourself with this knowledge, you can choose to make your attachment to your ex less about some cosmic 'meant-to-be' deal, and more about understanding that YOU formed that bond--which means that you CAN unform it.

[Ms Darcy]

Ahhhh, THANK YOU Catfeeder. With the unavailable guy, i think there is a strong mutual chemistry but not enough of the other things that count for what most people would class as a genuine relationship. If the first guy had the second guys attributes of thoughtfulness, etc, that would be amazing.

 

I think you may be limiting yourself here. I don't think any nice person who is interested is that right person for you. I am saying, as Batya often says, you have to be the right person to find the right person. And if as reinvent says, if you are in the place where you are engaged in a push-pull with someone that is un/covering childhood wounds, then there's little likelihood that you (not necessarily YOU) would be able to see the abundance of men who can be emotionally available to you.

 

Anyway, I think I will bow out here. Good luck on your relationship with this guy.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, that, or the one who's interested just isn't the right guy, regardless of all else.

 

Most people are just not our match. I think it's healthy if you can't just transfer your focus onto the next available person, no matter how great he may look or seem.

 

There are plenty of perfectly wonderful men who don't move me romantically, and if they're willing to jump through hoops for my attention, that's all the more squirmy for me.

 

So I'd consider this to be an altogether separate issue. First there's the one of peeling your focus off of ex and desensitizing yourself to him, and then there's everyone else. Unless and until you accomplish the first, anyone who might stand out from 'everyone else' is pretty much rebound territory.

 

I think this misses the point. At no point did I say or suggest one should simply transfer focus on someone who seems more interested than another. The point was more about making an observation about what we are drawn to. Please stop extrapolating incorrectly from my posts.

[catfeeder]

I think this misses the point. At no point did I say or suggest one should simply transfer focus on someone who seems more interested than another. The point was more about making an observation about what we are drawn to. Please stop extrapolating incorrectly from my posts.

 

Ms Darcy, I respect you and your opinions, and I wasn't addressing your point at all beyond expanding in a different direction. That's not adversarial, and by leading with, "...that, or..." it wasn't even an attempt to dispute what you said.

 

We're allowed to get a little creative and multidimensional on here, aren't we?

 

It's all good,

Cat

[Silverbirch]

Mrs Darcy, I don't think anyone on this thread is discrediting your advice or opinions. I always value you advice and opinions. I'm sorry you seem to have taken offence.

[Silverbirch]

I had a phone call from D. I feel calm. He sounded happy to be speaking to me. Asked about my general well-being and what I had been up to. I noticed he got a bit flirty. In the past, I would have tAken such conversations to mean that he had strong feelings for me, but I didn't do that this time. I realised he likely has such conversations with other women too so no importance placed on that to me. I don't feel - as yet anyway - that the contact put me backwards, but it's not something I will be seeking out. I don't expect to hear from him again in the very near future. I have things to do here and it's a nice day. My current medical issues seem not so bad right now although still there.

[thornz]

Silverbirch, Rainycoast, Cheetarah and anyone else who feels it might apply . .

 

I found an article linked from the OP's article regarding PTSD from emotional neglect and it references emotional blocking or 'flashbacks' as he calls it and methods to resolve it.

 

 

 

I have also started a thread in the Personal Growth forum if anybody wants to discuss it further.

[Silverbirch]

Thank you Thirnz. I will check it out and your thread

[Silverbirch]

Thorns, I read the article and it ties in with what I remembered in therapy, but hadn't thought about in a while. I am pretty sure that the reason Zi take breakups so badly was due to a traumatic situation involving loss when I was around 6. I remembered also that after a breakup over 10 years ago, I felt just as I gad when I was that child who had been literally abandoned. There was more to it which I won't go into, but more than likely it predisposed me to forming anxious attachment in my most significant relationships.

[journeynow]

SB, you won't try No Contact?

[thornz]

Thorns, I read the article and it ties in with what I remembered in therapy, but hadn't thought about in a while. I am pretty sure that the reason Zi take breakups so badly was due to a traumatic situation involving loss when I was around 6. I remembered also that after a breakup over 10 years ago, I felt just as I gad when I was that child who had been literally abandoned. There was more to it which I won't go into, but more than likely it predisposed me to forming anxious attachment in my most significant relationships.

 

Hard to overcome that fear isn't it? Have you considered therapy again recently? Do you think it would be beneficial or are you doing OK?

[Silverbirch]

SB, you won't try No Contact?

 

JN, I'm not calling him and haven't for some time. I can't bring myself to do the full NC - partly because of him having had a high grade cancer. Regardless of whether I am with him or not, I know that if it returns, Ai would be devastated - but would be far worse if I had gone full NC - and he does live 3 hours away. I'm feeling okay right now.

[Silverbirch]

Hard to overcome that fear isn't it? Have you considered therapy again recently? Do you think it would be beneficial or are you doing OK?

 

I'm happy for my therapist that he retired. Sounds silly, but now he is gone, I don't want to go through that all again with a new therapist (going into so much detail about my childhood, teens and the rest). I had see. Him for years and achieved a lot. He was a psychiatrist.

 

Right now, I do see a lady counsellor with s social worker background who is wonderful, but ATM, we are focusing on some more immediate issues - my health and employment, but are planning to discuss relationships etc later. I think she is wonderful. She does challenge my beliefs about myself and seeing her does help a lot.

[Seraphim]

Your sympathy gets the best of you , you know. His cancer is HIS issue. Either way you are not going to affect his cancer but his crap treatment of you DOES effect you.

[Silverbirch]

Your sympathy gets the best of you , you know. His cancer is HIS issue. Either way you are not going to affect his cancer but his crap treatment of you DOES effect you.

 

 

Vic, I just can't bring myself to do it. If his cancer returns, I will be a lot less involved than I was before. I can understand why people would consider me weak because of not going full NC, but I can't. I would be a total basket case.

[Seraphim]

But why would you be a basket case?

[Silverbirch]

Vic, I would feel the same if and when something happens to my sons father. I'm not in love with my sons father, haven't been with him for more than 20 years. I would say the type of love I have for him has changed, but I most definitely do love my sons father. If he was in need, I would offer to help.

 

I up pose I am hoping that the type of love I have felt for D will change as well, and I do see that as a real possibility. I know for sure that I don't want a sexual relationship with him anymore. With the breakup with G which totally devastated me, we remained LC although after a short while, I left contact up to him. He still contacts me from time to time. I wish him well, but feel absolutely nothing romantic for him. If he was very ill, I would want to know. I don't know why I am like this. It's just part of who I am. I only have one ex - R - who I don't want any contact with although he did contact me when his mother died. I was kind to him when he contacted me during the times following his mother's death, but would not be with him, go to her funeral, not see him at all.

[Seraphim]

I can see why you would be concerned about your son's father.

[Silverbirch]

I loved him enough once to marry him and have a child with him. He was my best friend. Too bad he is gay.

[Seraphim]

I loved him enough once to marry him and have a child with him. He was my best friend. Too bad he is gay.

 

I can totally see why one would be worried about their child's father because that affects them and their child. Even my mom still cares about my dad in a way and in a large part because anything that happens to him happens to her children.

[Silverbirch]

Right now at this moment, I am feeling some peace and acceptance that D was never invested in the way I was, that to him, at best, I was a friend who he was once having sex with. That doesn't make a "relationship" of course. I think I'm starting to let go of him.

[Silverbirch]

I came across something online which reminded me of a group I attended over 10 years ago which I liked very much, and got a lot out of. That particular group is no longer running which is sad as a lot of people attended and friendship formed and support given. That was also when I lived in the city and no such group runs for hundreds of miles from where I am. It was Adult Children of Alcoholics, and I'm certain a lot of my behaviours relating to abandonment fears and self-esteem are related to that. It was a 12 step program with workbooks and programs and I saw a lot of other people improve their outlooks, behaviour and lives. I will try and read through from their site a little each day.