Emotional Neglect - Breaking the Bonds

[Silverbirch]

At some point we have to cut our parents loose. Not carry on within ourselves any unhealthy pattern we learned under their care. We surely hope our own kids won't be blaming us for their difficulties the remainder of their lives. Our parents didn't decide to have kids in order to mess them up. They did what they could, and we wouldn't be here without them.

 

JN, I understand why my parents were that way. I'm not angry at the. They were children themselves with childre and they did the best they could. I just need to break my own patterns of behaviour and self-image. Thank you ((()))

[Silverbirch]

Mrs Darcy, I think that for each of us, our own wounds created a dynamic that kept the interactions going. I'm done with him.

 

At some point we have to cut our parents loose. Not carry on within ourselves any unhealthy pattern we learned under their care. We surely hope our own kids won't be blaming us for their difficulties the remainder of their lives. Our parents didn't decide to have kids in order to mess them up. They did what they could, and we wouldn't be here without them.

 

This is one part I neglected in my post but Reinvent got at. When you posted the article about neglect in children, I thought you were talking about your own childhood. Who cares about his childhood (as you basically say in your next post.) It's your own family of origin and patterns growing up you should focus on - not as a crutch but as a way to understand and move forward.

[Seraphim]

Maybe I a, wrong Jig, but I always thought they chose me. By the time I realised things weren't right, I was emotionally invested and at cost to myself, my self-respect, confidence and self-esteem, I thought my love would be enough. I would do whatever it took to fix things.

 

Hugs Jig, I'm ready to do what it takes

 

Hun,

 

The fairytale story is that love is enough and love can fix things. T'aint true. That is Hollywood crapola. If you have to undermine your self esteem,your self-respect and yourself love . That is not love and you are not loving you . And it's not a surprise it doesn't work .

[RainyCoast]

google THOUGHTS CONCERNING THE CAUSA FINALIS OF

THE COGNITIVE MODE INHERENT IN

PRE-OEDIPAL PSYCHOPATHOLOGY

By

Gertrud B. Ujhely, Ph. D., R. N.

 

i would read the part about the magical level of consciousness. even though the paper mentions the magical plane polarization in regard to the personality disordered, i am not implying that is the case. it's just as you've noticed growing up with a certain parenting style will leave you compulsively codependent.

 

if you're completely honest, how happy have you been with your therapists?

[Silverbirch]

Hun,

 

The fairytale story is that love is enough and love can fix things. T'aint true. That is Hollywood crapola. If you have to undermine your self esteem,your self-respect and yourself love . That is not love and you are not loving you . And it's not a surprise it doesn't work .

 

 

Hugs, Hugs, Hugs Vic. Right now I hate him for the years of how he has been and angry at myself for being pathetic

[Silverbirch]

google THOUGHTS CONCERNING THE CAUSA FINALIS OF

THE COGNITIVE MODE INHERENT IN

PRE-OEDIPAL PSYCHOPATHOLOGY

By

Gertrud B. Ujhely, Ph. D., R. N.

 

i would read the part about the magical level of consciousness. even though the paper mentions the magical plane polarization in regard to the personality disordered, i am not implying that is the case. it's just as you've noticed growing up with a certain parenting style will leave you compulsively codependent.

 

if you're completely honest, how happy have you been with your therapists?

 

Thank you Rainycoast. I will read this tonight.

 

I felt I benefitted from my therapist, but he retired many years ago.

 

What I need more than therapy is to do rather than talk.

[RainyCoast]

the subject really helped me keep away from an ex after a long period of codependence. i hope youfind a helpful T. best of luck!

[Seraphim]

Hugs, Hugs, Hugs Vic. Right now I hate him for the years of how he has been and angry at myself for being pathetic

 

You are in no way pathetic. Not.At.All. There is only up from here sunshine!

[Silverbirch]

thanyou Rainycoast and Vic. I appreciate your posts.

[Ms Darcy]

Mrs Darcy, I think that for each of us, our own wounds created a dynamic that kept the interactions going. I'm done with him.

 

I don't know anything at all but if this makes sense/connects with you then think about it ...

 

You seem to have a lot of emotions (anger, sadness) directed at your ex. At the same time you seem far more forgiving of your parents. Perhaps you have transferred some of those negative feelings (anxiety, anger, feelings of neglect) from your parents to the ex. I'm not saying you have to be angry at your parents. Just saying that sometimes feeling a little anger towards your family of origin can be helpful in making a breakthrough.

[Silverbirch]

J

I don't know anything at all but if this makes sense/connects with you then think about it ...

 

You seem to have a lot of emotions (anger, sadness) directed at your ex. At the same time you seem far more forgiving of your parents. Perhaps you have transferred some of those negative feelings (anxiety, anger, feelings of neglect) from your parents to the ex. I'm not saying you have to be angry at your parents. Just saying that sometimes feeling a little anger towards your family of origin can be helpful in making a breakthrough.

 

Thanks Mrs Darcy. When Zi had the eating disorder,mai had therapy. At that time, I had a lot of anger towards my parents and worked through that with the psych. I also had a confrontation with my father, holding him accountable for his behaviours towards us and our mother. I didn't speak to my father for several months. Then he approached me and I know was genuinely sorry for his actions. I sincerely forgave my father and had a good relationship with him after that. The same has happened with my mother. She still apologises to us for things she did and said. We do forgive her.

 

This is the first time I have ever felt genuine anger and disgust with my ex. Some of it, I'm not posting about on the boards. I have shared in message with another member. I don't believe that my ex has ever been sorry for his ty selfish behaviour, and I doubt very much he ever will be. He simply doesn't care about anyone but himself.

[Silverbirch]

Even though I have forgiven my parents for years, the beliefs about myself and the behaviour I relapse to - thinking if I can be really, really good, I will be loved - if I can just be better than I am, I will be loved, trying to fix things, appease - so far, I have failed at all of this. Difference is that I have given up - I can't do it anymore.

[RainyCoast]

I can't do it anymore.

then abdicate the ego-ideal. if you are clearly not it- what are you?

 

you have forgiven the people who have scarred you. even if it had been your duty to reconcile, to appease, to save, to fix and you have failed at it- you can forgive yourself for being a fallible human being. fallible humans are worthy of all the love too- that, you have proven by loving to excess where others would not.

 

you are not part of a dyad. if you connect with someone, it is a pair of you plus them, not an Us conglomerate. thus, if you leave, you haven't amputated half of them. if you had done so, they would have been free to find another half. knowing this type of Other half, you know that when they are half, they are nothing. but when you're their other half, it makes a nothing out of you. had they never convinced you you are a mere half responsible for keeping the entire organism alive- you would never have failed at this coercive and twisted task of saving zombies. you see? you're not worthless for failing at something which cannot be anything other but predestined to fail. and you don't believe that you have a better self than this one because you've never been yourself. you've been half of them. i notice that people who live like that develop an uncanny ability to retreat deep deep into their core where the Half can't hear their thoughts, values, feelings- their true Self. Do you "retreat"? What do you find when you do? I bet at times...you get at least a glimpse of the individual you, who is very lovable.

[Silverbirch]

Rainycoast, often I gave felt I am not of this world. I feel other people's and creatures pain. A lot of my life, I felt Zi just didn't fit. I was often told Zi was "different" - I still am sometimes. I don't think I knew of another half. I don't remember it.

[Silverbirch]

I'm not sure how to answer about retreating - sometimes Part of me retreats from people, but most people see me as outgoing, but they mostly just see the happy me. If I retreat from people, I always have animals, nature, ROSES, books and art, and even music.

[RainyCoast]

i did feel like i was forcefully glued into a siamese couple, but it must not be how one feels it in every case. i think some of us act as if these broken people who hold us hostage are part of the dyad which is us. overprotective or addicted parents for example. i thought if i did anything i needed to do for myself my mother would literally die. and she really would have- she would've done herself in because she literally wouldn't survive without the other part of the dyad. i was tactile defensive for so long- because closensess was too close, it was disgusting and this type of other always felt way worse than just intrusive- more like merged, intertwined. the angering part is that if you're the one with the better ethical component, you're the blood-pumping half and hence feel responsible for saving people and staying around even when they totally gross you out. the good thing about having the better ethical component is you've corrected your higher self into one with far better qualities than it would've had had it stayed the way your family shaped it. so you're a whole lot very good things already.

 

i'm impressed you summoned the power to face your parents, wait after that and actually have them reconcile. you've already known, felt, stated and acted as an individual who isn't destined to anything she doesn't stand for. that is badass.

[Silverbirch]

Thank you Rainycoast. At times I felt like that with my mother. She was born with an autoimmune disorder. She spent her mid childhood to early thirties in remission and it returned when I was 11 and she was pregnant with her fourth child. I was called: "The Little Mother". With the partner though, I was not the Siamese twin - I don't think. He told me sometimes he could not connect to anyone - but that I was the closest he came to connecting with. That may have just been something to say in the bedroom though. Yes, probably. He would rather spend his time alone in solitary activities. I. Opposite to him in most ways.

[catfeeder]

This is the first time I have ever felt genuine anger and disgust with my ex. Some of it, I'm not posting about on the boards. I have shared in message with another member. I don't believe that my ex has ever been sorry for his ty selfish behaviour, and I doubt very much he ever will be. He simply doesn't care about anyone but himself.

 

This new anger is actually good. Ride the wave and allow it to give you a strength that's new to you also.

 

Research '5 Stages of Grief' and understand that anger, along with denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance, is one of the cycles we need to work through in order to successfully process grief. These aren't neat and linear stages, but rather messy and often overlapping facets of grieving that feel lousy, but actually help us to heal.

 

If you've never reached anger with your ex before, then that could answer why you've been stuck in the denial and bargaining stages that allowed your ex's return. So use the anger to move you past those danger zones.

 

I've always found it helpful to make a private goal of surprising everyone, including myself, with my resiliency and ability to bounce back into a newly inspired life of creativity and generosity. This commitment to my Self helped move me past a single minded focus on ex, and it enabled me to form new bonds with the friends and family I'd neglected along with new friends who've added new dimension to my life.

 

Head high.

[Ms Darcy]

Even though I have forgiven my parents for years, the beliefs about myself and the behaviour I relapse to - thinking if I can be really, really good, I will be loved - if I can just be better than I am, I will be loved, trying to fix things, appease - so far, I have failed at all of this. Difference is that I have given up - I can't do it anymore.

 

Thanks for sharing about your parents. You really have done a lot of good work there with those feelings. And you understand the residual connections to how you have gone about relationships.

[Cheetarah]

Oh, SB girlfriend, you are singing my song. Well, the one I don't sing anymore, but it was on repeat for a long time.

 

You know my history with the ex and I've often said that it was a repeat(albeit a more severe one) of pretty much every other relationship I had. They were all emotionally unavailable, but you know what...So was I. I had the wounded bird syndrome or whatever someone said, but I was as wounded as they were. I wanted to 'make right' the stuff from my past through these relationships. If I could win over the unavailable, then I was worth it.

 

And so I bypassed people who WERE available because that didn't make me feel wanted, or needed. It didn't coincide with this strange goal of mine. I knew that deep down, I felt fearful of true intimacy therefore I was safe with trying to win over the unavailable. If I would have been with someone who was available to me, I would have felt lost. I would have and did walk away from it, because it had the potential to be real and genuine. And I didn't know what to do with that.

 

Even though I hurt myself time and time again, somehow I rationalized to myself that the pain of pursuing the unavailable was easier and preferable to the pain of being vulnerable with a genuine, open person. And I suppose it was then. The unavailable was safe despite all the grief it caused.

 

And now I think about the people I've been with and how in some way, shape or form, they behaved as parental figures to me. There was 'rebellion' on my end, a typical dynamic but something snapped inside me with the ex, and I started to resent it...I didn't want that anymore. I didn't know what I wanted, but I knew it wasn't that.

 

So as you know I've been taking the last few years to figure out just what it is that I want. I have a clearer idea now, though I'm not particularly interested in finding it right now.

 

I wish I could write more, I will try to come back to the thread later tonight. Hugs. I've watched you tangle with him for a long time. I hope you cut him out of your life for good and let the real healing begin.

[kathy679]

Your post sounds very similar to a relationship I was in 3 years ago. Every time he treated me badly there would be a cooling off period then I would forgive him. Therefore the cycle would continue. Eventually it got to the point where I didn't no who I was anymore without him. Then he did something that not even I could forgive so the cycle broke.

It took a very long time to mend myself and find myself again but I did it and you will too.

There will come a day where you will break the cycle size rather sooner than later.

It is after all the best thing for the long run.

 

Now I see the girl he cheated on me with is still in that cycle and Now I'm objective about it I'm in a much better place then she is. I'm putting me first. You will see in the long run that will be best for you too

[Silverbirch]

This new anger is actually good. Ride the wave and allow it to give you a strength that's new to you also.

 

Research '5 Stages of Grief' and understand that anger, along with denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance, is one of the cycles we need to work through in order to successfully process grief. These aren't neat and linear stages, but rather messy and often overlapping facets of grieving that feel lousy, but actually help us to heal.

 

If you've never reached anger with your ex before, then that could answer why you've been stuck in the denial and bargaining stages that allowed your ex's return. So use the anger to move you past those danger zones.

 

I've always found it helpful to make a private goal of surprising everyone, including myself, with my resiliency and ability to bounce back into a newly inspired life of creativity and generosity. This commitment to my Self helped move me past a single minded focus on ex, and it enabled me to form new bonds with the friends and family I'd neglected along with new friends who've added new dimension to my life.

 

Head high.

 

Thank you so much Catfeeder. Yes, I've never experienced this anger with him before and have been stuck in those cycles of denial, bargains and sometimes depression. I will try hard to get over this.

[Silverbirch]

Thanks for sharing about your parents. You really have done a lot of good work there with those feelings. And you understand the residual connections to how you have gone about relationships.

 

Thank you for the support and encouragement and encouragement Mrs Dsrcy. I appreciate that.

[Silverbirch]

Oh sorry Chhet. I had a long rep,y to you almost finished, but I lost it.m will come back and try again.

[journeynow]

Thank you so much Catfeeder. Yes, I've never experienced this anger with him before and have been stuck in those cycles of denial, bargains and sometimes depression. I will try hard to get over this.

 

I agree with the value of anger. It's a powerful energy that can be harnessed as fuel to propel one forward. I don't know that any of those phases need to be "gotten over", but they are worth recognizing, seeing what they've offered, what you've learned (especially about self, the pros and cons and pros) along the way, processed and moved through. Whatever you do, don't kick yourself when you're down. Pretty please? It's natural, we all tend to do it to ourselves, but it helps no one, least of all The World.