Am I crazy for wanting to date a girl with a child that isn't mine?

[tiredofvampires]

As much as that frustrates me just because of what he has done to her, honestly it would bug me. A lot actually. I mean only because it would just be an added worry that if they are already friendly to each other, doesn't that open up a door for her to cheat on me with him? Or leave me for him?

 

If you can't trust her not to cheat on you -- either with him or with any other man, which could happen as well -- what does that say about your relationship?

 

Also, if she might go back to a man who has broken her face, what does that say about her emotional stability?

 

For you to ask this question, you are either extremely insecure, or she is extremely deluded to think she has recovered from whatever emotional issues she has to work through. And neither one is good news for you, in terms of having a mature relationship with her.

 

By the way, I added a few more things to my last post, Kyl. And relating to those things (and what Clinton is saying), this may feel like a refreshing change from the life you lead before. Finally, personal responsibility, and you demonstrating it. But what do you want to do with your life? How are you going to support yourself, or anyone around you?

 

Do you want to become good at something other than being the father you never had, or the father countless young women (and men) never had? It's important not to define your whole life by your past, but to find things in yourself to cultivate to be proud of accomplishing.

[Kyl]

If you can't trust her not to cheat on you -- either with him or with any other man, which could happen as well -- what does that say about your relationship?

 

Also, if she might go back to a man who has broken her face, what does that say about her emotional stability?

 

For you to ask this question, you are either extremely insecure, or she is extremely deluded to think she has recovered from whatever emotional issues she has to work through. And neither one is good news for you, in terms of having a mature relationship with her.

 

By the way, I added a few more things to my last post, Kyl.

 

I mean she has done all she can to convince me that she hates this guys guts, wants him to die, go away, leave her and her daughter alone, she feels nothing for him, says he's disgusting, etc etc. I do want to trust her I really do and she has given me no reason not to. But in the past I've had relationships with women who went back to their ex and that affected me very negatively so it's kinda like a paranoia/fear at this point almost like I'm afraid history will repeat itself.

I want to believe her. But due to some dramatic experiences from my past, it's just tough. Even more in this situation considering they share a CHILD together. They have potential to be a family and that is just really scary to me. Which is why I have yet to completely open up to her. So the fear of her leaving me stems from me being insecure. And I feel vulnerable. My girlfriend and her ex share so much history and she and I have just started a relationship. I feel as if I can't compete. Even though I shouldn't have to.

 

Replying to what you added on your original post:

Yeah I agree it could be me needing to satisfy a responsibility or the feeling of doing something right. I mean I feel bad for her and her daughter. And I mean I say I don't know if I love her yet only because it's a little too soon going by social standards to throw the I love you around. We aren't at that point yet. But I want to be in love with her.

[notalady]

In my view, it's often when one isn't over someone that they express hatred for them, it stems from unresolved feelings that became anger and hate. For someone who is over the ex, I would expect a much calmer, non-emotional reaction when speaking about the ex.

[Kyl]

In my view, it's often when one isn't over someone that they express hatred for them, it stems from unresolved feelings that became anger and hate. For someone who is over the ex, I would expect a much calmer, non-emotional reaction when speaking about the ex.

 

I was thinking the exact same thing.

[notalady]

I was thinking the exact same thing.

 

Yes. So if I were you I would've been very cautious about starting something with someone who has a child, taking time getting to know them and leave at the first sign of them having unresolved issues with an ex such as expressing anger and hatred towards them. This could've been easily revealed within the first several dates. Instead you started by hooking up with her at the start, then find yourself becoming emotionally attached and just fell into a relationship without that assessment stage at the start, then started really thinking and having doubts about some of these critical issues. You know you had been burnt before with your dates going back to an ex or leaving you for someone else but had not learned from it or developed dating skills to prevent this from happening again (such as critically assessing right from the start if someone is serious relationship material and if they have unresolved issues, if they are emotionally available for a healthy relationship). Not criticising you for it, it simply shows your age and lack of a level of maturity to your dating approach, that often only comes with having experienced these kind of things and having learned the lesson the hard way. So I think now is a good time for you to think about all that, it's part of your self development and growth.

[TMifune]

I love everything about her. I am not in love with her yet because it's too early to tell but I could see myself in love with her in the future. She's just right for me, we've both been through a lot of similar experiences for better or for worse and we really relate. Our chemistry is off the charts. It's just my ideal relationship.

 

You don't know her well enough to say this yet. What people call 'chemistry' is really just sexual attraction...usually reciprocal sexual attraction. That's all you have right now. And this isn't to be rough, but how has she changed? How has she taken responsibility for the situation that she's in? Why was she having unprotected sex with a man who's in and out of prison and punches her in the face?

 

My Dad passed away when I Was 15, but I lost him to drug addiction when I was around 12. So I know what it's like to not have a Dad around due to whatever reason. And I can't help but have sympathy for this poor little girl who was brought into this Earth by a man who just abandoned her.

 

You can't make peace with your father by leaping in like captain-save-a-ho without having really come to grips with what happened to you and how it's affected you. And the way you're leaping in proves to me that you haven't You're not crazy, but you are projecting something you want to fix in your own life onto a helpless one-year old.

 

And while it's great that you want to make sure she has a father, it's also irresponsible. Not because raising her would be throwing your life away, but because the situation is volatile. It's irresponsible of her to have you this involved in her daughter's life this soon. Every time you play with that little girl, she's bonding with you. And when this whole thing blows up, and it almost certainly will blow up if you're both sitting on as much unresolved baggage as I think you are, then you'll be the second man to break that little girl's heart.

 

I think you should spend some time thinking about whether you can really avoid being the villain instead of thinking about playing the hero.

[Capttrae]

It takes a certain kind of man to step in and be a step dad. It's too soon for that commitment right now, but, as you and the young lady continue to get to know each other just realize that they come as a package deal, there's no getting one and not the other. As for your friends making fun of you screw them, for ppl like above poster asking what kind of woman has unprotected sex w/ someone like the child's father, I'm really doubting they are perfect either. Just take it slowly and be sure of your decisions. They won't just affect 2 adults now they will also affect a child.

[TMifune]

It takes a certain kind of man to step in and be a step dad. It's too soon for that commitment right now, but, as you and the young lady continue to get to know each other just realize that they come as a package deal, there's no getting one and not the other. As for your friends making fun of you screw them, for ppl like above poster asking what kind of woman has unprotected sex w/ someone like the child's father, I'm really doubting they are perfect either. Just take it slowly and be sure of your decisions. They won't just affect 2 adults now they will also affect a child.

 

I'm not saying I'm prefect. I'm saying that you can't look at this girl like she's a victim here. She made choices. And why she made those choices is of paramount importance to looking at whether this relationship can really go anywhere and whether an innocent little girl is going to get her heart broken again.

[Capttrae]

I'm not saying I'm prefect. I'm saying that you can't look at this girl like she's a victim here. She made choices. And why she made those choices is of paramount importance to looking at whether this relationship can really go anywhere and whether an innocent little girl is going to get her heart broken again.

 

I didn't say she was a victim, I basically said he can't hold her previous life choices against her. We have all made mistakes

[jjkk]

I didn't say she was a victim, I basically said he can't hold her previous life choices against her. We have all made mistakes

 

Our past choices tell people a lot about who we are. There's a big difference in holding people's past against them and using the information to determine if they are the kind of people we want to be close to. I personally feel that she's still showing she's unstable by letting a guy she's really only known for a couple of months have so much interaction with her baby. It's not smart on her part.

 

OP, I'd strongly suggest you take a HUGE step back and give the relationship w/ the mother a lot of time...as long as it takes for the honeymoon period to wear off (like AT LEAST 6-7 months, preferably more like a year) before you jump in and get to know the baby. Unless you are very certain this relationship is a lasting one, leave the baby out of it.

[DoF]

Yes you are. You are way too young. And clearly this girl has made some BIG mistakes.

 

You should be focusing on education and your future/career. Not taking care of other people's kids.

 

Also, this girl will NEVER EVER make you a priority in life. As she shouldn't (as a single mother). To me that's a deal breaker. If I'm not someone's priority in life, there is no relationship. I won't settle for #2.

 

And even if she was to make you a priority in time/over her child.....she would simply be a bad mother.

 

I won't even get into baby daddy drama.

 

End it....

[TMifune]

I didn't say she was a victim, I basically said he can't hold her previous life choices against her. We have all made mistakes

 

Well, yes and no. It depends on how much responsibility she's taken for her own circumstances, vs. how much she pretends that things "just happened". The heart of the matter isn't to blame her but to question whether she's taken responsibility for her choices. Understanding our choices and taking responsibility for them is the only thing that truly frees us from the cycles of the past.

 

I also challenged the OP to look at his issues with his father, because I think he's trying to fix something from his life by trying to be a father to this little girl. And stepping up is commendable, but if he doesn't see why he's doing it, and she's not taking responsibility for her choices, then the whole thing's going to explode and a little girl who doesn't actually have the autonomy to do or say anything about it is going to get caught in the blast.

[DoF]

I didn't say she was a victim, I basically said he can't hold her previous life choices against her. We have all made mistakes

 

History is the ONLY and BEST indicator of the future.

 

She has made POOR choices and chances are, she will continue to make them.....

[notalady]

Well, yes and no. It depends on how much responsibility she's taken for her own circumstances, vs. how much she pretends that things "just happened". The heart of the matter isn't to blame her but to question whether she's taken responsibility for her choices. Understanding our choices and taking responsibility for them is the only thing that truly frees us from the cycles of the past.

 

I also challenged the OP to look at his issues with his father, because I think he's trying to fix something from his life by trying to be a father to this little girl. And stepping up is commendable, but if he doesn't see why he's doing it, and she's not taking responsibility for her choices, then the whole thing's going to explode and a little girl who doesn't actually have the autonomy to do or say anything about it is going to get caught in the blast.

 

Spot on.

 

Right now, OP you don't even know if things will work out with this woman. You've only been dating a few months, so that's of course normal. But if it doesn't work out, which is very likely considering a lot of relationships fail within the first 6 months, the child will have lost another father figure (which is what she sees you as). The little girl will grow up with father figures coming and going from her life, she'll learn not to trust or bond with men because they all eventually leave her (when things don't work out between these men and her mum) but will keep dating men who eventually leave her because that's the interaction with men she's used to. Unless you can say for sure you will stay in this child's life, I suggest you stop spending time with her or bond with her, only to break her heart later.

 

Good intentions doesn't always yield good results.

[Cheetarah]

I'm not really liking that she has you so involved with the little girl, so early on. I agree to step back from the little girl and let your relationship with your girlfriend build and grow further.

 

I'm 14 years older than you and a single mother with sole custody and an uninvolved ex, so let me tell you...My son is 3.5 and the only people he's been introduced to are my family and friends. I saw a guy for about 2 months recently and there's no way I could imagine having introduced them and letting them build any bond. I didn't even show him pictures of my son. And it's a good thing I didn't do that because I only saw him for 2 months!

 

I don't fault you for having a soft spot and there's nothing wrong with liking a girl who has a child. So what if your friends make fun...BUT, you don't really know your girlfriend yet. You have no way to feel out if this has the true potential for longevity. Know her first.

[Wiseman2]

She had this child with him and unfortunately that was her choice. As noble as your intentions seem, it's for her and the court ordered child support to support the child.

 

Try not to let this cloud your decisions 6545958]Our chemistry is off the charts

[IAmFCA]

Fast forward a year. Are you and your gf still together? Two years? If so, then this relationship with the daughter and her mom could grow into one of the most rewarding of your life.

 

If not, you will break two hearts, no three, your own, the most. The daughter will recover.

 

Please advance SLOWLY. More slowly than seems logical.

 

And YES if it works, go for it. Get rid of that jealousy you feel. Your gf is not a mountain to be scaled first by you and then your flag planted in victory. She is a woman who could have aborted this child, and instead she chose to devote her life to her. If you choose to love her, love them both and do not turn back.

 

Also, begin to read about relationship dynamics. Anything by John Guttman will be helpful. Relationships over the long haul require skills few of us learn ahead of time. I wish we did.

[SooSad33]

First of all.. do not feel 'bad' for this little girl. I am sure she has plenty of love from Mom.

I did many years as a single mom and my boys did not 'lack' with love. They got it from myself & many family members, etc.

 

2nd). I feel YOU are getting a little to wound up in all of this. There should be NO jealousy involved!

If so.. maybe YOU need some help ? Do you think maybe you are 'suffering' from your own past.. which is bringing up these 'emotions' re: this child??

 

3rd) "I just want her to know that not all men are going to abandon her in her life."

- she does NOT feel this.. she is only one! It's all about YOU right now!

 

Your gf NEEDS to learn how to get by.. on her own and not bring a bf of 1-3 months into such expectations & responsibility.

This is silly!

Your chemistry is off the charts right now becuase this is the 'honeymoon phase'. Things are always great.. in the beginning.

 

Slow down.. back off a bit and just ENJOY your time with this gal. If you don't you're going to cause too much comotion & issue's really fast!

Be her boyfriend and that's it. NO expectations. ( YOU are not a god).

[abitbroken]

I recommend casually dating her for now (casual - chaste, proper dates) - but not meeting her daughter. I think that you should also spend equal if not more time with friends (guys). And I recommend getting to know her, but not getting serious yet.

 

I recommend that you see a counselor to work through some of your grief and other concerns - otherwise you will be trying to "make right" by stepping in as a dad or having a kid early to do what your dad was not able to do for you.

[Ms Darcy]

I like how people on this site have different perspectives based on their experiences. And it's clear to me that the folks with kids (Clinton, silver, jjkk. Cheet ..etc) brought up directly or indirectly their initial posts the most important concern here.

 

It is way too soon for you to get to know this child. You have only been with the mom for three months, you are in the honeymoon phase, you have doubts about the girls and her ex, and who knows how long the relationship will even last since relationships come and go.

 

So in the end it is fairly likely the little girl will be devastated by the loss of yet another man in her life and that troubles me the most.

 

Date the mom all you want, but an introduction to the child should mean things are very serious.

[Billie28]

This post has me very worried.

 

OP , you have mentioned NOTHING about the relationship with your girlfriend apart from chemistry and that she is perfect.

 

You know her for 12 weeks, the first 6 of which were casual hook ups only. The next 6 weeks hanging out with the kid.

 

Have you guys even had a proper date yet?

 

If you care for this kid, you would back right off before you do more harm than good.

 

You should also back right off from your gf since you don't trust her, won't in the future allow her to have contact with her ex, even though she will have to! It's not your place to try and interfere with that.

 

YOU have a lot of issues that you need to work on before you can even contemplate taking on a role in this kids life. And until you do that you should not even contemplate a relationship with anyone, never mind a complicated one.

 

You seem to have abandonment issues, trust issues and fear of rejection.

I suggest you see a psychologist about these.

[Roland Reese]

]

 

Am strolling with my 1 year & a half baby boy, i found ideal strollers here bestjoggingstroller.reviews. I always find time for them.. even with my hectic schedule. My girlfriend is 28 and i am 24

[Wiseman2]

Is this a troll post? What's the screen shot for?

]

 

Am strolling with my 1 year & a half baby boy, i found ideal strollers here I always find time for them.. even with my hectic schedule. My girlfriend is 28 and i am 24