Unreliable Bridesmaid

[indea08]

Finally getting married!!!

 

-Bridesmaid 2 has been my closest friend for years but is a known flake, blows me off often, shows up 3 hrs late, etc.

 

-Wedding is in Ohio, I'm in California until a week before the wedding.

 

-Flew home for a week to handle details, asked bridesmaids what day they want me to book dress shopping appts and confirmed with them two months in advance.

 

-I ONLY have this week to make sure everything is handled, I do not trust her to buy a dress on her own (as I said, she's not reliable).

 

-She calls me to tell me she can't make it, didn't get request off work from her side job (waitress). No other days are free the entire time I'm here.

 

-I do not trust her to be available for rehearsal, bachelorette party, and honestly after all this, I do not trust her to leave me hanging at the last second and bail.

 

-I want to enjoy this, I don't want drama.

 

Would you replace her in the bridal party or hope that things work out smoothly and just walk away after the wedding?

[Snny]

Bridesmaid 2 has been my closest friend for years but is a known flake, blows me off often, shows up 3 hrs late, etc.

If you had known about this behavior before she became your bridesmaid, then you shouldn't have asked her in the first place. Unfortunately, it is what it is.

 

She calls me to tell me she can't make it, didn't get request off work from her side job (waitress). No other days are free the entire time I'm here.

If it's work related, I wouldn't hold it against her. That is not her "flaking out."

 

Are your bridesmaids all wearing the same style? If so I would send her the details and tell her that she must pick up her dress a few weeks before the wedding- and this is because in case she needs to make alterations (and that appointment has to be planned ahead). If she does not have her dress by then, then she needs to step down from the bridal party. As a bridesmaid it is her job to make sure she shows up to your wedding in the proper attire (and that is the ONLY thing you should ask of her).

 

I do not trust her to be available for rehearsal, bachelorette party, and honestly after all this, I do not trust her to leave me hanging at the last second and bail.

The rehearsal is only mandatory for the bride and groom. If you have a bridal party member who can't make it, don't hold it against them. They all should know how to walk down an aisle.

 

Whether she does or doesn't show up to the bachelorette party is on her. She is under no obligation to plan it- it is an optional party.

 

Would you replace her in the bridal party or hope that things work out smoothly and just walk away after the wedding?

Ok.. There is a difference between removing a bridal party member AND replacing one. And replacing a bridal party member is very rude on your part. It shows how you value her. And think about how AWKWARD it would feel for the girl who is replacing the original bridesmaid. She will think "Damn, I couldn't be asked to be a bridesmaid sooner until she dropped one of the girls... I guess I'm not that special to her if she couldn't ask me before." It would look like you are B-Listing a bridesmaid.

You will end up hurting both girls' feelings by replacing bridesmaids AND it could jeopardize your friendship with the other bridesmaids if they are also friends with them. That's not the kind of drama you want. You definitely don't want to start your marriage off by losing friends because of how you treated them over your wedding.

 

You do not need to have even bridal party members. Most weddings have uneven bridal members these days.

 

Asking a bridal party member to step down is friendship ending move. Are you sure about ending your friendship with this girl?

 

 

Personally with this wedding situation, I would ask TheKnot forums to give you a better answer.

[melancholy123]

I'd replace her with someone you can count on. Invite her to the wedding as a guest.

[sophie274]

I would ask her for her measurements, order the dress in the size that seems right and help her make sure she gets alterations done.

 

I wouldn't remove or replace her. I assume you picked her because you value her friendship and are close, and want to give her a special role on a special day for you, not because you need her to fulfill x or y duty. You might strike a big blow to your friendship by removing her; are you sure it's necessary? Yes, it's annoying to chase after someone, but I wouldn't say it's "drama". I don't think she has done anything egregiously wrong yet. If you don't want to stress, then resolve not to: give her the necessary information, and reassure yourself that even the worse case scenario (she doesn't turn up at the wedding - seems unlikely) isn't all that bad.

[Ms Darcy]

I'd replace her with someone you can count on. Invite her to the wedding as a guest.

 

I agree. I'd be afraid she wouldn't show up.

[IAmFCA]

My brother (usher) didn't make it to my wedding. Who cares. He is still part of my "crew", an usher by honor if not in deed. Life is big and long and the ties that bind us are stronger than having an even count of men and women.

 

Those of us who are unreliable, we know who we are and we know how we are and we know other people hate that and we know we've lost friendships and jobs because of it and he'll we'd probably lose our own friendship too. We can't stand being this way. It seems so simple, but for us, it's complicated. Not kidding; there are medical discussions on this topic.

 

Please find a way to help her and to have a back up plan. She knows she is being loved beyond what she has earned in this instance.

 

My friend now for ... 30 years - I put on my dress for her wedding in my car. I had no plan for getting hair, make up, nails done. I didn't do that sort of thing then. It never occurred to me. All the other bridesmaids had appointments. I didn't go to the Bachelorette party. I didn't like the venue. I love that gal with all my heart though. I'm glad she saw through me to find the good stuff. I'm better now and am flying to fulfill my role in another tradition soon. But then - I did my best, as inadequate as it was.

[treesandbees]

Congrats on your upcoming wedding. I would ask her if she thinks she is up to doing all this for you, and if not would it be better in her opinion if you got another to be involved because you are under stress and need to know all will work out way you hope for. Hopefully she understands and says replace me on her own. GL

[Snny]

I'd replace her with someone you can count on. Invite her to the wedding as a guest.

 

The OP will risk losing her as a friend if she does this, and there will be more drama- not just with her, but with her whole bridal party. I guarantee this will happen as I have seen it happen before in a wedding.

 

And replacing her with another friend.... It will be VERY awkward for for the replacement bridesmaid. She will feel that the OP is using her as a wedding prop because she wasn't originally asked beforehand. Like "Oh, I wasn't good enough to ask until you dropped someone?!"

 

If you MUST drop someone, don't replace. Because really, that is hurtful and awkward to the ex-bridesmaid who will see it when she attends the ceremony as a guest.

 

Please don't do this OP unless you are absolutely sure you no longer want this girl as a friend. As of now, she hasn't really done anything wrong.

 

Lurkers take note: be very careful who you select to be in your wedding party. Once someone accepts the bridesmaid offer, it is a done deal.

[lilypadgirl]

Congratulations!!

 

I agree that replacing her will be more drama for both her, her friend, and the new bridesmaid. OP, you can ask her in a gentle way if this is too much to take on given her busy schedule and give her the option to drop. Then just drop, don't replace.

 

But if she still wants to be a bridesmaid, then just keep her and know that you can't rely on her. So don't expect to. Just ask her for her dress size and order the bridesmaid dress for her. It's then up to her to get it altered if it doesn't fit.

 

Don't expect her to come to the rehearsal dinner and don't expect to rely on her for any decisions/tasks. Hope that she shows up at the wedding - if she can't be relied upon for that unless some major obstacle turned up, then this isn't someone I'd want to be friends with anyway. Just treat her as a special guest who has a coordinated outfit and a place to stand during the ceremony.

[abitbroken]

Only expect her to walk up the aisle at the wedding and share in your day. Do not put it upon her to do any planning. Choose a bridesmaid's dress, give her the picture, style, etc, and color and ask her to come try it on at her earliest convenience. Does she know the other bridesmaid's? If one or two of them is friends with her, is it so bad to have the 2 or three of them call eachother to go on an alternate day - when you have already chosen the dress but they go to lunch and have her try on the dress and go shop for shoes together or something? The alternate person would be your mom, if mom lives near her.

 

Or really, I would call her from the store and ask if you can give the sales lady her number.

 

 

-I do not trust her to be available for rehearsal, bachelorette party, and honestly after all this, I do not trust her to leave me hanging at the last second and bail.

 

The bachelorette party is the least important item here. When my sis got married, one bridesmaid did not attend because she was pregnant. She was 6.5 months and could muster the wedding, but the late night was too much for her. SHe wasnt even going to go there. I didn't attend her bachelorette party because I lived in another state and just couldn't make the trip any earlier to include it. The maid of honor had just gotten a new job and had to join later.

 

If she happily agreed to be a bridesmaid, she is not going to "bail" - you just have to take down your expectations down a notch.

 

Also, maybe check in with her to remind her to ask the night off for the rehearsal when you talk to her when you go back home. ANd maybe she is not available for a day of shopping, but you could see her for a quick coffee between her shifts to have some face time. THere are times I am not too busy to see someone - but I am too busy to spend a day with an unknown finish time.

 

And there is a point - if she is not the maid of honor - and she has to work through the rehearsal - for mine, we ran through with the person who could not attend the rehearsal verbally the day of the wedding. No biggie.

 

The other thing you have to consider - not everyone is at the same level financially. She may need every penny of that waitress job to pay for her dress, etc., and showing up to work when agreed is not flakey. Id be more concerned if she skipped out on work with a sick excuse to shop.

[abitbroken]

Please don't do this OP unless you are absolutely sure you no longer want this girl as a friend. As of now, she hasn't really done anything wrong.

 

Lurkers take note: be very careful who you select to be in your wedding party. Once someone accepts the bridesmaid offer, it is a done deal.

 

There is still major family controversy over something like this year's later in my family. Best to include her and don't task her with anything major. And remember, bridesmaids are witnesses, not party planners.

[tattoobunnie]

Have a heart to heart.

 

"It really hurt my feelings that you..."

 

"You are my dearest friend, and I need from you..."

 

Don't assume people know better - just be honest, and tell her what you need, why, and why her.

[Binoo]

I didn't even bother asking one of my closest friends to be in my wedding party for similar reason. You're going to be busy enough trying to get your own things sorted out and if someone accepts being in your party, the accept that they'll be asked to complete tasks and at a minimum be able to dress themselves. It's just more work for you, really. Have you talked to her about it?

[dizzyizzy]

Oh my!! I had a similar situation. I had three bridesmaids and all three were MIA for most of the preparations. It upset me greatly and truthfully has stayed with me. We are still friends and always will be but part of me can't help but feel miffed. Right up until the last week none of them had gone for dress alterations. They'd had their dresses ordered and needed a fitting. I'd even let them do it in their town with a fitter of their choice. I'd also allowed them to pick their own dress. Anyway,it got to the last week and basically said that either they got it done or they'd be walking down the aisle in a Onesie or naked. They got it done!! Frankly by that point id decided that I'd be getting married and if they weren't in the dress they picked they'd be the ones looking silly not me. Trust me when I say I was freaking out at their lack of interest but to em it's a wedding...not a life changing event..they have no clue how much it cost,how much stress you have,how little sleep you're having...they see you as being all consumed by 'just a day'. To you it's everything..to them it's a party.

My advice is to either sit them down and say how stressed you are and could they please help and that having their dresses ready would take off at least some of the stress....or do what I did...laugh and say they get it done or they'll be naked or looking very odd in non bridesmaid attire!! It works ..I promise! Then just have faith in them that they'll do it...if not..youve one less bridesmaid and you'll still be getting married and still getting your happy ever after. 👍😃

[bulletproof]

I think I would give her the info she needs to get things done and leave it at that. The worst that can happen is she drops the ball, and she doesn't make the wedding. Are you saying you would replace her because you have to have a certain number of bridesmaids? If so, why?

 

Bottom line is that the only people who need to show up are you, the groom, and the person officiating.