Toys in the Bedroom

[FlashG15]

Me (18) and my Girlfriend (24) were out at dinner with some close friends of ours and the topic switched to using toys, more specifically a vibrator/dildo. My girlfriend who's never used one said she would like to give one a try. Instantly I thought I wasn't doing enough in bed but I thought it was stupid to think that since I'd heard from her friend that she's bragged at how good I was. I decided to talk to her about it and said that I think we should get one and I could use it on her, I decided I'd rather be part of it than just let it happen secretly, she was nice enough to ask if I was comfortable and said if I wasn't then we didn't have to but I thought we should just go for it. I felt like this was already a big step for me as at this point I'd usually create a post about that and seek advice, but I decided to go for it and we ended up buying one from the internet. Another insecurity flagged up as I didn't want the vibrator to be bigger than me (I would say I'm average pushing 7", this is another thing I'm insecure about along with probably most men) fortunately it turned out smaller than what it looked like. We used it once we got it and she said it was good, not as good as when I'm performing oral sex on her but good.

 

Last night we were with some different friends and we were talking about it. We're quite an open couple and I feel like since being in this relationship I've matured a lot, talking about things like this would normally bother me but this is no longer the case, however small things spark up thoughts and make me my worse enemy. She got quiet and nervous when I asked if she'd used it since, I don't understand why since she has no reason to as I'm okay with that but since she became nervous I feel like I should be nervous about something or I shouldn't know if she's used it on her own.

Bottom line is I'm worried it will replace me and she'll become happier using the vibrator than when we have sex. At some points I feel like I'm being stupid and I need someone to tell me I'm being stupid but other thoughts flare up and I'm back to worrying. I often think in my head that I'm into her more than she's into me but that's a different story.

 

Any advice on anything is appreciated, if I said too much then I apologize, if I said too little then please don't hold back questions.

Thanks.

[greta96]

Yes, you are being not stupid, but too insecure and uninformed and I reckon it has to do with your very young age. I don't think you are ready to be in a relationship and/or have sex, especially with someone that much older, but hey, that's just my opinion.

With that said, using toys in the bedroom has nothing to do with your performance. It is an enhancement meant to add to the experience, and it cannot possibly replace you. Same goes for size. You sound too preoccupied with the size of your penis, but don't seem to realize that some women actually prefer a smaller one and that if you're too big, sex will suck. Size is relative and what matters most is how you use it.

To worry that the size of the dildo is bigger than your penis is ridiculous, and you need to get that type of thoughts out of your mind asap, and especially don't ever voice concerns on the matter because you will turn off any woman you're with.

A sex toy will never replace you. Believe me and trust me on that. You have nothing to worry about. At all.

[gigiselle]

Nothing can replace or compete with the real thing.

[Wiseman2]

It's about trying new things with each other not your masculinity. How can you be jealous of a vibrator? Just relax and explore and experiment.

Me ( 18 ) and my Girlfriend (24) I decided to go for it and we ended up buying one from the internet. Another insecurity flagged up as I didn't want the vibrator to be bigger than me .We used it once we got it and she said it was good, not as good as when I'm performing oral sex on her but good. Bottom line is I'm worried it will replace me and she'll become happier using the vibrator than when we have sex.

[FlashG15]

Usually I find myself annoyed with the feedback on here, people often miss the point and pick at other stuff, but these 3 replies are quite informative. I know that worrying about those things is dumb but once you start worrying it's hard not to. I'm not doing it on purpose and it's easier to say don't worry about it than it is actually not worrying about it. The advice was helpful.

Greta I think your opinion of saying I'm not ready, fair enough that's your opinion and you're entitled to that, but am I supposed to just say sorry I'm not ready and end things. Personally I think saying to someone they're not ready is a difficult thing to say, I'm already in the relationship and 6 months down the line. You could use your opinion to help me be more ready.

I care about her and us a lot. Any advice anyone has to make things better I'll take gladly. I also understand I'm young but I'm trying to not allow it to get in the way if I can help it.

Any further advice is welcome.

[Realitynut]

Everything above is correct...but I will add one more thing. The reason your gf acted embarrassed.

 

This is something new to her. I don't let my bf's know that I pulled out the electrical bf while my man was at work! I don't do it often, but I have. I got my first vibrator at 30. I had never had an orgasm before that, and I wanted to experiment.

 

She's experimenting, was embarrassed about telling you, and didn't want YOU to be acting like you are NOW! Knock it off...lol

 

Vibrator/dildo orgasms are nice...but NOTHING takes the place of a real man. What makes sex for a woman GREAT...is what's going on between her ears! An orgasm is nothing but a muscle spasm, and once that's over, the toy doesn't snuggle with you, no matter how hard you try!

 

edit: 7 inches is big. Read somewhere that 5.5 is avg. in U.S. Just for your own piece of mind....

[FlashG15]

I wasn't pushing her into telling me if she'd used it. I only asked once in a casual way, not really putting her on the spot. Only reason her nervous actions stood out to me is because she's usually open about that kind of stuff and has no problem talking about it, she was the one that got me to open up about it, which I'm thankful for. It's added a new kind of comfortableness within our relationship.

[Robin2904]

She's not going to replace you with a vibrator no matter how good the vibrator may be. This is obviously a new world to you using things like this, take it slowly. Masturbation isn't a substitute for a partner though, and the enjoyment she may get from a plastic toy isn't something that can compete with the act and intimacy you give your partner.

[Wiseman2]

Sexuality is about developing a repertoire of sensual things so it keeps getting better and not boring.

It's added a new kind of comfortableness within our relationship.

[DoF]

#1 talking about personal/sexual issues with friends or sharing those thing with friends = big mistake. Never EVER do that.

 

#2 she is in charge of her body, not you. If she wants to use a vibrator twice as long as you and 10x thicker, it's her choice. You do NOT own her or dominate her. This is common in younger males, I've been there. Let it go, let her experience and discover her own sexuality. She can do what she wants with her body.

 

#3 You are extremely insecure. You need to work on yourself, clearly you have some issues of your own you need to address ASAP.

[lostandhurt]

It sounds like she was embarrassed about masturbation then the fact that she used her new toy when you weren't around. Let it go and be happy you two are so open.

 

Here is a little secret you always need to remember. When a woman experiences good/great sex they want it more and more. This is very good for a guy that is 18 years old right? You should consider yourself very lucky.

 

The irony in the secret I told you is that the opposite happens for men. The more sex we get the less we want it. Kind of a cruel joke but it seems it may keep things more in balance.

 

You are 18 and have a lot to learn so take all the advice you are getting here with an open mind. In fact you reaching out to ask this question here should be applauded. Not many 18 yr olds would do it that is for sure.

 

Good luck and have fun

 

Lost

[reinventmyself]

Do you privately masturbate?

 

Would you like it if your gf asked you if took care of yourself recently or might you feel a little awkward or maybe even embarrassed?

 

If you do masturbate, would what she does in her private time be any different?

 

Does the act of masturbating replace her? By what you have shared, I would guess not.

 

Just something to think about. Just because it's a toy and not your hand doesn't make it any different. . .Unless you want to make it so.

[reinventmyself]

She got quiet and nervous when I asked if she'd used it since, I don't understand why since she has no reason to as I'm okay with that but since she became nervous I feel like I should be nervous about something or I shouldn't know if she's used it on her own.

 

^^This is a contradiction of this:

 

Bottom line is I'm worried it will replace me and she'll become happier using the vibrator than when we have sex.

 

Either it bugs you or it doesn't. My guess she knows it's already an issue and that's why she hesitated when asked.

[Pixels]

Young people talk about sex stuff with each other. Statistically, most young people develop their sense of sexual norms from friends and their surrounding cohorts. Group-dating is also extremely common, so it's not surprising that sex stuff comes up...

 

Still man, never ask a lady (or man) about recent masturbation... There's a difference with being willing to talk about sexuality, and willing to give recent updates...

 

Lastly... Vibrators work, but they're just vibrating plastic/silicone... You're have no competition... Unless you're literally headbutting her in the groin...

[Wolfshook]

Would you replace your gf with a woman named Right Hand?

 

She wont replace you with toy.

[tiredofvampires]

She got quiet and nervous when I asked if she'd used it since, I don't understand why since she has no reason to as I'm okay with that but since she became nervous I feel like I should be nervous about something or I shouldn't know if she's used it on her own.

 

^^This is a contradiction of this:

 

Bottom line is I'm worried it will replace me and she'll become happier using the vibrator than when we have sex.

 

Either it bugs you or it doesn't. My guess she knows it's already an issue and that's why she hesitated when asked.

 

^^^This.

 

Somewhere along the line, overtly or not, you conveyed to her exactly what insecurities you're feeling and telling us about: that at some point, if she enjoys her alone time a little too much with Mr. Roboto, she might run off and elope with him. So now she's trying to protect your ego.

 

It is you who made her clam up. You're NOT okay with it or you wouldn't have posted this, and so BSing her about that just makes you less easy to trust in the future when you say "I'm okay with xyz" and really MEAN it. If your words are not matching up to your actions/vibe/questioning, that's a hindrance to the openness you seek in your relationship. That goes for all subjects, not just this one, so keep that in mind.

 

You also said in your OP that you wanted to be part of the action rather than have it be done in "secret." So what if she does it alone? You've made it seem somewhat taboo, shameful, and like a slight to you. It's not "secret" if you let her feel comfortable and free enough to enjoy herself on her own time without your possessiveness about an inanimate object. You cast a cloud of worry and "secrecy" around it, so she probably feels a little guilty about whatever she might do with it. A girl shouldn't have to ask her boyfriend if he's okay with her using a masturbatory device -- it's not his call to make.

 

I'm just repeating what others are saying when I say, there is no way an inanimate object could replace you; and also, as another poster pointed out, fixating on the size of your penis should stop right here. Take the woman's word for it when she says she enjoys you as you are, and keep in mind that a vagina does NOT need to be stretched out to its maximum width for sex to be enjoyed (and more is not better, with length -- vaginas aren't endless tunnels, despite what you may gather from watching porn. Most end with the uterus at about 5-6 inches in, when aroused, and are 3-4 inches "at ease.")

 

Of course it's easier to say "stop worrying" than to do it, but none of us can stop your worrying -- only you can. Tell her that you want her to use it without any concern about you, that you're a big boy and it's absolutely fine. Then work internally on your feelings about it -- it's an inside job after that. You'd be amazed what allowing a woman some unihibition will do for your sex life.

 

Someday you'll look back on this age and think, "I was worried about THAT??"

[FlashG15]

Very helpful advice. Like I said I've matured a lot coming into this relationship but i also know there's also a lot more to do. I'm still young and bound to make mistakes like anyone. I'm still learning but I'm just glad to hear the advice I've been given even if it is slightly negative on my part.

 

I'll take this on board. Thanks everyone.

[jonny15]

I doubt it will replace you. Also 7 inches is not average. It's above average and getting into the big territory.

 

Now if she pulled out a 10 inch dildo, then that might be concerning.

[ThatwasThen]

Please don't ask her again if she's used it when you're not there. It will make her inhibited and embarrassed (or "nervous" if you will) That's her private time and it's no reflection on you if she takes to it by herself. It's no different then you masturbating when you're alone.

[Empire87]

She's not going to replace you with a vibrator dude cmon. You should be psyched that your gf is open and cool enough to want to explore and add things to your sex life if anything. Most people end up having. The same boring routine sex for the rest of their lives because they're not comfortable enough or trusting enough to open up to their partner and mix it up.

A vibrator can't comfort her if she's had s bad day and needs to talk, it can't be her guest at a party or wedding, it can't be her boyfriend. So you're not competing with the thing. She's also not telling you that she's unsatisfied with your sex life by using it with or without you. That is what you need to remind yourself . If she feels comfortable enough to talk about it with you then she's obviously trying to make sure you have an exciting sex life long term.

 

If your discussing it with other couples and they tell you that they use toys, shouldn't that tell you that it's not something you need to worry about? Not like her gf said "yea once I bought my vibrator I was able to break up with my BF" lol.

 

I actually bought one for my gf about 2 years into our relationship. Use it mostly if we're having sex and I'm behind her doggy style so she can use it on her clit and orgasm. Other than that she actually prefers me to make her cum with my hands or oral. So it's just another tool in the box for us to bring out when she feels. I also wouldn't get offended if she told me she used it on her own without me. In fact, that would be hot to know. Having your gf open up to you and tell

You she was so horny that day that she had to use the toy and get off.. And can't wait to see you so you can play together.... Sounds good to me. Enjoy