He saw I was on Match.com and now he won't respond back to me!

[abitabove]

Good morning All,

 

I have been dating a guy for about 2 months. We have had the best time ever! We really enjoy each others company and have amazing sex. Over the last 4 weeks he has mentioned frequently that he is a one women man and that he would never cheat on me. That he wants a woman that is not having sex with him and multible men. He also noted that he had closed his Match.com account. I have always stated that was nice and indicated that I was not the cheating type as well. I never really asked if we were exclusive as I thought it was a little early in the relationship and it might appear needy as we both have busy schedules and only get to see each other usually one weekend night and maybe a few hours during the week. I did note that I was not on Match.com

 

He had two trips planned out over the last 2 weeks. One with guy friends and another with family so I have not seen him these last two weekends. I checked my Match.com account this weekend as I had received a couple messages from men I had been conversing with in the past. The guy I am seeing texted me Saturday night stating that he was showing a friend how to use Match.com while he is away and noticed I was on Match.com within 24 hours and that his heart dropped. I told him we had really never had the boyfriend/girlfriend conversation of exclusivity. I assured him I was falling in love with him and was fine with being exclusive. He stated I should have known from all of his comments. I closed my Match.com account and told him so.

 

Well now he won't respond to any of my text. I have tried everything. I stated I was sorry for the miscommunication, that I really care aboout him and want to continue and that I was sorry and want to get everyting back on track. He didn't respond Sunday so I sent a last text saying I could take a hint and that I was sorry we had to end over this and wished him well. No response........

 

What should I do?

[annie24]

ouch. I've been in his shoes and it sucks because it feels like you have one foot in and one foot out of the relationship. He might have taken the fact that your profile was still up as a sign you were not ready to be exclusive with him. I think if you already apologized for the misunderstanding, and he's still not talking to you, maybe you can't do anything to win him back.

[Movingforward3]

Just apologize and see where it gets you

[missmarple]

To me, it doesn't matter who's right or wrong. The way he's handled things is just unacceptable. Even if he wanted to end the relationship, he should have at least told you...what he did shows you how he handles conflict, in general. I wouldn't do anything else if I were you. You've done more than enough and not only he won't listen but he won't even respond.

After all, if he felt THAT strongly about exclusivity/you being on Match, he should have told you...not throw hints around.

[Wolfshook]

If you apologized he will respond when the time comes, he's just a little mad now,it will pass him in a day or two.

[Lucha]

I did note that I was not on Match.com

 

He had two trips planned out over the last 2 weeks. One with guy friends and another with family so I have not seen him these last two weekends. I checked my Match.com account this weekend.

 

Err. How can you note that you are not on match.com and then assume he'll be fine finding out you are. When you want to seriously date someone you should not be on match.com

[DancingFool]

First, I find it mind boggling how people will sleep with a virtual stranger, such an intimate, vulnerable act, and then get all weird about talking exclusivity. That conversation needs to happen before you ever have sex with them. Consider that going forward and you'll find that it saves you a lot of problems and miscommunication in the future.

 

Having said that, I think in this case you actually dodged a bullet. This guy raises some serious red flags. Like it's weird that he just launched into statements like he will never cheat on you - it's just not something that comes up in normal conversation. All the hints and beating around the bush. There is something off about that - either he is damaged from being cheated on or he is a cheater who is terrified that what he does to others might get done to him. Either way, not good.

 

Also, it's weird that he went on a trip with the guys and they are spending their time creating dating accounts......mmmm...yeah..... I just don't see it. More likely, he was checking up on you and felt like he caught you. This explains his reaction better. He justified his fears or issues to himself and bolted. I don't think that he really cares or is in a mental place to process reality or your apologies or even have a normal conversation about things. Whatever his reasons, I still think you have inevitably avoided trouble down the road. It was bound to happen no matter what you do or don't do when you are dealing with someone intentionally looking for problems.

 

Still, the lesson for you here is better talk and establish boundaries before sleeping with them.

[janut1]

My X BF did this same thing once. I went on to my OLD account to see if he was on it once because I had a feeling something was up. I found his account was active and this was after dating for over 1 year. I was really upset and was going to talk to him about it when I saw him in person. Before I could even do that, he saw that I was on my OLD account and was really upset with me! He told me that he was on there helping his son set up a profile. YEA RIGHT! If he was helping his son set up a profile, he would of been on his sons account, not his own. He lied to me and that wasn't the first time. We broke up not long after this because trust was broken.

 

But, you told him you weren't on Match and you were. Why did you lie to him about that? I think thats the real issue here. Yea, he is not handling this well at all. Ignoring someone and not being willing to talk about a issue is a big red flag. The other mistake is having sex with someone and not talking about exclusivity and expectations.

 

I hope he does calm down and talk to you soon and you can get this cleared up.

[lostandhurt]

You shouldn't have lied about not being on Match when you were. Also if you are falling in love with this guy why did you want to check messages that were sent to you by other men? Besides don't you get notification in your email that has the body of the message in it anyways so there shouldn't be any reason to actually log on to read them.

 

He gave you plenty of hints how he feels and yet neither of you instigated the "Talk" about being exclusive.

 

Let him cool off for a week or so, stay off match (he will be checking to see if you go back on) and see what happens. If you don't hear from him in 2 weeks unhide your account and start dating again. This time a little wiser...

 

Lost

[kitkat620]

You've apologized, leave it at that. Obviously he feels betrayed and has no desire to continue a relationship with you.

[SoulTaker]

Good morning All,

 

I have been dating a guy for about 2 months. We have had the best time ever! We really enjoy each others company and have amazing sex. Over the last 4 weeks he has mentioned frequently that he is a one women man and that he would never cheat on me. That he wants a woman that is not having sex with him and multible men. He also noted that he had closed his Match.com account. I have always stated that was nice and indicated that I was not the cheating type as well. I never really asked if we were exclusive as I thought it was a little early in the relationship and it might appear needy as we both have busy schedules and only get to see each other usually one weekend night and maybe a few hours during the week. I did note that I was not on Match.com

 

He had two trips planned out over the last 2 weeks. One with guy friends and another with family so I have not seen him these last two weekends. I checked my Match.com account this weekend as I had received a couple messages from men I had been conversing with in the past. The guy I am seeing texted me Saturday night stating that he was showing a friend how to use Match.com while he is away and noticed I was on Match.com within 24 hours and that his heart dropped. I told him we had really never had the boyfriend/girlfriend conversation of exclusivity. I assured him I was falling in love with him and was fine with being exclusive. He stated I should have known from all of his comments. I closed my Match.com account and told him so.

 

Well now he won't respond to any of my text. I have tried everything. I stated I was sorry for the miscommunication, that I really care aboout him and want to continue and that I was sorry and want to get everyting back on track. He didn't respond Sunday so I sent a last text saying I could take a hint and that I was sorry we had to end over this and wished him well. No response........

 

Interesting. It's usually the men who get into trouble in this area. A few things to note:

 

• You said you were not on Match (looking for dates). You never said you had closed your account. Who is he to doubt your words. You did nothing wrong if you weren't looking for other men to go out with.
   
   
  
• How to do you know that he wasn't doing the same, or checking on you through this friend? Why is it okay for him to think that he should be believed in how he found out, but then turn around and not believe in you? I call that a "double standard".
   
   
  
• There are going to be many times in life where things don't look right, and "trust" will be needed. If he can't trust you now, then why should he trust you in the future?
   
   
  
• Now you know how he handles things when faced with adversity. Don't back down. Stand your ground, move on, and then see how he reacts (it would take a huge apology on his part), if you really feel the need to leave the door open.
  

[annie24]

I don't see why he has to apologize though if OP said she was off Match.com but then she's on when he's out of town? It looks all sorts of shady. Of course, he was checking up on her, I don't think he was "helping a friend." He was wondering what she was up to when he was out of town. Well, now he knows. I too, wonder why you had to log in to read your messages because most of the time, the full message comes to your email so you can read it there. If anything it shows he's more into the relationship than she is so I understand why he's backing off now.

[kathy679]

You hadn't had the exclusive conversation so technically you are free to do what you want. Yes you told him you wasn't on match anymore but he was on it too even although he said he was showing a friend. So what makes him allowed to go on it and not you?

[annie24]

I think it's entirely possible he assumed that they were exclusive after he told you he was a one woman man..... It's sounds like a miscommunication here.

[surfdiva]

I had a couple of online dating profiles when I first started dating someone. Once we had the "exclusive" talk, I deleted all my accounts. I had messages but I didn't read them because I wasn't interested in them, I was interested in the man I was intimate with and had feelings for. I also have to question why you told him you weren't on Match but you were, I'd feel betrayed if I were him.

 

I understand you're upset and apologized, maybe give him some time and he'll respond.

[notalady]

A few observations, it's very weird that he outright state he's not the cheating type. It's something that should go without saying and need not be declared. Just like people who are honest or kind don't need to declare "I'm really honest" or "I'm really kind!" They let their actions show that and aren't eager to use words to convince others that's the case. Whenever I find someone declare such things, the opposite is often true.

 

But your behaviour was questionable too. He told you he's a one woman kind of man, that he doesn't want a woman who's sleeping wiht him to sleep with multiple men at the same time and that he's closed his accounts, your response was less than enthused. You noted that it's "nice"? I think the normal response, where you are interested in exclusivity, is that you too will close your account and the conversation will naturally lead to an agreement of exclusivity.

 

I think your lacklustre responses drove him to check on Match to see if you're on there (not the best approach on his part either) and Lo and behold, he finds you logged in within 24 hours of him being gone when you've told him yourself you're not on Match (I take that to mean your account is disabled or closed). And you also said you're "fine" with exclusivity, again you don't sound that into it, he probably thought screw it, she's not that into me, what's the point of continuing.

 

I don't get why you think it's too soon to be exclusive but not too soon to sleep together? To avoid all this drama would've been easy, don't sleep together when you're still unsure about being exclusive with the guy, then you are free to date whoever you like at that point. Once you sleep together and are seriously dating (not FWB or casual kind of situation), it becomes wrong (or can be perceived as such) if you keep dating other men, even worse if you're sleeping with multiple of them.

[Ms Darcy]

I think this is why it's so important to have a conversation where both people agree on how to move forward. Without that then there is room for miscommunication and misunderstanding.

 

I think he should have been more explicit with you versus hinting around. You have done all you can.

[Batya33]

For me it would be the lie that was the issue - and a lie about a dating site. I've been in similar situations on both sides (but I never lied about having an online account -in one case I did not know it was still visible but when I found out it was, I removed it completely.

[kathy679]

I think it's entirely possible he assumed that they were exclusive after he told you he was a one woman man..... It's sounds like a miscommunication here.

He should never assume Anything. If you haven't had that conversation you can't be exclusive

[SoulTaker]

I don't see why he has to apologize though if OP said she was off Match.com but then she's on when he's out of town? It looks all sorts of shady. Of course, he was checking up on her, I don't think he was "helping a friend." He was wondering what she was up to when he was out of town. Well, now he knows. I too, wonder why you had to log in to read your messages because most of the time, the full message comes to your email so you can read it there. If anything it shows he's more into the relationship than she is so I understand why he's backing off now.

 

Annie, he needs to apologize for getting so upset with her (no longer responding to her texts), while doing the same thing. It's okay for him to get on Match to check on her (so he says), but not okay for her to get on Match to check on her account. He was on Match also. Why should she trust what's coming out of his mouth? "Trust" goes both ways.

 

He closed his Match account. Well, who cares. That's his choice. That doesn't mean that she needs to close her account, or stay off of it (just don't be using it to set up dates). He's trying to subtly force her to date like him instead of allowing her to be herself, and she's falling for his controlling trap. I'll be damned if I'm going to have someone tell me how to date, or spy on me. He's not more into the relationship. He's more into controlling the relationship as he wants it to be. And, I'll bet that he has trust issues from his past, which makes him a suspect person to be with.

 

He has a "my way, or the highway" attitude, which is a definite red flag. And, he's rushing her at a pace she's not comfortable with.

[Batya33]

Annie, he needs to apologize for getting so upset with her (no longer responding to her texts), while doing the same thing. It's okay for him to get on Match to check on her (so he says), but not okay for her to get on Match to check on her account. He was on Match also. Why should she trust what's coming out of his mouth? "Trust" goes both ways.

 

He closed his Match account. Well, who cares. That's his choice. That doesn't mean that she needs to close her account, or stay off of it (just don't be using it to set up dates). He's trying to subtly force her to date like him instead of allowing her to be herself, and she's falling for his controlling trap. I'll be damned if I'm going to have someone tell me how to date, or spy on me. He's not more into the relationship. He's more into controlling the relationship as he wants it to be. And, I'll bet that he has trust issues from his past, which makes him a suspect person to be with.

 

He has a "my way, or the highway" attitude, which is a definite red flag. And, he's rushing her at a pace she's not comfortable with.

 

She wrote that "I did note that I was not on Match.com " But that was not true -so I can see him being upset about her lie (maybe the OP can clear this up if she chooses).

[SoulTaker]

A few observations, it's very weird that he outright state he's not the cheating type. It's something that should go without saying and need not be declared. Just like people who are honest or kind don't need to declare "I'm really honest" or "I'm really kind!" They let their actions show that and aren't eager to use words to convince others that's the case. Whenever I find someone declare such things, the opposite is often true.

 

But your behaviour was questionable too. He told you he's a one woman kind of man, that he doesn't want a woman who's sleeping wiht him to sleep with multiple men at the same time and that he's closed his accounts, your response was less than enthused. You noted that it's "nice"? I think the normal response, where you are interested in exclusivity, is that you too will close your account and the conversation will naturally lead to an agreement of exclusivity.

 

I think your lacklustre responses drove him to check on Match to see if you're on there (not the best approach on his part either) and Lo and behold, he finds you logged in within 24 hours of him being gone when you've told him yourself you're not on Match (I take that to mean your account is disabled or closed). And you also said you're "fine" with exclusivity, again you don't sound that into it, he probably thought screw it, she's not that into me, what's the point of continuing.

 

I don't get why you think it's too soon to be exclusive but not too soon to sleep together? To avoid all this drama would've been easy, don't sleep together when you're still unsure about being exclusive with the guy, then you are free to date whoever you like at that point. Once you sleep together and are seriously dating (not FWB or casual kind of situation), it becomes wrong (or can be perceived as such) if you keep dating other men, even worse if you're sleeping with multiple of them.

 

Notalady, the Op said she was fine with being "exclusive" only after he confronted her with being on Match, not before it. There was no "exclusive" agreement in place. If her responses are "lackluster", it's probably because it's the way he's going about it, telling her what he's doing, instead of including her in coming up with boundaries.

 

Why do you think that closing an account is such a big deal? If he put any thought behind it, and took the time to understand Match, he could have come up with a mutual agreement to hide the profiles. How can anyone not see that this guy is playing a power game, telling her to date like he wants to date, and not taking a leadership role in coming up with a mutual agreement on it.

 

I agree on the other points you've made "why the need to say that he's not a cheater", and that she shouldn't sleep with someone without first discussing "exclusivity". But, if you flip it, why didn't he bring up the subject if it was so important to him. It's a two way issue.

[j.man]

I'm big on exclusivity being explicitly stated. So, no, you weren't wrong per se, but were I in your shoes and the woman was saying all the same stuff this guy was, I'd get the picture of what was being hinted at and probably wouldn't use the fact she didn't ask for exclusivity outright as a license to keep on with my online dating game. I'd see that they're very clearly at a point where she'd like us to be heading somewhere and would clear the air from there.

 

I think it's a bit extreme for him to cut off contact with you, but I can see how someone someone might be turned off after finding out (or perceiving) that the chemistry wasn't developing as organically for you as it was for himself.

[notalady]

Notalady, the Op said she was fine with being "exclusive" only after he confronted her with being on Match, not before it. There was no "exclusive" agreement in place. If her responses are "lackluster", it's probably because it's the way he's going about it, telling her what he's doing, instead of including her in coming up with boundaries.

 

Why do you think that closing an account is such a big deal? If he put any thought behind it, and took the time to understand Match, he could have come up with a mutual agreement to hide the profiles. How can anyone not see that this guy is playing a power game, telling her to date like he wants to date, and not taking a leadership role in coming up with a mutual agreement on it.

 

I agree on the other points you've made "why the need to say that he's not a cheater", and that she shouldn't sleep with someone without first discussing "exclusivity". But, if you flip it, why didn't he bring up the subject if it was so important to him. It's a two way issue.

 

I know she said that after he confronted her about Match, that's what I mean,that response didn't sound like she's keen on exclusivity.

 

I don't think it always needs to be clearly stated in terms of exclusivity, it could be a simple "I closed my account" to get the conversation started (which if the other person didn't really respond to, just wouldn't continue), much like j.man said above. I think the guy could've been clearer about his intentions rather than repeatedly hinting at it. Also I agree that if he cared about it that much, why didn't he say something before they slept together. His approach after her response in the end - ignoring her - seems passive aggressive. If he's genuinely not happy about the whole thing and think they should stop dating, he should be sending a response with "I don't think we're a good match" or similar to end things. The whole thing certainly doesn't suggest this guy is about open communication.

[SoulTaker]

I know she said that after he confronted her about Match, that's what I mean,that response didn't sound like she's keen on exclusivity.

 

I don't think it always needs to be clearly stated in terms of exclusivity, it could be a simple "I closed my account" to get the conversation started (which if the other person didn't really respond to, just wouldn't continue), much like j.man said above. I think the guy could've been clearer about his intentions rather than repeatedly hinting at it. Also I agree that if he cared about it that much, why didn't he say something before they slept together. His approach after her response in the end - ignoring her - seems passive aggressive. If he's genuinely not happy about the whole thing and think they should stop dating, he should be sending a response with "I don't think we're a good match" or similar to end things. The whole thing certainly doesn't suggest this guy is about open communication.

 

Exactly. That is was what I got out of it. It's as though he is telling her how he handles his business, and expects her to follow along instead of working with her on boundaries. Then he spies on her to make sure she got the message, lying about why he was on Match.

 

Op, should have held her ground and not put up with that. By giving in to him and apologizing, it makes her look guilty. He definitely has trust issues.