Should I Tell Her I'm a Virgin?

[joe529]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been dating this girl for about 2 months now. Everything is somehow going very well - I use the word "somehow" because i'm a natural pessimist, I never thought she would be interested in me, and she is honestly my first girlfriend. We work together, so we see each other every day, but have been out with each other many times and each date lasts a long time. She has slept over my house a few times now but outside of kissing her goodnight we have not been that physical (partially my fault, explained below).

 

About two weeks ago we were out with a group of friends at a bar close to my house. She got a little drunk and clearly wanted to crash at my place. That weekend there ended up being a huge snowstorm so in addition to sleeping over Friday night she was snowed in with me until Sunday afternoon. We had a good time together, talking, watching movies, even braved the blizzard at night to walk and get dinner. I wanted to get a little more intimate with her but the opportunity just didn't present itself, she fell asleep while watching the movie at night and I also didn't want her to think I was taking advantage of the situation.

 

Bottom line is that this past week a coworker told me that she (my girlfriend) is really enjoying everything and is having a great time but wishes that I would be a bit more "aggressive." The implication of course being physically. The problem is that she's my first girlfriend and I have basically zero experience with girls, not limited to but including the fact that i'm a virgin. With Valentine's Day coming up and us continuing to hang out I assume that unless I horribly screw something up, my relationship with this girl will eventually lead to sex.

 

My question then is two-fold. First, should I openly talk with her upfront about the fact that i'm not very experienced, hence why I have not been "aggressive" physically (it's not that I don't want to, i'm really just shy). Secondly, in the event that we are alone and about to potentially have sex, do I let her know that i'm a virgin beforehand. I feel that if i'm not honest with her from the start, it will be obvious that I have no idea what i'm doing and she'll be disappointed. Although she might be disappointed in any case if I inform her that i'm a virgin.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[Knot2loud]

You're living proof that gentlemen still exist. Personally, I salute you. Back on track... I doubt she'll be disappointed if you tell her you're a virgin. IMO I think she'll look at it with a more positive outlook. Should you tell her? If it were me, I would. It's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. My advice... Allow nature to take its course.

[BrianH46]

Search some of the posts about virgin guys telling their gfs of their status. It never seems to end well. So don't do that. Unless she asks you directly "are you a virgin". If not and its ust a numbers question answer with something along the lines of a "gentleman never kiss and tell" You guys have passionate kissing sessions no? Once that gets started let your hands and lips wander, trust me they will know where to go. Try closing your eyes and stop thinking. Rely more on your base senses and instincts.

 

Brush up on some oral advice online and ask her if she likes what you are doing when you go down on her. if you are worried about penetration, just tell her it to hop on and do some work.

[DoF]

I wouldn't talk about your sexual past with anyone or tell her (for now) unless she brings it up. Ignore that all together. It's irrelevant to your relationship. Her past as well. DO NOT ask her (ever). Trust me on this.

 

As for her wanting to be more aggressive. To be honest, she should NOT be telling her friend, she should be telling YOU. Bad communication (typical at young age though).

 

As for you, keep doing what you are doing. Don't get intimate too early. Take your time to get to know the person well. Go exclusive and give it time. Takes a good year + to really know the person. You are still at a stage where you want to make sure she is a proper match. Intimacy will only cause you to be blind and ignore red flags going forward. It will also put your relationship into over drive.

 

I would communicate above to her if it's how you feel or agree with it. She should understand. No need to rush or bring intimacy to the table. I know you both got the urge.

 

If you feel like making a move, well do it. Just protect yourself and watch yourself CLOSELY afterwords and going forward. In general, I don't recommend early intimacy though. Worst thing you can do in order to build a healthy/strong foundation in a relationship.

[Clinton]

Do you know the basics? Are you going to be able to give a competent performance? If so, don't tell her. Otherwise, it might be a good idea.

[Knot2loud]

So guys... If a guy is a virgin y'all are saying it's okay to lie and tell whomever that you're not? What... Pretend you're a Don Juan and highly experienced? Sex is a natural thing that happens in life. Part of the fun is having this mystery solved for the first time. Heck, I remember mine and it was quite the experience.

 

OP... Do what you want. If she get all uptight because you're a virgin (which IMO would be ridiculous and awfully shallow) then she is the one with the problem - not you. Just go with the flow and... Yes... Get a little aggressive. RAWR like a Lion!!!

[jonny15]

I think you should wait until right before sex. Mostly because that decreases the odds of her saying no, and you staying a virgin.

[starlight89]

I think there is no need to tell her yet that you are a virgin. That will just make you anxious because you will be wondering what she thinks.

 

My advice is to take it slow. The next time you are alone together, just start kissing her and get comfortable. You don't go from kissing to sex ever! I think you should explore her body and just enjoy touching the first few times. Ask her for some guidance or direction if you are worried she is not enjoying it.

 

Good sex is all about communication and being comfortable with your partner. This initial intimacy will relax you both so when you do start having sex, it will feel more natural and more enjoyable for the both of you

 

Good luck

[j.man]

Probably better you tell her before she sees you putting your condom on the wrong way or you blow your load within 5 seconds.

 

There's a lot more room for disappointment between men being virgins and women being virgins... for obvious reasons. Not saying I think it'll by any means be a deal breaker, but I'd think women would prefer to be given a heads up if the roller coaster ride is gonna be a bit bumpy at first.

[bulletproof]

I vote for not telling her. It doesn't have to be a big deal or an issue unless it's made one.

Regarding having no idea what you're doing…while I know there are some people who are very skilled at having sex, I think for the most part you can't really screw it up if you are following how you feel and just acting naturally. None of us knew what we were doing the first time.

I think that your urge to tell her is part of what you described as your pessimism—you think that if you prepare her for things to be bad, that's better somehow. I think that unfortunately, that negativity might be very unattractive to her. She might not care that you haven't had sex, but she will probably care that you have so little confidence in yourself.

[reinventmyself]

I vote for telling her.

After hearing you explain what's transpired, it appears she really likes you and is wondering what's up.

Honestly, if she has a problem with it then she's not the girl for you.

I would do so in the moment. . or leading up to it.

`I bet you might be wondering what's going on here and why I haven't been more aggressive. .Well. .it's the first time I've done this and I am hesitating here a little. Are you willing to work with me and have some fun?'

 

Come from a place of confidence. .

 

Sheez. I really do feel sorry for the guys that come here saying they are virgins and feeling like it's a curse or something.

If the tables were turned and it was a girl saying the same thing, no one would judge her.

 

Everybody has their first time. . this just happens to be yours. Try not to make a big deal out of it.

If she has quality character. . she'll be thrilled to cross this bridge with you!

[j.man]

Maybe it's a poor analogy, but I don't go the park and ask if I can join a pickup lacrosse game without disclaiming that I've never played a single game of lacrosse. If I ask to play, it's natural they assume I know how. They'd understandably be a bit frustrated when I fumbled around like a . A lot of people are really nice and are willing to teach you the sport and work with you to ease your way into the game, but they'd really prefer you let them know.

 

Same applies to sex. People generally assume that by a certain age, you've got some experience under your belt. There's nothing wrong with not having any, but again it's generally assumed. I don't think it's a sign of diffidence to admit to being a virgin. It's simply a courtesy. I love learning new sports and have no lack of confidence when throwing myself into them. But the fact of the matter is there's a real good chance I'm gonna suck at it.

 

Women generally have an easier time being a virgin because 1) they're not poking at holes for the first time and 2) if they orgasm after 3 seconds, it's not game over. I'd seriously just let her know so she knows what to expect and will be much more open minded to helping you along.

[reinventmyself]

Well said jman!

[Helpexpressme]

I would tell her. Hopefully she is flattered. She'll guide you along. It's not a deal-breaker on any level.

[Brownstone322]

Some of the advice you have gotten has been kinda odd, to be honest, almost bordering on deception (the arguable "sin of omission"). Relationships are built on communication, and this one shouldn't be all that hard. It might go kinda like this:

 

Pick a good time when you're together (which means not in the middle of dinner or during your favorite show, maybe a time that includes drinks) and say, "Hey, listen, there's something I think we should discuss ... it's not a big thing ... but it is a thing ..."

 

That'll probably pique her interest, and there'll be no going back anyway, so then you just tell her. You need to find the right words, of course, but the theme should be something along the lines of, "As our relationship progresses and gets closer, I think you should probably know that [drop reference to THE BIG PINK ELEPHANT]. So there it is. Now you know."

 

Something tells me she'll be perfectly cool with all that; she might even enjoy her role in what (we hope) is yet to transpire. And if she's not understanding, then that'll say a lot about her, things that you need to know. Let's face it, you're gonna eventually do it with somebody, so you might as well find out up front who's gonna be empathetic about the whole thing.

 

Betcha this plays out no drama.

[joe529]

Thank you for the replies everyone. I appreciate the help.

 

Whether i'm right or wrong is certainly up for debate, but i'm personally in the camp of tell her. And don't get me wrong, it's not like i'm just going to bring it up one day over lunch or over dinner. I would only do it if necessary, i.e. shortly before it's about to happen. I feel it's better to be honest and upfront with her. The alternative would be not telling her, performing poorly, and disclosing that i'm a virgin afterwards as the reason why i performed poorly. Also, if I tell her and she reacts negatively, then for better or worse it tells me all I need to know about her.

 

If things continue to progress and I end up telling her, i'll report back on what the reaction was. Seems like opinions are quite divided which is why I thought to ask in the first place.

[chitown9]

Heck, I wouldn't tell her. This is on a need to know basis, and why does she need to know??? chi

[Brownstone322]

If things continue to progress and I end up telling her, i'll report back on what the reaction was.

 

Actually, I was hoping for live updates as it was happening. Maybe live vid.

 

Seems like opinions are quite divided which is why I thought to ask in the first place.

 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I'm right.

[joe529]

Update: she asked. I told her. She didn't care.

[Brownstone322]

Betcha this plays out with no drama.

Damn, I have my moments of genius!

[jonny15]

Has she cared enough to relieve you of said virginity?

[caitlinkv]

Here's some good logic. If she asks, then you can tell her if you want. If she found out some other way, tell her she shouldn't react towards you cause she never asked plain and simple. Virginity shouldn't determine your relationship.

[John John]

This is sad, but all too common. There's this double standard that men have to have all this "experience," (but we walk the fine line between "gentleman with experience" and being a "gross pig") but it's perfectly fine for a woman to be a virgin (or at least, it's not nearly as "weird" when compared to a man who hasn't lost his virginity by a certain age).

 

Case in point, I was recently out with friends and we were talking about this. We all know a 29 year old female virgin and a 34 year old male virgin. The general consensus among the women (and I guess the men too) was that it was a bit odd for the woman to be a virgin at 29, but everyone assumed that it was mostly through her own choice, thus rendering the situation "mostly understandable." But when it came to discussing the 34 year old male virgin, everyone just started laughing and overtly mocking him (I know both him and the female virgin - he's a great guy, but just has been through A LOT of sh*t in his life...terrible bullying, male anorexia, head injury, depression...but I didn't say any of this of course). It was kinda sad. But I'll stop there...

 

OP, glad to hear your gf didn't care that you were a virgin. She's a good egg in my book. And good on you for being honest and also being a gentleman!

[tiredofvampires]

Has she cared enough to relieve you of said virginity?

 

I hope that the OP "relieved" himself of his virginity, as he is the one in the driver's seat of his life.

 

And hopefully, it was more pleasant that relieving himself of a bad spell of diarrhea.

[jonny15]

I hope that the OP "relieved" himself of his virginity, as he is the one in the driver's seat of his life.

 

And hopefully, it was more pleasant that relieving himself of a bad spell of diarrhea.

 

No, he's not really in the drivers seat. She is.