It's Not the First Date, That Kills, it's the 2nd.

[Blue_Skirt]

She was 51 I believe. I prefer women over 50.

Too bad for me, Sportster, my world is falling apart now….……

 

O.K. just kidding, back to your theory, I have the impression, that you are overthinking this whole thing, but maybe that’s just me. I am reading a lot of threads on here about dating and I generally have the impression that people should be must more selective BEFORE they agree to a date.

 

I was on an online dating site 9 years ago, which was a paid site and you would be matched with people according to your searches and compatibility. You had to go through a whole questionnaire, before you could start to set up your profile. All in all I was on that site for 7-8 months. After a few weeks I found out it works best for me, if I sent the first message. I have been exchanging messages with various men, didn’t count them. I had phone conversations with 8-9 different men and only dates with 4-5 men. The last one I was in a relationship with for 4 and half years. I have to say it did not last in the end, but well such is life.

 

I think what a lot of people do in their coffee dates, I did in my messages and phone conversations. I never did coffee dates. I must admit that all of the men lived a bit further away, except for one, but when I agreed to a date, I was comfortable that there was enough interest to make it through an entire dinner/lunch and eventually a drink afterwards.

 

So perhaps it is an idea to approach this dating thing in a different way.

 

Good luck with your search, I am sure there is some nice over 50 lady waiting for you!

[Ms Darcy]

And at the end of the day I have to remember ... the cold nonnegotiable fact of life. It doesn't matter how much I like her, it's how much she likes me that matters to my success.

 

And vice versa too! Women might like you that you aren't all that into.

[LoveSoDeep]

This so depressing. Very true, I suspect. But very depressing.

 

I know it depresses me almost daily if I let it.

 

And look what I found today:

 

 

[Realitynut]

I hate men who do not pursue...unless of course I don't want them to pursue.

 

Hahahaha....didn't realize my little tongue in cheek comment was going to garner such responses!

 

It's sort of along the same lines of....You're damned if you do....you're damned if you don't!

 

If I hardly know the person, I am NOT further intrigued if they ignore me. (and they think the ball is now in my court) Now once after I've been seeing the person...and they don't contact, I think, What's up??

 

Who knows. If I really liked someone, I'd shelve my dignity for one last shot across the bow!

 

btw ITIC....did you notice my signature? Never had one before...

[TMifune]

I skipped some of the posts in the middle I'll go back and read then in s minute....but really here's what happens after the 1st or second date. If the first date is short and nothing goes terribly wrong and there's some spark there the woman will probably agree to a 2nd date. After the second date (or the first if it's long and a lot of exposition goes on) she calls her BFF or all her friends, or her sister, or whoever she likes to talk to and tells them all about her date and how it went. She goes over the good things and the possible red flags and her friend eagerly take sit all in and can't wait to give advice. If she had some misgivings and her friends pick up on it and agrees then no matter what she agreed to previously. It's probably done. If you didn't already have date 3 planned you'll never get one and if you did there's about a 70% chance she'll cancel (so if you want even that 30% chance of date 3 set it up while on date 2 if you can).

 

Too many people now have this "You deserve the absolute best, don't settle for anything less!" attitude and they want this for their friends too(it's a nice thought....it really is but I'm not sure it's helpful). It's so easy to go back on PoF and try again that men and women both are willing to drop out and move on for small issues or perceived issues (they may not even be real). All it takes is one person to validate that one small question....to jump on that one con and say "Oh, no you can do better than that." and it's off to try again.

 

I hate to say it, but the less I talk to my girlfriends about my dating life...the more 3rd and 4th dates I go on.

 

Which ultimately means a guy might get crapped on simply because his date's best friend is having problems with her husband so she wants to be hyper-negative. Or just as bad, her friend is bitter about her dating prospect so she puts down everything about you just because if she's still single everyone should still be single.

[Ms Darcy]

I hate men who do not pursue...unless of course I don't want them to pursue.

 

Hahahaha....didn't realize my little tongue in cheek comment was going to garner such responses!

 

It's sort of along the same lines of....You're damned if you do....you're damned if you don't!

 

If I hardly know the person, I am NOT further intrigued if they ignore me. (and they think the ball is now in my court) Now once after I've been seeing the person...and they don't contact, I think, What's up??

 

Who knows. If I really liked someone, I'd shelve my dignity for one last shot across the bow!

 

btw ITIC....did you notice my signature? Never had one before...

 

I knew you were joking but you have to remember that some people have a bit of "confirmation bias" going on. If they have a negative view, anything to confirm it is going to be the start of their diatribe.

 

But, I laughed at your comments girl.

[tiredofvampires]

Well, based on what you've described about the way she was talking to you and how things went on that second date, it doesn't sound like you seriously misread anything. I think we both agree that you shouldn't have sent a text trying to anticipate her rejecting you -- and you should not do that in the future. Wait to be rejected before you know what's going on. But she was also flaky not to text, so that was on her.

 

I just don't think it's reasonable to conclude that it's you, or the 2nd date, when there is so much missing from the picture. The tendency is to take a small handful of facts, and then go extrapolating from that, just to have the closure of a theory, or a reason to explain it all. The truth is, you really don't have any idea what's going through her head, or her reasons. I'd say that's my #1 take-away from my online experience -- don't assume ANYTHING. One time, I had a long stretch of laryngitis, and a guy I was communicating with ended up assuming it was my way of blowing him off, which was really sad because I thought we could have had a lot of potential from our discussions online. But ironically, that said something about him to me -- that he wasn't wiling to give the benefit of the doubt, and was so mistrustful, and as he was accusatory in the process, I felt like I had a glimpse of something not meant to be, even if it was revealed in such a ridiculous context over an imagined issue.

 

Even with being on POF again -- how do you know she isn't just browsing with no desire or intent to contact anyone? Maybe she's depressed about her dad's health, and it's a way to chill out and get some distraction. I've done that myself with dating sites -- used browsing as a distraction, to just "window shop" on a stressful day, just as you'd flip through a magazine without any intention of buying anything. Maybe this isn't the right time for her to be dating, even if she thinks you're an "awesome guy." Maybe she felt she owed it to herself to at least try, but the thought of really moving forward with it is nerve-wracking or overwhelming due to her other life issues (and a kid, too? maybe that's another whole story). Maybe she wanted to put her best foot forward, and realized she was in over her head. Maybe she'd like to see you again, but has too much on her plate and didn't know how to tell you that, and is bummed that she'd like to extend this over time more, but feels that she'd be moving too slowly for anyone. Maybe she felt it wasn't fair to you if she's half in and you're all in.

 

Lots of maybes.

 

The reason I like the friend approach is that when you establish a friendship, and tell the person you'd just like to get to know them, no pressure, they don't feel there's an implied need to finally close a deal. We're not wasting each other's time if we just enjoy the time we spend together, regardless of the outcome. And that keeps my foot in the door for something else to happen. I know this isn't your bag, but I'm just explaining why it's mine.

 

I think it's really good that you're thinking in terms of abundance and non-scarcity! That's the right spirit. But don't make that another way of being impatient for results.

 

I also don't think there's anything wrong with after a time has passed, to contact someone and say, "hey, long time no talk -- how have you been? Any luck here yet? I hope your dad is better." And just see where that leads. I've had guys contact me again after like, a year, and say something like, I'd like to get re-acquainted and I don't see that as desperate or undignified or whatever. I don't think it's undignified to text and say, "I hope your dad is better. Let me know if you'd be down for getting out sometime again." You can add, "take care", haha.

 

I think it's better to leave it in someone's court than to just assume what they're thinking and feeling, and make your last word silence. And then it's also clear you're not clinging onto them.

 

Put it out there as best you can, and then let the chips fall as they may. I think you could have done that a little more completely.

[lilygirl]

See that's interesting. I think for your first example, since you guys actually met not continuing to date would have been more about awkwardness than feeling like there a hundred other options open. I mean, online is just a tool to meetup and gauge things and if things go south that's more about those people.

 

I can see what you mean about feeling like there's an endless supply of matches though.

 

Yes, the opportunity was almost blown because of some awkwardness but feeling like there were lots of other options also played a role. And therein lies the problem with online dating. You often only have one chance to make that connection and that is a lot of pressure so if things aren't "perfect" right off the top many of us think "Oh well, on to the next!"

 

First dates can be nerve-wracking for some and so they may not make a great first impression, and I am glad that I accepted the offer of a second date. Because he and I had had some great conversations online before we met, I had an inclination that there was something there so I figured it was worth a second look despite a not great first date.

 

Part of the reason I suggested Sportster perhaps revisit this situation is because when much of your interaction with another person is conducted by text etc, it is easy to make assumptions and miss some cues, or misunderstand them. Sportster's date continues to be online looking around, and that happens all the time, but it seems he is taking that as one sign that she isn't interested. Now it could mean that or it could not, no one wants to appear as if they are putting all their eggs in one basket after a couple of dates. We have to remember this online dating stuff is a game and optics are a big part of it! If she stopped looking, she might come across as too serious. In fact, the fact that Sportster is not on the dating site might be sending a message other than what is intended. My understanding is Sportster took it down because he was not really using it but to her it may have come across as that he met her and was ready to take his profile down immediately, which may have freaked her out a bit as she was looking to take things slow.

 

My apologies Sportster if I have missed some details here but I do think that if you do meet someone really great, it is always worth another shot and that some online mixed message stuff should not deter if it is what you really want.

[IAmFCA]

I hate men who do not pursue...unless of course I don't want them to pursue.

 

Hahahaha....didn't realize my little tongue in cheek comment was going to garner such responses!

 

It's sort of along the same lines of....You're damned if you do....you're damned if you don't!

 

If I hardly know the person, I am NOT further intrigued if they ignore me. (and they think the ball is now in my court) Now once after I've been seeing the person...and they don't contact, I think, What's up??

 

Who knows. If I really liked someone, I'd shelve my dignity for one last shot across the bow!

 

btw ITIC....did you notice my signature? Never had one before...

 

I like your sig, RN! Been thinking about that of late, in fact.

 

And goodness, a gal puts down her phone and the threads all explode like cats with a basket of yarn! Someone, please pass around the tea and bisquits. The guests are getting reatless.

 

Sportster, you're a cool guy. It's awkward and weird but sometimes, the best thing to do is fall on one's sword.

 

Hi, I fired my smoke signal staff. Hoping we can get a hot chocolate and catch up?

 

I don't know. I hate to see you let one go who maybe didn't want to get gone. Maybe just reach out semi-friend like?

[Ms Darcy]

Yes, the opportunity was almost blown because of some awkwardness but feeling like there were lots of other options also played a role. And therein lies the problem with online dating. You often only have one chance to make that connection and that is a lot of pressure so if things aren't "perfect" right off the top many of us think "Oh well, on to the next!"

 

First dates can be nerve-wracking for some and so they may not make a great first impression, and I am glad that I accepted the offer of a second date. Because he and I had had some great conversations online before we met, I had an inclination that there was something there so I figured it was worth a second look despite a not great first date.

 

If I had an awkward first date, and I chose not to go on a second, it was because I didn't think there was enough chemistry or attraction or even enough interest in that person to make me interested in exploring things.

 

Yes, I thought there are "plenty of fish" but moreso when a guy I was interested in decided not to go on a second date with me. I think most women of my age who were very serious about findings bfs and hoping for a long-term relationship that could lead to marriage, were pretty serious about the dating process.

 

And now I'll say something very offensive to some people. I wasn't particularly interested in dating guys I wasn't somewhat physically attracted to. That for me had nothing to do with online dating. It had more to do with not settling. I was concerned with not settling because I had settled in the past to disastrous results.

 

When I did "online dating" I had a very different approach than most people on these boards. It was always my secondary (or tertiary) strategy for opening up my dating pool. I think it's odd when I see so many people who do that as their ONLY form of dating. It makes me concerned about their social skills and ability to talk to the opposite sex. I had a friend who was online dating while in college and I said: "What the heck are you doing?! Go outside!!! There are like 30 guys on our freshman floor, hundreds in the building, thousands on campus, and a million campus groups that can help you meet people."

[LoveSoDeep]

Which ultimately means a guy might get crapped on simply because his date's best friend is having problems with her husband so she wants to be hyper-negative. Or just as bad, her friend is bitter about her dating prospect so she puts down everything about you just because if she's still single everyone should still be single.

 

Sadly, yes this could happen. You should hope that you choose to date women who are strong enough to have and keep their own opinions in that case.

 

However in defense of some of these women it's not always because they are sad and bitter....it's because they don't want to see their friend get hurt. I think they really do have good intentions for the most part. Also if the connection is strong the woman will go against what her friends suggest.

 

My point was....men don't do this "Talk it through with a friend" thing as much as women do and they may not realize it plays role here.

[lilygirl]

If I had an awkward first date, and I chose not to go on a second, it was because I didn't think there was enough chemistry or attraction or even enough interest in that person to make me interested in exploring things.

 

Yes, I thought there are "plenty of fish" but moreso when a guy I was interested in decided not to go on a second date with me. I think most women of my age who were very serious about findings bfs and hoping for a long-term relationship that could lead to marriage, were pretty serious about the dating process.

 

And now I'll say something very offensive to some people. I wasn't particularly interested in dating guys I wasn't somewhat physically attracted to. That for me had nothing to do with online dating. It had more to do with not settling. I was concerned with not settling because I had settled in the past to disastrous results.

 

When I did "online dating" I had a very different approach than most people on these boards. It was always my secondary (or tertiary) strategy for opening up my dating pool. I think it's odd when I see so many people who do that as their ONLY form of dating. It makes me concerned about their social skills and ability to talk to the opposite sex. I had a friend who was online dating while in college and I said: "What the heck are you doing?! Go outside!!! There are like 30 guys on our freshman floor, hundreds in the building, thousands on campus, and a million campus groups that can help you meet people."

 

In terms of physical attraction, I think that is different for everyone. In my experience, if I am super attracted to someone right off the hop, it has proven to be short lived. The longer relationships I have had started slowly, even in the attraction department and then everything built with time. I guess I am a slow starter.

 

I absolutely agree that online dating should only be one part of the strategy but the hard part is being a bit older, working from home, and traveling in social circles with only married people can make it harder to explore other avenues as one only has so much time. If I was in my 20's I would be out there in real life looking for Mr Wonderful!

[Ms Darcy]

My point was....men don't do this "Talk it through with a friend" thing as much as women do and they may not realize it plays role here.

 

You know that's funny. I have never really talked about first dates with friends and vice versa. My friends and I tended to be more relationship people than dating people ... if that makes sense. There was something embarrassing about constantly talking about random dudes you are dating (who might disappear) versus a boyfriend when most of your friends had boyfriends or husbands. So, we didn't chat about stuff until things were more serious.

 

Let me edit that to say, if I did talk about first dates, they were more like "disastrous first date stories" over wine and cheese!

[Ms Darcy]

I absolutely agree that online dating should only be one part of the strategy but the hard part is being a bit older, working from home, and traveling in social circles with only married people can make it harder to explore other avenues as one only has so much time. If I was in my 20's I would be out there in real life looking for Mr Wonderful!

 

Oh I hear you. I did an informal count of my friends on Facebook (so very informal). About 50% of the folks who were married met while they were in college (or grad school) lucky devils.

 

Anyways, the next best thing is meetup. We have two couple friends who met through meetup (three but the third one just broke up ... sad). Anyway, we like to do monthly parties at our house (game nights or movie nights) where I am expressly trying to play matchmaker!!!

[LoveSoDeep]

You know that's funny. I have never really talked about first dates with friends and vice versa. My friends and I tended to be more relationship people than dating people ... if that makes sense. There was something embarrassing about constantly talking about random dudes you are dating (who might disappear) versus a boyfriend when most of your friends had boyfriends or husbands. So, we didn't chat about stuff until things were more serious.

 

Let me edit that to say, if I did talk about first dates, they were more like "disastrous first date stories" over wine and cheese!

 

Interesting. I've always had at least a friend or 2 that are single or at least were when I was single and vise versa....and my married friends love to hear about my dating life. lol

 

I don't discuss dates with my mother or my sister until it's a little more serious....but in the world of OLD I usually tell my BFF anytime I'm going to meet a complete stranger for a first meet (even if just as a safety precaution) and usually she asks how it went.

[Sportster2005]

Is that what people tell you or is that an assumption? I'm not challenging, I am just wondering.

 

I mean, I understand that is the narrative about online dating. People are impatient, people are superficial, but I would like to hear some evidence of it as a phenomenon.

 

I would also. I'm sure there are some/many? instances of it. But I think a lot (not referring to anyone specific) it sometimes is people getting frustrated and placing blame for failure. I do it sometimes. It's at these times I remind myself that someone who has a good attitude in dating has an advantage. I suppose it's normal to get frustrated, but it's unhealthy to stay frustrated. It would be fascinating to see these phenomenons studied more. I don't know how you could. Few people would be willing to self identify as superficial/impatient etc.

[Sportster2005]

Too bad for me, Sportster, my world is falling apart now….……

 

O.K. just kidding, back to your theory, I have the impression, that you are overthinking this whole thing, but maybe that’s just me. I am reading a lot of threads on here about dating and I generally have the impression that people should be must more selective BEFORE they agree to a date.

 

I was on an online dating site 9 years ago, which was a paid site and you would be matched with people according to your searches and compatibility. You had to go through a whole questionnaire, before you could start to set up your profile. All in all I was on that site for 7-8 months. After a few weeks I found out it works best for me, if I sent the first message. I have been exchanging messages with various men, didn’t count them. I had phone conversations with 8-9 different men and only dates with 4-5 men. The last one I was in a relationship with for 4 and half years. I have to say it did not last in the end, but well such is life.

 

I think what a lot of people do in their coffee dates, I did in my messages and phone conversations. I never did coffee dates. I must admit that all of the men lived a bit further away, except for one, but when I agreed to a date, I was comfortable that there was enough interest to make it through an entire dinner/lunch and eventually a drink afterwards.

 

So perhaps it is an idea to approach this dating thing in a different way.

 

Good luck with your search, I am sure there is some nice over 50 lady waiting for you!

 

It's just a preference. 47 is within range

 

I am overthinking. Do as I say, not as I do It's a form of anxiety. I haven't run in a few days. That, and I try to rationalize that which is irrational.

 

I am evolving as a dater. When I first started at around 45 age and looks were very important. I know shocking, eh. Looks are still important, but I'm looking for a match. It's hard to explain. If I see an attractive women, I'll read her profile. If there's nothing there, it doesn't matter what she looks like. I'm more selective in finding a match. This woman was actually someone I felt was a very good match. We seemed to fit. Close in age. Close in fitness. Close in education and occupation. Heck we even grew up together, but didn't know each other. She lived a few streets over. We went to high school together. During our first time out when we discovered this we were giving out names to see if we had mutual childhood friends. One of the names I mentioned, lived two doors down from me when I was around 6 to 10 years old. She laughed and replied they were close friends and were seeing each other the next day. She had no serious red flags. Seemed genuine. And the most important thing was she was in no rush. I felt I had finally tuned and calibrated my woman picker. Now I just have to work on my woman keeper

[Sportster2005]

And vice versa too! Women might like you that you aren't all that into.

 

Or I'm oblivious to. I've mistaken friendliness for interest and vice versa. I don't lie awake in bed and wonder why I'm single

[Sportster2005]

I hate men who do not pursue...unless of course I don't want them to pursue.

 

Hahahaha....didn't realize my little tongue in cheek comment was going to garner such responses!

 

It's sort of along the same lines of....You're damned if you do....you're damned if you don't!

 

If I hardly know the person, I am NOT further intrigued if they ignore me. (and they think the ball is now in my court) Now once after I've been seeing the person...and they don't contact, I think, What's up??

 

Who knows. If I really liked someone, I'd shelve my dignity for one last shot across the bow!

 

btw ITIC....did you notice my signature? Never had one before...

 

How dare you try to interject humor when I'm worked up to a full lather and ranting on foolishly

 

You should have used a smiley, it is quite funny

[Sportster2005]

Which ultimately means a guy might get crapped on simply because his date's best friend is having problems with her husband so she wants to be hyper-negative. Or just as bad, her friend is bitter about her dating prospect so she puts down everything about you just because if she's still single everyone should still be single.

 

I don't think it's always a male gender problem. A woman who has earned an unfair reputation or been the target of gossip could equally get looked over.

[Sportster2005]

Well, based on what you've described about the way she was talking to you and how things went on that second date, it doesn't sound like you seriously misread anything. I think we both agree that you shouldn't have sent a text trying to anticipate her rejecting you -- and you should not do that in the future. Wait to be rejected before you know what's going on. But she was also flaky not to text, so that was on her.

 

I just don't think it's reasonable to conclude that it's you, or the 2nd date, when there is so much missing from the picture. The tendency is to take a small handful of facts, and then go extrapolating from that, just to have the closure of a theory, or a reason to explain it all. The truth is, you really don't have any idea what's going through her head, or her reasons. I'd say that's my #1 take-away from my online experience -- don't assume ANYTHING. One time, I had a long stretch of laryngitis, and a guy I was communicating with ended up assuming it was my way of blowing him off, which was really sad because I thought we could have had a lot of potential from our discussions online. But ironically, that said something about him to me -- that he wasn't wiling to give the benefit of the doubt, and was so mistrustful, and as he was accusatory in the process, I felt like I had a glimpse of something not meant to be, even if it was revealed in such a ridiculous context over an imagined issue.

 

Even with being on POF again -- how do you know she isn't just browsing with no desire or intent to contact anyone? Maybe she's depressed about her dad's health, and it's a way to chill out and get some distraction. I've done that myself with dating sites -- used browsing as a distraction, to just "window shop" on a stressful day, just as you'd flip through a magazine without any intention of buying anything. Maybe this isn't the right time for her to be dating, even if she thinks you're an "awesome guy." Maybe she felt she owed it to herself to at least try, but the thought of really moving forward with it is nerve-wracking or overwhelming due to her other life issues (and a kid, too? maybe that's another whole story). Maybe she wanted to put her best foot forward, and realized she was in over her head. Maybe she'd like to see you again, but has too much on her plate and didn't know how to tell you that, and is bummed that she'd like to extend this over time more, but feels that she'd be moving too slowly for anyone. Maybe she felt it wasn't fair to you if she's half in and you're all in.

 

Lots of maybes.

 

The reason I like the friend approach is that when you establish a friendship, and tell the person you'd just like to get to know them, no pressure, they don't feel there's an implied need to finally close a deal. We're not wasting each other's time if we just enjoy the time we spend together, regardless of the outcome. And that keeps my foot in the door for something else to happen. I know this isn't your bag, but I'm just explaining why it's mine.

 

I think it's really good that you're thinking in terms of abundance and non-scarcity! That's the right spirit. But don't make that another way of being impatient for results.

 

I also don't think there's anything wrong with after a time has passed, to contact someone and say, "hey, long time no talk -- how have you been? Any luck here yet? I hope your dad is better." And just see where that leads. I've had guys contact me again after like, a year, and say something like, I'd like to get re-acquainted and I don't see that as desperate or undignified or whatever. I don't think it's undignified to text and say, "I hope your dad is better. Let me know if you'd be down for getting out sometime again." You can add, "take care", haha.

 

I think it's better to leave it in someone's court than to just assume what they're thinking and feeling, and make your last word silence. And then it's also clear you're not clinging onto them.

 

Put it out there as best you can, and then let the chips fall as they may. I think you could have done that a little more completely.

 

I'm quoting the whole thing in case anyone skipped the original. There are too many maybes. I think I'm trying to bury them under an 'analysis' a 'theory'. I think I just might be a bit paralyzed by inaction, so if I write and write, that's sort of like doing something.

 

It's hard to mount a defense. I can't even continue in my roll as devil's advocate. I have some serious thinking to do.

[Sportster2005]

 

In fact, the fact that Sportster is not on the dating site might be sending a message other than what is intended. My understanding is Sportster took it down because he was not really using it but to her it may have come across as that he met her and was ready to take his profile down immediately, which may have freaked her out a bit as she was looking to take things slow.

 

I never considered that. And I don't know what to do about it. I guess nothing. If I contact her and we chat and it comes up I will just tell her the reasons. During our conversation I mentioned I don't stay on there a lot. She may have concluded that I just deleted it, because it was just time. But if you're correct and she's thinking that, it lowers my already diminishing chances.

[IAmFCA]

I'm quoting the whole thing in case anyone skipped the original. There are too many maybes. I think I'm trying to bury them under an 'analysis' a 'theory'. I think I just might be a bit paralyzed by inaction, so if I write and write, that's sort of like doing something.

 

It's hard to mount a defense. I can't even continue in my roll as devil's advocate. I have some serious thinking to do.

 

I agree with this!

[journeynow]

Another perspective on the "friend" approach…I don't know how to say this….dating seems so unnatural, how can you know in one short meet or two if you have potential long term for love? For me I think it would take more time and less pressure. That's how it worked for us, we were friends of friends first, grew on each other in a non-dating context, then fell for each other, and were together 30 years. Neither of us are conventional in many respects, and if we'd approached it as is done now with online dating, date 1, maybe date 2 to assess, judge, and decide, we very likely would not have progressed. Crazy to me that dating is so much like shopping.

[Sportster2005]

Another perspective on the "friend" approach…I don't know how to say this….dating seems so unnatural, how can you know in one short meet or two if you have potential long term for love? For me I think it would take more time and less pressure. That's how it worked for us, we were friends of friends first, grew on each other in a non-dating context, then fell for each other, and were together 30 years. Neither of us are conventional in many respects, and if we'd approached it as is done now with online dating, date 1, maybe date 2 to assess, judge, and decide, we very likely would not have progressed. Crazy to me that dating is so much like shopping.

 

I think if you looked around you would find most relationships get their start through dating. Be it online, friend of a friend or just some serendipitous meeting. I've never fallen for a friend. I don't think the approaches are mutually exclusive, and there is nothing wrong with either idea. Boils down to different strokes for different folks.

 

In this particular case, with this woman, I'm more than happy to follow her approach. Or more accurately I would have been Her emphasis was getting to know me. She explained everyone she knows, she's known all her life. She was also concerned about a relationship without friendship. She explained if you're just in a relationship and things go bad people can abandon you. If your partner is also your friend they will stick with you. Hard to argue with that. And since she was showing and expressing signs of more that friendship it seemed a natural and enjoyable way to proceed. There was no guarantee of any outcome. But at least she expressed and interest and hope.

 

Contrast that to an experience in the summer. I was on a dating site. Explicitly for dating. During our first meet we talk about Match. In the conversation she mentions it's good for finding friends. Which I thought odd. The rest of the evening went fine. She asked me to call her later... long story short..she showed very little romantic interest and was pushing the idea of friendship. We agreed that we enjoyed each other's company, let's see where things go. On our second meet she seemed to be acting more like a friend. Talking about other dates etc. At the end of the meet she said she thought people have the wrong idea about Match. Then she made a comment about meeting people through friends and just going out together. So I said I would like to take you out again. She said sure. But she expressed "just friends". To which I declined. She explained there was no chemistry but wanted to remain friends. I declined. She was very insistent. It was getting uncomfortable. I texted her later that nigh. Thanked her the afternoon. She replied "too bad you don't want to be friends".

 

Two different scenarios. I won't entertain the second one. It's simply being friend zoned. That's different than someone you've met through dating wanting to make sure the basics of friendship are there.

 

After that happened I wanted to take a break from dating. So I befriended a woman I wanted to date earlier in the year. I bumped into her a lot and didn't feel for her anymore. But that didn't last long. We have a lot in common. I thought it would be a nice friendship. Yes deep inside I entertained 'what ifs'. But what happened is I fell in way over my head. It would have lead to unrequited emotions, possibly even love. I may have already started to love her, in platonic way. It was a very confusing time. I bailed.

 

Friendship is necessary in a relationship. I won't pursue women who are ONLY interested in friendship. Especially when they are on dating sites. I still think that was just weird. Especially since her profile made no mention of it. Or maybe she took one look at me and put me in the friend zone, but really liked my company. It doesn't matter I guess. The result is the same.