Contact with the ex

[lajavanaise]

Today was courtday about visitations for my daughter and her father (the ex)

I ignored him the whole time. Never even looked at him, just from the side.

I felt NOTHING, all my feelings seemed to be GONE !!!

 

When it was over I recieved a text from him.

How he wished that Sunday (his visitation day) he wished I would be at home so we could talk as normal partens of our child.

 

WELL ... Again with the talking. I took an attorney so i wouldn't have to talk with him.

Now he wants to talk YET AGAIN.

 

I was thinking about going for a walk with the baby when he comes over and acting indifferent, I know I can do it now.

I think indifference will hurt him more then me ignoring him.

Not that I want to have contact, but this one time to show I am the bigger person.

 

I want him to know I am over it. I still have work to do, but I'm getting there.

Is going for a walk with him better then ignoring him ?

Me ignoring him just means I am still hurting in my opinion while being able to talk without feelings (indifference) will have more impact.

 

I want him to see me as the strong woman I am.

 

Thanks for opinions !

[DoF]

Your current act does not make you a strong woman (unfortunately), I'm sorry. You will need to communicate with him on CHILD ONLY basis.

 

There is only ONE exception to "No Contact" rule when it comes to healing/getting over someone. And that is, a CHILD. This means, you will need to be that much stronger and healing will be that much harder, but you are a strong/mature woman so you can do it, right?

 

You need to communicate with him. But "Child ONLY" communication. Swallow your pride and do it FOR YOUR CHILD. After all, you do want your child to have a father figure in their life. I can't even begin to stress to you how important that is.

[Hollyj]

Be less concerned with how he sees you, and focus more on what's is best for you.

 

I would follow your lawyer's advice regarding communication. Don't overthink and play games; do what is best for your child.

[HeartGoesOn]

I want him to know I am over it. I still have work to do, but I'm getting there.

Is going for a walk with him better then ignoring him ?

Me ignoring him just means I am still hurting in my opinion while being able to talk without feelings (indifference) will have more impact.

 

Why would you want to "go for a walk with him" if you're "over it?" You don't owe him anything, and least of all any conversation that will have more impact. Either way, be careful and keep in mind how he put you in this situation.

[lajavanaise]

I was talking about a walk with his child, so that he would be able to do that ...

And I do want him to see I've grown stronger, don't want to talk about the relationship at all.

 

I just don't know how to act ...

[DoF]

Also wanted to add.

 

Swallow your pride, put your resentment to the side.......that's what strong people do!!! What happened happened, there is no sense of dwelling on it now. Be positive and optimistic and do your best!

[Tanzi]

If you still have feelings for him then they will show through at some point. Hiding behind indifference when you aren't really there won't work.

 

There is some middle ground between going for a walk with him and ignoring him. You can politely decline going for a walk without it meaning you are being funny in any way. Try to find some middle ground on which to communicate that suits you both.

[Seraphim]

You don't need to go walking with him to co parent. I think that just encourages a guy like him.

[amipushy]

I was talking about a walk with his child, so that he would be able to do that ...

And I do want him to see I've grown stronger, don't want to talk about the relationship at all.

 

I just don't know how to act ...

 

When you really are over him you wouldn't DREAM of going for a walk with him or feel the need to hold your head high infront of him and prove how well you are doing, you shut him down and keep him of your life because you are no longer together and he doesn't have the right to know anything about you or how you feel anymore. Button down your hatches and dont let him in. Just by posing these questions proves that you are not ready. Keep any and all contact with him about the child.

[Cheetarah]

Eww I would never go for a walk with my ex. I don't want him to know how we are doing. I take steps to prevent it. Of course there is no visitation so it's different, but I wouldn't dream of this stuff..Actually that sounds like a nightmare.

 

You're not over it. If you were, you wouldn't have to dream up the best way to show him you are 'over it'. You wouldn't have to because it would just BE.

 

You keep saying you don't want him back in all your threads, but I wonder if that's really true or you're trying hard to convince yourself that it is - And if you are, that's okay. Sometimes we make decisions with our heads and it takes awhile for the heart to catch up.

[boltnrun]

Yep, fake it 'til you make it.

 

And I agree...trying desperately to show him you're "over him" confirms you are not over him.

 

I advise against the walk with the baby plan.

[lajavanaise]

Yep, fake it 'til you make it.

 

And I agree...trying desperately to show him you're "over him" confirms you are not over him.

 

I advise against the walk with the baby plan.

 

Thanks !

Running away from him won't make it any better, I need to face this man since we have a child. I need to start somewhere eventually.

[lajavanaise]

Eww I would never go for a walk with my ex. I don't want him to know how we are doing. I take steps to prevent it. Of course there is no visitation so it's different, but I wouldn't dream of this stuff..Actually that sounds like a nightmare.

 

You're not over it. If you were, you wouldn't have to dream up the best way to show him you are 'over it'. You wouldn't have to because it would just BE.

 

You keep saying you don't want him back in all your threads, but I wonder if that's really true or you're trying hard to convince yourself that it is - And if you are, that's okay. Sometimes we make decisions with our heads and it takes awhile for the heart to catch up.

 

After his actions, NO I do not want him back, BUT what am I to do ? stare at him for 3 hours while he is at my place with the baby ? I just want to face him, I am sick of hiding. How does that mean I am not over him, it's only been a month and I have a lot of healing to do, but I am just glad today I felt nothing and feel strong enough to finally face him. Also we still have courtdates, so it's better to talk FOR NOW and try to agree on an arangement for my babygirl if we can. Once it's been set well I won't bother that much anymore, but I need to start somewhere.

[Cheetarah]

Because every single one of your threads is about him and his 'mentality'! It took me time to get past how my ex treated us, it didn't happen overnight. Gosh there's no shame in that. It's human nature, we don't just get over stuff because the other person did.

 

Look, if you want to take walks with him together that's your business. But after your recent threads it just seems like you're looking for a little something more.

[lajavanaise]

Because every single one of your threads is about him and his 'mentality'! It took me time to get past how my ex treated us, it didn't happen overnight. Gosh there's no shame in that. It's human nature, we don't just get over stuff because the other person did.

 

Look, if you want to take walks with him together that's your business. But after your recent threads it just seems like you're looking for a little something more.

 

I would be lying if I were to say I wouldn't want him to regret his ations, but I'd never want him back, he already dumped me once before, this is the second time, with a baby. I would be insane to ever take him back.

[saluk]

Please don't take offense by this, but you took him back before. So if you would be insane now to ever take him back...

 

These things come in waves. You felt indifferent in that setting, but get him in an intimate setting with you, and there is no predicting what your heart may do. The heart is a funny thing, and sometimes it can be surprising the changes it goes through in a short amount of time. This is the FIRST time you felt indifferent. In my experience that means you will love him again, and then hate him again and then be indifferent again quite a few more times. Especially if you allow your self in situations that could excite that, and give him a pathway in where he can reach that part of you that you feel like you've closed off. Your cut has stopped bleeding and has scabbed over - don't scratch it and poke it to see how healed you actually are! You need to protect yourself.

 

Show him how strong you are by NOT letting yourself be baited. Ignore him except for where you have to coordinate time with the baby. It doesn't mean you are still hurting - it means you are preventing yourself from being hurt.

[ParisPaulette]

Is he under supervised custody? Is that why the walk with him? I ask, because that's the impression I got. Otherwise why on earth would you offer to go on a walk together??? Makes no sense unless you're afraid he'll take off with the baby at which point no, you keep him under watch and you talk to your attorney and the courts about your concerns.

 

Make it all about the child only, tell him calmly there is nothing to discuss if it's not about the baby, he made his choices and must now live with the consequences. After that only respond to talk about the baby and ignore everything else.

 

How he perceives you is irrelevant. You're still trying to rationalize behaviors in another you yourself won't do, but there are no answers. He has acted one way, you act another, end of story. All you can do is yes be indifferent, but that indifference is shown by simply not interacting with him except over the child.

[HeartGoesOn]

Also we still have courtdates, so it's better to talk FOR NOW and try to agree on an arangement for my babygirl if we can. Once it's been set well I won't bother that much anymore, but I need to start somewhere.

 

This can be settled through mediation through the court system. In other words, this issue can usually be agreed upon with a third party being present, where you can avoid a situation of being one on one with your ex.

 

Of course this is your decision, but based on your other threads, I have a hunch you're looking for an excuse to re-open communication with him. This is not meant to sound offensive, but you need to guard your heart and not jump back into the fire.

[boltnrun]

My beautiful, sweet cousin stays with the father of her child because she is determined they are going to be a family. Despite his complete disregard of her and his continual attempts to get with other girls.

 

Do you want a family with your child's father? Is that your greatest wish?

[superfan]

Has custody been agreed upon? Are you still hashing it out?

 

No matter how much you say you are "over him" your determination to "appear" over him for his benefit says otherwise. If you are really over him your sole focus would be on what the best option is for your daughter and not how that may/may not make you look. You would not be over analyzing every possible interaction with him and how it will make you look.

 

Does this conversation between the two of you need to happen? Is it really about your child? If so, you can likely have it mediated by someone from the courts. There are ways of doing that without you having to be alone together if civility isn't possible. If you feel that you can discuss matters regarding your daughter then do so, but don't plan out romantic walks or worry about how it will make you look. Sit down, discuss the issues, be civil and leave. End of.

 

Bottom line, if the conversation doesn't NEED to happen, then don't let it happen. Let the courts do their thing and worry about your child.

[lajavanaise]

Is he under supervised custody? Is that why the walk with him? I ask, because that's the impression I got. Otherwise why on earth would you offer to go on a walk together??? Makes no sense unless you're afraid he'll take off with the baby at which point no, you keep him under watch and you talk to your attorney and the courts about your concerns.

 

Make it all about the child only, tell him calmly there is nothing to discuss if it's not about the baby, he made his choices and must now live with the consequences. After that only respond to talk about the baby and ignore everything else.

 

How he perceives you is irrelevant. You're still trying to rationalize behaviors in another you yourself won't do, but there are no answers. He has acted one way, you act another, end of story. All you can do is yes be indifferent, but that indifference is shown by simply not interacting with him except over the child.

 

We went to court, my attorney told me once we had been there would be no danger of him taking the baby for a walk ALONE.

I just can't handle that thought ...

I am starting to worry now, I won't know how to act, like you said, only about the baby and nothing else.

[lajavanaise]

My beautiful, sweet cousin stays with the father of her child because she is determined they are going to be a family. Despite his complete disregard of her and his continual attempts to get with other girls.

 

Do you want a family with your child's father? Is that your greatest wish?

 

I would LOVED to have a father for my child, but how can a father leave his child and the mother of his child right after birth ?

He left me once already, and I was stupid enough to take him back only for him to leave me again.

This is the kind of person that once he's bored with the relationship will look elsewhere again for more exciting things ...

The start of a relationship is great, but once he's bored he'll start looking somewhere else again I'm sure.

I can't do that to my daughter.

[Hermes]

Lajavanaise

 

Would you ever, please, try to steady yourself down! Worry will get you nowhere. All the other posters are giving good advice. And maybe you'd listen to your attorney too. S/he is there to advise you on the purely legal aspects of the case, so please listen and take note.

 

Panic is a very bad advisor. What do you want to do. Send a bodyguard with the baby when your ex takes the child for a walk?

 

Try to settle down a bit, get your thinking together and don't let panic blind you.

 

You know, Java, I even get the impression y ou are not reading what we (the posters) are writing. No one said to get back with the father of your child. What was asked is: "Is THAT what you want"?

[lajavanaise]

Lajavanaise

 

Would you ever, please, try to steady yourself down! Worry will get you nowhere. All the other posters are giving good advice. And maybe you'd listen to your attorney too. S/he is there to advise you on the purely legal aspects of the case, so please listen and take note.

 

Panic is a very bad advisor. What do you want to do. Send a bodyguard with the baby when your ex takes the child for a walk?

 

Try to settle down a bit, get your thinking together and don't let panic blind you.

 

You know, Java, I even get the impression y ou are not reading what we (the posters) are writing. No one said to get back with the father of your child. What was asked is: "Is THAT what you want"?

 

No, how could that even be what I want ?

He left me with our baby to live with another woman, I don't know how anyone could accept taking someone back who did that ...

It's still hard, has been only a month, but I am kinda relieved that I didn't feel any kind of emotions the time at the court.

I know that I will probably still have a roalercoaster of feelings along the road seeing it's still fresh and all, but I need to think about my baby.

 

Yes I do panic, it has been a month since he's seen her and I just don't feel comfortable knowing he'll take her alone ...

What should I do ? Let him go alone ?

Or just go along but talk about the child ONLY ?

 

I hate being in this situation ... He is the father and he has the right to take her along, but still, it's hard.

[Hermes]

No, you most certainly will not go along to "talk about the child ONLY". By no means.

 

Again, would you please consult your attorney and listen to his/her advice. If you have concerns about the ex being alone with the child (what do you think he might do??) then tell the attorney that, explain WHY, be as coherent as you can, and accordingly see if a social worker can't be brought into the equation if your concerns are so overwhelming.

 

We can't tell you what you should do, by any means. That is your lawyer's job and that of any expert opinions or others involved in the case. Your child's welfare has priority here.

 

Yes, Holly, you said it!

 

"Don't overthink and play games; do what is best for your child.