Ex asked me to have an affair; should I tell his wife?

[potd2009]

Several years ago, my ex-boyfriend's and my turbulent relationship came to an end. He was almost instantly (~10 days) involved with another woman. They became engaged a few weeks later and married around four months later. They are still married, and they now live in a different country.

 

At the start of my ex's relationship with his now-wife, he and I reconnected to discuss getting back together. Keep in mind, our breakup was only a few days old at the time. He told me that he was in a monogamous relationship with her, but after several hours of talking, pledged that he was going to break up with her. I naively slept with him that night based on that pledge. Needless to say, he lied. Shortly thereafter, he moved in with her and they became engaged. I considered whether to tell her about his infidelity then, but felt that I couldn't do so with pure motivations. I still had strong feelings for him, and I didn't want to tell her out of a desire to get back at him for hurting me. Especially as he claimed that it was a one-time incident based on his strong feelings for me and confusion whether to resume our relationship, and he had never cheated before and never would again, I decided that it was in everyone's best interest not to tell her. I'd avoid acting out of revenge/impure motivation; he would have a second chance to act morally; and she'd have a shot at a committed relationship with him, if he was determined never to violate that commitment again going forward. Meanwhile, he and I went NC and stayed NC for the next seven years - which was also in everyone's best interest.

 

About a year after our relationship ended, a mutual acquaintance claimed to have slept with him while he was engaged to his now-wife (and admitted that she may also have slept with him when he and I were supposedly in an exclusive relationship). This was painful to hear, but helped me to get over him and move on. A couple of years later, he and his now-wife relocated out of the country (as I heard from mutual friends), and I figured I'd never hear from him again.

 

Fastforward to this past week. He returned to my city for business and contacted me to have dinner. I've been over him for years, and I agreed to meet him for dinner for two reasons. First, I was just curious to hear how he was doing, and hoped I'd find he was happily married and in a much better place. Second, I wanted to see if enough time had passed that we could resume a platonic friendship. No such luck. He's unhappily married, still claims to be very much into me, and asked fairly directly if I'd have an affair with him for the next few weeks while he's in town. I was appalled and very disappointed. I immediately declined, ended our evening and went home. I've since blocked him on social media and have not responded when he's attempted to contact me. The reality that I was once involved with a serial liar and cheater is disappointing. And I'm disgusted by the hypocrisy; his wife and he converted after they were married to an orthodox religious tradition that mandates monogamy, and she'd have every reason to expect that he would take his marital vows especially seriously.

 

Honestly, I'm inclined to resume NC from now to eternity and just leave things there. It's clear that this person is toxic, dishonest, and unable to honor his commitments. For my own sake, I should do everything possible to ensure I never interact with him again. A small part of me is wondering whether this is the selfish approach, though, and whether it would be more ethical to contact his wife to share what just happened. I feel that if I were the wife, I would want to know. And I also know that now, I have no feelings for him (other than disgust), and would be able to reach out with only her "best interest" in mind.

 

But I put "best interest" in parentheses, because I'm not sure I really know what that means in this context. I don't know her at all, although we have mutual friends/friendly acquaintances in common I could ask for advice if I really wanted to get that involved. I really have no sense of whether she'd want to know, or whether she'd be happier not knowing. I also don't even know whether she'd believe me; I have no written proof of his request to have an affair this week, although I do have emails in which he admitted the incident in which he cheated on her with me seven years ago (again, though, dredging up these old emails is way more involved than I think I'd want to be). And who would really be better off if she knew? The two have a very young, special needs child who may never be able to live independently from them. It seems like it's at least in the child's best interest that her parents have the best relationship possible...which seems to favor nondisclosure.

 

On the whole, I lean towards just going NC again and ensuring I never have contact with my ex ever again. But if anyone thinks that I have an obligation to tell the wife, I'm interested to hear your thoughts.

[shessofly]

Eternal nc. Meeting up with him was a bad idea.

[browneyedgirl36]

Leave this one be. NC forever, and don't contact his wife. If he's unhappy, she's probably aware of it, and she's probably really unhappy too. It's better for you to just disappear and not give this guy one more second of your time. His relationship will play out however it's going to, most likely ending in divorce.

 

Consider yourself fortunate to be well rid of this jerk -- forever.

[HLnoelle]

Oh man oh man does this sound familiar lol. So glad we have both moved on. Be glad you are not the one married to him, I feel sorry for her. She does deserve to know in a way. But it will cause drama, and most likely she will stay with him regardless to try to work it out. So it's up to you if you really want to go there or not. I'm on the fence of if I would or not. If you are worried about the drama that will fallout, just find a way to tell her and make sure the both of them are blocked after so the both of them can't bother you. And that is that. I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to though. Personally now I don't like to get involved in that stuff.

[Patrick974]

No need to tell his wife. She might know sooner or later. And NC for life. Social media and Smartphone. Real life too. This guy is a clusterf*ck of emotions.

[Ms Darcy]

I would say that if he had contacted you and make the request via email, maybe tell her -- since you would have evidence.

 

But this is all verbal he said/she said. And as a liar, he will lie. I would just do yor best to avoid him (NC) and move on.

 

Sorry this happened.

[tiredofvampires]

I agree with the others that you should stay out of this.

 

You also have something else to consider besides what's been said. He might become vindictive, and a vindictive liar could do you some damage which you can't now foresee. Also, this "proof" that you have that he cheated on her 7 years ago really doesn't paint you as lily white, either. You slept with him, yourself, when he was with her. How do you think he might spin this, as a vindictive liar? That you seduced him, you've never gotten over him and now want to spite him, perhaps? No matter how you slice it, you don't come out as the paragon of ethical behavior yourself, so that could backfire.

[Willywagtail]

I don't think that the break up sex has anything to do with this situation. From what you wrote, there was still hope of reconciliation, and he'd only been with her literally a couple of days.

 

OP, I don't think there is any point telling his wife. At some level, women frequently know. He has cheated on her and cheated on you, and I bet they weren't the only times.

 

Let's face it, he's a worm. He will stumble and fall, and when he does, it won't be pretty. Best to remove yourself from anything to do with him. Any contact with his wife will put the spotlight on you, and who knows what lies he'd tell to worm his way out of the situation?

[abitbroken]

Please lose his number forever and don't let an affair cross your mind.

 

Also, he is probably not so unhappily married. He is saying that so you will feel sympathy and sleep with him.

 

And if you tell the wife without knowing her you will look non credible - because you would have to explain that you had been sleeping with him when they were together in the beginning.

[ParisPaulette]

Here's what you do. You text him or email him the following message. "You are a skanky wh**e man child who is a terrible, terrible person for even beginning to think I'd help you cheat on your wife. Never contact me again."

 

Then you block and delete him and go for eternal NC.

 

Now, by sending him an electronic message whether by text or by email that message sits out there in the universe forevermore. Not saying it'll come back some day to bite him in the butt, but should his wife ever get suspicious and go looking or some enemy hack his accounts or even heaven forbid he become a congressman and his emails/texts get court ordered to be exhumed that message will be sitting there in all its glory. And you won't have done a single thing wrong, but tell someone off for asking you to have an affair with him.

 

If it were me that's what I'd do and let him sweat the fact, or not, that this message is now out there in the electronic/Internet world where nothing every dies or can be eradicated completely. And then do eternal NC 'cause yeah, why would you ever talk to a skanky wh**e man child like that again.

[TMifune]

I'd tell his wife.

 

I wouldn't get involved in any drama. Everyone's completely right that you should get yourself lose all ways you have of contacting him and change every reasonable way you can of him contacting you. But knowing that he's stepping out on his wife and knowing that I didn't do anything to try to let her know....I think that'd eat at me over time.

[redswim30]

Stay out of it. You know that by telling her, it's to get revenge on him. Not really for her, people make this mistake all the time.

 

Truth reveals itself. Also agree, he can't be THAT unhappy with her or he wouldn't continue to stay. He just wants free sex.

 

Rid yourself of him completely. Cut contact. You know he's a liar and a cheater. You really care about his wife, then stay out of his life permanently and in any capacity.

[Fudgie]

I love this idea. There is always a chance she will see it, you get to tell him off, and it may just upset him....so good points all around!