You just can't rely on anyone but yourself...

[ajhurst210]

Why are human beings such shady lying rotten creatures to the ones that love them? I just don't understand it.

 

4 months ago the woman I loved and thought loved me dumped me for another man after spending most of our relationship talking to one of her exes behind my back knowing I wasn't comfortable with it... Ok, sure... maybe she found someone better suited to her after 2 and a half years and maybe she's just the type of person who likes to be friends with an ex... whatever. Life goes on right? It was just two years and that's very little in the grand scheme of things. Can't hold it against her, can't hold it against me, she just is different than me and has different values. And break ups are part of life. Shouldn't assume that all love is unreliable right?

 

So during all this crap and emotional turmoil I'm going through who do I turn to for support and stability? My family. Because your family are the ones who aren't supposed to lie to you or betray you. They're supposed to be your anchor during rough waters. Your safe place. Your reassurance that not everybody is out to hurt everyone else.

 

But what do I find out over the weekend? My dad is having an affair on my mother. 35 plus years together means jack.... a wedding ring means jack... legal and spiritual vows mean jack... Two children and 2 grandchildren mean jack. Because at the end of the day, people will always be capable of hurting the ones they love. Of being cowards. Of being selfish. Of lying and cheating and pretending. People will always eventually just want more than just the love and affection of just one person.

 

You can't believe the words "I love you" from someone... how can you? You can't trust anyone, not your girlfriend or boyfriend, not your friends, not even your own parent.

 

The years are slowly teaching me that love is just a fairy tale. It's not magical or happy or indestructible. It's frail, and weak, and fragile. It's full of meaningless trivial fights and petty disagreements. Time and time again it's just a huge disappointment. In my 30 years on this planet I've made my mistakes and broke my share of hearts sure. But I've never raised a hand to hit someone, especially someone I love and am in a relationship with... but yet, I've been hit before, by two different partners. I've never kept an innapproaite friendship with another female while in a relationship, but yet I've had many girls have secret innapproaite friendships behind my back while dating me. I've never cheated on one of my partners except for way back when I was 15 years old i kissed another girl while in a short relationship and I immediately felt so bad that I fessed up to and then dumped my girlfriend and stopped talking to the other girl. But yet I've been cheated on more times than I can count in "serious" relationships.. and seen other people date two or three people at once behind all their backs. So many people on here have stories of being lied to or betrayed or tossed aside like trash, in fact, almost anyone you meet has at least one story like that. There are freaking websites dedicated to strictly finding someone to cheat with like ashleymadison. And with cell phones and social media, it's becoming easier and easier to have affairs and betray trust... at any given moment you have potential to cheat at your fingertips. Even if it's just emotional cheating, which if you ask me, is worse!!

 

My mother is the sweetest, most loyal, most selfless and kind person I will ever know. I could travel accross the entire world and never meet someone as amazing as her. She gave my father her entire life starting at 17 years old believing that he'd give his back to her faithfully but yet, in the end he's screwing around on her. Pages and pages and pages of texts to another woman calling her baby and honey and telling her he loves her and misses her and wishes he could be with her. All this from the palm of his hand while probably sitting in the living room with his wife.

 

It just goes to show that you can be as loyal as you want to a person, it won't matter. You go through this life making mistakes yeah, cuz nobody is perfect... but you try to be a good person overall. Try to be respectful and kind to those around you in the hopes your love and compassion will be reciprocated and returned.

 

But it's like we're all just walking around with blinders over our eyes. We're naive, and love is the most naive thing about being human.

 

I will not waste another second of my life on the illusion of love. I'm finished. What a joke.

[TMifune]

The years are slowly teaching me that love is just a fairy tale. It's not magical or happy or indestructible. It's frail, and weak, and fragile.

 

Love is a choice. I don't think most people recognize that. They think it comes from some weird "feelings" place that's somehow separate from themselves. Almost like it's bestowed upon them. Those that don't understand it's a choice judge it by their fleeting feelings and that's what makes it weak. It is constantly at risk of 1 person out of the 2 making a choice that shatters it into more pieces than a forensic investigator could ever put back together. But when those two people understand it's a choice and they continue to make it with focus and compassion toward the other, it is beautiful and it is strong.

 

Set your mind now....when you love again...and you wil.....your love will be strong. Hopefully your partner's will be too.

 

And please don't destroy your relationship with your father. I know you're angry. I know he hurt your mother and where you're at that really hurts you too. But he's still your dad. You don't have to be happy about what he did, you don't have to respect him for it, but if you throw the relationship away completely, I'm almost certain you'll regret it.

 

Keep breathing!

[Clinton]

Must be Monday.

 

Not everyone is scum. A decent percentage sure, but there a lot of good people. We're all just human and we muddle through the best we can.

 

Sometimes relationships work, sometimes they don't. That's a simple fact. Sometimes people cheat and lie. That too is a fact.

 

But sometimes two people love each other an entire lifetime. It doesn't mean there aren't hiccups along the way but sometimes it lasts.

 

People are complex. Successful relationships are as much a product of luck as they are forethought.

 

Quit if thats what makes you happy. But, inmy experience, being alone full time is not that fun.

[Hollyj]

I'm sorry about your dad. That is awful. What is the family going to do?

 

Listen, your attitude is not healthy.. My parents were together for 65 years. Were very happy and respectful to one another. I also know of many other happy couples. Yes, 50% of the population cheats, but you need to focus on the percentage that doesn't. There are many of us that have never cheated and would never consider cheating.

 

Regarding your ex, there was a big red flag, there. I can see occasional contact, but on a regular basis. Not good. if you're honest with yourself, there were many more red flags.

[ajhurst210]

Overall, I'm really just angry and hurt and blowing off steam when I say I'm finished. I doubt anyone could be "finished" with wanting love and wanting to be in love even if every inch of them wants to be. It's human nature to want that connection.

 

But I just don't know how I'll ever be able to trust in it ever again after soooo much heartache and betrayal and disappointment.

 

TMifuine, I agree with every word you say... love is a choice. It's definitely not this overwhelming feeling that draws two people together and keeps them together... its like a newborn baby, you have to feed it and nurture it and take care of it otherwise it dies. Both people have to make the CHOICE to do that.

 

And I know that not everyone will cheat and there are plenty of couples I know that have happy healthy marriages... My sister for instance... She has an incredible marriage with two kids that both of them work at to keep it so healthy. I can't imagine either of them ever cheating on each other. But I also never could've imagined my father cheating on my mother. Especially after so long together. And this woman he's cheating with... She has a marriage and kids too.

 

I just don't understand. I don't know how ill ever be convinced by someone that I can have peace of mind with them. I gotta imagine it'll just come natural but it's just out of my realm of possibility right now... I just can't fathom it.

 

I wanna know what drives people to do this kind of thing? I bet most of the people who do it tell themselves they're not capable of it. That they could never cheat on someone else. I bet my father said that about himself throughout the years. But yet when you get presented with the opportunity, so many times you go against your own values and morals and give into it. Why?! What does anyone get out of it?

 

What will come of this except for two broken families?!

[Hollyj]

So what is he going to do? Does your mother know? Is she staying with him?

[surfdiva]

BIG question, does your mom know about the affair? I hate to say this but some women stay married knowing their husbands have relationships on the side. I'm NOT saying it's right, but I do know it happens.

 

I'm very sorry you're hurting, and I've actually been where you are emotionally. My husband of 18 years cheated on me and left me, totally blindsided. And I'm in the process of leaving a 3 year relationship. I'm bitter, angry, sad, every emotion you can think of.

[itsallgrand]

Loyalty is important...but so is being strong and smart about who to let in, and when to cut people off when they aren't treating you right. I am in NO way placing blame on you nor your mom for what has happened in relationships, but sometimes, people do play their parts in a relationship dynamic. It's worth considering...especially because by choosing to see what parts we play, what personality and ways we approach relationships we have, we bring the power back to ourselves again. Instead of feeling like helpless victims of a big bad world of cheaters and liars. There ARE just messed up people out there. But when i look around, I see a lot of patterns now. Patterns of dysfunction - it's not a total choatic mess with total unpredictability. OF course we can be blind sided. And good people do shyte things sometimes. But there is a comfort in knowing patterns....and being able to stop ourselves from going far into places where we are more likely to get hurt.

[ajhurst210]

That's just it, me and my sister know about it and have the evidence but can't decide what to do... To go to mom, or go to dad... to pretend we never saw it (which I know we won't be able to do)...

 

We want to confront him but we're both sure he'll lie about it since it'll be easy to just say "oh that's not me" since it's all on Facebook and not on the phone.

 

For some background on it, I was contacted over the weekend by the daughter of this woman who my dad used to work with at his old job asking me a few strange questions about what my dad was doing Saturday morning.

 

Apparently this girl's mother had been showing her a picture on her phone then a Facebook message popped up from some guy she didn't recognize and her mother yanked the phone away really quickly. (That same thing happened to me a few weeks ago too actually when my dad was showing me a picture)

 

Well this daughter had made her mom's Facebook account so she knew the password so went in to investigate and saw hundreds and hundreds of messages between these two being very loving and affectionate and flirty... Obvious cheating talk. She recognized the last name as my father's and mine since she knows us, but the first name wasn't my father. It was just a different name with my dad's last name. This account had no picture, no friends, no info except for that name. So it was obviously made in secret for the sole purpose of them two talking.

 

So this girl asked me what my dad was doing Saturday morning since this man that was talking to her mother was telling her about his day,.. About mowing up at the cabin, getting pulled over, getting stung by wasps and getting a splinter... ALL things that happened to my dad that morning. So it confirmed it was him.

 

The daughter got furious and confronted her mother without showing her that she has screenshots of the messages who adamantly denied it ever happening then proceeded to tell her she's disappointed in her for snooping. Now this morning, my dad has changed the name of that account to another name. So we know if we confront him he'll just deny it.

 

We don't know what to do. We don't wanna keep it from our mother, because she deserves to know... We don't want to gang up on our father because he's our father and we love him. We don't wanna live with it either though or keep quiet but we know it'll destroy our family and we are a very close family.

 

I'm getting physically ill from this.

[Hollyj]

I don't envy you.

 

I would have a talk with your dad.

[Ms Darcy]

Why are human beings such shady lying rotten creatures to the ones that love them? I just don't understand it.

 

My mother is the sweetest, most loyal, most selfless and kind person I will ever know.

 

I will not waste another second of my life on the illusion of love. I'm finished. What a joke.

 

So your sweet mother is going through pain and you make this about you. Perhaps, sorry to say, you are the selfish, uncaring one. As a daughter, I would be right there on a plane or at least on many long-distance calls to comfort and support mom.

 

Young people really annoy me sometimes.

 

Edit: Saw your latest post. If you are really that close to your mother I would tell her what I know and let her decide how she wants to respond. And then I would be there for her.

[AutumnBorn]

Why are human beings such shady lying rotten creatures to the ones that love them? I just don't understand it…..

 

 

Well, you said it yourself - we're human.

 

Here, let me put a nail in the coffin of your illusion of love: Passionate love is a chemical reaction, nothing more, and designed to get us to mate and reproduce. It's a chemical imbalance and, by nature, temporary. Of course, you probably already know every feeling we have is neurological. So, logically, we know there's no such thing "heartache/heartbreak". What we're experiencing when someone we love cheats or leaves us is a chemical withdrawal, nothing more.

 

The fact of the matter is, our partners are never, ever experiencing an identical chemical reaction to ours and that sea of feel good chemicals our brains are swimming in when we "fall in love" isn't supposed to last forever. That's impossible. One of the two partners in any relationship will find that their chemical balance is returning to normal sooner than the other partners. So we/they think w/they've "fallen out of love" because the feelings of excitement and euphoria that come with the neurological chemical reaction cannot be sustained indefinitely. It's physically impossible. The partner being left feels something like a heroin addict going through withdrawal - our source of euphoria is gone and we are jonesing for a fix.

 

Our partner, believing that the return to a normal chemical state means they are no longer "in love", may act out. We react, but how we do it has nothing to do with our partner's action and only with our personal history. (We never do anything because of what someone else does - we do it because of who we are.)

 

Genuine love comes with time and is simply a feeling of deep attachment, safety, and trust. Yes, it can still be romantic and sweet and feels great. Really, it feels better than the passion phase, IMO. It feels real and solid (but it's not - after all, it's still chemical). Getting there, however, is hard and most people believe that Hollywood happy ending B.S. that we're spoon fed from an early age. When the chemicals begin to rebalance, we're out of there and once again looking for euphoria.

 

But here's really the bad news: Because our feelings are chemical and we can't shut them off selectively. We have very little control over them. Chances are, you're going to love again. ~sorry~

 

If you haven't been to Al Turtle's website, I highly recommend it. Here's the link: link removed

 

Good luck.

[ajhurst210]

So your sweet mother is going through pain and you make this about you. Perhaps, sorry to say, you are the selfish, uncaring one. As a daughter, I would be right there on a plane or at least on many long-distance calls to comfort and support mom.

 

Young people really annoy me sometimes.

 

Edit: Saw your latest post. If you are really that close to your mother I would tell her what I know and let her decide how she wants to respond. And then I would be there for her.

 

Yeah, because me blowing off steam about how my father's infidelity will have not just a negative impact on my mother but my own view of love and trust immediately makes me selfish and uncaring.

 

If there's any person on this planet that I love respect and admire more it's my mother. Any good I have in me came from that woman. My heart is SHATTERED for what my father is doing to her. And you know what, yeah, I'm angry and hurt for what it's doing to ME too! And what it'll do to my sister!! I'm angry and upset for a lot of people, not just myself.

 

And before you go jumping the gun and thinking I'm some "young" self centered incompassionate person, try being in a situation where you have to chose to break up your family that you love and are close to, shatter your own mother's heart, and basically attack your own father...

 

I LOVE my family. I LOVE my mother and my father. Hell yes I will be angry and hurt for myself and the situation I'm in, I'll be angry and hurt for my mother, I'll be hurt for my father once my mother more than likely kicks him out and divorces him! I'll be angry and hurt for a lot of people! Not just myself!! Because this kind of disgusting behavior hurts everyone and benefits no one!

 

"Old" people really annoy ME sometimes!

 

 

 

But eventually, me and my sister will have to make a decision as who to approach first. Because this, this I cannot live with or stand by and let continue. I'll probably go to him and tell him HE has to tell her. Or I will. I just don't know the best course of action to take because this is not a situation I ever dreamed I'd be in! It's easy to think you'd be all like "to hell with you dad, I hope she leaves you" until you're faced with the actual situation.

[Ms Darcy]

The years are slowly teaching me that love is just a fairy tale. It's not magical or happy or indestructible. It's frail, and weak, and fragile. It's full of meaningless trivial fights and petty disagreements. Time and time again it's just a huge disappointment.

 

I think what you are recounting here isn't just blowing off steam. It's deeply negative if left unchecked. I went through something similar, actually more severe (as in he had a public "marriage ceremony" with the other woman in another country. And for me, that didn't impact the love that I have for my mother, siblings, close friends, or husband. Love comes in many more forms than in the romantic sense.

 

Cheating is never a simple black or white issue and my parents' marriage was far more complicated than even I understood. All that drama me ways to be strengthen my own relationships/friendships. Don't let it set you on a negative path.

[fwdthinker]

AJ, by chance could,you discuss this with a priest or clergy first? I don't know your beliefs but a priest would respect the privacy and give you some direction. And I do think talking with your Dad and listening to what he has to say is better than going straight to your Mom. I think that would be even worse. It would be embarrassing for her (right or wrong). It should come from her partner not her child.

[TMifune]

Thank you!!

 

(A thanks button alone wasn't enough.)

[journeynow]

My heart is SHATTERED for what my father is doing to her. And you know what, yeah, I'm angry and hurt for what it's doing to ME too! And what it'll do to my sister!! I'm angry and upset for a lot of people, not just myself.

 

Your feelings are valid. Yes, cheating affects others than just the primary couple, and yes it hurts the family. I don't think you're being selfish or uncaring. You are concerned for your mother, upset with your father, and feel caught in the middle. I'm sorry you are going through this, and it's understandable if it opens old wounds for you.

[dabei]

Very negative, very ture. I understand exactly how you feel.

I once believed in love because of my ex. Now, I have no faith at all... I don't think i will fall in love with anyone again, because it will end up hurting me. I don't believe in love anymore, because nothing lasts forever.