My rollercoaster

[thejigsup]

That must be terrible! Where I live, most places do not let smokers smoke inside their apartments. You can't smoke in your car if there are children in it, and you can't smoke in public ANYWHERE! One of the reasons I love living in So Cal.

[ambreaux405]

Texas has some properties that are smoke free, and more and more each year. I just never thought it would be a big deal as I have lived in many apartments and never had this issue before.

Live and learn. Hopefully I will be able to move soon!

[notalady]

lol you would not want to live in Australia then, ever! You can't smoke indoors anywhere. It has to be outside, and at a min several meters away from any businesses near by (can't remember the exact number).

 

It's great for us none smokers I found the smell really disgusting and disruptive of my activities (eg eating at a restaurant) when I went to countries where smoking indoors was allowed. And this comes from someone who enjoys smoking cigars and had given cigarettes a dabble years ago and didn't mind it. The second hand cigarette smell though, ugghh smells so bad..

[ambreaux405]

It sounds like I definitely WOULD love to live in Australia! I hate the smell of cigarette smoke...especially in my own home!

[notalady]

Seems that I have misread the situation as I thought you do smoke hahaha!! Yes you should definitely move to Australia then

[ambreaux405]

Oh gosh no I definitely do not smoke! I'm quite sensitive to it, apparently.

And yes Australia sounds lovely...except for the fact that all of the world's most venomous creatures live there, and if I understand correctly, come into your homes and attack you in your beds randomly. That is what I have been told, anyway.

[notalady]

Haha, never happened to me or anyone I know, or anyone they know! So I'm curious who those unlucky people are

[reinventmyself]

I had an upstairs apt years ago where an older man who smoked moved in downstairs and the smell polluted my apt!

Mind you this was years ago and I grew up with parents that smoked so my tolerance should have been pretty high.

But that didn't stop me from knocking on his door, pronto! Haha

Not sure what he did but he was nice about it, maybe a little embarrassed and it improved greatly.

Good luck with and no, no happy birthdays for the ex either ;p

[ambreaux405]

****UPDATE****

I really wish I would update this more frequently. I really do enjoy writing on here.

Last weekend was a bit rough. I was so tempted to get a hold of my ex and see how he's doing. I even wrote out all of the possible outcomes of me contacting him, or not contacting him, and it all added up to me having to contact him. I kept feeling like I will regret it forever if I do not contact him now before it's too late.

Too late for what, though? I mean...he said numerous times and in numerous different ways that he doesn't love me. His actions spoke even louder. He would have left me himself if he had the balls to do so , but he doesn't. He wasn't even man enough to do the dirty work...he just made my life miserable and pushed me to make all of the terribly hard and final decisions. So, really, too late for what? Too late to save a relationship that I'm coming to find wasn't even really a relationship at all?

 

I never really analyzed my relationship while I was in it. Deep down I always felt like something wasn't quite right about it, like we were not normal. The ways in which we were not normal seem ridiculous to me now, but at the time they were acceptable, I guess. I never met his family. Not one member of his family. He couldn't introduce me to them as I am of a different race and religion than them and they would not approve of him being with me. I mean, that should have been a dealbreaker from the beginning, right? Family is important to me. Getting married and creating my own family are important to me, yet somehow I was always able to rationalize this fundamental issue away.

 

He had no friends to speak of. Maybe 1 or 2...I think he saw them a total of 5 times in the entire time we dated. That's not healthy. I thought it was great in the beginning that he wanted to spend so much time with me, but really, I should have taken that as a red flag. A big one.

 

I don't think I need to go too much more into all the issues. The fact is, there is no reason to contact him because there is nothing to save. What we had, whatever it was, is no longer there and the smart girl that lives somewhere inside of me is saying that it's never going to happen again. Not with him.

 

I do feel like I miss him a lot. I'm sure that I do...but that will fade. I just need to be strong and continue what I am doing.

[ambreaux405]

***UPDATE N.2***

 

So this deserves it's own update.

I am moving!!!

I've been in such misery for almost a month now due to the chain smokers who moved into the unit next to mine and the incredibly inconsiderate family who lives above me.

The leasing office kept telling me that I should just move into one of their townhomes as then I wouldn't have any neighbors above or below me and I'd be away from the smokers. But the prices were always too high. Finally last weekend the price of the townhomes dropped dramatically, right into my budget! So I'll be paying just a little more than I am paying now, but I'll have more space, a GARAGE, and no noisy or smokey neighbors.

 

I am beyond NOT thrilled about having to move again, especially in the middle of the week. I'm having to miss a day of work and pack up my life for the second time in 2 months, but it will be worth it. I will be able to breathe again!

[boltnrun]

That's great news. Having an unhappy home situation (like I currently do) is so draining. I'm glad it worked out for you.

 

And remember, you don't need the ex to help you move (I'm being facetious)

 

Enjoy your new, smoke free home.

[ambreaux405]

It's funny, as soon as I found out I was moving, my brain instantly went to "Oh good! Now you will have an excuse to contact him!". It's crazy how fast my mind wants to find a reason to reach out to him. Good thing I am thinking logically because, no, I definitely do not need his help.

[boltnrun]

Try CBT. Every time you're tempted to manufacture an excuse to contact him (or, you think you HAVE to contact him so he doesn't forget you're on the planet), snap a rubber band you wear around your wrist. Make sure it kind of hurts. That way you will start to associate contacting him with physical pain (to go along with the emotional pain it would cause).

[ambreaux405]

Packing my life away for a second time in two months.

It feels somewhat different this time. Well, for one, I have much less stuff. I purged a lot of stuff when I moved out of our house.

One unsettling thing is that I am realizing how much stuff I actually left behind. I left in somewhat of a hurry...I left some things behind at the house. I think I subconsciously left some things behind on purpose as an excuse to go back and get them at some point. Going back to the house was too painful for me. He texted me and asked me when I was coming to get the rest of my things, and out of anger I told them that I don't care about anything I may have left behind and that he could keep it or do whatever he wanted with it.

They are just things though...and I haven't really needed them in the last two months, so no problem. A selfish part of me is hoping that he kept it...and that every time he sees something that was mine he is forced to think of me. lol...terrible, I know.

[ambreaux405]

Getting settled in.

Yesterday was quite long. I took the day off work in order to move all of my things from my smoky apartment to the townhouse...which is just at the other end of the parking lot. I was still quite proud of myself for doing everything on my own. I did have movers come to move the big furniture...but everything else was all me! It feels good being self reliant.

I'm still having ups and downs but they are not as extreme as before...I guess I am mellowing.

Like now I'll get sad or nostalgic for a few minutes but I'm always able to talk myself out of it pretty quickly.

I have lots to be excited for. New place. New season. New friends. I just have way too much to do than sit around being sad about things I cannot change.

Yesterday was stressful and I think I did end up going to bed sad. But tonight I feel so refreshed and excited and at home, so I think I'm going to be ok.

[ambreaux405]

I need to make some changes.

I keep feeling like I am wasting this time alone. They say after a break up you should take the time to find yourself and to make some positive changes in your life. I have started to but I'm not sticking with it like I would like.

 

I won't date anyone yet. I know I am not even close to being ready for even looking for someone new to date. But there are other things I want to do.

Mostly I want to eat healthy and get in shape. I really neglected trying to stay healthy during the relationship. He was not a healthy eater by any stretch of the imagination and so I developed some bad habits.

I've always been into jogging and exercise, but I want to up it. I bought a weight bench and I'm really getting into lifting weights now. It helps a lot with feeling stressed.

 

I just need to really stick with it. I have no idea how to keep with a plan, I always seem to get off track and then give up on things like this. But a year from now I want to look back and say wow I don't even recognize that girl!

[ambreaux405]

I have not updated this in awhile. I haven't really had a reason to. Life has just been moving along as normal.

I am definitely healing. There are no more tears. I can't remember the last time I cried.

I have been doing just fine until the last few days and I am not sure what changed.

I have just been feeling less happy I guess. I had a couple dreams about him and they messed me up a bit. I'm no where near as bad as I was a few months ago, just not as happy as I would like to be.

I know that healing is not linear and that ups and downs are normal, and to be honestly it's more up than down. Just every now and then a stray thought comes into my head and I feel a sting for a moment. Luckily it passes rather quickly.

A little while ago I was missing the house we shared together. Just little things like that come back every now and then.

[ambreaux405]

Giving myself some reminders as I sit here contemplating checking in on him.

 

He doesn't love you...he may have at one point, but he doesn't anymore.

How do you know?

Because you fought like hell to keep him and he pushed you away anyway. You did everything humanly possible to make the relationship work and he did not accept it. You gave all you had and in the end it didn't matter. You didn't give up, so stop thinking that this is your fault and you gave up. He gave up on you a long time ago and wasn't man enough to even tell you.

But maybe he has changed.

He hasn't.

How do you know?

Because if he had changed, if he loved you, he would fight like hell to get you back the same way you fought to try to keep him. You haven't heard a word from him in months. He doesn't love you. Besides, even if he loved you, you don't want him.

I do want him. I feel like I want him every single day, it seems.

No, you do not want him. You want to be close with someone again, and you will be, but not with him.

Why not?

Because he isn't right for you. Think about all the times he hurt you with his lack of emotion. Think of how he made you feel like you were dramatic or needy or crazy just when you wanted simple things like to hold each other or to kiss. That's not normal. That's not love. Besides, he hurt you once already...why would you want to give him the chance to do that again? A good man won't hurt you, not like that.

Thank you.

[ambreaux405]

I need to write in this more often. It's just when things are going well and I'm not dwelling on negative thoughts, I don't think about getting on here. I should make it a point to get on here and write about things that are going well more often.

Today was a difficult day. Well this whole weekend has been a bit difficult emotionally, and I'm not sure what makes this weekend special. I guess it's the first weekend after the holidays really, back into the same old routines and back to being by myself.

I couldn't come up with a good new years resolution...but I think I have now. I am making it a point to get out and see people more often...at least once a week. Too often I find myself shutting off the world and just hibernating for the weekend alone. I see a lot of people very day at work and it's nice to get away...but it's important to get out and live life as well.

So I am happy to say that this weekend I did just that. Friday night I still stayed in. The weather was quite bad and I had a lot of housework to do. My home was being inspected by a dog rescue early saturday morning, to make sure I have home fit enough for a dog. (I do, obviously lol.)

But Saturday I went to the park with a dear friend. We used to exercise together all the time and then we both kind of fell of the wagon with that. I no longer live right down the street from her, so it takes planning to meet up, but I am determined to.

Then Saturday night I went and spent time with a different friend at her house with her husband.

And today then I went to a different park with my friend for more exercise. So all in all it was an enjoyable and relaxing weekend...I just don't know why I have been feeling so down, especially today.

I nearly cried today. The park we went to today is the park we used to always go to together. I have not been back there since I moved...but I guess the location still triggered memories. Like, when I was leaving the park I almost instinctively turned towards my old house, and I could see my ex at home making breakfast, waiting for me to get back from the park, etc. So it was hard to turn the other way and go back to my apartment by myself. I wanted to cry when I got home...but I didn't. Instead I made myself work out more until the negative feelings went away.

I know that one day this will all be easier and that I will look back on the things I have written here, and hopefully, not even recognize myself. I want to be past this and moved on with my life so badly.

[ambreaux405]

The journey from abandonment to healing.

From a recommendation in a thread on this site, I purchased this book today and began reading.

I would like to chronicle my feelings about what I am reading as I make my way through the book so that later I'm more easily able to go back and reread things here.

The first stage of abandonment is called Shattering. I can easily recognize that I experienced this stage last summer a few different times. The book points out that we tend to cycle through the stages and that they are not linear.

I feel it's important for me to remember as best I can the moments when I was in shattering.

The first was the night that he told me he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore. We were sitting in my mother's house and I felt complete panic at hearing those words. It was my biggest fear. I have always feared that the ones I love would abandon me and it was happening right then and there. He didn't know if he loved me, which to me meant he didn't. How can you not know, right?

It was awful. I sweated. I cried. I felt panicky as we tried to discuss it. It was one of the worst nights of my life, to be sure.

I know I was able to come out of the shattering phase briefly over the next few days as we tried to carry on as normal. The next time I remember feeling shattered was a week or so later when we were back at our house. I was preparing to take a group of students to Europe the following day. It was our last day together and he had decided to leave and go spend it with his family instead of me. It felt awkward. I knew something was wrong. I felt uneasy the whole day as I tried to pack and get ready for my trip. I felt in a daze, almost. He was not responding to text messages as he normally would and something just felt off. I had sort of a 6th sense moment, a sudden memory of a glimpse of something I caught on his phone in prior weeks. On a hunch, I downloaded a dating app and within minutes had found his profile, showing him currently online. I went into full panic mode. I called my best friend and told her to come pick me up asap. No explanation needed...best friends can just tell. I threw the rest of my things into a suitcase and was out the door waiting for her. She whisked me away, to the liquor store of course lol, and within the hour i was on her couch sobbing and telling her everything while slamming down vodka as fast as I could.

That night when he realized I had left he came to her house. I sobbed in his car for a good hour, begging him to just dump me. I was a wreck. Partially the alcohol, partially, I know realize, the fact that I was shattering. Unfortunately, he didn't end things there. He wanted to make it work still.

I shattered a lot more throughout my trip to Europe. I think that must be one of the most difficult things I have ever endured. I was thousands of miles away, seven hours ahead in time, trying desperately to make things work with him over text messaging while at the same time putting on a brave face for my kids who were experiencing Europe for the first time. I remember one day standing by myself in the middle of Barcelona. The kids were off at a museum that I had decided not to go to. I needed some alone time. I wandered the streets alone in a daze, just thinking about how alone I am in the world. How I'll never be good enough for anyone. How my life was essentially over. It was a low point for me. Shattering.

The last instances I remember of being in the shattering cycle were when I moved out. I couldn't take his indecisiveness anymore and decided to leave for good. Sobbing onto his shoulder as we hugged goodbye in our garage is a moment that will live with me forever. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. He told me I shouldn't go...not because he wanted me to stay or to change my mind, but because he didn't think i was capable of driving at the moment. I insisted. I can remember even now so vividly backing out of the driveway and averting my eyes so I wouldn't have to take one last look at him. I sobbed the entire way to my new apartment, howled really. I sobbed for days after. I didn't feel like I was home. I felt lost. I felt abandoned in the truest sense of the word. I felt real physical pain like I've never experienced before. I was definitely shattering.

I'm not sure how I managed to pull myself out from that. I guess just naturally time does its thing and heals us. I am definitely not in the shattering phase anymore and I rarely feel as though I am ever that low anymore.

I do feel at home here now. I actually love my little place that is all mine.

Writing this was good...i have not relived some of these memories in many months and it's good to get them out again. I feel a bit tense as I relive them, but I also feel strong. I have come a long way since last summer and I feel like things are just going to get better from here.

[Realitynut]

I too just saw that on ena ....the book. I think I have it here, somewhere around the house. I will look for it...since he just dumped me again Tues. Well...actually it was Sat. during our relationship talk. But he was so nice about it....and then took me to bed and told me how much he really loved me....and next day COLD...as usual. But I took it as him being the hot/cold guy he is. Then tues. I asked...DO you love me? The hit the fan. I said...I think I misconstrued what you were telling me Sat. (he said he didn't like hurting me....as he rubbed my feet....and I guess there was a lot of 'it's not you, it's me' talk) So I thought he was saying he LOVED me. After I said, " I think I misconstrued what you told me"...he said "yep.you did. I thought you got it, but then realized you hadn't."

 

Wow. then I asked why he took me to bed and said he really loved me? He said..."why did you?" I said because I LOVE you. He hemmed and hawed and I said, So for you was it goodbye sex? He said, Yes.

 

So that was that.

 

So now I got myself off of facebook. And I'm reading everyones journal.

 

I laughed about you getting a cat.(thinking about) I got a cat (kitten) 3 1/2 months ago to take the place of ex. He's been ending it on a weekly basis for almost 2 years! lol

So now the cat is tearing around here and it's after 1a.m. I'm actually sorry I got her...oh. and I found out later it's a 'him'....

 

I am now officially a 'cat' lady.

[ambreaux405]

Aw I'm a little jealous. I really want to be a cat lady. I was going to get a dog too. I have gotten neither thus far. Everytime I get close to adopting a pet I think "hmmm do I really want this?" and then talk myself out of it. I travel so much so it would be difficult, I think.

 

And wow I can't imagine being with someone who breaks up with me that often! Mine got one shot. There is no getting back together with me. He left me once (emotionally, since technically I'm the one who moved out and left him) but I'd never trust him again.

[Realitynut]

I know....I was so proud of you! You were so strong. I have a Chihuahua also. Who was no problem...like this damnn cat is! lol

[ambreaux405]

So I didn't get to read very much of the book since yesterday, but I plan to do some more reading this weekend.

This evening has been amazing. I managed to get to the park after work for a good walk. I haven't been in months. I haven't felt so good in awhile.

After the park I went and visited with a friend of mine. She lives in my old neighborhood. Going there always seems to be a trigger for me and I feel super down afterwards. Tonight, however, something is different. I was expecting to feel sad driving past the old familiar spots that my ex and I used to go together. Instead I feel nothing. Nothing. I don't miss him tonight. Driving home I even tried to force myself to think of some things that would normally cause me to feel nostalgic, and nothing worked. It's very strange.

I know it won't last...but I'm so happy to have a night where I just feel like myself again!

[ambreaux405]

Random thought:

The images that keep popping into my head of him are not flattering.

When I try to think of him I just see him sitting there, with his precious iPhone in his hand, staring at a screen. That was him 90% of the time.