My rollercoaster

[ambreaux405]

My relationship was anything but a rollercoaster, at least at the beginning.

We met, dated, fell for each other, rented a house together...so really it was more like a tranquil train ride through the country...beautiful mountains ahead, at least from my point of view.

My father died the summer we started dating. That's how I knew I was falling in love with my partner...he was there for me, unconditionally, even though we had really just started dating.

I feel like the relationship was very calm and normal...we never fought. We had disagreements/arguments here and there but we both seemed mature in dealing with them and they never lead to insults or hurt feelings. We both work full time and equally contributed to our household. We had fun, though looking back now I wish we would have had more fun. Naturally I was thinking that this was heading towards the next step: engagement and marriage (the beautiful mountains in the distance.)

Little did I know...

 

So last month he dropped a bomb on me. "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." I was devastated. How could he not be in love with me after all this time? I have dealt with many things in my relationships over the years, but never this. It didn't make sense. We are awesome together.

It was hard because at the time I was traveling. I travel a lot during the summer visiting family out of state and some for work as well. I really didn't get home for good until last week. We have talked and talked and talked. We had one very good night, the day I got home, where everything seemed normal again. It seemed like he really did want to make this work. But then it was just back to not being in love with me the very next day.

 

He has some underlying issues as well, namely depression I think. He doesn't feel emotions. Any. It's something we have talked about throughout the relationship. He is never very happy, never sad. He just seems to exist and is content with not feeling anything. Even as I lay in bed sobbing my eyes out while we talk about us, he feels nothing. It bothers him now, because he realizes that it's not normal. I want him to talk to someone and get a handle on this, but he says he needs to do that on his own time. I think things could improve if he got some help, but he's not willing to. I have to accept that.

 

I am moving out of our house this weekend. It's by far the hardest thing I have ever done. I really wish there was a way that I could switch my emotions and feelings off, like he is able to. I don't want to feel anything anymore, I just want to exist for awhile and get through this. But, I'm a very emotional human being, and it's probably one of the best things about me, really. I genuinely feel for and care for everyone. I love that little things can make me so happy...but with that I have to accept that I am also capable of feeling great sadness.

 

I know in my heart that this relationship, as right as it has always felt to me, cannot work. Even if he were to somehow rediscover love for me, the damage that has already been done is too great. I no longer trust him. He has hurt me deeply...whether or not he has done so purposefully is not important...it still has caused irreparable damage to the way I view him. He's no longer someone I can count on to be there for me. I can't devote myself fully to him anymore.

 

I have dealt with a multitude of emotions the past few days.

 

Empowerment - making the decision for him, getting my own place.

Confusion - am I doing the right thing? I feel like I am abandoning him.

Fear - how can I be alone after so long? Who will take care of me? (me....)

 

It really is like a rollercoaster. Sometimes I feel like things are out of control, I'm screeching down a steep hill, fast, terrifying. I have moments where I feel high too, even happy for a few brief seconds.

 

I plan to update this journal frequently for now. I have always enjoyed writing and I do hope that someday my thoughts and observations will be useful to someone else who finds themselves in a similar situation. Feel free to comment.

[ambreaux405]

This morning I am trying to bring myself to start packing. It's hard...because I don't really want to go. And I keep questioning if I am doing the right thing. My (ex)bf is about to give notice to our landlord that we are terminating the lease. It's pretty final after that.

[ambreaux405]

So, almost done packing and it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be. There are no pictures of us to go through or anything like that. There is nothing he ever really gave me that has much sentimental value to me, either. Weird, huh.

[ambreaux405]

Now I am so sad. I don't know why it just comes on so suddenly like that. And I don't know what I am sad about.

I thought I was so happy...so in love. Maybe I wasn't. He didn't return the same level of love as I had for him. We were boring. But I felt safe and comfortable.

I have so many conflicted emotions right now. Why does being human have to suck so much? Why do I need to feel all of this?

I don't want to move. This is OUR house...we were so happy here at one time. How can I go?

[ambreaux405]

Last night was a bad night. A very bad night, actually.

It was my second to last night with him at our house. I decided I didn't want to sit around and feel sorry for myself, and I wanted our last nights together to be nice. We are not parting on super bad terms, for the most part. So I suggested that we go see a movie. I figured he would say he was too tired, but to my surprise he wanted to go.

So we went and saw a pretty good film, had a fun time, and came back home. He laid down in his bed and so I said goodnight and went off to the guest room, where I am sleeping until I move out tomorrow.

After a few moments I realized I wanted us to talk some, so I went and laid down on the bed next to him. Of course I started crying. The lights were off and I try to keep the crying to a minimum in front of him, but I can’t help it sometimes. I get these waves of emotions where I feel like my whole world is coming to a crashing end.

I knew that wave was coming so I got up and went back to the guest room so I could cry. And cry I did. I guess I was crying pretty loudly because he came and stood in the doorway. He feels pretty badly because he knows he is hurting me, but last night was different. He was angry. He stared at me for a few minutes but wouldn’t come in the room. Then he walked away. I followed him. He was so angry he was shaking, like he was trying desperately to control some sort of rage. He was not angry at me…he was angry at himself, for hurting me, I think. He couldn’t talk about it, but I know his anger is not towards me at all.

Once his episode passed he went back and got into his bed and I went with him. I slept next to him last night, quite possibly for the last time.

Today was different though. I decided I did not want to be sad or feel sorry for myself today. We had to load up the cars with as much of my stuff as we could fit. It was a bit awkward, him helping me move out. But I am thankful that we are on good enough terms for that. It would be a nightmare trying to do this all on my own.

I spent a few hours alone in my new place this evening, unpacking and arranging stuff. I will say at first it felt very strange. I can’t see it as my “home” yet, but I know that will come soon enough. I felt the same way about the house we share. I missed my old apartment immensely for a few days, maybe weeks. But I will adjust. I have moved a lot in my life, so nothing new.

Part of me is excited that I have my own space once again. I have lost a bit of my independence throughout this relationship. It’s nice to have some of that back now.

A lot of me is still scared. I was trying to figure out what I am most scared of. Honestly, it’s the thought of feeling lonely. But during this relationship there have been plenty of times that I have felt completely lonely while laying down next to my partner. I can accept, I think, feeling lonely sometimes when I’m actually alone. That will be easier than feeling lonely when I shouldn’t have to.

This is getting quite long already. I also realized that today marks the first day since all of this began back in June, that I haven’t cried. I think my eyes may have watered up once or twice, but no full blown tears or sobs. I’m so sick of crying over all of this, so I am considering today a small victory.

[ambreaux405]

I feel like I said goodbye to my best friend today. Well I did. My boyfriend is/was my best friend and I don't know how to process all of this tonight.

I'm in the new apartment. I'm miserable. I really thought that once I got away I would feel some relief, but it's quite the opposite. I feel lost.. completely lost.

I'd do anything, literally anything, to be laying next to him in our bed tonight.

I feel like I acted too hastily in my decision to move out. I know I left for good reasons...he isn't seeking help for his depression and living with him is downright miserable since he doesn't feel anything for me at the moment. But being apart hurts so bad.

I wanted to text him so badly tonight. I wanted so badly to tell him that this was all a mistake and we should be together, working things out. But he needs his time and space. He needs to miss me, if he ever will.

I'm so lost and feeling completely hopeless tonight. I know the pain will make me stronger in the long run but I'm afraid it might kill me before that happens.

[mhowe]

You spent the last night laying next to him crying.

 

You are romanticizing this in your head. You were miserable.

 

HE would not take responsibility for his depression. There isn't anything you can do with someone who refuses to help themselves.

[ambreaux405]

This is the longest he and I have ever gone without talking to one another in the entire 3 and a half years that we have known each other.

I woke up this morning thinking I was at my old house. I even reached for my phone to turn the thermostat down (at the house we could control the AC with our phones) and was very confused as to why the app wasn't connecting. It took a few moments to realize where I was, and it felt like someone kicked me in the stomach when I finally did.

 

That's not to say that today was all bad...I got out of bed pretty quickly, had breakfast, did some shopping and got a hair appointment. Less effort required than yesterday. I guess I feel more mellow today...like my emotions have evened out a bit...not as rollercoastery as yesterday.

 

I keep having thoughts of him. I was moving some furniture around and really wanted his opinion...but in a way it's nice that I don't feel like I need his opinion now.

I also find myself wondering what he is doing, how he is doing, is he sad, does he miss me, etc. Normal things, I suppose.

 

I'm excited to do some cooking this evening...that's my project. I've avoided it. He is a chef and cooking together and food in general was a big part of our relationship. I figure it will be a bit painful...but a girl has to eat...and something more than sandwiches lol.

 

All in all I am doing fairly well today.

[notalady]

Hey ambreaux just started looking at your journal, stay strong, you are doing well.

[ambreaux405]

I go back and forth...sometimes feeling up and positive, sometimes feeling pretty down. It changes every few hours it seems.

I haven't cried yet today, but I feel like that is going to come soon.

I miss him right now.

It's bugging me a bit that he hasn't even contacted me at all since I left.

[SophieGrace]

All of this is normal... not that normal does anything to plug the sadness. Proud of you for staying strong.

[notalady]

It's perfectly normal to grief after a break up. But the critical thing is that you need to slowly start accepting that he no longer wants a relationship with you and start to move on.

 

I think the danger of your current state is relapse, should he ask to get back together.

 

From your description, it seems that he has serious issues (whether it is mentally or emotionally) and won't seek help. I don't think it is about you at all (eg that he's not in love with you), no doubt you are blindsided by all this but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if you were compatible personality wise or have the best times together, if he can't offer you the emotional commitment and support that is required in a serious relationship due to whatever reason, he's not long term relationship material.

 

Can you imagine this happening if you two had been married with young kids and he drops this on you and wants a divorce? My god, that would have been utterly devastating, more so than it is now. This is selfish behaviour on his part to put you through this whether he has mental/emotional issues or not.

 

So I say look on the bright side that he has shown himself not to be marriage material earlier rather than later. And whatever you do, do not give him another chance, because he had shown himself to be unreliable for you to trust your life with.

 

What I always say is, if a guy hurts me, he better hurt me good, because he won't get a chance to do it again.

[notalady]

By the way I might have missed it in your previous posts, how long have you guys been together?

[ambreaux405]

We were together for three and a half years.

I'm not so sure that I am in danger of relapse. I do love him; I can't just turn that off for some reason lol. But I don't love the relationship. I never felt 100% secure with him. I always felt like I had to be the emotional leader, in a way...well, because he has no emotions. It made me very insecure when in general I am not an insecure person at all. I had to question his love for me a lot because he was never able to make me feel like I was genuinely loved. I didn't like who I was with him. When we first started having issues a couple months ago he first placed the blame on me. He said I was so needy that it was driving him away. It felt horrific to think that I was the cause of this. But now I see things more clearly. Yes...I was needy...I had to be in order get my emotional needs even somewhat met by him. In other words...if I'm with someone who is meeting my emotional needs, I won't be needy!

 

So...I'm feeling quite strong at the moment (I just got back from a good jog). When I am feeling strong like this I can see things for what they are. I think that's why it's so important that I keep writing things like this...as I'm sure there are going to be many moments of weakness ahead for me and I hope it will be helpful to look back at this journal and see my strong thoughts.

 

But I am still annoyed that he has not contacted me. I don't want to move back in with him or rekindle anything right now...but to have nothing from him is a little strange I guess. It's just new...like I said before we have never gone any significant amount of time without contact. I travel every summer to visit family in France and even when I'm that far away we still stay in daily contact. So yes, this is brand new!

[notalady]

Ambreaux, you seem to see the relationship and how it affects you very clearly, which is excellent. I had a 6 months relationship like that (it's written somewhere in my journal) and he is emotionally disconnected like that and refused to see someone about it. I too felt insecure about the relationship (which I hated) and recognised that this is my reaction to the toxic dynamic of this relationship and not who I am.

 

Whether he has depression or whatever, I don't know and frankly don't really care, it's not the kind of relationship I'm looking for in the long term. I don't know if you've had similar experiences but I remember it all came to a head one weekend, the last weekend that we spent together, we slept in the same bed but he didn't want to cuddle or even touch each other while sleeping. There was no sex, affection, anything. I felt like we were two strangers / room mates sharing a bed and l lied awake in bed, making sure I will always remember that feeling and swear I will never put myself through that again. It's better to be alone than in a relationship with someone who doesn't value (or demonstrate that they value) you, someone who isn't affectionate and shows that he cares about you in action.

[ambreaux405]

Sounds like lots of similarities.

Mine would never cuddle with me. Especially not after sex. It was like he never wanted to be very close, and if I insisted he didn't seem very comfortable.

I do not want someone all over me 24/7...I would feel smothered like that...but a healthy amount of affection would be nice.

Like I said, now that I am looking back on things for how they were, I guess I never felt like I was actually loved. I always felt sort of...dispensable, I guess. Like, he couldn't care less whether I was there or not. I'm probably making it sound worse than it really was. I'm quite sensitive and definitely reacted and possibly over reacted to many things. We had plenty of good times...but, I definitely was not getting the affection I needed.

[ambreaux405]

Feeling sad tonight.

Like something is missing.

It comes in waves...I spent most of the day not sad. I didn't cry today.

I keep feeling like I want to reach out to him. To tell him how I feel, that I still love him, that this is killing me, etc.

I have to remind myself that he knows how I feel. How could he not? I cried so hard so many times in front of him. I never begged or pleaded with him. I never humiliated myself, I don't think. But I did cry a lot, more than I have in years. If he doesn't know how I feel then I don't want him anyway, because one would have to be quite oblivious to not see the raw pain he caused me.

Still...I find myself wanting to reach out to him. I envision myself sending a simple text "Don't you love me too?"

I won't.

But I miss him so much right now...well I miss the man I thought he was before June. I miss what I thought I had.

I still haven't cried.

[boltnrun]

Don't contact him. I can pretty much guarantee you'll end up feeling worse. Let's see...

 

You: I love and miss you.

Him: Um, OK.

You: Do you miss me?

Him: I don't know.

 

Does that portray a fairly accurate picture of how it would go?

[ambreaux405]

Yep. Which is why I have not contacted him.

[boltnrun]

Good job.

 

You are going to be just fine. You're self aware and intelligent. Good for you.

[ambreaux405]

I also find myself thinking about what he is doing. I'm sure I shouldn't worry about it, but it's the truth right now.

Has he found a place to live? Has he begun packing his things? Right now, with as late as it is, I'm sure he's in bed, fast asleep. Does he have trouble falling asleep? Does he miss me laying there by his side? Does he miss waking up next to me? I always woke up first...and I'd lay there watching him, waiting for him to wake up. He'd always lift his head up a little bit and give me this big grin as soon as he woke up. I loved that.

[ambreaux405]

Don't read too much into my journal. I'm using this journal to spill out all the things I'm feeling. I have to get them out or they eat away at me. Don't worry about me contacting him. I am intelligent. I know what will come of it. Just because I write about wanting to, or I reminisce about things I miss...they are just passing thoughts. They have to get out or they will bother me until I act on them.

[boltnrun]

OK. I understand, it's cathartic to get your thoughts out.

[notalady]

It's good to write these things out instead of acting on it, you're being really smart about it

[ambreaux405]

I spent two miserable months letting my irrational mind control me. I feel much better now that I am letting logic guide my way.