My rollercoaster

[ambreaux405]

It's been a few days since I have updated.

Nothing really new. Have had a really busy week at work and I'm exhausted all the time.

I seem to be having one of those nights where I really miss my old life. I'm lonely a lot. I wish I had my bf to talk to at the end of a long day. I really miss that.

Maybe I'll get a cat.

[reinventmyself]

Cats are good. . Not sure if you're joking. But redirecting your thoughts and energy to a little furry friend may be a good idea ;]

[ambreaux405]

Cats are good. . Not sure if you're joking. But redirecting your thoughts and energy to a little furry friend may be a good idea ;]

 

Only half joking lol. I love cats. I'm deathly afraid of becoming an old cat lady one day. But one couldn't hurt...

[reinventmyself]

[boltnrun]

One cat does not make you a crazy cat lady.

 

I talk to my cat at the end of each work day. She isn't a substitute for human friends, but she sure is cute and cuddly.

[ambreaux405]

Yes but in my past experience one cat becomes two, and then one gets pregnant and suddenly I have 7 (Yes, true story) lol

7 makes for a crazy cat lady.

[ambreaux405]

I am learning a lot about myself and why NC is so important, at least in my situation.

I was in denial for a long time, thinking that all these stories I am reading on here just don't apply to me. My situation is different. My relationship was special.

It was not.

I was seeing a pattern, one that has been repeated on these threads numerous times. I'd stop responding to him. Feel better for a day or two. Start to get lonely and miss him. Text him casually. Freak out if he didn't respond. Casually became pathetic, telling him how sad I am, telling him how much I miss him, telling him this is all so unfair and I don't deserve this. You have heard all of the stories.

He'd sympathise...apologize again...tell me he knows he needs to get better and he doesn't want to give up all hope...just enough to make me feel better for a few minutes. But then it's back to not hearing from him and the whole process starts over again.

How in the heck am I going to ever expect myself to heal like that? Definition of insanity, right?

Well...the house stuff is all settled now. The financial obligations are not, he still owes me his half of the bills for August and for a few other things. But apart from all of that there is really no reason for us to have contact...and the contact that will be necessary for those things can be kept to a minimum. I intend to tell him to just mail me a check rather than meeting up in person.

I mean, this cycle has to end somehow. I have to move on and go on living my life. I have to be happy with who I am when I am by myself. I can not rely on someone else to make me feel fulfilled and happy...I am learning that.

I changed my number and he does not have the new number. I've contemplated giving it to him...but then I remembered that the reason I changed my number was so that he wouldn't be able to contact me lol. All of our communication has to be through e-mail now...and like I said...the really isn't any reason for much beyond me telling him to mail me the check for what he owes and such.

I know it's going to take some time before I find a new normal. I've been living apart from him for a month, officially. But I was travelling so much that I really haven't spent but a couple weeks with him since early June. I don't know how long it takes to find a new normal but I'm sure that I will.

I need to find a way to stop being so bitter about everything. My life is beautiful and I need to appreciate the things that I have and not long for the things that I had before.

[thejigsup]

That's the tough one, isn't it? But...you get there. There is no way to avoid it. Time passes, they and your old life become distant memories and you slowly learn to love what's new and exciting, or just what's new. It's not a quick process, but it is inevitable. I hated where I was 4 years ago, I missed the past. I love where I am now and would not trade my single life for any kind of relationship. Once you get used to being by yourself, you kinda start to love it.

[ambreaux405]

Sharing this in my journal so I remember how this feels one day when I am looking back on this.

I remember saying on here I think that when I was packing up my stuff to move out of the house I realized that he had never really given me any kind of sentimental gift before.

Just now I was digging through a drawer looking for something and I found a gift he gave me maybe a year after we started dating. It's just a little coupon book. He had it made online so it looks really good and professional. It's with cartoon versions of him and me and they look pretty good. It has a number of different coupons for things that I loved doing together with him. It was just cute...so adorable and thoughtful...I remember how much I loved it when he gave it to me. It was so simple and silly but to me it meant that he really understood my personality and what I was wanting...nothing extravagant, just cute and thoughtful. I even took pictures of it and showed it off to people, I was so excited about it lol. Seems awfully silly now. But finding it just now brought so many things flooding into my mind. I miss him a lot and I can't help crying.

 

I won't contact him though. Nothing has changed. If it had, I would have heard from him. I could easily text him right now and tell him about the coupon book that I found and hope that that memory would trigger something for him too...but chances are it wouldn't. Chances are, like always, he'd tell me how bad he feels and how sorry he is, but nothing would change after that. I know I have to stay NC.

 

I need to get out of the house and go for a jog, still a bit too warm to do that right now, but I intend to this evening later on.

[ambreaux405]

I want to add that I did not sit here and look through the coupon book. As soon as I realized what it was I immediately took it and put it in the box of things that I don't want to see that I keep at the top of my closet. I know what is in there, I don't need to sit and look through it.

[notalady]

The coupon book thing is cute, and not silly, when you're in a relationship. Of course that's if the rest of the relationship is going swimmingly.

 

Glad you're staying NC, stay strong!

[ambreaux405]

Thanks. Yes it was quite cute.

Contacting him is not an option at this point. I've lost too much dignity in this whole process already.

[ambreaux405]

I need to change a few things in my life and now is as good a time as ever.

Life is so short. So so short and the way I'm letting myself be sad and mourn just has to end. As I said above, my life is beautiful and I need to be living like I really believe that.

Writing is going to be part of that, so expect more entries from me.

[notalady]

Look forward to reading more from you

[ambreaux405]

I always say I'm going to write more...but then I don't. I'm not sure why. I really need to as it's been helping me to organize my thoughts better and to see things for how they really are. Not just with my relationship but with all aspects of my life.

[boltnrun]

I always say, it's more fun to be happy.

 

So, be happy. Find something you love to do, and do it!

 

I personally love to find a nice cafe and bring my tablet and just read and surf while enjoying a French press of delicious tea and a baguette or croissant.

 

If you love to run (and more power to you, I cannot and do not run), then run!

[ambreaux405]

Venting a little bit.

I am annoyed with my living arrangement right now. It doesn't help that I miss the house a lot and wish I still lived there, although that ache is dulling a bit. I love being so close to work.

It started when I first moved in...the neighbors upstairs from me are so annoyingly loud when they walk. I complained and the manager offered to let me move to a top floor unit. But that would have required paying for movers again and taking the time to pack everything up that I had just unpacked, etc. It was not what I wanted to do.

Over the course of my first month here I have grown accustomed to them. They don't bother me anymore and at night I just put earplugs in and turn on my fan and I don't hear anything.

 

Well about a week ago some people moved into the vacant apartment next to mine. Now I have nasty cigarette smoke coming into my apartment unit through the AC vents. I can't shut the vents as it's almost 100 degrees here every day. So basically I now have to choose whether to burn to death in the heat, or choke to death in the smoke. It's so nasty! I can't sleep at night as it's so bad I am constantly coughing and I get a headache every single day. They don't answer their door so I haven't been able to talk to them, and I can't even be 100% sure which apartment it's coming from because it's through the vents so really it could be anyone I guess.

 

I contacted the manager again but haven't heard back. I really don't want to be "that" resident that complains about everything, but this is a serious issue for me. I definitely can not live in someone's ashtray.

 

Rant over. lol

[boltnrun]

Can you place a candle or something in front of the AC vents? Or are they in the ceiling or high up on the walls?

 

I too hate cigarette smoke. My downstairs neighbors smoked out on their balcony and the smoke would drift up into my living room. I would cough loudly, but to no avail. However, karma got them because right in the middle of a wicked heat wave their AC went out (because they ran it 24/7 from February to November). I presume they sweated bullets until they could get it fixed (which took a week or so). Hee!

[ambreaux405]

My vents are all so high up, no way to place anything there.

Out of desperation I tried to tape dryer sheets over the vents...that didn't last long. Turns out dryer sheets don't stick well to tape lol.

I'm out of options. At this point I am at the mercy of the leasing manager. If she is sympathetic hopefully something can be done. Otherwise I'll be breaking this lease because there's no way in heck I can live like this.

[ambreaux405]

And on top of all of this....I am so very tempted to text the ex about this situation. He would be so understanding and care. He'd tell me I'm not crazy for wanting the situation fixed, etc. He did have my back on things like this.

I don't need him...I'm sort of the queen of getting good customer service. I am well aware of my rights and I make sure I get what I deserve and have no problem asking to speak to the next person in command lol. But, it would still be nice....

[notalady]

Do you have good friends or family you can talk to for that kind of stuff (and for general support)?

[ambreaux405]

Yes I do.

But I feel like my friends are sick of hearing about it at this point. They think he's scum and I should be over it by now.

My mother is the opposite...she ADORES him and thinks I should be doing whatever I can to get back together with him and make it work. She's not so helpful to talk to. lol

But yes I can complain to them about other things too.

[boltnrun]

It's a good idea to try to move past the thought that every time something happens in your life, you need to tell your ex. I understand you're used to sharing your life with him, but think about it. How would sharing these things with him be helpful? Yes, you'd probably get some sympathy from him, but then...you look around the room and start feeling sad that he's not there with you, or that you're not at his place with him. Then, they cycle of crying and feeling depressed begins again.

 

And I really think you're just venting here and you don't actually plan to contact him. But just in case...I vote "no".

[ambreaux405]

Oh no, I'm definitely not going to contact him.

Are you kidding? I have a streak going and I'm not going to reset myself back to day one lol.

[ambreaux405]

Well it has been a good while since I have updated here.

This weekend has been harder than most recently. It's his birthday weekend. I would be out celebrating with him right now but instead I am alone in my apartment.

I keep debating contacting him to wish him a happy birthday, but I know that I shouldn't and that I probably won't.

I have kept up with NC. Not really on purpose. It's not like a conscious effort I have to make each day. I just don't have anything to say to him or any desire to start a dialogue. Nothing will change just because I ask how he is doing...except he will know that I'm still available to him. And if I send him a happy birthday wish, he will know that I'm still around. I much prefer the thought of him not knowing what is going on in my life and having to wonder.

We did have to communicate briefly last week about some money that he owes me...but it was all done via e-mail and very short and all business. I don't count that as breaking NC as it had to be done. Besides, he doesn't have my new number still. I actually don't even know if he realizes that my old number is no longer active. For all I know he has been texting it, but I have no desire to know what if anything he has said lol. I guess all in all that is progress.