Heather Dawn Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I came to this forum MANY years ago (under a long-forgotten username), during a difficult relationship for which I sought advice. After that train wreck of a relationship ended, I left eNA only to return again years later because I'd grown up, learned many a hard lesson, and found a love that has brought me nothing but joy. I returned because I wanted to help others get to that point too. And that's what has lead me to this post about the early stages of dating. I see SO many women on here in deep denial about their situations, desperate to find rationalizations for the way the men they desire behave toward them. It's infuriating - and sad! So, every woman needs to read - and heed - what I'm about to say: If a man is interested in you, he'll let you know. He won't play games or keep you guessing. He won't make up excuses to keep his distance ("My feelings for you are so strong they scare me!") or to not see you ("I'm just so busy - but we'll connect soon"). A man who strings you along, doesn't make time for you, uses you for sex or money, or refuses to get close to you is a man who doesn't care. Actions really do speak louder than words, ladies. If a man wants to see more of you, he'll make sure that happens; he'll treat you with respect, show interest in your life, and make you feel special by how he behaves, not just by what he says. He can TELL you anything - but it's only lip service if it's not bolstered by action. Yes, some men are shy or awkward and can take some time to be bold enough to make a move - but, if you listen to your gut, you can tell the difference. And if you can't do that yet, you must learn to. The bottom line is that a man who wants a woman will never risk losing her. Period. Link to comment
ghostgirl116 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 words to live by! thank you, lady! Link to comment
lostcountofit Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Yes, some men are shy or awkward and can take some time to be bold enough to make a move - but, if you listen to your gut, you can tell the difference. And if you can't do that yet, you must learn to. The bottom line is that a man who wants a woman will never risk losing her. Period. As a shy and awkward guy, this x1000000 Link to comment
toolovehim Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Thanks a lot! Never late to learn.... Link to comment
jesus83 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 This is generally true and applies to a lot of what goes on. The reason women turn a blind eye, is cause this behavior tends to come from men who are more attractive than their other prospects. It's not so easy to drop someone for someone else you're less attracted to. Link to comment
kitcat1980 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Thanks for the words of wisdom. I know I've got a long way to go and a lot of learning to do yet. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Sooooo true. Thank you Heather Dawn and all of you women out there, and yes same applies to the men, Words of wisdom, words of gold, and I like you hope people read this and realize they shouldn't be settling or making excuses. Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 You're welcome, everyone. Glad it resonated! Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 This is generally true and applies to a lot of what goes on. The reason women turn a blind eye, is cause this behavior tends to come from men who are more attractive than their other prospects. It's not so easy to drop someone for someone else you're less attracted to. My guy is very attractive - and in his youth, he certainly wasn't perfect and definitely broke some hearts. But he grew out of it and by the time we met, in our 30s, he was past it. There was never a moment of uncertainty with us; I never wondered where I stood with him, or feared he wouldn't call or that he'd disappear. He was so constant and so reliable, and so open with his feelings and intentions, that it enabled me to open up in a way I never had in previous relationships. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 So happy to hear about your insights and relationship. Are you two looking at marriage and family or are you happy continuing to do your own thing? Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 Thanks you! And btw - just saw your sig, congrats!!!! Marriage, yes - He's been hinting around here or there, so I feel like that's going to happen sometime in the not too far future. We're headed to Europe in March and he's said things like, "Maybe we should get married in Scotland!" We can't do that (too much red tape), but it's nice to hear him thinking in that way! (He also recently said my first name with his last name and then mused, "Has a nice ring to it!" I was like, "Yes, yes it does!" LOL) Kids, maybe - We've not been trying, per se, but we've not been preventing either. We're both in the "let nature decide" camp, as we'd both be ecstatic if it happened, but totally fine if it didn't, also. I'm about to be 39 tomorrow (eek!), so if it's going to happen, it's got to do so in the next few years! But if not, we enjoy each other so immensely that we'll just keep having fun as a couple! Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Thank you! Glad you have such a great thing going. I wouldn't be surprised if you were engaged within a year. My only advice is to freeze your eggs asap so you have flexibility in the future. Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 I've thought of that for sure. Still may consider it (which would have to be soon). We were both tested awhile ago just to see how we were in regard to fertility (I figured if we were going to even consider getting pregnant, we should know if there were any obstacles) and we're both fine. Now I just need to really think about freezing my eggs. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I would like to add that being "afraid to be alone" is often used as an excuse to stay in a horrible relationship. I have a dear friend who stayed in a "relationship" with a man who would call her late at night telling her to come over to his place, she'd drive over (30 minute drive), he'd have sex with her, then immediately send her home. OR, he'd have sex with her in her car and send her home. He gave her 2 STDs that he knew he had but chose not to disclose because he thought she wouldn't have sex with him if she knew. He slept with multiple women at the same time as her. And she stayed for FIVE years! Her reason? "Well, at least I can say I have a boyfriend". Unbelievable. Being "alone" is not terrifying! It does NOT mean you are a loser if you don't happen to have a boyfriend at the present time! "But ALL my friends have boyfriends!" So what? Being attached to a liar, a cheater, an unemployed mooch, an abuser, or a drug user is better than being single? I had a thread about this topic recently. It makes me sad for these women. I'm single and I have NOT died yet. And I'm not creeping around the city terrified because I don't have a boyfriend. It's not that scary, I promise! Link to comment
wilyone 11 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 There was never a moment of uncertainty with us; I never wondered where I stood with him, or feared he wouldn't call or that he'd disappear. He was so constant and so reliable, and so open with his feelings and intentions, that it enabled me to open up in a way I never had in previous relationships. Congrats! This is what I long to experience with a man whom I'm also in love with. Your words give me hope that it's possible. My friend is 47 and pregnant. If you're willing to use a donor egg, you can have a successful pregnancy well into your 40s. The age of the eggs is critical. If you really want to use your own eggs, I agree you should freeze ASAP. Link to comment
JA0371 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Thank you Heather!! A very smart, refreshing, positive thread! Wish you lots of happiness Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I've thought of that for sure. Still may consider it (which would have to be soon). We were both tested awhile ago just to see how we were in regard to fertility (I figured if we were going to even consider getting pregnant, we should know if there were any obstacles) and we're both fine. Now I just need to really think about freezing my eggs. Are there new tests now? When I was thinking of being tested the tests available would simply have shown if my hormone levels were ok, if everything else was working but really had no strong connection to knowing whether I could conceive easily or carry a pregnancy to term. This was about 7 years ago. Glad you are both fine! We started trying when we were 40 but we were dating long distance. It took over a year but it wasn't a year of intensive trying. No outside intervention, all au natural. I know because of my age the pregnancy had a far stronger toll on my body and afterwards I developed a health condition apparently related to it. No regrets and no lasting effects from the condition. The pregnancy itself was smooth and we opted out of any invasive testing of the fetus. I am a fan of egg freezing but it was not as much of an option -not a viable way of preserving eggs -when I was in my early 30s, almost 20 years ago. Link to comment
eskimobobseal Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 As a man I can say the OP is absolutely correct. Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 I would like to add that being "afraid to be alone" is often used as an excuse to stay in a horrible relationship. Bingo! Not only is being alone better than being in a bad relationship, but EVERYONE needs the chance to grow and find themselves and become a complete person first. Relationships are not a substitute for self-love. You are not half a person looking for your other half; you're a whole person, looking for another whole person to add to your life. Congrats! This is what I long to experience with a man whom I'm also in love with. Your words give me hope that it's possible. I'm so glad! That makes me very happy. As for the donor vs/ biological eggs, $10K is the starting price for a donor cycle, and we can't afford to do that right now (I'm going back to school, we're going to Europe, etc.). Plus, even at 39 (as of today!), I'm so ambivalent about having kids that I feel like it would be $10K for MAYBE. Thank you Heather!! A very smart, refreshing, positive thread! Wish you lots of happiness Thank you so much! Are there new tests now? When I was thinking of being tested the tests available would simply have shown if my hormone levels were ok, if everything else was working but really had no strong connection to knowing whether I could conceive easily or carry a pregnancy to term. This was about 7 years ago. Glad you are both fine! We started trying when we were 40 but we were dating long distance. It took over a year but it wasn't a year of intensive trying. No outside intervention, all au natural. I know because of my age the pregnancy had a far stronger toll on my body and afterwards I developed a health condition apparently related to it. No regrets and no lasting effects from the condition. The pregnancy itself was smooth and we opted out of any invasive testing of the fetus. I am a fan of egg freezing but it was not as much of an option -not a viable way of preserving eggs -when I was in my early 30s, almost 20 years ago. Thanks for this, Batya! Even though I'm decidedly ambivalent, I still like hearing about first-time mothers in their 40s. The tests were pretty extensive - they did hormonal, of course, but they also did some physical tests (checking my tubes and uterus for blockages, scarring, etc.), genetic testing, tested for my egg health and quantity, and a lot more. For him, they tested his sperm for a number of things. Both of us came back perfectly fine. I have extremely regular periods, and did an ovulation strip test one month and got a very strong positive. So I suspect that either we're not having sex at the right time or not often enough at the right time. My doctor suggested we try IVF, but I honestly believe that if it's meant to be it will happen, and we'll be parents; if it's not, it won't and we'll do other things with our life. I don't want the stress of medical procedures and all that goes with it. So I guess we'll just see what happens! As a man I can say the OP is absolutely correct. Thanks for backing it up as a guy! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I agree that IVF is not for everyone! That was going to be our next step if the natural way didn't work. My one tip is if you can manage a very relaxing weekend away around that correct time of the month. That and do what I did -keep your fancy, hi-tech monitoring kit (one step beyond the ovulation predictor), in your medicine cabinet or under your bed, opened but never used. Worked for me and the friend who gave me the never-used/purchased on ebay kit. LOL. Link to comment
Heather Dawn Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 I agree that IVF is not for everyone! That was going to be our next step if the natural way didn't work. My one tip is if you can manage a very relaxing weekend away around that correct time of the month. That and do what I did -keep your fancy, hi-tech monitoring kit (one step beyond the ovulation predictor), in your medicine cabinet or under your bed, opened but never used. Worked for me and the friend who gave me the never-used/purchased on ebay kit. LOL. Haha! That's so funny because I actually bought one ages ago, and then promptly put it under our bed - unused. And there it remains! I was good about the strips for a solid month and then petered out. I love your idea about going away around the right time. Between work and other distractions, I feel like we often end up having sex more on weekends than mid-week, so the odds of catching ovulation at the right time more than once in a blue moon (when it falls on a weekend) isn't very high. Link to comment
puzzled25 Posted May 26, 2016 Share Posted May 26, 2016 Hey, this is such great advice. I'm hoping you can take a look at my post and see what advice you might have for my situation. Link to comment
anonymous34 Posted April 11, 2017 Share Posted April 11, 2017 Thank you for sharing this... Im really happy I joined this website.. I've been really hurting Link to comment
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