mhowe Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Asperger Syndrome, I will admit I have it, so my social-skills have always been below average, and that's obviously not fair since we live in a social world, where high social intelligence and confidence pay great dividends, being very late to the party is a never ending pain for me Read Temple Grandins book. She is a woman with Aspergers who has made amazing success in her life despite her disability. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Life is unfair, H8. We have to bridge that reality gap between how we would like/want the world to be and the way it is. It might have helped if you had disclosed certain facts at the outset to allow posters here to gauge your situation. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Asperger Syndrome, I will admit I have it, so my social-skills have always been below average, and that's obviously not fair since we live in a social world, where high social intelligence and confidence pay great dividends, being very late to the party is a never ending pain for me My son has Aspergers. I am sorry that you find it difficult I know that many people do. And that many people with Asperger's are not easily understood by many. I am sorry about that. Link to comment
I_Speak_Jive Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Asperger Syndrome, I will admit I have it I understand. No problem - you've got plenty to work with. As you know it's not a disability, just a different way in which your mind is wired. I understand it can make life incredibly difficult at times, but once you know what's going on and how to manage it, you can have a very happy and beautiful life. I have two friends who are diagnosed Aspergers' and they had a hard time until they got profesional help -- not because there's anything to "fix", but they learned all sorts of coping mechanisms and techniques to make things work for them, rather than feeling horribly out of place and isolated at all times. Incidentally they are both now in happy, long-term relationships. One very important piece of advice: if you have been frequenting so-called PUA, "red pill" type of websites and forums (and going by some of the things you typed I think you have), it is IMPERATIVE that you stop. That sort of mindset is extremely warped and will never bring you peace, happiness and success. It will only serve to disconnect you from people even more, particularly women but other men too, and will contribute to make you feel like complete crap about yourself. Quit cold-turkey -- it's like smoking for the mind. Do not fall prey to a worldview that assigns a numerical "value" to individuals and turns you into anything less than a full "ten". It's stupid and it's factually wrong. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 I agree the autistic way of being is not wrong and not to be "fixed "you probably just need different coping methods to live in a world of allistic people. Link to comment
H8Reality217 Posted June 21, 2015 Author Share Posted June 21, 2015 I'd suggest you aren't cut out for a relationship and should seek your pleasure in life elsewhere. Take up a hobby, travel, audit some classes at the local university. Not everyone is meant to be with someone. You may have to accept that you are meant to be single Sadly the desire for wanting a romantic, intimate, sexual relationship does not go away, and for that woman about having Aspergers, well that won't hurt a woman's chances as much since women don't have to make the first move Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 In your scenario, a woman would have to wait for a man to make a "move". What happens to a woman if a man never makes a "move" on her in her teens or 20s? Should she just give up on ever dating and sit at home by herself forever, feeling bitter, angry and resentful of all the women on the planet who had a man make a "move" on them? Link to comment
Fudgie Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 There are many women out there who DO struggle, with and without Asperger's. It's not always easier for ALL women, depending on what's going on with them and what they are seeking. If it's just sex, then yeah, maybe it is easier but if you're looking for an honest, true, loyal, committed relationship with someone whose company you enjoy, that's hard for EVERYONE, regardless of sex. I have Aspergerian guys in my family. I understand that it can be hard. Everyone has personal obstacles and things to overcome. This is yours. There are men with Aspergers who go on to have happy families and marriages and children. You are not by any means doomed. Remember too that is common for Aspergers folks to be late bloomers. That is okay. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Once again, H8, women can, and do, make the first move. However, it may not be done as in marching up to a guy, grabbing his arm and saying "wanna date me". Generally women initiate in a different way. That's all. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Asperger Syndrome, I will admit I have it, so my social-skills have always been below average, and that's obviously not fair since we live in a social world, where high social intelligence and confidence pay great dividends, being very late to the party is a never ending pain for me My daughter as Asperger's and she dates. I put her in social workshops when she was first diagnosed. See if you can find one in your area. They tend to be affiliated with non-profit organizations. Link to comment
H8Reality217 Posted June 21, 2015 Author Share Posted June 21, 2015 Once again, H8, women can, and do, make the first move. However, it may not be done as in marching up to a guy, grabbing his arm and saying "wanna date me". Generally women initiate in a different way. That's all. I mean first move as in women will never approach or talk to a guy first, never utter a word to him first usually Link to comment
kathy679 Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Why is it never too late for a guy to get a girlfriend? I feel if a guy didn't experience having a girlfriend in his teens or all of his 20's, he missed out on one of the most important critical growth stages of a human beings life. But that shouldn't matter , if your happy with someone that's all that matters. We all get old That's part of life. Link to comment
H8Reality217 Posted June 21, 2015 Author Share Posted June 21, 2015 But that shouldn't matter , if your happy with someone that's all that matters. We all get old That's part of life. Just can't help but be jealous, envious, bitter and resentful towards people who got to experience young love in their teens and 20's, I don't care if those didn't last or were not true love, they were still relationships. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 I posted this before but you ignored it. So, here it is again, I'm really interested in what you have to say about it: In your scenario, a woman would have to wait for a man to make a "move". What happens to a woman if a man never makes a "move" on her in her teens or 20s? Should she just give up on ever dating and sit at home by herself forever, feeling bitter, angry and resentful of all the women on the planet who had a man make a "move" on them? Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 So here you are: a man of 27. You have it made as far as the dating world goes. You have your pick of dating all kinds of women, spanning from the early twenties all the way up. The only thing off limits really is teenagers! And yet you are still thinking like a 21 year old sexually frustrated dude. That's because he doesn't have any relationship experience. Take me as an example: I probably have the emotional maturity of a junior high student, and, completely coincidentally, I have roughly a year's worth of relationship experience. No one owes anyone a relationship, but, when someone gets ignored by the other gender, they aren't going to develop at a normal rate. Blaming the individual for that is classless, IMHO. More so because me being a guy, I was dealt with the card of having to make the first move, be the initiator, I hate, despise, loathe that gender role with a huge burning passion Me too. Women have been mostly liberated from their gender role; men are still working on it. I tried to completely avoid initiating...and I found that women completely ignored me. If I hadn't sold out and initiated, my sex life would have been covered in cobwebs. In your scenario, a woman would have to wait for a man to make a "move". What happens to a woman if a man never makes a "move" on her in her teens or 20s? Should she just give up on ever dating and sit at home by herself forever, feeling bitter, angry and resentful of all the women on the planet who had a man make a "move" on them? Well, I imagine she'd post on ENA, and at least half of the replies would be something like "Aww, you poor thing--guys can be so mean! Don't give up, you're awesome and super-special!" (OP: we aren't the gender that's allowed to complain, so you aren't going to have many people siding with you on this. I know that the other posters are coming down hard on you, but don't worry--I'm worth at least a dozen of them. You need to drop the "divine right" crap, though.) Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 But, Blue Spiral, it doesn't sound like you're "angry, bitter, jealous and resentful" of everyone on the planet who has had a relationship in their teens and 20s just because you didn't. And we have tried to be encouraging to the OP, he just rejects our encouragement by implying we're all delusional for saying people CAN and DO date past age 29, and that he can too. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 But, Blue Spiral, it doesn't sound like you're "angry, bitter, jealous and resentful" of everyone on the planet who has had a relationship in their teens and 20s just because you didn't. I'm angry, bitter, jealous, and resentful for somewhat different reasons, yes. But it's still related to a sense of "missing out". And I'm older than the OP, so I've learned to hide/control it better. And we have tried to be encouraging to the OP, he just rejects our encouragement by implying we're all delusional for saying people CAN and DO date past age 29, and that he can too. The odds are pretty horrible for a man in his situation; should he pretend that isn't true, or...? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Just can't help but be jealous, envious, bitter and resentful towards people who got to experience young love in their teens and 20's, I don't care if those didn't last or were not true love, they were still relationships. Eh ,young love is not all it's cracked up to be. Just embrace who you are and realize Aspergerians bloom a little later and that is ok. Maybe it was that you were treated badly for who you are. That is regrettable. Many autistic people are treated badly. But if you love you others will love you too. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 But your point, Blue Spiral, was that if he was a woman we'd coddle her and claim men are "mean" but that we are being harsh with him and are not being encouraging. And I pointed out that it wasn't true. First you seem annoyed we were not being encouraging, now you're saying being encouraging is wrong and misleading. Which is it??? Link to comment
H8Reality217 Posted June 21, 2015 Author Share Posted June 21, 2015 I posted this before but you ignored it. So, here it is again, I'm really interested in what you have to say about it: In your scenario, a woman would have to wait for a man to make a "move". What happens to a woman if a man never makes a "move" on her in her teens or 20s? Should she just give up on ever dating and sit at home by herself forever, feeling bitter, angry and resentful of all the women on the planet who had a man make a "move" on them? Well you never really hear of women being single that long Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 But your point, Blue Spiral, was that if he was a woman we'd coddle her and claim men are "mean" but that we are being harsh with him and are not being encouraging. And I pointed out that it wasn't true. First you seem annoyed we were not being encouraging, now you're saying being encouraging is wrong and misleading. Which is it??? I didn't say that, actually, but let's pretend I did. As quantum theory tells us, something can be two things at once. You're pretending to be encouraging, while actually insulting him and feeding him the usual "man up" crap. You're also giving him what I like to call anecdotal false hope. "Wow, this one-winged dove dragged itself all the way to the veterinarian, so all the other doves should be able to do that, too!" No, the vast majority of them will starve to death or get eaten. Likewise, sure, a few random people may overcome incredible relationship obstacles, but most will fail. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Well you never really hear of women being single that long As a general rule, women are only single if they want to be--i.e., high-maintenance and unrealistically demanding. Or if they're really in bad shape, either physically or mentally. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 H8. I don't know where you live, but I can assure you there are women who do initiate contact, either overtly or covertly. Granted, some are better at it than others. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Well you never really hear of women being single that long Never? As in, every single woman on the planet has a BF or husband? Um, I have been 100% single since 2010. Of course, I'm not in my teens or 20s, so I should not even expect any man to make a "move" on me anyway, right? However, I do get attention from men even though I'm in my, gasp, late 40s. I just haven't been asked out on a date since then. And I have approached men and given them my number, so so much for the theory that women never approach men or make the first "move". I always believe life is a choice. I can choose to be angry, jealous, bitter and resentful that I don't have what others have. OR, I can do the best I can with what I do have. I just can't fathom choosing to live the next 50-60 years angry, bitter, jealous and resentful of others. Link to comment
H8Reality217 Posted June 21, 2015 Author Share Posted June 21, 2015 And often times I don't feel like going out because I hate having to see couples out there because its a painful, frustrating reminder of what I don't have, but unfortunately not going out will hurt me more since nobody will ever show up at a persons doorstep, or if I'm ever out and I see an attractive woman, many times I will refuse to approach and talk to her, not always out of lack of confidence or lack of courage, but because I am thinking "there's another who expects guys to initiate every single damn thing with her, take the lead with her, gonna have to put up with her ways of testing me", basically, its a matter of not being in the mood to talk to someone. Link to comment
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