Jeffbobo Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 So I broke up with my GF of 4 months last weekend. We sat on my deck and discussed things, she was upset but all in all we decided it was right. She had said she needs to work on some things and wants to keep me in her life as friends. I told her I'm still attracted to her and was unsure about remaining friends but I'm cool with that. Now... A girl that I had dated previously to the girl I just broke up with has kept in contact with me (as friends). There were times when our discussions would lead into the flirty/sexual zone (not on my account), while I was dating the girl I just broke up with. At the time I'd tell her that we need to stop this as I'm dating someone else. She'd tell me that she was sexually frustrated. I'd say, well that sucks but I can't help you. Anyway... I don't want a relationship right now. I want to be single and just focus on my kids, career and personal goals. There are a couple other girls that I go out with (as friends, could be more but I don't want to go there) from time to time. Given this, sexually frustrated girl has flat out said that she wants a friends with benefits situation with me. I find her attractive and she has a great personality as well. This is new territory for me. I'm not sure if it's right to pursue this. I don't want more than that at this point and I don't want to give her the impression that there could be more. I'm attempting to look forward on what this may look like and the ramifications. Advice? Link to comment
j.man Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Just make it completely clear to them that you're not looking for a relationship. You can be as forward as to directly call it "FWB" if you'd like. If they're down, then have fun! Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 You have a dating and flirting history with her so already this is a shared past between the two of you which may include some hidden expectations from her.. It might turn into a nightmare if it turns out that she is wanting more down the line. I say give this one a miss and look for a brand new encounter. The fact that she would complain to you about her sexual frustration while you were in a relationship is enough of a red flag that she may not hold to boundaries. And boundaries are pretty fixed when you are supposedly FWB and nothing else. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 ^ What I was thinking. Go for a FWB if that suits you at where you are in life right now, but I would pass on this particular woman. She is shooting off signals already that she'd be trouble and has an issue with respecting boundaries. Link to comment
TMifune Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Somebody always catches feelings. Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 There is a risk one will develop feelings for the other. Other than that risk, I know of no downside. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Potential downfall is having to deal with crazy down the line. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 OP, Keep your crap meter on number 11. Make sure you are not choosing FWB candidates that could possibly give you drama and angst. I'm with the posters here that suggest that you look for a new candidate, not someone from you past. Link to comment
Clinton Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Somebody always catches feelings. Agree with this. It usually turns into a cluster fcuck Link to comment
lilygirl Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 In my experience fwb works best when you don't have a prior history together and you are both on the same page on how things will play out. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Did the flirting and sexual tension with the second girl prevent you from keeping full attention on your ex, either emotionally, mentally or sexually? DId the fact that this girl was always 'waiting in the wings' have an impact, and is part of your ex "working on herself" her trying to not be so jealous of female friends? Anyway, I think that you should take time to heal and ask this second girl to kindly buzz off. Take some space for yourself. Take a few months to really heal rather than keeping the ex as a friend because you are attracted and attempting un attached sex with the second girl. See how you feel in a few months time with no entanglements before you start anything else. Link to comment
janut1 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Yea I agree - I was in a FWB situation without realizing it. I was divorced after a 17 year marriage and just started dating and had no clue what a FB or FWB was. Since I joined this board I have learned a lot. I started to date a guy and developed feelings for him, he was in it as a FWB, but didn't tell me that. He went dark on me one day after 4 months, no clue what happened. It hurt, then he resurfaced a month ago, then announced he was in a relationship on FB after telling me I was a special lady and missed me. Crazy stuff really, It takes a special person to be in a FWB with because they have to know 100% its not anything more and if feelings start, its over. I cannot do this myself and so will not do a FWB with anyone ever again. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 I have a feeling that this girl is out to snag you - she will agree to a FWB to get her foot in the door, but once she is involved with you, she'll introduce you has her boyfriend and want more. This young woman has been after you for quite awhile, you do realize that, right? Link to comment
greta96 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 ^^^ what abitbroken said. While reading your post, this is exactly the feeling I got - that this woman was trying to snatch you away from your girlfriend at the time, and was hoping that by bringing up how sexually frustrated she was, you'd be tempted to cheat. It is very clear to me that she's got her eyes on you, and yes, she will agree to anything, including a FWB arrangement, to sink her claws in you, hoping that after you have sex you'll change your mind about a relationship. FWBs are really not difficult to find, so if she was oh so sexually frustrated, she'd have found someone easily by now. I think you'd be wise to pass on her, and put yourself out there and find another FWB, preferably one that you have no history with. Link to comment
wilyone 11 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Agree 100% with abitbroken and greta96. This girl will not be satisfied with "FWB". She doesn't sound too cool if she was trying to have sex with you while you had another girlfriend. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Somebody always catches feelings. Or not. I've had a ton of FWBs, and only a few of them developed feelings. Of that group, only one of them developed serious feelings; the others just wanted to move from FWBs to "dating". Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Potential downfall is having to deal with crazy down the line. ^^ Agreed. Sudden acts of drama because one side feels that you LIED to them and now are just throwing them away. FWB is like juggling handgrenades Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Or not. I've had a ton of FWBs, and only a few of them developed feelings. Of that group, only one of them developed serious feelings; the others just wanted to move from FWBs to "dating". But wouldn't wanting to movr from strictly bed fun to dating indicate a desire to spend more quality time together? That certainly sounds like a subset of catching feelings. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 But wouldn't wanting to movr from strictly bed fun to dating indicate a desire to spend more quality time together? That certainly sounds like a subset of catching feelings. In those cases, I personally believe it was less of an emotional "catching feelings" thing and more of a logical "I want a boyfriend, and this guy could be a candidate" thing. When I turned them down, they quickly found new guys to hook up with (and date)...which, to me, would indicate that they cared more about getting a boyfriend than spending "quality time" with me. Link to comment
lifesatrip Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 In those cases, I personally believe it was less of an emotional "catching feelings" thing and more of a logical "I want a boyfriend, and this guy could be a candidate" thing. When I turned them down, they quickly found new guys to hook up with (and date)...which, to me, would indicate that they cared more about getting a boyfriend than spending "quality time" with me. I don't understand your reasoning. If they started developing feelings for you, naturally they'd want to date you, and when you expressed that you weren't down for that, they decided to move on rather than emotionally torture themselves. Link to comment
JA0371 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Yep....she has already caught feelings for you....otherwise, I would advise you to go for it and have fun. Link to comment
Jeffbobo Posted June 20, 2015 Author Share Posted June 20, 2015 Did the flirting and sexual tension with the second girl prevent you from keeping full attention on your ex, either emotionally, mentally or sexually? DId the fact that this girl was always 'waiting in the wings' have an impact, and is part of your ex "working on herself" her trying to not be so jealous of female friends? Anyway, I think that you should take time to heal and ask this second girl to kindly buzz off. Take some space for yourself. Take a few months to really heal rather than keeping the ex as a friend because you are attracted and attempting un attached sex with the second girl. See how you feel in a few months time with no entanglements before you start anything else. The flirting by the second girl had no bearing on the relationship with my ex. There was no "waiting in the wings" with the second girl in my head. When I broke up with the second girl, she had said that if things did not work out with my ex, that she'd probably still be single. Other women I've dated check in on me periodically to see how I'm doing or tell me of things going on in their lives. It's just that the second girl is very bold. I *am* looking to just focus on myself. The issue that I'm having is that I end up giving things up or start falling behind on things that are important to me, which is one of the main reasons for my recent breakup. The second girl has taken an interest in some of the things that I enjoy doing. It's ended up engaging and sucking me in. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 Be careful with her. She does not seem kosher on the FWB front. She wants more than that. Link to comment
Jeffbobo Posted June 20, 2015 Author Share Posted June 20, 2015 ^^^ what abitbroken said. While reading your post, this is exactly the feeling I got - that this woman was trying to snatch you away from your girlfriend at the time, and was hoping that by bringing up how sexually frustrated she was, you'd be tempted to cheat. It is very clear to me that she's got her eyes on you, and yes, she will agree to anything, including a FWB arrangement, to sink her claws in you, hoping that after you have sex you'll change your mind about a relationship. FWBs are really not difficult to find, so if she was oh so sexually frustrated, she'd have found someone easily by now. I think you'd be wise to pass on her, and put yourself out there and find another FWB, preferably one that you have no history with. I think you're right. We dated for three weeks and had sex during that time. If I wasn't swayed by sex the first time, it's not like it's going to sway me the second time around. This girl says that I make her week in the knees. Ex said that I *noodle* her (I guess that's the same thing). Girl previous straight out said she's falling for me (3 weeks in...). I'm thinking that any one of these cases are not FWB candidates since they want more? Again, I'm a bit green in the FWB arena. Link to comment
Jeffbobo Posted June 20, 2015 Author Share Posted June 20, 2015 Be careful with her. She does not seem kosher on the FWB front. She wants more than that. Point taken. Sounds like even if we sat down and agreed to clear expectations, this still would not be the right avenue? Link to comment
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