Guy I'm dating is on vacation for 2 weeks... Advice?

[Rosti87]

I'm not expecting him to constantly text me on vacation. I just find it hard to deal with because i felt like there was a change before he left. I know he's dealing with the family thing and I understand. I just don't want to get hurt and wait around for him. I don't think he's been seeing anyone else while with me because we were always talking or texting up until we had sex/ he found out about his aunt.

 

1) He was different before he left because he has a beloved family member's life change. You don't know him well enough to know how he may process situations like this. He could process pain internally and not share well

 

2) If you did not have the exclusive talk then I would not put all my eggs in one basket. Go date others. Go out and socialize more with friends and family. Keep busy.

 

3) Your expectations are too high for this early in the game. Slow down your roll.

[fixyou_]

I didn't approach this relationship like expecting him to be a dirtbag. He withdrew and when he said why it was a red flag for me. It's difficult to determine whether or not I still want to have feelings for him. I met with my therapist yesterday and we discussed the situation and the first thing she said was that it doesn't sound right... She agreed that the brain tumor thing sounded a bit outlandish, but also told me to just stop thinking about the guy and if I don't like how he pushed sex and seem withdrawn after to just not talk to him anymore. I'm just a ball of confusion and feel stuck.

[fixyou_]

I guess I feel like he just wanted sex. Even if his aunt does have a brain tumor it doesn't mean he has to be completely different. He didn't have to open up and tell me... But the last night I saw him it was good up until I left. He didn't walk me to my car and didn't see if I got home ok (45 min drive)... Not to mention I left at 2 am and had to be at work at 730. I figured he would have asked me to stay like every other time... Which I declined all but once when we had sex.

[Seraphim]

Ok, so ditch him think about it no more and carry on.

[mhowe]

I guess I feel like he just wanted sex. Even if his aunt does have a brain tumor it doesn't mean he has to be completely different. He didn't have to open up and tell me... But the last night I saw him it was good up until I left. He didn't walk me to my car and didn't see if I got home ok (45 min drive)... Not to mention I left at 2 am and had to be at work at 730. I figured he would have asked me to stay like every other time... Which I declined all but once when we had sex.

 

If you have declined all but once...perhaps he has stopped asking.

Perhaps because he was flying out the next day...he didn't ask.

Perhaps because all of this over thinking apparently started after you walked out the door, you are overthinking EVERYTHING.

[Seraphim]

I think if you and your therapist have determined he is a liar ( which I find extremely bizarre a therapist would suggest he's a liar) just let him go and move on.

[Rosti87]

If you have declined all but once...perhaps he has stopped asking.

Perhaps because he was flying out the next day...he didn't ask.

Perhaps because all of this over thinking apparently started after you walked out the door, you are overthinking EVERYTHING.

 

^^^ THIS in spades. If you don't like what he is doing move on. It is not like you have been dating for a half a year to a year. You've only known him 2 months. If your counselor agrees with you that there is something wrong then back out the driveway forthwith.

[Seraphim]

Believe me six dates isn't worth all the anxiety you're putting into it.

[BigKK]

Just checking in....so nothing has happened still...he's still on vacation, but Rome and the OP are burning?

 

 

 

Let me put it in the perspective of the guy... he met a nice girl (he thinks is a nice girl) they hit it off, after several dates, they have sex... he finds out one of his favorite aunts has a brain tumor...he's a little bit distraught. He goes on a vacation he has planned and is looking forward to getting home, having things calm down...being able to take his new girl out again.

 

 

Little does he know that in the mean time the girl has deemed him a liar, and a user all due to her own issues and the help of a mediocre therapist.

 

Feels almost like an ambush. *shrug* Oh well...if I was him and the girl approached me with all these accusations I would drop her. Then the girl (the OP's) biggest fears will be realized...that he "used" her for sex. When in fact, it would be her nuttiness that drove him away.

 

 

Is my hypothetical completely implausible?

[j.man]

Spare this guy the impending explosion of drama he's sure to face when he steps off the plane. You apparently think he has 1) used you for sex, 2) made a conscious effort to ignore you for two full weeks, and 3) fabricated a story about a dear relative of his getting a brain tumor. I highly doubt you're going to let all of this just slip away from your mind when you see him.

 

It doesn't help that your therapist sounds like the mental healthcare equivalent of a Jerry Springer audience.

 

"Even if his aunt does have a brain tumor it doesn't mean he has to be completely different."

 

^^^ Based on that alone, I can safely say the dude deserves better. You don't even know him, MUCH LESS his familial relations. If my own girlfriend thought I was making up a family tragedy, I'd probably leave her. If she were someone I'd only been on a handful of dates with, I wouldn't even let her finish her sentence before I closed the door.

 

I think you need to take time to 100% work on you. A lot of us have been there. As is, every relationship that doesn't go COMPLETELY your way will only end up the same.

[fixyou_]

Woah. I'm not a nut and I didn't say anything over the top to him. I understand where you're coming from... But I'm not here to be judged. I'm just trying not to get burned and I don't have much experience, so I'm nervous. I don't know if he's lying or not... I'd hope not, but I'll just have to wait and see. Haven't heard anythjng from him yet.

[fixyou_]

Ugh... Look, I get what you're saying but I'm just trying to figure out of it's a red flag or not. I am ok and ready for whatever happens, but i just question it from a previous experience. I'd let it all slip away if he came back and things went back to the way they were.he deserves better? Um, ok. Look, I had an ex who lied to me about a family member dying and with everything happening like that after we had sex, I'm just questioning it in the safety of the Internet... Not to be judged.

[fixyou_]

Yup... I never approached him with any of this. All I said to him was I felt like something changed, and that's when he told me about his aunt. And then I dropped it and didn't ask anything else and said I'd be there if he needed anything.

[Seraphim]

What I'm absolutely astounded by is that your therapist would intimate that this guy is the same as the last guy you went out with. That is basically her confirming and further entrenching your idea that men are going to screw you over. Basically that's not her job as a therapist.

[fixyou_]

I agree. I was taken back when she didn't ask me questions and basically just said that she doesn't think it sounds right. She told me to call his work and ask for him... Yeah, right! I believe he's on vacay... That wasn't the issue.

What I'm absolutely astounded by is that your therapist would intimate that this guy is the same as the last guy you went out with. That is basically her confirming and further entrenching your idea that men are going to screw you over. Basically that's not her job as a therapist.

[Seraphim]

I agree. I was taken back when she didn't ask me questions and basically just said that she doesn't think it sounds right. She told me to call his work and ask for him... Yeah, right! I believe he's on vacay... That wasn't the issue.

 

You should shop for a new therapist. She has no clue how to be objective. And she's not promoting critical thinking. And she's promoting spying on your partner. She cannot help you recover from your past situation ,start shopping around. Just because somebody's a therapist doesn't mean they're a good one.

[Andrina]

Nobody has a crystal ball to know how a relationship will turn out and nobody here can get inside the guy's brain. You will just have to wait to see if he puts in effort when he gets back. Take every relationship day by day with a wait and see attitude. It takes a long time to see if someone is compatible with you and meets all of your main needs, if it even gets past the initial beginning dates. When you have a fulfilling life outside of a man, you will see it as sharing your joy with the right companion. If is doesn't work out, you will be upset but not devastated because you have a great life besides having a romantic relationship. Many of us go through lots of relationships before we find the one that sticks. Those are the hard knocks of life. The good thing is that you learn from the bad relationships and know what you don't want. With life experience, you are usually wiser when choosing a good one, and knowing when to cut off the bad ones.

[Baily]

also, I wouldn't call it a 'vacation' when he's dealing with a major family issue.

Got to remember he's at a place where the entire family is grieving...there isn't any fun going on...thus sex and relationships are as far away from his mind as possible.

 

...you do have something to the fact that sometimes guys have sex and leave....for various reasons...and this could be one of them. Either way wait or don't wait...there are plenty of fish

 

I've left girls after having sex because they sucked at sex and I wasn't going to stick around in a relationship where we were not on the same page sexually.

[jamiemathers]

I think the feelings you're experiencing are misdirected, it seems that in your mind events transpired like this;

We had sex, he's behaving differently - he's behaving differently because you had sex

In reality it is far more likely that

He found out that his aunt has a brain tumor, (you had sex), he's behaving differently - He's behaving differently because his aunt has a brain tumor

 

Correlation does not mean causation; you having sex has not directly caused the change in his behavior.

 

It's natural that you may feel insecure because you'd like to be the person that he can turn to, but everybody responds to things differently, imagine how you would feel if a close family member had just been inflicted with such a tragic condition.

 

He's probably using this two week vacation to process his emotions about his aunt and you can't expect to be his priority right now, he wouldn't expect to be yours if you were in the same situation. Give him these two weeks of space and hopefully he will return with a better outlook of the situation and possibly of your relationship, in these two weeks he may just realize how much you mean to him. When he gets back be as supportive as you can and then try to have an open and honest conversation about your feelings towards each other. But seriously, I wouldn't blame yourself for the way he is acting right now, he's under a lot of emotional strain and he needs this space, maybe you texting him 'hope you're having a good day' would be more beneficial to the relationship than him texting you. he needs your support right now, not the other way around.

[fixyou_]

Hmm. I agree with what you're saying but I'm not texting him. He's on vacation and I don't want to come off as clingy... He said he would text me when he got wifi... I haven't gotten a text yet. So, idk.

[sophie274]

I think the fact that he hasn't been in touch yet is very telling. I think anyone who is into anyone else doesn't just disappear during a vacation - these days (yes, even in Asia), it's extremely easy to send a quick email or iMessage. Honestly, I've backpacked on several different continents, and never had any trouble being in touch with anyone I wanted to be in touch with. (If he's on a multi day trek in the woods/mountains then I'll revise my statement, but otherwise, I'm sure he's had access to the internet since he's been gone).

 

It's happened to me several times when I was dating a guy that he left for vacation and just disappeared off the radar. Every single time, he just wasn't that into me. When you like someone, they're on your mind, and you want to be in touch, even if it's just a quick hello. I'm not saying he should be spending his vaca in his hotel room texting you. But a quick message once over the course of the past week (I'm here, it's awesome, can't wait to show you pics when I'm back!) would have taken literally 1 minute. I don't think he's using this vacation to process his aunt's illness. I think he's having a great time being on vacation! Which is as it should be, but to me, it's pretty clear he's distancing himself.

[melancholy123]

I think you are getting way ahead of yourself in this very new relationship. The guy is on holidays! His aunt is very sick. What do you want? The worst case scenario is he wanted to sleep with you and now he has. The best case scenario is he comes back in two weeks and things pick up where they left off. I too think you are coming off as needy and not ready for a real relationship/romance. Slow down!

[Rosti87]

I think you are getting way ahead of yourself in this very new relationship. The guy is on holidays! His aunt is very sick. What do you want? The worst case scenario is he wanted to sleep with you and now he has. The best case scenario is he comes back in two weeks and things pick up where they left off. I too think you are coming off as needy and not ready for a real relationship/romance. Slow down!

 

I just think the expectations are too high for such a brief relationship. There was no exclusive conversation. No indication of long term anything.

[sophie274]

So, has he been in touch?

[fixyou_]

Nope. He is backpacking. So, idk, but I mean i just think it's whatever.

So, has he been in touch?