Multi-dating online - How to juggle it

[RKO]

I recently submerged myself in to OLD, using Tinder and POF. A few of my friends male and female have found partners on here and although ive dabbled in this in the past im ready to give it a proper go now.

 

My issue is dating more than 1 person at a time, I feel really bad about doing it and I know they are very likely to be doing the same but it doenst sit well with me.

 

Heres my prediciment:

 

Saturday - Im possibly meeting a cute girl, not my type at all, she has wild bright red hair and tattoos, yet we've clicked conversation wise and I think we would have fun. She straight up asked me out on a date and im happy to see her. The reason its potential is that she only asked today and im not 100% sure of my plans and when they are ending tomorrow, I told her this and shes cool with it, either way I want to meet her. shes 26

 

Monday - One of the 1st I spoke too, more my type, athletic, blonde hair and she seems like a great person, family orientated, good job, does a lot for charity etc. I think she would be a good fit. shes 25

 

April time - She lives in london at the minute but is moving back home by where I live, again very cute, looks the spitting image of Emma stone from the spiderman movies, good job and really has her life together. shes 27

 

Potential - Now heres the one that looks wise is the winner, shes gorgeous and my "perfect" girl as far as looks go, we only started speaking the other day and its playful chat, shes met a few off POF but they all happen to be after 1 thing which she isnt against. Personality wise she seems nice but not quite matching the others but looks wise she blows them away.

 

My dilemma is, am I ok to meet them all? I know theres a chance all of them might not even like me etc but each one has something im attracted to. Also what happens if I meet the 1st tomorrow and get blown away by her, but then meet the others?

 

I never realised having so many messages would cause this stress!

[mhowe]

Its like job hunting....you don't put all your eggs in one basic. And the premise is...everyone knows you are going to interview with more than one company. Why? Because each job opportunity will have its own +/-'s and you are looking g for the best fit for the long haul.

[Ms Darcy]

You can meet whoever you want, but I think you sound a bit looks obsessed. I'm going to guess focusing on looks hasn't really worked out for you thus far or you wouldn't be online dating right now. Unless you look like Brad Pitt, it seems that a lot of people who date online view dating as a menu for ordering the hottest person they can find versus focusing on compatibility.

 

My advice would be to remember that you don't know anything until you meet them. Of course, if someone is turning you off (like #1), don't waste their time, but be open-minded for the rest.

[derroax]

I like the comparison with job interviews, and having recently been on the job market myself, I can tell you that as with jobs hunting, relationship hunting can be overwhelming if you try to juggle too many "interviews" at once! Doing so will make things confusing and you won't be able to truly invest your energy in giving the relationship a true chance.

 

My recommendation would be to get to know these people a little bit better before you commit to meeting them. And/Or lower the expectations of what you're doing, and look at it as going for a coffee with an acquaintance, rather than dating your potential soulmate. Between putting a stronger filter on the number of people you actually do meet, and the duration/complexity of the date (ie dinner & movie vs just a coffee), you will be able to find the balance so you can actually enjoy the experience and not turn it into a stressful one!

[Batya33]

I met as many people as time permitted and agree with Mhowe. One time I had 3 first meets in an afternoon/evening which was overdoing it. I was looking for marriage so I wanted to keep all my options open until I met someone to be exclusive with.

[annie24]

I guess it depends on what culture you are from. Some places, multi-dating is not common. However, this is internet dating, and a lot like job hunting as mhowe says. You may have 4 prospective candidates, however, in the next week, one might find someone else, another might get back together with her ex, another might look nothing like her photos... so it's best to meet in person, see how the chemistry is, and see if even a 2nd date is warranted.

[LoveSoDeep]

Meeting and dating are two totally different things in my book.

 

Even if you think multi-dating isn't for you, ATM you're not dating any of these women. So meet them all and if and when you get to the point where you think one is dating material then stop meeting others. Just agreeing to meet them means next to nothing....I've met up with many guys from OLD and only maybe a couple turned into dating scenarios....so don't cut anything short in the meeting stage....also realize they are probably doing this as well.

[BigKK]

Meeting and dating are two totally different things in my book.

 

Even if you think multi-dating isn't for you, ATM you're not dating any of these women. So meet them all and if and when you get to the point where you think one is dating material then stop meeting others. Just agreeing to meet them means next to nothing....I've met up with many guys from OLD and only maybe a couple turned into dating scenarios....so don't cut anything short in the meeting stage....also realize they are probably doing this as well.

 

I agree with this advice, worry about MULTI-dating, when you've met all these gals, asked them out for more dates and they all say yes and you continue dating. Otherwise you're just seeing how you two interact in person...doesn't really carry much weight yet if any.

[Sportster2005]

The only thing I don't like about the job hunt analogy is it implies working hard and being stressed. I look at it more as buying comfy slippers. Try different ones until you find the one pair that just feels right. .... There's good reasons why I'm still single...

[shellyf62]

Great analogy Sportster. My friend met an amazing guy through her work, and didn't want to mention his name in emails to me, do she nicknamed him "the old shoe". Her reasoning was being with him was like wearing her most comfortable shoes and how relaxed he made her feel.

I'm still looking for my old shoe

[tiredofvampires]

I'm in a similar type of predicament. I'm stressed with the same issue as you, OP. And it IS very, very stressful. Enough that I'm almost dreading meeting these guys more than thinking of the fun. I feel like the line between "the right to shop around" and integrity is rather thin. Because to really do justice to "shopping around," you almost have to do the impossible -- get to know multiple people on a level that precludes getting to know any of them as you ought to.

 

What I'm wondering is...what if you meet them all, and there's enough there to want to date more than one, or at least, see where each leads? What if more than one feels comfy for a different reason? What if all of them have potential to be "right" for you?

 

How long do you try to keep it noncommittal enough to keep doors open, without feeling like you're cheating each one (and yourself) of quality attention/time?

 

I feel like at some point, and it seems arbitrary, you have to hedge some stiff bets, assuming there is chemistry with more than one, and cut out all but one -- how do you "know" when that is, and WHO it is, without already investing somewhat in each of them to know?? It's sort of a circular problem. You can't get to know any of them in-depth enough to know they're the right one to seriously pursue, unless you at least emotionally become exclusive; but if you do that, you've closed your options (perhaps prematurely) with the others who might be a better fit.

 

Aaagh!

 

I mean, you don't *know* until you know.

 

Seems a conundrum!

 

In my 20's, I had time to think about going from one dead end to the next, in serial fashion. Now that I'm getting older, I don't have too many more years to "just go with the flow" and hope the one person I'm currently into isn't a disaster (or just ultimately unsuitable).

 

Anyone?

[Batya33]

I never ever thought if it as "the right to shop around" -it's not a "right" as if there could be a situation where I don't have the right when I'm single -it's just reality and I never felt I needed to establish that "right" -the default was, if we weren't exclusive I was keeping my options open. Obviously if I was exclusive with someone we did not have the "right" to shop around but we're talking about meeting and dating people.

 

Did it ever get a little confusing? Sure. So does marriage sometimes, comes with the territory. But it was worth the long term goal of marriage and the goal of not closing off opportunities because of a stranger or near-stranger. I did feel like I could get to know a number of people at once and I was far less insecure/needy because I had all those dates lined up. For me, I usually felt comfortable after about 6-8 weeks of dating to be exclusive if we'd seen each other at least once a week.

 

I knew when I felt like there was good or strong potential for the long term/marriage and I felt that he felt the same. Obviously it's all a risk but that is how I personally balanced the risk. I did not go with only the "just know" -combination of head and heart even if we weren't "in love" quite yet.

 

There was at least once I felt like I made the wrong choice -one guy was pushing for exclusivity and in that situation knew about the other guy. The guy who wanted me was just not right for me at that time in my life but he would have been right a few years later. I wanted the more "bad boy" type at that time (who later married a man but that's another story) and left the more reliable option for the non-commital bad boy option. I don't think more time with the reliable guy would have helped at that time -despite there being good chemistry -meeting him a few years later definitely would have.

I agree that it is challenging to get to know multiple people at one time and that focusing on one person at a certain point is essential for the whole relationship to grow including the security/comfy part but once in my 30s I thought it was foolish to close off options too quickly while the dating pool was shrinking and I wanted to get married eventually.

[Sportster2005]

ink about going from one dead end to the next, in serial fashion. Now that I'm getting older, I don't have too many more years to "just go with the flow" and hope the one person I'm currently into isn't a disaster (or just ultimately unsuitable).

 

Anyone?

 

Getting all worked up because of your age is just foolish. I'm not panicking, nor am I going to.

 

You and only you, are creating this false potential catastrophe. Chill. Breath. You'll be fine.

[tiredofvampires]

Getting all worked up because of your age is just foolish. I'm not panicking, nor am I going to.

 

You and only you, are creating this false potential catastrophe. Chill. Breath. You'll be fine.

 

Ha, thanks. I do need to breathe.

 

But I wouldn't say I'm panicked. I'm just torn and stressed over a situation that feels imminent. It's not my age that has me concerned -- nor finding no one. In fact, I've never been more comfortable with the idea of remaining alone. I'm saying that if I AM going to seriously date, I want to know how to invest my emotions and heart in a way that is fair to both parties. Once I DO invest in feelings and people, and I'm engaging someone else that way, I don't take that lightly. My mentioning my age is a reference to the mortal fact that with less time between now and death, I have less years than I did before to hit the bull's eye with the choices I make. That's just as I said a FACT. So my aim has to be more unerring, and my approach therefore has to be more circumspect, if my goal is "a life partner". There's just less life left.

 

How is this a false problem? (I won't say catastrophe, because that's way too strong a word to describe the spectre of remaining single.)

 

Have you faced this type of problem Sportster, and if so, how did you deal with it? Liking more than one person equally for different reasons and wanting to move forward with more than one in a way that could do each of the relationships/people (and therefore yourself, too) a disservice?

[Batya33]

I always assumed adults could take care of themselves and unless we decided to be exclusive I would trust that the other adult would choose how or whether to invest time, emotion, money, whatever into dating me and accept the downsides that it might not become exclusive. Seemed very fair to me. Once we were exclusive of course a level of those risks remained other than the other adult is entitled to trust that I won't cheat or behave inappropriately as far as our commitment to each other.

 

As far as age - I was very focused on time passing and the dating pool shrinking as I got older. Right or not that was my situation.

[missmarple]

My mentioning my age is a reference to the mortal fact that with less time between now and death, I have less years than I did before to hit the bull's eye with the choices I make. That's just as I said a FACT.

 

Is it a fact though? Noone knows when they're going to die. For all you know, you could live to be 100..and, until then, millions of young or younger people will have died. Someone may be saying I'm 20, I have a whole life ahead of me but noone knows for sure.

[tiredofvampires]

Is it a fact though? Noone knows when they're going to die. For all you know, you could live to be 100..and, until then, millions of young or younger people will have died. Someone may be saying I'm 20, I have a whole life ahead of me but noone knows for sure.

 

It's true, no one knows when they're going to die. But if we are to assume that anyone COULD live until 100, the person who is 20 has more years/time to reach that age than the person who is 40 -- and therefore, more years to try out ill-fitting relationships that last months to years. That's the fact here.

 

The reason age is relevant for me is that I am less inclined to spend the time I have left here trying to make semi-unhappy unions work, as opposed to spending the time doing things alone and enjoying my friendships. I DO want a love relationship, but the idea of years of trying to fit round pegs into square holes, only to see all that effort evaporate into the whole breakup/loss/grief cycle feels less worth it than it did at 26. So whereas I couldn't have conceived of multi-dating then, it's more appealing to me now. I feel I need to vet people out much more closely, so that I don't go down wrong roads based on some more superficial attractions or impressions of compatibility. But that whole process does require an emotional investment you grow, and that's where it gets sticky in my mind.

 

As for the dating pool shrinking, I think it does in the 30's, but then it starts opening up again. People never married, people now getting divorced, widowed, etc. No shortage of men in my age range online, and out there in general. It's just that many are not my type.

 

Sorry I don't have much advice for you, OP. It's more a sympathy post. But I would say that if you're after a serious relationship, I would not pursue people who just seem like fun but you know in your heart aren't really "keeper" material. You can make that much of it easier for yourself.

[RKO]

Thanks everyone.

 

One less problem was saturday nights, I didnt hear off her at all until sat night, I gave her my number on friday morning and said easier to sort over text/call rather than POF, didnt hear anything off her until 7:30 sat night! she asked what was the plan, I said because I hand t heard back off her on either pof or phone that i presumed she wasnt interested so made my own plans. She didnt like this! - Personally I think I did right there.

 

Tonight its my 1st online date, its all planned and sorted, nervous but looking forward to it, she seems like a really nice girl. Will let you know how it goes later.

 

Ive decided to hide my profile for the time being, not that I cant keep up with the messages (in my dreams!) but every day there seems to be someone new popping up, id just rather "interview" the ones im in contact with at the moment.

 

The girl thats my type we are hopefully meeting this week some point although she said shes painfully shy, I wouldnt say im shy but it does make it harder im sure.

[Batya33]

It's tricky -it's better to set time/place at the time you decide to meet so you don't have to wait for a call -if she thought you had a definite plan for Sat. night I can see where she might have called you later just to confirm. This gets more complicated when you don't know the person and what's going on with their schedule/ability to text earlier, etc. I agree 7:30 is pretty late to first be getting in touch.

 

It's up to you whether you want to slow down the pace -whatever makes you comfortable -upsides and downsides to all of it.

[RKO]

It's tricky -it's better to set time/place at the time you decide to meet so you don't have to wait for a call -if she thought you had a definite plan for Sat. night I can see where she might have called you later just to confirm. This gets more complicated when you don't know the person and what's going on with their schedule/ability to text earlier, etc. I agree 7:30 is pretty late to first be getting in touch.

 

It's up to you whether you want to slow down the pace -whatever makes you comfortable -upsides and downsides to all of it.

 

Exactly, the last contact I had with her was me sending a message on POF saying, heres my number lets try and sort out something sometime saturday. Then heard nothing for 2 days.

I wont be meeting her now anyway as her reaction has really put me off.

 

Tonights date has text saying shes really nervous and apprehensive about meeting me. I think shes looking to bail.!

[Batya33]

I understand! As far as the date tonight -for me that would be oversharing -put on your big girl pants and show up, be nice and look nice for a one hour coffee meeting- walk in head high. I get that people are shy, etc but that doesn't mean she has to hide behind a screen and unload on you. OK that was probably a bit harsh!

[Sportster2005]

My mentioning my age is a reference to the mortal fact that with less time between now and death, I have less years than I did before to hit the bull's eye with the choices I make. That's just as I said a FACT. So my aim has to be more unerring, and my approach therefore has to be more circumspect, if my goal is "a life partner". There's just less life left.

 

How is this a false problem? (I won't say catastrophe, because that's way too strong a word to describe the spectre of remaining single.)

 

Have you faced this type of problem Sportster, and if so, how did you deal with it? Liking more than one person equally for different reasons and wanting to move forward with more than one in a way that could do each of the relationships/people (and therefore yourself, too) a disservice?

 

It's a false problem because you have falsely convinced yourself that you need to take a certain action because you are a certain age. The only fact in all of this, is yes, you are going to die. Everything else is opinion. And in my opinion feeling like the clock is running out at 46 or 52 is creating unneeded stress in one's life.

 

I did go through a period when I was 45, that is similar, if not the same. Here I am soon to be 53 and I realize I'm still here. I'm still attracting women, and I'm still happy to wait. I'm not going to let the passage of time pressure me into anything.

 

////

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

 

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,

Because their words had forked no lightning they

Do not go gentle into that good night.

 

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright

Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

 

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,

And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,

Do not go gentle into that good night.

 

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight

Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

 

And you, my father, there on the sad height,

Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

 

Dylan Thomas

[RKO]

Tonight's date was great (with the one that doesn't have facebook)

To start with looks wise she was beautiful, everything I'd go for in that department and conversation was awesome, we talked about video games and our love for the rocky sound track, she knew the name of every song from it!

We had heap loads in common and she has a real love for outdoors and adventures, exactly what I like.

 

Leaving each other there was no kiss or hug but it was freezing, I said to let me know she got in safe. Even tho there was lots of eye contact and laughing I thought she might not want to see me again.... Wrong!

 

She text when she got in thanking for a really fun night, I asked about seeing her again and she said "100% definitely want to"

 

Very happy with tonight.

[Batya33]

Sounds like a great first meet!

[tiredofvampires]

That's all fine and well…but I'm wondering if you have any pearls for this question I asked:

 

 

 

Which I believe is still on topic. As a general question.

 

The primary source of stress is not that the clock is ticking and I'm running out of time. It's that several people could be "the right one", and how do you ascertain that, absent any obvious clues that any of the candidates should be out of the running? (This is not a hypothetical for me, and I'd write my own thread so as not to hijack this one, but this OP's title covers the issue). And the goal is for the next one to be the last/right one.

 

Secondarily, if I choose the "wrong right one", I've not got a ton of rope left. This is not the main theme of my point/post, even though it enters my head as "stakes."