Grrr...those women who give up EVERYTHING for their BF

[boltnrun]

This is really a long rant, so fair warning...

 

My friend is tall, gorgeous, sweet, smart, loving, funny, hard working, 30 years old...everything anyone could want in a friend and/or partner. Her BF is short, bald, middle aged, "old country" (Eastern European), uncompromising, controlling, jealous, insecure regarding her... the list goes on. And, he owns one of those corner used car lots that target people with poor credit, where it's stated in the purchase agreement that he can (and will) repossess the car if a payment is ONE DAY late. According to her, he's "had" to pry car keys out of the hands of sobbing single mothers who needed the car to get to work to support their kids, because it was 8:00 am the day after the payment had been due.

 

Of course, she's an adult and can choose whom to date. And it's really none of my business. But what steams me is whenever I wanted to see her, say for coffee or for a walk and chat, she "has" to check with him. I'd expect she'd say something like "I'm meeting boltnrun for tea and a chat, I'll call you when I get back". But no, it's "boltnrun wants to meet for tea, is that OK with you?" And of course, BF says no! Because, boltnrun will probably try to get her to go to a bar or something, and bars are MEAT MARKETS! She was my roommate for a while and he actually chose my place for her because I'm middle aged and don't date. HE chose, she had no say in the matter. He even told me he'd decided for her because he knows what's best for her.

 

I moved out of state about a year ago, and was visiting her state last week for a few days. I emailed her asking if we could meet up for tea. She waited five days to respond (didn't respond until the day I was leaving to go back home) and emailed me to say she hadn't been able to arrange her schedule to meet with me. Translation? HE said no! Probably because I was staying at a hotel and hotels are MEAT MARKETS!

 

Now she's emailing me asking for my phone number because she wants to chat on the phone. OK, so I'm in a snit and I do NOT want to "chat on the phone"! I had really hoped to see her in person, but she WILL NOT do anything he says she can't do. She has NO friends (he won't let her) and she doesn't do anything on her own (he says no). She told me before that every day after work she goes to the house he shares with his parents and helps his mom in the kitchen and basically is just there with him and his parents. The couple of times I managed to meet up with her before I moved, she told him a lie that she was running to the store or that she had to run by work to pick something up. She had to LIE to see a friend for tea!

 

I can't figure out what she's getting out of this relationship. He had grown children and she's never had kids. I have no idea if he'd be willing to marry her and have more kids. He won't live with her because he's living with his parents. I suspect he won't marry her because she's of a different race. It took him a couple of years to even introduce her to his parents (again, I suspect it may have been a race issue). He wants her to stay thin, so while she was living with me I noticed she'd cut up half a cucumber into slices and have that for dinner! That's not only nutritionally unbalanced, but the poor girl must have been starving...but she needs to stay thin! She will only take a job if he approves (some of the places she applied were MEAT MARKETS and he said no).

 

I suppose despite all of her wonderful qualities, she must be insecure. I don't understand her attitude because she previously had lived on an island in the Caribbean by herself. Traveled there without knowing a soul! And she did the same thing when she moved to my former state. So I don't get the insecurity and the fear and the submissiveness.

 

I'm just super frustrated. I know the "right" thing to do would be to be "supportive", but she frustrates me with her complete capitulation to his every demand. She's a grown woman for God's sake, she should be able to think for herself! So I'm pulling back. If she needs me she's welcome to contact (and I'll tell her that) but I'm done with trying to maintain a steady friendship.

 

Why do women do this???? (Rhetorical question, I realize. Frustration speaking)

[DancingFool]

Abusive controlling people have a way of brainwashing even the strongest. That's not even a gender issue. As much as you hate the position she is in, please be the friend that she needs and do keep a line open to her. Perhaps one day she will snap out of it and will need a friend and a safe place to go and you may be the only number she has.

[happyfrank]

Sounds like your friend loves the abuse. She can only help herself.

[annie24]

Abusive controlling people have a way of brainwashing even the strongest. That's not even a gender issue. As much as you hate the position she is in, please be the friend that she needs and do keep a line open to her. Perhaps one day she will snap out of it and will need a friend and a safe place to go and you may be the only number she has.

 

I agree, it sounds like he's emotionally abusing her, and he's probably made her feel as if she has no other options. I feel really bad for her. I hope she wakes up.

[alli]

I also agree with DancingFool. Abusers take control insidiously. They slowly take away everything from a person. One good way to make sure it happens is to remove all other relationships from that person so they are completely dependent on the abuser. Because it's kind of hard to leave someone if you have no one else to turn to for support. Also, abusers often believe family members/friends will influence the person's opinion and the last thing they want is someone to say that this is an unhealthy relationship and that they should leave.

 

Maybe she doesn't realize how far deep she is into this. If you say anything negative to her about him, he might somehow find out. ie, checking her messages, listening in on calls. Or she might even tell him. But heck, it's not like you see her that much anyway so there is hardly any relationship left between you and your friend to sever. If I were you I would take my chances. I wouldn't say what a loser you think he is and how much better she is than that. Instead I would say that you are concerned for her well-being because she is losing independence and relationships with her family and other friends. I would tell her you will be there for her whether she is with him or not. That you will listen if she wants to talk about it. And that even if you guys haven't talked in a while, she can always come to you for both emotional support and literally a place to go to if she ever wants to leave. And leave it at that.

 

If she doesn't see just how bad her situation is or if she doesn't want to leave right now there's not much you can say to change that. But I think she does need to know that you are concerned for her well-being in her situation. If she isn't ready, telling her over and over again will not help. But I do think she needs to hear it once. Silence is acceptance after all. Just be certain that you don't communicate this in written messages and that he is no where in her vicinity when you say it. Other than that I don't think there is much else you can do. It is frustrating to see someone you care about in a situation like this. How sad for her.

[boltnrun]

Thank you. Yes, I will certainly be available if/when she needs a friend. Of course I will! But she's not there (yet). I just don't understand why such a lovely woman (inside and out) would want to accept and be in such a restrictive relationship.

[Batya33]

Thank you. Yes, I will certainly be available if/when she needs a friend. Of course I will! But she's not there (yet). I just don't understand why such a lovely woman (inside and out) would want to accept and be in such a restrictive relationship.

 

I understand the frustration and you must continue to resist the temptation to interfere - if you see physical abuse you might have to of course. I was surprised that the first "judgment" of him had to do with his looks - I understand he has negative qualities but maybe she got the sense that you were focusing first on his looks (whether or not you said that outright) and after that really didn't want to hear anymore.

 

I think your approach going forward is a good one.

[Hollyj]

What does her family say?

[boltnrun]

I've never told her I don't like him. I respect her choice (even though I don't agree with it) and I care enough about her not to slam him to her. All I've ever said to her regarding him is that it seemed like he never allowed her to make any choices. HE decided where she would live, HE decided what they would do on weekends (the exact same thing every single weekend), HE chose the restaurant (again, same restaurant every time), HE even told her how to drive! I asked her one time if she ever got to suggest weekend plans or a restaurant and she looked down at the floor and said no, he liked to choose and she really didn't mind. The driving thing must have bothered her, though, because she told me about that. She either drove too slow or too fast or didn't change lanes properly or whatever. She kind of laughed about that one.

 

I realize focusing on his looks isn't nice. If I liked the guy I wouldn't care, but I don't like him so I'm slamming him. I admit it.

 

Her family (mother) lives on the East coast and she has no siblings. Father wasn't in her life. That's why I wonder if she's trying to resolve Daddy issues with this boyfriend.

 

She's kind of bombarding me with contact...an email, two phone calls and a text. I wrote back today welcoming her to contact me via email or text (I don't receive phone service in the boonies where I live lol). So we'll see.

[Batya33]

" is that it seemed like he never allowed her to make any choices. HE decided where she would live, HE decided what they would do on weekends (the exact same thing every single weekend), HE chose the restaurant (again, same restaurant every time), HE even told her how to drive! I asked her one time if she ever got to suggest weekend plans or a restaurant and she looked down at the floor and said no, he liked to choose and she really didn't mind."

 

If that isn't negative input about your friend's boyfriend (and about her character/choices)I don't know what is. Different if you said "it sounds like you enjoy the dynamic you two have" as a way for her then to open up to you if she does not.

 

Thanks for clarifying your attitude -I can relate when someone is unattractive on the inside so it's tempting to critique his looks too. It just was telling that the first thing you focused on was comparing their looks.

 

It's not your business really why she is with him as long as there is no physical abuse -sounds like she likes the controlling aspects -let's her be passive and blame her passivity on "my boyfriend said....."

[boltnrun]

I agree it's not my business. However, it IS my business when she chooses to not respond to my request to see her until the day I'm leaving to go back home and then lies that her "schedule" wouldn't allow her to see me. I feel that leaving it until the last possible minute is rude. Also, if she isn't ashamed of that aspect of her relationship with him, why lie? Of course, one might say she's picked up on my feelings about her BF and that's why she lied...but then, she could tell me that she's happy with him and with letting him make all decisions for her and if I don't like it, well too bad! But no, she chose to lie. Plus, she's admitted on other occasions that the only way she was able to meet up with me was to lie to him. That just doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

 

Again, none of my business. But I care about her and of course want her to be happy. I can't see having to lie to one's BF about having tea with a friend would make someone happy, but I'm not her. All I can do is what I've done...let her know I'm a friend and she can contact me when she wants to. I won't ask her to meet up with me when I visit anymore because I suspect it makes her feel bad to "have" to say no and make up an excuse. And I'm not wanting to make her feel bad.

[Batya33]

Her rude behavior doesn't make her relationship your business -if her boyfriend says something directly rude to you then you can tell him that what he said is rude. If she behaves unreliably or disrespectfully who cares if it's because she would rather pair her socks or let her boyfriend control her? I like your approach -just tell her that if she wants to get together to give you whatever advance notice you need and you will do your best to have free time for her when you visit. Keep it between the two of you, try not to indulge in speculating about her motives or her relationship.

 

You don't need to ask her to meet up with you as long as she knows she can get in touch with you to find out when you'll be in town next. Don't get passive aggressive either. Resist the urge to teach her a lesson or show her the consequences of choosing this relationship. You'll lose her as a friend. Also take care of you which you can do without meddling in her affairs and deciding what is best for her.

[boltnrun]

It hurt my feelings that she would rather make up a lie to get out of seeing me just to appease her BF than meet up with me when I traveled 300 miles and had really hoped to see her. Especially since she claims to care for me so much, and especially since other friends made time for me (even one friend who only had an hour, but made sure he saw me during that hour). However, she obviously values her relationship with him more than anything else. Yeah, I'm hurt.

 

However, the last thing she needs is someone else trying to influence her and trying to make decisions for her. I'm not going to be that person. She knows how to get ahold of me if she needs to. I can only hope she's happy, regardless of what or with whom she finds happiness.

[Batya33]

So then you say "it sounds like this is not a scheduling issue and I feel disappointed that you could not make time to see me when I am in town so rarely".

 

And realize you're making a lot of assumptions about why she did not meet with you.

[boltnrun]

Um, I never said I planned to say that. Not sure where you got that.

 

What I DID say to her is that I am available to her whenever she wants to call, text, email, whatever.

[quirky]

This sounds like a very unhealthy and abusive relationship. Well done for not interfering! I wouldn't be able to rest until I got my friend away from that jerk. It's very tricky. Because you know in your gut this relationship doesn't sound right but she will not realise it until she is ready. There is insecurity underlining this both from her and the boyfriend's end. You can focus on your own issue with her, the last minute reply and sceduling. Perhaps also you can encourage her to open up a little about the relationship by asking the right questions.

[boltnrun]

So, turns out she's moved into his parents' home (he lives there too). So the "scheduling" issues she mentioned were due to her now being responsible for taking his non-driving parents on errands and helping around the house. She does have to earn her keep so to speak, so she isn't free to make plans that interfere with running them to their errands & her share of the household chores.

 

She said they plan to marry. I think she would like for me to be happy for her.

 

I will miss her, but since we now live in different states it's not like we could've hung out or anything.

[Batya33]

Um, I never said I planned to say that. Not sure where you got that.

 

What I DID say to her is that I am available to her whenever she wants to call, text, email, whatever.

 

I wrote a suggestion of what you should say, not what I thought you said.

 

I'm glad you clarified why her new responsibilities do not allow her to make plans freely.