My boyfriend accuses me of stuff I don't do...

[Lovelavie]

So I've been with my boyfriend for a little less then 4 months and I started a relationship with him right after I ended another one. I chose to be with him, however on the first three weeks I was a little confused about what I wanted and didn't know if I wanted to be single or not. As time went by, I started falling for him and decided to be in a relationship with him.

 

Ever since the beginning he showed me he wanted something serious with me and he did (and does) everything for me. I cannot complain about it, if I ask for it, he does. He pays for everything (not that it's a deal breaker) but it's a sweet thing he does. He treats me really well, and I can't complain about that part of our relationship. However, in the very beginning I used to talk to guys, not dirty talking or anything... just having casual conversations. He later found these messages on my phone, which I never deleted because I knew there was nothing wrong with them, and he went crazy about one in specific. He misinterpreted the message and went crazy about it, until I read the message and told him he was crazy and it was all in his head. Then yesterday, he took my phone and saw a message on Instagram from a guy that met me on Tinder. I told him I had Tinder to have fun with my friends right in the beggining, when we were just hooking up, and I never took it seriously and later on deleted it out of respect for him. I have also stopped talking to guys, even guys that I considered friends because he thinks that all of them want to hook up with me. I cut contact with everyone he could possibly be jealous of and then he sees this message from weeks ago and gives me the cold shoulder the whole day.

 

Fine. I knew I had done nothing wrong, I've had two previous relationships and never cheated or did anything wrong, and here I am with a guy who searches stuff on my phone to try to acuse me of something I know I have done no wrong! Also, I saw that his ex added him on FB and he accepted it, I got kind of upset and told him about it and instead of apologizing or something he just went like: oh but it doesn't even come close to the stuff you've done, you have no idea how much you have hurt me so you have no right to upset about this! And it's like this with everything. Everything I do, I admit it, and sometimes apologize, and everything he does he tries to change the game and make it look like it's my fault instead of fixing it.

 

So now, both of us are really upset at each other, because of the things he THINKS that I am. A cheater, a liar. Which I know I'm not. For these past months he has been my life and everything I do is for him, and the same thing goes for him, so I believe that he likes me and that he wouldn't cheat... but he keeps finding reasons to incriminate me.

 

I really like him and I'm very much in love... I'd hate to lose him for all the good things we have, but no matter what I do, he just doesn't believe the person I am and keeps thinking I'm going to hurt him, when it's the last thing I'll ever do.

 

I'm hurting and to be true, I'm afraid he'll break up with me... He used to care so much, but now it doesn't seem like he doesn't care that much. I've always been the kind of girl who doesn't give up and goes after the guy... I'm tired of that, I just wanted a normal peaceful relationship with the guy I love.

[mhowe]

It would appear that your use of Tinder and the rest of the planets is not the same...and he doesn't find that believable.

[haliescharlie]

I suspect you're a relationship hopper. You said you just ended a previous relationship and then jumped straight into dating with your current bf. The time to heal and create distance from your previous relationship is impeded by this new one you started forming with him. So I say this because your current bf is probably going crazy, thinking that you'll fancy someone else (like you did to him with your most recent ex) and then leave him for that someone.

 

It's not cheating; relationship hopping. But it does create a bad impression with your new relationship. He most likely thinks you'll do the same thing to him, since you've done it do your ex. Btw, how did you get in a relationship so fast with your current bf? That was amazingly fast after you ended it with your ex. You must have fancied your current bf while you were with your ex at the time. Hence, maybe why you ended it. That's a scary thought.

[notalady]

You both have terrible communication skills.

 

He tells you of his concerns and you tell him he's crazy and it's all in his head? How would you feel if he said that to you if you were concerned about something in the relationship? You knew you did "nothing wrong" do you? You are that certain? I think you were wrong to not handle him expressing his worries the right way and basically told him he has no right to feel worried. They are his feelings, it's not up to you to decide if they are valid.

 

How about you tried to tell him to calm down (if he was mad or acting hysterical), explain there is nothing going on and that this was from weeks ago. And you can hardly control who comments on your Instagram can you? And it's just Instagram for God sakes. However you will block the guy if he likes. Then remind him that if he doesn't trust you, you see no reason for you to continue this relationship.

 

I don't know if he added his ex on FB to "get back at you" and how long ago they had broken up and if they had stayed friends. But his response to you is immature. It's not a t i t for tat situation and if you two see it that way, you shouldn't be in a relationship. relationships are about understanding, communication and resolving issues in a healthy manner.

 

And on the side, do you think it's a big sacrifice you had cut off some of these tinder guys at your bf's request? Because it's not. It's the appropriate thing to do. Sure you became "friends" with some of them, but really, are they really your "friends"? Or just guys waiting for the opportunity to get a shot with you if and when you are single again? The way I see it is you know as well as your bf does that these guys aren't just there for friendship (unless you are 15 and so naive that you don't see it) and he has every right to feel uncomfortable about you keeping them around.

[Lovelavie]

Well, believe it or not, I was using Tinder just for fun. My friends and I would get some good laughs before class started. I know he has a lot of reasons to be suspicious about me.

 

Also, I ended my other relationship because my ex betrayed my trust and I also don't know to this day if he cheated on me, even though everything indicates he did. So I broke up with him since that is not my ideal of a relationship, which should also show my BF that I'm not in a relationship to cheat or lie to someone like my ex did. Also, I already knew him when I was with my ex, but we were only friends... After I broke up we got to know each other better and we just hit it off and got along really well.

 

The thing is, I really like this guy and I would never do anything to hurt him... And the friends I was talking about are friends I've talked to for years, guys I thought were fun people to talk to I cut contact just because he felt uncomfortable with and I respect that... not guys I met on Tinder. I actually never even talked to guys on Tinder... let alone go out with one.

 

Also, I can actually see myself with him, unlike my ex which I couldn't even picture us together... In resume, this guy has become my everything in such a short time that has never happened before. Also, I know myself, I know I would never cheat even if the relationship was horrible, I would break up with the person before even thinking of doing something with anyone else... so it's frustrating for me, to prove to someone like him that I'm not that person he thinks I am, to the point where he wants to break up with me instead of enjoying something that could be so great.

 

I do everything for him, I spend all of my weekends with him, I try to see him during the week when I have some time and all of my plans envolve him, and so does he... so why? Why is it so hard for him to believe me when I'm almost begging and doing everything I possibly can to prove him wrong!

[Hollyj]

You should not have stopped talking to your platonic male friends.

 

Isn't anyone seeing that this guy has serious trust and insecurity issues. You are also allowing him to manipulate and control you.

 

I think its a bit odd you were using Tinder, though.

[notalady]

If you are talking about purely platonic friends whom you've known for years then yes he has no right to ask you to stop being friends with them. He sounds insecure and controlling if that's the case.

 

You may really like the guy but the fact is if he is insecure and controlling, there is nothing you can do to "reassure" him that you are trustworthy, it will never be enough. And I would not continue dating someone like that.

[haliescharlie]

After you quit Tinder, I don't think this guy has any place to doubt your fidelity. I'm not saying you're a cheater or are in the wrong, I was saying he might have doubts because of how quickly you switched from your ex to him. In hindsight, I suggest you should have waited until you got over your previous relationship before getting into a new one. For yourself and him. But that doesn't justify your bf's behavior towards you. He acts very spiteful.

 

If this continues, it would leave you no choice. But using a hookup site for laughs...please stop that. It gives everyone the wrong idea if you're in a relationship.

[Lovelavie]

I understand I have done and said some things that could leave him insecure, however all of that happened right in the beginning and I've done everything to show him that it's him I want to be with. I never cheated on him, even when we weren't serious, I never had intentions with other guys because I knew what I had with him was going to become something bigger.

 

I've stopped talking to the guys because it's not worth the fight. I know they're just friends but I'd rather cut contact with them, then upset my BF...

 

Also, I had just gotten out of a relationship so I wasn't thinking about starting a new one, so me and my friends acted a bit silly... but I never disrespected him or anything.

 

I don't know, I feel like he's throwing away something that could be awesome, because I know I'd never do the things he thinks I would.

[itsallgrand]

4 months you say?! I think it wouldn't hurt to take a step back here. It's all very intense, it sounds like. Emotionally. But not really functional.

It sounds to me like he came on hard n fast with you, and you had your little moments where you felt "this is a bit much" but you didn't set any boundaries. Next thing you know you are smack dab in the middle of a relationship again. And he already doesn't trust you, and there is already fighting left and right. You seem very in each others space very quickly.

 

I think it would be hard for anyone to go from zero (actually unsure if you wanted to be single or with someone) to old couple so quickly. And it's not necessarily the healthiest.

 

At this point, it may be too far gone to call a time out and ask "can we start fresh?". But that's the one positive idea I have here. Date...slowly. Don't let him call the pace, pay for everything, decide everything. Take it a step at a time, and address each thing as it comes up (or disengage right there and then).

 

But if it's too far gone now, or if either one of you can't do that, then I don't see how you can stop this runaway train without a bit of crash and ending. He doesn't trust you. You've got your mind set now on keeping some sort of serious relationship with him. Those two things don't mix well together. I wouldn't wait or try and prove how trustworthy I am...I'd give space...it will sort itself out on its own if you let it.

[Hollyj]

I would never end any of my friendships, due to someone's insecurity. Huge red flag!!!

 

He is very controlling and is already showing you a side of emotional abuse.

 

I think you dodged a bullet. Don't manipulate your life, or allow people to doubt who you are. Ever!

[gone]

You're in for a lot of heartbreak, you're setting yourself up real bad here, but everything you need to know is in your first post, OP. Read this article - keep it in your mind as things unfold. "Judging Boyfriends and True Love" by Chuck Falcon (google it)

[Hollyj]

So, this is the same guy that talks about other girls and his exes all the time.

 

Many problems with this guy!

[Hollyj]

You're in for a lot of heartbreak, you're setting yourself up real bad here, but everything you need to know is in your first post, OP. Read this article - keep it in your mind as things unfold. "Judging Boyfriends and True Love" by Chuck Falcon (google it)

 

Great article!!!

[Limiya]

He knows that if he guilts you enough, you will do what he wants. It's a shame. I know you want to please him, but respect goes both ways.

Him adding his ex on social media is disrespectful to you, however he knows you allow him to if he says the right things.

 

My current boyfriend was not keen on me having male friends when we first got together. I assured him from the beginning they were just friends, and always had been. I also assured him i will not be dropping them either. He has met some of my male friends over time and has calmed down with that now. He knows if he gets insecure about them, he has no proof to argue with. I tell him when i've spoken to them and what we discussed (without him asking me to) just so he feels trust. My male friends respect him so he no longer feels concerned.

It goes both ways for us. I trust him with his friends and he can have female friends if he wants. If he was secretive about his friends, then there would be issues.

 

I think if i was in your position, i would insist on having a discussion about respect, boundaries and friendships. You have made a massive compromise to keep him happy. You ditched your male friends. What has he done? He added his ex and blamed you for it.

It may cause a fight, or argument, but you need to stand your ground on this one. You have to respect yourself here.

Explain he removes his ex from social media because it's disrespectful to you as you ditched your friends at his request. If he argues or refuses, make yourself clear that you won't tolerate this sort of behaviour and disrespect from him, and perhaps it's time to rethink your relationship.

Respect should go both ways.

You should bring the tinder thing up first too, and explain to him there was no ill intentions and it was finished with once things were serious with him. If he wants to get back with his ex, he should tell you right now.

 

Usually the other person will test you and throw a tantrum and shout and scream and kick and call your bluff and even call off the relationship to get you to back down. I've seen it in previous relationships. But once they calm down, they may be more willing to approach you to figure it out.

 

I know i'm rambling but i want you to take back some control here and not give him everything so he calls the shots and you're left with nothing. I think you've compromised enough, and he needs to give you a break now.

Good luck.

[Unreasonable]

This relationship started off shaky from the beginning, given that you didn't give yourself enough time to heal. You don't sound like you have a good foundation, and it's only been 4 months. This should be the the honeymoon phase, instead it sounds highly problematic.

 

Instead of quaking in your boots as if it's oh-so-scary for Mr. Four Month Man to break up with you, and begging and doing everything I possibly can to prove him wrong, you need to turn it around on him.

 

"Look, if we're going to be in a relationship, there has to be trust. I've done everything you asked me to do, even things I'm not comfortable with like cutting off platonic friends. If you can't trust me by now, then I can't be in a relationship with you anymore. Is that what you want?" You need to put the ball into his court, and also make it clear you will not tolerate double standards.

[Lovelavie]

I feel like things went way too fast between us. We became a serious couple really fast and after only two weeks together he said he wanted to be in a serious relationship with me. He says he wanted a girlfriend but could never find the "right girl", so he did everything to be with me and I ended up giving in. However, I also feel insecure about some things. Like, he always makes jokes about other girls to try to irritate me, I learned to brush it off, but some times it builds up and I end up saying things like when I said I almost went out with a guy from Tinder. It wasn't true, but I made that comment so that he could feel a little bit of how I feel every time he makes those "jokes". Things have gotten way better, he used to talk about his exes all the time, so there was an improvement.

 

Also, I found him "hiding" some things from me, which he didn't have to. In a way, I trust him and when I'm with him I don't feel insecure, but sometimes his attitudes turn me into a jealous insecure woman I never was! Honestly, it's really hard to have a conversation with him. He thinks he's always right and he never wants to make up with me, he just wants to be right.

 

I'm confused, I've done everything I possibly can to keep him happy and then he goes and adds his ex on FB, after all the fights, after all the discussions, after I thought we were over the going through each other's phones and going paranoid about it. I thought we were at a new stage where now everything was put behind...

 

Also I know for a fact that he would hate it if I added my ex on FB, and I wouldn't do it because I know he wouldn't like it, but he didn't have that consideration with me. I told him that if he wanted his ex back he shouldn't involve me in this anymore and he said that if he wanted to be with her he would, but he chose to be with me and that it didn't work out once so it's not going to work out again.

 

I'm really upset because right when I thought everything was going in the right direction, this happened... I don't know, I just want a normal peaceful relationship and he keeps acting like a child.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with Holly that he seems controlling and manipulative - especially with you cutting off your friends.

 

After only four months, it's time to jump off this train.

[overthemoon86]

Good lord this relationship sounds so immature and dramatic. You have not said one good thing about your boyfriend. So I am not sure where the issue is. You obviously don't want to be in this relationship, so don't. And it's been 4 months, it really shouldn't be so hard.

[Hollyj]

I don't get what you see in this guy!

 

You make some very convincing points that he is manipulative and controlling, but you don't seem to see it as a BIG problem. Why are you so desperate for this problem-filled, overly dramatic relationship? Is this a pattern for you? Is this the type of person you usually date? A person who has healthy relationship habits would have kicked this guy to the curb, long ago.

 

 

Stop over analyzing and take some action!!!!

[Unreasonable]

This is way to much drama to deal with in a 4 month old relationship! Any length really, but damn, this is supposed to be the HONEYMOON phase. The phase where people are all lovey-dovey, are still on their best behavior, and who's red flags people often ignore because they are blinded by infatuation!

 

Break up already!