weathergirl Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I used to work in a womens clinic as a medical assistant. So I know all about those biopsies and abnormal cells etc. I believe what she said about the biopsies etc. But something seems off about that being the reason to not have sex all this time for 7 months. Having sex is not going to change the diagnosis or biopsies whether good or bad. They do not tell you to abstain from sex for 6 months. They do tell you to abstain for about a week or so after the biopsy to let it heal. Maybe she was just purely worried that sex would cause pain or too scared to have sex. I understand the fear of cancer. But I don't understand why she hasn't been physical other than kissing this whole time Just because of abnormal cells. ^^ +1 Not to mention, there are lots of other ways to be physical/sexual..... other than intercourse. And the fact she didn't feel comfortable sharing this news with you all this time...instead letting you think godonlyknowswhat .... might indicate a larger problem in the relationship other than the no sex. Sorry I am being a downer again... but'it's something to consider IMO when you talk to her. Hope it works out for you though...I truly do. Link to comment
chewy21 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 Sorry I am being a downer again... No you're not. Link to comment
chewy21 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 I used to work in a womens clinic as a medical assistant. So I know all about those biopsies and abnormal cells etc. I believe what she said about the biopsies etc. But something seems off about that being the reason to not have sex all this time for 7 months. Having sex is not going to change the diagnosis or biopsies whether good or bad. They do not tell you to abstain from sex for 6 months. They do tell you to abstain for about a week or so after the biopsy to let it heal. Maybe she was just purely worried that sex would cause pain or too scared to have sex. I understand the fear of cancer. But I don't understand why she hasn't been physical other than kissing this whole time Just because of abnormal cells. As I stated above, the reason she decided not to have sex was because of the strange effects she's noticed since the last biopsy. Remember the whole "if a biopsy needle did this, what would sex do?" Not everyone has the benefit of experience working in a women's clinic and completely understands the process, nor how worrisome news like this should be. I appreciate your other insights, however, and will pass them along to her. Link to comment
chewy21 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 I've also had abnormal cells and a biopsy. It wasn't until later that I understood how common abnormal cells actually are...but until then, I was totally freaked. With her family history, it would be even more unsettling. And yes, the biopsies do cause a discharge because the cervix is healing. And it's a particularly weird one...just fyi! Keep those lines of communication open! Obviously, as a newer relationship, she may keep some cards to her chest...but this is now something that needs to remain in the open. Thing is, she's been having strange discharge since the biopsy. It's been an ongoing thing, not just the expected one(s) while it heals. Hence her fears about what further issues intercourse might cause. And thanks, we have resolved to be more honest and thorough in our communication with one another. Link to comment
missmarple Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 What I don't understand is why you don't do other stuff that doesn't include penetration...or do you? I'm a little confused as to what you've actually been doing these 7 months. Link to comment
zebragirl Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Right, I agree with weather girl and miss Marple. So am I understanding correctly that she's had the discharge since the first biopsy 7 months ago? Or only since this last visit a week ago? If it's been going on 7 months she should have called her Dr and gotten it looked at. It could be a simple bacterial infection that need a round of meds. Doesn't meant it's related to the abnormal cells but either way letting it go for 7 months without asking her Dr seems odd. I understand her concern but she really should ask them instead of worrying so long about it and letting it affects her relationship with you. I hope things do continue to improve and you both keep communication open as you've agreed Link to comment
JA0371 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Im not trying be a downer either.....but my gut just tells me it's more than this issue. JMO Link to comment
testcase Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I agree with others. In 7 months nothing?? How was there not so much passion by the X date something didn't happen. This doesn't seem like a relationship. More like a really close best friendship. Link to comment
WithLove Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I don't agree with everyone. Having these cells in your body makes you think you're gross, and unhealthy, and dirty. Or at least I do. And anyone could feel like that. It's not logical, it just is. I don't know how else to explain it. I do agree, though, that it seems a little strange that nothing sexual has happened; but maybe she doesn't do anything for fear of it leading to intercourse. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I don't agree with everyone. Having these cells in your body makes you think you're gross, and unhealthy, and dirty. Or at least I do. And anyone could feel like that. It's not logical, it just is. I don't know how else to explain it. I do agree, though, that it seems a little strange that nothing sexual has happened; but maybe she doesn't do anything for fear of it leading to intercourse. I agree with your second paragraph ^^....that she may be "so into her head" about this she feels uncomfortable having any physical contact for fear of it leading to intercourse. But for seven months??? Goodness gracious... one would presume she would want this resolved ASAP so she could get on with the business of having sex with her boyfriend! Seven months sounds like an awfully long time to not obtain more definitive answers. That sounds kinda crazy in fact. And as I said before, why hasn't she shared any of this with you before now? And she only shared it now because she feared you were going to leave her. Again, allowing you to go on thinking godonlyknows (i.e. that she doesn't desire you sexually, which must have crossed her mind at some point)... instead of being truthful and honest...for seven months no less. THAT to me indicates a much bigger issue ...and would trouble me more than the no sex. Link to comment
chewy21 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 And she only shared it now because she feared you were going to leave her. No, she brought it up before we had the conversation. I didn't give her any indication that I was threatening to leave. The reason it hasn't been brought up before now was because she was trying to keep it off of her mind in order to feel normal. Having a conversation about discharge in the middle of a conversation about sex doesn't do a lot to make one feel sexy and desirable, and I can understand that. Surely you could too. And considering we had been dating less than a month when it started, it's understandable that she wouldn't want to tell me at that time. And afterward it was something she did her best to ignore. Telling me about it would make it hard to ignore. Aside from that, she put sex and partying aside several years ago to get her act together and focus on school. The only other BF she's had in that time was a LDR, which was sexless (it was strictly an internet thing, from what I understand.) No sex. In a short conversation we had recently on the subject, I suggested that maybe sex for her has never been an affection thing, and she agreed. It was always just sex to feel good physically. In that sense, I almost consider her a virgin, because she doesn't know what sex can be like with someone she loves. Link to comment
WithLove Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I think it's a combination of lots of different things. The abnormal cells, the discharge, the fear of having intercourse, and probably the biggest issue - her having the stigma of being loose when she was younger. And in that case, I think it's a bigger issue that you may not be capable of dealing with on your own, OP. It seems like she went from lots to none, and doesn't know how to find a happy medium because A) she physically doesn't want to be intimate because of the cervical issues, and B) she's fearful of any kind of label that may be put upon her. I don't think her issues are ones you can deal with as a significant other, to be honest. My vote is that for the emotional issues of the "loose" label alone, she might need to consider seeking some outside help. Link to comment
WithLove Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 This further backs up my opinion, to be honest. Link to comment
chewy21 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 Lots of people have expressed concern over the fact that nothing sexual has happened up to this point. You're right, nothing has. And honestly, I'm kind of glad. I don't really enjoy all of the other sexual activity unless it leads to sex. Hand jobs and oral aren't enough alone to enable me to finish, which leaves me frustrated and having to take care of myself anyway. Not that those things aren't nice, but they're much MUCH nicer when they're leading up to intercourse. So I can appreciate the decision to keep from leading me on in that regard. If she'd been doing those things all along, I would have expected sex sooner, and it would have accelerated the entire situation. That's the opposite of what she was going for, because she wanted to try and keep it under control until everything could be normal and we simply started having sex. Link to comment
chewy21 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 This further backs up my opinion, to be honest. I'm not too keen on the professional help if it isn't needed. We've talked about sex a few times since the conversation yesterday. She almost seems freed, willing to joke and make suggestive comments now. I think her finally being able to tell me yesterday meant more to her than she thought it would. From what I can tell, she's really looking forward to having sex with me. By the way, Withlove and shootingstar, I told her about the conversation you guys had about your similar experiences with abnormal cells, and it did make her feel better. Thank you for that. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 This all makes sense chewy..thanks for clarifying. Gotta admit...while assuming she's "just not into you" may be the logical assumption... as you indicated above, there could be, and in your case probably is, something much deeper going on within her psyche that is preventing her from wanting to be physical/sexual with you. Therapy would help I think.... Link to comment
WithLove Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I'm not too keen on the professional help if it isn't needed. We've talked about sex a few times since the conversation yesterday. She almost seems freed, willing to joke and make suggestive comments now. I think her finally being able to tell me yesterday meant more to her than she thought it would. From what I can tell, she's really looking forward to having sex with me. By the way, Withlove and shootingstar, I told her about the conversation you guys had about your similar experiences with abnormal cells, and it did make her feel better. Thank you for that. I'm glad it seems like she's doing better. From what you've said, she sounds like she'll be okay. I'm also glad that our stories helped her feel better. When it comes to a situation like this, people need to know that they aren't alone. I wish her good health and lots of sex in the future with you! Link to comment
weathergirl Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I'm not too keen on the professional help if it isn't needed. We've talked about sex a few times since the conversation yesterday. She almost seems freed, willing to joke and make suggestive comments now. I think her finally being able to tell me yesterday meant more to her than she thought it would. From what I can tell, she's really looking forward to having sex with me. By the way, Withlove and shootingstar, I told her about the conversation you guys had about your similar experiences with abnormal cells, and it did make her feel better. Thank you for that. Excellent! Hopefully, talking about all this will bring you closer!! In fact, it sounds like it already has! Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Chewy, Time to sit down and talk to her again. This time about openness in a relationship. This all could have been avoided with a few words from her. It didn't need be graphic of include all the details but a simple conversation letting you know what was going on and how she was feeling about it would have done wonders. Anytime a woman hears "we found some abnormal cells" it freaks them out and rightfully so. Keeping it a secret from the man you love is probably not the best move though. I hope everything works out for the best for her and the relationship and she works you over so much you walk funny but please heed the warnings of some of the ladies here that there is more going on here than just a scary lab result. Keep your eyes wide open to red flags is all we are saying. Good luck Lost Link to comment
Gadwall Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 In a short conversation we had recently on the subject, I suggested that maybe sex for her has never been an affection thing, and she agreed. It was always just sex to feel good physically. In that sense, I almost consider her a virgin, because she doesn't know what sex can be like with someone she loves. This is the big issue. Curing the vaginal discharge or eliminating the abnormal cells isn't going to fix this. She lacks the ability to be intimate. The medical issue is a convenient excuse - a very good one. Like others have said, she could have seen a doctor or suggested foreplay. But she doesn't want to. It's not a priority to her. Pay attention. Actions, speak louder than words. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 This is the big issue. Curing the vaginal discharge or eliminating the abnormal cells isn't going to fix this. She lacks the ability to be intimate. The medical issue is a convenient excuse - a very good one. Like others have said, she could have seen a doctor or suggested foreplay. But she doesn't want to. It's not a priority to her. Pay attention. Actions, speak louder than words. >>she lacks the ability to be intimate Wow...what an astute observation! Which may be closer to the truth than anything said prior. There are many people like this...the fear of intimacy often encompasses both physical and emotional, or one or the other. From what I have read about it, people like this are uncomfortable with the vulnerability they experience having sex within the context of a "loving" relationship. They have no problem having casual sex with people they have no feelings for...but with someone they feel close to and having tender feelings for? Can't do it...they are unable to "let go" and become vulnerable "making love" with that person. I actually knew a woman like this many years ago...and she explained to me that whenever she had sex with her boyfriend, which she did more out of obligation rather than desire, she felt literally embarrassed! I didn't understand at the time, but when I started reading about it, I discovered why. She was literally afraid of, and uncomfortable with, the vulnerability associated with "making love" as opposed to simply having casual sex with someone you have no feelings for. Something to consider anyway... Link to comment
testcase Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I don't know. Personally, as a man also in my 30's, I just wouldn't wait 7 months to have sex. That's a red flag to me... and probably the biggest one you can wave. You can hang around and try to decode this issue. It seems like you're getting to the bottom of it. But for it to have taken 7 months already I'd say you're very patient! I hope the physically connection you eventually have is as good as the emotional one you currently have! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 1. I agree with Toni, that she should hold off on sex until she feels confident in her ability to choose a man. 2. So, what is she doing with you, on a daily basis? There was a time when I was in a sex less dating relationship. We saw each other once every two weeks, and never for sleep overs. That went on for half a year. The blend of intimacy in your RL is out of balance. Does she have a history of trauma, particularly physical trauma? Link to comment
Gadwall Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 >>she lacks the ability to be intimate From what I have read about it, people like this are uncomfortable with the vulnerability they experience having sex within the context of a "loving" relationship. They have no problem having casual sex with people they have no feelings for...but with someone they feel close to and having tender feelings for? Can't do it...they are unable to "let go" and become vulnerable "making love" with that person. ... Well said. Lack of infancy is both emotional and physical. Physical lack of intimacy, being the obvious sexless component of this problem. But there is also an Emotional lack of intimacy as well, and it is the part where she is afraid to express herself. She would never have started this type of conversation on her own. She only became vulnerable because you forced the issue. Her back was against the wall. If you had never brought it up, it would never have been brought up. Unfortunately, you probably are perceiving this recent exchange as somewhat of a breakthrough. A sort of new emotional bridge that has been created in the relationship. The reality is that she was hiding a major issue from you. That she was unwilling or unable to share for a long time. Too long. This is not how relationships should work. You should have heard about this problem in week 3. It should have been something that she would have voluntarily told to you. Chewy stated that her previous long distance relationship she was in was also sexless. This isn't a coincidence. This is her comfort zone. This is the kind of relationship she is drawn to. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Well, gosh, she was in a situation where she was going to be homeless, and you welcomed her in your apartment. You've been dating for 7 months already. What else do you need to do to prove that you are "serious" about her? I mean, no one has a crystal ball and no one can know if you guys will be together 5, 10, 20 years from now.... but I think that holding back on this is really going to damage your relationship. Ahhh. . great point. She gets to rewrite the rules and you say you will respect her needs? Where's the respect for yours? Link to comment
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