Lack of Sex - 7 mo. together

[chewy21]

Toni and I have been dating for around seven to eight months. I've posted two or three other threads here that pertain to her.

 

Things have been really good lately. We spend a lot of time together, kiss, smile, generally make each other happy. I love her to pieces, and she loves me.

 

The only thing that's been missing: sex. And it's become more of an issue recently.

 

Almost two weeks ago, Toni moved in with me. It was more necessity than mutual decision, though. She's moving to a new apartment in town this month, and they pushed back her move-in date due to some late paperwork from the property managers at her previous place. So instead of her being homeless for two weeks, I welcomed her to stay with me, and she accepted.

 

It's been really nice having her here for the most part. I'm a cuddler, so I love waking up next to her and kissing her first thing each morning. And since our tentative plan is to move in together once my lease is up here (in June), this has been a nice trial run. It's good to know I can live with her.

 

So having her in bed with me every night has made the sex thing more of an issue. It's by no means the first time we've slept in the same bed together, as we've done that many times before. And I actually brought up sex one night a couple months ago, because I wasn't sure where she stood on it. Honestly, I was getting worried she wasn't attracted to me and I wanted to make sure I wasn't dating an asexual or anything. She said no, that she'd had sex with a lot of people back in her late high school / early college years. I was relieved. She didn't want to tell me before because she was kind of ashamed of it. I told her I'd never be ashamed of her for that, because that's just experience. That seemed to make her feel better.

 

When i asked why the sudden change from "sex all the time" to "no sex ever", she said that after several failed attempts at relationships, she wants to wait until she knows she has a future with someone before she has sex again. I respected that, and told her I'd be here when she's ready.

 

Turns out, my body didn't agree. From what she's told me, I'm prone to "dry hump" her in my sleep. She said she doesn't really mind, that it just wakes her up for a minute and she gets me to stop. But for me, it's embarrassing and makes me feel horrible, because it's happened to me once before- back when I was with Jessica, my ex-fiancee, whose breakup led to me joining this site. With Jess, it started shortly after we cut back on sex immensely. We had gone from 4-7 times a week to maybe twice a month. I've always had a strong sex drive (even for a guy), especially when I'm with someone I care about and who I feel comfortable with. So I'm guessing that's what's going on with Toni, too. It just feels like it's time, physically and subconsciously.

 

This all kind of came to a head last night. I woke up to Toni's foot in my crotch, pushing me, and causing a lot of pain. I woke up and said "baby, your foot! Ow!" She rolled over, said "omygod!" and started apologizing. I asked why she kicked me, and she said "you were kinda groping me and stuff, so I just meant to push you back from the hip, I didn't mean to kick you in the junk." Immediately I felt like I deserved it for groping her in my sleep, so I told her it was okay. She still felt really bad, but so did I.

 

Another aspect to this is a holdover from my previous thread. I've been feeling a little used lately. I do a lot for Toni. I helped her move all of her stuff (and I'll have to do it all over again on the sixth when she moves out), I rub her feet and back every night, I rearranged my living space to accommodate her, I feed her about half the time, and any time she's already in bed and needs something, I'll be the one to get up and go get it. I don't really mind, because I like seeing her happy. But what gets me is when I look at it from an outside perspective: "Here's this guy, doing everything he can to please this girl, and what's he getting for it? Nothing!" I feel like if anybody knew, they'd either laugh at me or pity me, and I hate that feeling.

 

At the same time, I don't want to rush her into having sex, because that could fester into resentment. And I don't want to just stop doing things for her suddenly. But I would like the dry humping at night to stop, and I know it would if we started having sex.

 

The temporary solution I came up with last night is that I'll start masturbating every night before bed in an attempt to stop the groping and dry humping, until she's ready to start having sex. In the mean time, I'm also going to stop rubbing her feet and back every night. For me, those things are intimate contact which build toward sex, and if there's no chance of that happening, I'd rather not pour fuel on the fire. I'm worried about this solution, though, as I could easily see it fostering resentment in me toward her, and I don't want that either.

 

I just hope this doesn't end up being a sexless (or VERY low-sex) relationship. I love her, but I have needs, and I want to fulfill those needs with her.

 

Opinions are welcome, as always. Thanks for reading.

[BigKK]

I have a few thoughts...

 

I may sound harsh, but I wouldn't be hanging around after 7 months with just a hope that maybe I'll have somewhat of a sex life with her.

 

 

It'd tone it down with doing everything for her, it's going to lead to resentment.

 

Essentially I'd be re-thinking if this is truly working for me. Is it possible you're just chugging along in this relationship since it's better than being alone?

 

You didn't mention any good parts of being in a relationship with her.

[patterned]

This isn't working for you. This is not what you are looking for. You're focused on pleasing her, but there are things you need from a relationship that you are not getting. You need someone closer to your level.

[LKDag]

Resentment and the intentional or unintentional negativity that it causes is definitely something to be cautious of. I'm not saying you need to leave her, because you obviously care for her, but that can really damage your relationship.

 

My ex was very similar, in that she had s very low sex drive and sex was unimportant to her. We lived in different cities, so we only saw each other on weekends and maybe a midweek day every other week or so. Every night we went to bed and she got under the covers to go to sleep (she was kind of OCD and would only have sex on, not under, the covers), I knew I had no chance, I'd get frustrated, and would roll over and go to bed annoyed. But, I loved her, didn't want to upset her, whatever, so I never really said anything. It's hard to completely negate how you're feeling subconsciously though, and the lack of sex, combined with other things that were frustrating and making me angry started manifesting as me not caring as much about spending time together, or me not being as interested in doing things, and that all played a part in her breaking up with me.

 

So, long story short, don't hold anything in. Maybe nothing will change, but bring it up and don't let it fester inside you.

[annie24]

When i asked why the sudden change from "sex all the time" to "no sex ever", she said that after several failed attempts at relationships, she wants to wait until she knows she has a future with someone before she has sex again. I respected that, and told her I'd be here when she's ready.

 

Well, gosh, she was in a situation where she was going to be homeless, and you welcomed her in your apartment. You've been dating for 7 months already. What else do you need to do to prove that you are "serious" about her? I mean, no one has a crystal ball and no one can know if you guys will be together 5, 10, 20 years from now.... but I think that holding back on this is really going to damage your relationship.

[chewy21]

I have a few thoughts...

 

I may sound harsh, but I wouldn't be hanging around after 7 months with just a hope that maybe I'll have somewhat of a sex life with her.

 

 

It'd tone it down with doing everything for her, it's going to lead to resentment.

 

Essentially I'd be re-thinking if this is truly working for me. Is it possible you're just chugging along in this relationship since it's better than being alone?

 

You didn't mention any good parts of being in a relationship with her.

 

Thanks for the post. I appreciate you being blunt, and it was by no means harsh.

 

I didn't mention any of the good aspects because I've pretty much covered them in my previous threads. Obviously, I can't expect everyone to have read them, so I'll gush about her a little here.

 

She's really smart, which is a necessity for me. She's physically gorgeous. We share a weird sense of humor, and we both play video games as our primary hobby, meaning we're passionate about the same nerdy stuff. She's ideal for me in almost every way aside from the sex thing (which admittedly is a big deal to me).

 

I've kinda gotten to that point, rethinking whether this works for me, since I feel like I give and give and make an effort to please her, while I don't get the impression that she's making a similar effort. It's just tough to toss the whole thing in the bin over one issue, you know? I feel like I'd immediately regret it and want things to go back the way they were when I had my awesome, hot, nerdy girlfriend.

 

Thanks again, man. I'll give it some thought.

[chewy21]

This isn't working for you. This is not what you are looking for. You're focused on pleasing her, but there are things you need from a relationship that you are not getting. You need someone closer to your level.

 

As I said above, this is kinda where my thinking has headed. Just tough to throw out the baby with the bathwater.

 

Thanks for the post.

[chewy21]

Thanks LK. Having a conversation about it isn't something I've seriously considered, honestly. I assumed any way it went would suck. Either she'd capitulate and have sex with me, which would make me feel guilty and possibly cause her to resent me, or nothing would change. But hearing how your similar situation turned out, I'm going to seriously consider bringing it up just to see where it goes. It'd be better than just letting it all die and fizzle out in my opinion. At least I'd go down fighting.

 

Good advice. Thanks again for your post.

[chewy21]

Well, gosh, she was in a situation where she was going to be homeless, and you welcomed her in your apartment. You've been dating for 7 months already. What else do you need to do to prove that you are "serious" about her? I mean, no one has a crystal ball and no one can know if you guys will be together 5, 10, 20 years from now.... but I think that holding back on this is really going to damage your relationship.

 

I'm glad you picked up on that, because that's another part of this that's been bugging me. I just forgot to include it in the OP.

 

Aside from the stress and confusion over the lack of sex, I'm also wondering if she sees a future with me, going by her own metric. Every day that passes without sex is another day she still isn't sure about me.

 

Obviously, that's a little dramatic, but you know what I mean. It's just a little unsettling to be unsure of what she's really feeling about me.

 

Thanks, Annie. By the way, did ENA change the post thanks function? I can only seem to thank two posts at the moment.

[weathergirl]

I am not her obviously ....but it sounds like she "loves" you, but more like a brother or a good friend. And no woman has the desire to have sex with their brother or friend.

 

It couldn't be a low sex (in general) since she admitted herself she was very sexually active in high school and college. But low sex drive with you? Yes obviously...

 

In your effort to do so much for her, and essentially catering to her every whim, you have transported yourself right into the friendzone. I felt the same way with my ex-fiance...but then when I met my current I couldn't have sex with him enough!

 

She may find you attractive and feels comfy cozy cuddling and all that, but that is not the same thing as being "attracted to" you. If she were "attracted to" you, she'd have the desire to have sex with you, plain and simple.

[JA0371]

Ok first of all...stop sleeping with her. Period. She can sleeping another bed or room.

 

It sounds to ME like she isn't all that into you, and sorta taking advantage of your feelings and kindness. After seven months of dating, a woman KNOWS if she wants sex with you or not. Im just not buying that she wants to wait. If she's not feeling it now......she's likely not going to. JMO...

[CraigHowes]

What you've done is set up and expectation that is unmanageable and unreasonable. Yes your being lovely by doing all these nice things for her. Have you always been this way? Very giving? If your too much of a push over and agree with everything to not rock the boat then she will start to lose respect for you.

 

Women need to be stimulated and challenged outside of the bedroom to get them going. She knows she doesn't have to do anything or give you any sort of sexual contact and you'll still be this nice guy to her. There is no incentive for her to have sex with you.

 

It's time to rock the boat and there is nothing wrong with raising your concerns in a relationship it's healthy and relationships take work things just don't fix themselves.

 

In terms to her she likes you yes because you are different from all these people she's slept with however her expectations are so beyond anything healthy and reasonable. You are living together therefore you are serious plus as a man we need and crave sex. You shouldn't have to masterbate to dull your desires.

 

Currently you aren't in a relationship your roommates that sleep in the same bed. She should at least be willing to compromise and explore sexual contact even if it isn't the full act.

 

This needs resolving now before you move in for good and find out you are completely incompatible sexually. It's time to have a heart to heart with her.

[chewy21]

I am not her obviously ....but it sounds like she "loves" you, but more like a brother or a good friend. And no woman has the desire to have sex with their brother or friend.

 

Inbreeding. FWB.

 

It couldn't be a low sex (in general) since she admitted herself she was very sexually active in high school and college. But low sex drive with you? Yes obviously...

 

Or it could be that things have changed for her since then. But that wouldn't be my fault, so it doesn't fit.

 

In your effort to do so much for her, and essentially catering to her every whim, you have transported yourself right into the friendzone.

 

There it is. I did this to myself. How? By being too nice. I'll work on being more unpleasant.

 

She may find you attractive but that is not the same thing as being "attracted to" you. If she were "attracted to" you, she'd have the desire to have sex with you, plain and simple.

 

So you have sex with every guy you're attracted to, and there are no other external variables in that decision? Nothing emotional, no signals from said handsome man, nothing from your past that informs your decision making? Lucky you. I hope you have a good doctor who's as loose with the antibiotics as you are with your... well, you know.

 

I remember you from my other thread, and assumed you'd be back to spout gloom and doom in hopes of making yourself right before. Or maybe this is simply your character, to blame the (male) poster when they don't take the easy road. I'm sure that makes it harder to make those blanket statements. Either way, I've got no time for that.

 

But thanks for posting anyway.

 

P.S. - Was I too nice there?

[chewy21]

Ok first of all...stop sleeping with her. Period. She can sleeping another bed or room.

 

It sounds to ME like she isn't all that into you, and sorta taking advantage of your feelings and kindness. After seven months of dating, a woman KNOWS if she wants sex with you or not. Im just not buying that she wants to wait. If she's not feeling it now......she's likely not going to. JMO...

 

Thanks for the post.

 

Sadly, no, she can't sleep in another room because there isn't another unoccupied room. Most of her stuff has cluttered my bedroom, so there's no space on the floor either. We have a couch, but it's not really fit for sleeping, and I have a job I have to be alert for.

 

I appreciate your opinion, and thanks again for the post.

[lostandhurt]

I can totally see how you are getting resentful and frustrated after 7 months of being a great guy.

 

I also don't think you rub her feet so she will have sex with you but it is nice to get something back. That could be rubbing your shoulders or making your favorite dish for dinner.

Intimacy in a relationship is very important and it sounds like there is almost zero intimacy here. That is not good at all.

 

From reading your words I think you two are compatible as friends but not as bf/gf type of relationship. You don't even know if you are compatible in bed after 7 months.

 

You really need to sit down with her and ask her what is it about you after 7 months that makes her think you are not relationship material. Seriously by now she should know one way or another. What ever you do don't get rid of your place and move in with her until this is all worked out.

 

It sucks to have such a great connection with someone only to have one thing mess it all up. Unfortunately the one thing is pretty important.

 

Lost

[chewy21]

Agreed, and thanks for the wonderful post. I started this thread to get opinions. I'm very self-conscious about acting on my sexual urges simply because there are so many guys who are interested in ONLY sex, and I strive to set myself apart from them. Still, it's hard to tell when I'm being unreasonable with my expectations, so the opinions help set me straight.

 

Yes, I've always been a nice guy, willing to do what I can for the people I care about. I do challenge her, though, and she comes to me for advice and my opinion on lots of different topics. If she's being ridiculous, childish, or unreasonable, I'll let her know, even if it upsets her. I'm not sure if this is the kind of challenge you were talking about, but that's what we do.

 

Thanks again, it's really appreciated.

[JA0371]

Chewy...not sure why you're being defensive, but as a woman, I am giving you a woman's perspective.....as have others. We would be doing a great disservice to say it sounds like this girl sounds like she's into you, when she clearly isn't. Yes, there are many many variables, but at the end of the day, what it comes down to is that this woman is NOT into you to the extent you want her to be. It doesn't make her a bad person in any way, it simply means it's just not there for her. Chemistry...especially sexual chemistry cannot be fabricated or it doesn't usually take a whole lot of time to kow if it's there. It simply doesn't sound like it's there for her.

[chewy21]

Thanks, lost. I've had the same thoughts myself, along the lines of "what would be different here if we were just friends?"

 

Well, we probably wouldn't kiss or sleep in the same bed, or say I love you. And I doubt she'd come to my family's place for the holidays anymore. And I dunno. I don't think we'd hang out as much, honestly. The companionship is something I'd definitely miss.

 

We definitely need to talk, though. Thanks again, lost. It's nice to hear I'm not being unreasonable with my expectations.

[chewy21]

Chewy...not sure why you're being defensive, but as a woman, I am giving you a woman's perspective.....as have others. We would be doing a great disservice to say it sounds like this girl sounds like she's into you, when she clearly isn't. Yes, there are many many variables, but at the end of the day, what it comes down to is that this woman is NOT into you to the extent you want her to be. It doesn't make her a bad person in any way, it simply means it's just not there for her. Chemistry...especially sexual chemistry cannot be fabricated or it doesn't usually take a whole lot of time to kow if it's there. It simply doesn't sound like it's there for her.

 

Oh no, I didn't mean to get defensive with you at all. I appreciated your post and the thought of possibly not sleeping together. It's a good idea, just sadly not feasible right now.

 

Apologies if I came off as anything other than grateful; I assure you it wasn't intentional.

[LKDag]

Thanks LK. Having a conversation about it isn't something I've seriously considered, honestly. I assumed any way it went would suck. Either she'd capitulate and have sex with me, which would make me feel guilty and possibly cause her to resent me, or nothing would change. But hearing how your similar situation turned out, I'm going to seriously consider bringing it up just to see where it goes. It'd be better than just letting it all die and fizzle out in my opinion. At least I'd go down fighting.

 

That's very true too, and I can remember it happening to me at least once- I thought it'd be nice to have morning sex for a change, bothered her and she eventually agreed, but when the foreplay started, I realized she was not interested at all and was basically just going along with it because I pressured her, I had to stop and felt like a horrible human being.

 

Bringing something up like this is tough. On one hand, you go through what you're going through now and you feel like garbage. If you do bring it up, you feel like a perverted sex maniac that only wants her for her body, then you feel bad for making her feel bad about her attitude towards sex, and then you feel worse than you did before you said anything and wish you hadn't- despite the fact it was causing you problems in the first place!

 

Imagine yourself six months, a year, two years, five years, dealing with this same situation. It's better to bite the bullet and work to some kind of resolution now, rather than be unhappy but ignore your unhappiness for her sake. Like you said, if the ship is going down (and I hope not), it's better to fight than to go down with no resistance. How you bring it up, and what exactly you say is obviously important, since this is a tricky, delicate subject. You have to be very mindful of how she might feel about everything, since it is her body and sex is a very psychologically...whatever thing, but at the same time, you shouldn't put your own feelings to the side to cater to her, to make sure she is happy and comfortable. A relationship takes two people to balance, and it's not healthy for one person to carry an unproportionate amount of the weight, no matter how well intentioned you are about carrying it (lol, I should know).

[tattoobunnie]

All the commonalities, common interests, shared interests, kindness that you may have for eachother, does not equal getting your freak on.

 

Sex is glue to any relationship, and you just need to find someone who wants to make it a priority, and trust me, they are OUT THERE! I know you love her, but I don't see how this will get any better. It's not like all of the sudden, you turn on a switch, and she wants to bang you every night.

 

Crap, and then add on work stress, kids, kids, kids, life...staying with her is a guarantee that you will only have sex every few months instead.

 

It's she's got a descent sized libido, she would be banging you right about now. No woman who wants sex on the regular holds out for this long.

 

Another way to turn to tide, yup, you need to not sleep in the same bed...will send the message home. Sleep on the coach.

[tattoobunnie]

Good movie here: "link removed" - relevant to the story. They kiss, sleep in the same bed, he rubs her back and feet all the time, say "I love you," and she most definitely isn't getting it on with him.

[weathergirl]

The majority of the posters essentially said the same thing I did (in different words)...she is not into you - views you more as a friend - yet I am the only one you chose to rant on.

 

Interesting...but whatevs..I'll just stay out of your threads from now on.

 

Good luck!!

[chewy21]

I know you're right. I've had relationships where the sex was great, the frequency was great, but nothing else surrounding it was worth writing home about.

 

Here it's the opposite: Everything but the sex is wonderful. We're compatible, connected, and we care about each other. All that makes me want her even more. But deciding what's more important is the tough part. Obviously I want to say that if sex is the only problem, it shouldn't matter. Unfortunately, it does. It matters a lot.

 

Thanks for the post.

[chewy21]

The majority of the posters essentially said the same thing I did (in different words)...she is not into you - views more as a friend - yet I am the only one you chose to rant on.

 

Interesting...but whatevs..I'll just stay out of your threads from now on.

 

Good luck!!

 

None of the other posters made it my fault. None of the other posters have previously expressed a desire to see my relationship fail. That's why I chose to rant on you.

 

In case you don't remember:

 

But if he keeps it up...he will find out soon enough when his girlfriend begins to pull away and/or shows signs of losing interest in him...which she WILL eventually...UNLESS she enjoys being controlled and dominated by a man who thinks he knows what's best for her and what she needs better than she does.

 

If she's NOT that type of girl...no doubt he will be back on this board (perhaps months from now)...asking "what went wrong"???

 

What's interesting is that, according to you, I was too assertive before. And now I'm too nice and passive. It's pretty clear that you're just interested in blaming me, so staying out of threads I start would be appreciated.