K's Dating Journal

[WithLove]

It is s scary thing for me, but my mom can't make it and it's too personal for me to ask Tyler to come. It's not a long procedure, so I'm just going white-knuckle through it alone.

[WithLove]

My procedure had to be rescheduled by doctor's request and the only other time they had available this month was on April 22. I also found out over the weekend that the dress rehearsal for my cousin's wedding (of which I am the MoH) is on Friday, April 17, the day before the wedding, and I am supposed to be at Disneyworld with Tyler until the end of that day. I talked it over with Tyler about him possibly driving me the extra hour to the town the wedding's in, but he declined (nicely) saying that since he's already driving back down two hours for a pre-planned concert while we're on our trip, then back the two hours, then home again another 4, he doesn't want to put the extra wear on his car (disappointing but understandable). So now I'm faced with cutting our trip short and trying to find someone to come get me in Orlando and taking me to the place I need to be for the rehearsal. Also, not only am I going to have to pack for the 4 day trip with Tyler, but must also pack for the wedding weekend at the same time.

 

I'm very overwhelmed with everything in my life right now and I'm close to falling apart. I discussed it briefly with Tyler yesterday and he suggested we cancel our trip and plan it for another time when I'm less stressed.

 

Thing is, this trip is, in my mind, the 'make it or break it' point of our relationship for me. It's my own deadline to see how I feel about him. If at the end of the trip, I don't feel any stronger towards him, I'm going to end it. We'd be almost at the 3 month mark and while it may not seem like a long time, I know he's looking for that 'forever' kind of love, wanting to settle down and get married, and I'm just not at that point, nor do I feel myself gravitating towards it anytime soon. I don't want to waste his time.

[Ms Darcy]

It sounds like a lot of pressure for the trip if it's "make it or break it." I prefer not to put a lot of pressure on a situation, especially when I am feeling overwhelmed. I would agree that cancelling is for the best.

 

Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed, it's best to tackle one thing at a time.

[missmarple]

I also think that the trip is too much pressure under the circumstances.

 

To tell you the truth, I don't know why you don't just break up with him. You're so young, you'll meet tons of single guys who you can have a passionate relationship wih.

[WithLove]

I don't know either. I think I just don't want to let go of someone I know to be a good guy. To him, it will come completely out of left field. He has no idea how I'm feeling. I've never expressed any lingering doubts, just that I don't feel as strongly as he does.

[faraday]

I have no judgement towards if you should keep dating him or not....I think you have to do what feels right for you...but I will say this. There are so many great men out there. Don't stay because someone is a good person, it's not enough reason. If you have other reasons, go with those...but don't use the good guy card....good people are a dime a dozen.

[IAmFCA]

I have no judgement towards if you should keep dating him or not....I think you have to do what feels right for you...but I will say this. There are so many great men out there. Don't stay because someone is a good person, it's not enough reason. If you have other reasons, go with those...but don't use the good guy card....good people are a dime a dozen.

 

This is SO true.

[WithLove]

I don't know what to do. I'm meeting him today after work. I thought - maybe I can explain that I don't feel what I want to feel for him at this point of our relationship. That I want him to be with someone that appreciates him and loves him so much more than I am capable of giving him. I don't feel myself progressing in my feelings for him and I understand what his long terms goals are, and I don't want to hold him back from finding someone to share those goals.

 

Do you think that sounds like a better version of "you're a really good guy but you're not the one for me"?

[missmarple]

I don't know what to do. I'm meeting him today after work. I thought - maybe I can explain that I don't feel what I want to feel for him at this point of our relationship. That I want him to be with someone that appreciates him and loves him so much more than I am capable of giving him. I don't feel myself progressing in my feelings for him and I understand what his long terms goals are, and I don't want to hold him back from finding someone to share those goals.

 

Do you think that sounds like a better version of "you're a really good guy but you're not the one for me"?

 

I think that sounds good.

[WithLove]

He already knows what's up and I haven't even left work yet. Man. I'm starting to cry already. I don't want to do this. I'm dreading it. I don't want to lose him but I don't think he's the right one for me.

[missmarple]

I've felt that way before when I had to end relationships with guys who were great but not right for me. I never regretted it.

[Ms Darcy]

I think that sounds good.

 

I agree. I think it sounds good too.

[WithLove]

I got here and my arguments felt stupid and not even what I really felt. He opened the door and his expression was like I kicked a puppy in front of him. We sat and talked. I talked about how I felt like I was in a different place than he was in this relationship. I said I felt like I may not be the right person in his long term goals. I also said I didn't feel like we were moving at the same speed in terms of where we thought this relationship was going.

 

After talking it over and voicing my concerns, he clarified what he was looking for. He told me a did really care for me and that he was having a lot of fun and even though things like marriage and kids were some long term goals of his, he felt like he was too immature to consider those for at least the next 5 years or so. I told him that I really wanted to feel that spark and wanted it to ignite into a forest fire, and I was afraid I wasn't quite there in terms of passion and connection. He agreed but asked that we still see each other exclusively because he said sometimes things like that take time, and he wanted to have a chance to show me that we could have something great.

 

We did call off the trip to Disney for another time, but didn't discuss a future date.

 

After that, I honestly told him that if that was going to happen, I really needed him to step up in terms of taking more control in the bedroom and mentioned some things I really enjoy that I felt was lacking. And guys - I swear I saw that spark in his eye. And turns out I was right, because later in the evening, we did have sex and it was really good. Better than its been.

 

So, after all that, I feel like I'm just not ready to let this fish swim back yet. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just chicken and don't want to give up someone that cares about me. Either way, I was completely honest about my concerns and what I needed from him. So, we will see where it goes from here.

[faraday]

Hey, you've got reasons other than "he's a good guy" for staying...so stay Have fun, see where it goes

[WithLove]

Thank you I forgot to mention that when I talked about what I needed from him sexually, he shared a little more about his past partners and I guess he'd been with a few women that liked it intense and rough (like me), but his last and most serious relationship was with a gal that literally made him rethink his whole approach to sex, because she was very tiny and anything bordering on rough or even playful 'hurt' her. So he always had to be extra careful and gentle. So, while he prefers some things sexually that I do, he's trying to get back in the mindset that he doesn't have to be delicate with me. So it was good hearing some about why he is the way he is and understanding that he's getting over past issues, too.

[reinventmyself]

this all hits so close to home with me. . not to highjack your journal but I totally relate. . still waffling about my situation, with the greatest guy that I ought to feel more for. One day I think I can and the next I feel I need to end it. This week. . feeling like I need to have that talk. . just like the one you had. Proud of you for doing it! Meanwhile I will continue to waffle, let more time go by making it that much harder.

Watching you and how you handle this. . Hope things work out just the way you want it. .

[WithLove]

Reinvent, every day is a waffle day for me. But after last night, I at least feel like we're in a more honest place. I expected total rejection for admitting that my feelings aren't as intense as his. But instead, he wants to prove to me that we have a chance and that he's worth it. And I feel like if he wants to do that, then I owe it to myself to let him, and let him in.

 

I don't know if that's how it will end up with you. But I can say that I feel better about us, and about being honest with him. People surprise me every day. I went into this wanting him to know that he does deserve to be happy, well-loved, and having a relationship with someone that isn't questioning her feelings for him. And to my surprise, he thinks I'm worth it, and worth waiting to see if those feelings develop.

 

Yes, I'm still questioning how I feel. Yes, at this point in time, I do think I'm too chicken to just cut him out of my life. But I'm willing to give it a little more time, because he deserves a little more time, and maybe I do, too.

[testcase]

this all hits so close to home with me. . not to highjack your journal but I totally relate. . still waffling about my situation, with the greatest guy that I ought to feel more for. One day I think I can and the next I feel I need to end it. This week. . feeling like I need to have that talk. . just like the one you had. Proud of you for doing it! Meanwhile I will continue to waffle, let more time go by making it that much harder.

Watching you and how you handle this. . Hope things work out just the way you want it. .

Haha I'm in the same situation as you two just from the guys side!! I just don't know if the attraction is where it needs to be. Sure attraction can grow and I want to give it more time. I feel like I'm waisting her time. Haha one of us will end things... Or maybe we'll all be 3 years down the road still seeing the same people and talking about it in our journals! Hopefully not still unsure about things.

 

I agree with reinventmyself, withlove. Big props to you for bringing it up!!! I really hope things get better for you. Just remember if they don't the longer we all stay unsure the harder it'll be to end things. You two are probably way ahead of me because you've had open communication about your issues so if you end things they won't come out of the blue. I think in my case the girl I'm seeing knows we have issues and has expected me to leave once or twice already.

[WithLove]

TC, maybe you should think about talking to her. I really do feel so much better having been honest.

[reinventmyself]

Good luck TC

[reinventmyself]

TC, maybe you should think about talking to her. I really do feel so much better having been honest.

 

I can't have this conversation with mine seeing he's already suggested more than once that he senses my feelings aren't reciprocal.

I've been honest and telling him that I am needing to catch up and thinking if he didn't push that I may.

Pointing out the obvious again wouldn't help me.

It's all or nothing at this point.

[faraday]

I don't know what conversation tc can have. "I like you but you don't make my penis hard." Isn't the kind of thing many women would stick around for lol

[notalady]

Unfortunately, I don't think women would take that message as kindly as men in the reverse situation lol... Men generally don't mind (or even like? working for it, I don't think most women do, and if they know you're not that into them, they're probably getting outta there.

[testcase]

Thanks everyone! Ya I don't think she'd take it well. I think if I have a serious talk with her I'm ending things. It's possible that won't happen thought and we'll be in a relationship in a month or two!!!

 

I just think it's funny how all of us are writing journals and we all aren't sure. I guess that's the nature of relationships. I look back at my last SERIOUS relationship about a decade ago and I don't think I ever had any doubts, or questions, about things. But maybe that's just my rose tinted glasses now?? Surely I questioned things then, right?? Maybe we just tend to forget. It certainly doesn't help me that I have the worst memory ever. It probably also doesn't help me that I tend to romanticize all my past relationships...

[reinventmyself]

.. just checkin' in to see how it's going.