K's Dating Journal

[WithLove]

I am in a conundrum!!

 

2 days ago, Tyler asked me to come with him to Disney in April. I was pretty flattered and said yes. It'll be just him and I, for two days.

 

Then last night, he came over to hang out. We cuddled on the couch, watched a movie, then he had to leave for work. As he was leaving and I was closing the door, he blew me a kiss and said "Love ya" as he was walking away.

 

I didn't have any time to react. I didn't respond and he didn't address that he'd said it. We've talked since then and he hasn't made any mention of it, which leads me to believe that maybe he said it out of a sort of reflex and maybe doesn't even remember saying it. I asked a couple male friends, though, and all agreed that he knew he said it, saw it didn't have the impact he wanted, and is waiting to say it again until there's no way for me to dodge it or pretend I didn't hear it.

 

Am I overreacting over this? I like him, but I have no feelings of love right now. It's way too soon for me, we've only been seeing each other for, like, 3 weeks. It doesn't make any sense to me. I don't want to deal with any I Love Yous right now.

 

What do I do?

[testcase]

Ya that whole thing seems to be moving wayyyyy too fast. I mean if he says it again just tell him you're not there yet... But I dunno.

[WithLove]

I mean, he has told me he's glad he met me, and feels more comfortable around me than he has with anyone else in a long time, and always looks forward to seeing me.... I feel the same way too, but maybe not quite to the degree he does yet.....

 

I'm afraid that he'll try to tell me it again, and I'll hurt his feelings by not reciprocating.

[WithLove]

Went out of town over the weekend to visit family - but ended up getting very sick on Friday and it getting progressively worse over the weekend. I spent today outside doing family things in a feverish haze. But I did get Tyler a pin he had said in passing that he wanted (it was only a couple dollars).

 

He surprised me by coming over about an hour after I finished unpacking. I had warned him that I was very sick and didn't plan on seeing him for a few days so I could get better, but he came over anyway with cold water and my favorite movie. We watched it cuddling on the couch, while he made me drink the water to stay hydrated. We didn't kiss (not sure if I'm contagious or not). It was still really great to see him.

 

Then, as he was leaving, he said "love ya" again in the same way. Where I didn't really have the time to respond.

[WithLove]

I asked him about it, since this is the second time it's happened. He told me that it sort of slipped out, since he usually says it to his mother as he's leaving (he calls her to talk on his way to work every day) and after he said it, he realized that he had said it to ME and not to his mother, and decided he liked saying it (thus, saying it twice). He asked me if it bothered me - I told him it was too soon for me, but that I very much enjoy spending time with him and look forward to seeing where we go from here.

 

He's just the sweetest guy. He asked if I wanted him to come over tonight so I had a cuddle buddy and someone to give me a back massage to make me feel better.

[WithLove]

Some things we have talked about recently:

 

I told him that it's important to me to "label" us, because I've had a past relationship where he thought it was okay to meet up with a female coworker since we weren't together "technically". Since then, I need to have set boundaries. He told me he wanted to bring up exclusivity, but was taking it slow since I had told him I wasn't ready to meet his mother and it was too early to say anything relating to the L Word. (I feel like I'm in high school, lol.) I in turn reminded him that he had said he wanted me to meet his mother before we agreed to any sort of arrangement - and so I agreed to go out to dinner with him and his mother next week. We've been seeing each other for a month, a few times a week, so I feel comfortable with this. He also confirmed that he is interested in me romantically and wants a relationship, but again, was slowing down for my benefit.

 

He talked to me a little about past relationships of his (his own admission) and how he felt very taken advantage of by his past girlfriends and friends. He said he always felt bullied almost, because they'd argue and fuss when things didn't go their way, so he would just stay quiet and go with what they wanted. He said he feels taken advantage of by friends too, because he thinks he's too "available" to them and should be more "busy". I explained that in my opinion, it's not about appearing too busy or unavailable - it's about voicing his thoughts when it's not right for him or when he thinks they aren't being friendly. He shouldn't be friends with people that don't respect his opinion. He agreed and wants to start setting more boundaries in regards to how his friends treat him. There really isn't anything I can do (and I don't feel like there's something I should do), so I've just kind of been listening and offering an opinion if he asks for one.

 

Something that bothers me a tiny bit is that he seems very uncomfortable with public affection. He will hold my hand occasionally, but he never initiates a hug or kiss in public. Rarely, he will place a hand on my knee briefly if we're sitting next to each other. I brought it up yesterday, because I'm pretty affection both in public and private, and I wanted to know if I was making him uncomfortable. If I was and it was a big deal, then I could compromise and not be affectionate in public like I usually am. But he again referenced previous relationships where his partners hated any public displays of affection, so he learned not to be. He told me he wanted to relearn how to be comfortable with it and we joked about making plans to go out more often to practice.

 

I am ready for him to sleep overnight at my place, but I'm having a bug problem in my apartment right now (they are coming to spray today, thank god), and I'm so embarrassed about it. Even though I'm pretty good about keeping things picked up, especially food, it makes me feel like I'm living in squalor or something. He had asked me if I was okay with him staying overnight on Tuesday night, but I finally told him how uncomfortable I was with him staying over because of the bugs. He told me I was worrying needlessly, that he'd be my White Knight and kill any he saw (lol) but that he respected my feelings and we'd reschedule until they are taken care of. He really is one of the most thoughtful men.

 

We're still slightly awkward with each other sexually - he's a bigger guy and I'm not slim myself, so we're having some small moments of awkwardness in trying to find good positions that we both enjoy. I feel like we've both experienced the opposite ends of the spectrum in regards to orgasms - he's all about taking his time, making his partner feel good/finish a few times before he's satisfied himself, and I've been more concentrating on it as if it's a race to the finish line. So I think it's more of a "compromise" on my part here, because I'm having to slow myself down and really focus on enjoying it. Not such a bad thing!

 

Previously I have mentioned his best friend, who is female - well, I met her 2 days ago for the first time. We all went out to dinner. I am absolutely sure he has no romantic interest in her (I didn't really before, but this just solidified that) and they are very much like siblings. But he also has told me that getting a place with her this summer (they were going to be roommates) is off the table for him - he doesn't feel like he could stand being her roommate (as awful as that sounds) and is very much looking forward to moving out into his place instead. He was going to be her roommate as a favor to her.

 

It felt good typing all that out.

[notalady]

Sounds like things are going pretty well. His comment about lack of boundaries with his friends matches his behavior on your second date when he took the call from his friend. I hope he can work on his boundary issues.

[WithLove]

Got surprised last night - I didn't see him all weekend, but he surprised me and came over for a little while before work last night. He made my weekend.

 

Tomorrow is the meet up with his mother. I'm not nervous, but am a bit anxious. Parents not liking me is a weird deal-breaker of mine.

[WithLove]

Met his mother. She's a really sweet lady. They are a lot alike - it was funny seeing them together and realizing that his relationship with his mother is nearly identical to the one I have with mine. It went really well. He invited me to go to Disney with him next month - and apparently he and his mother are going again in May, which she invited me along to as well. She offered to pay my ticket - which I thought was pretty incredible. I told her I couldn't accept that that, and I didn't think I'd be able to go anyway (I didn't give a reason).

 

Last week he took a picture of us when we went into a store at the mall. It's just a silly pic - he's wearing some funny glasses and a Captain's hat, and I'm kissing his cheek. But it's so cute and makes me smile looking at it - so I asked him if I could put it on my social media. He asked me to wait until he met my mother too, because he wanted to wait til then to ask me out "officially". Looks like he's obsessed with labels, too! So, he's meeting my mother on Sunday.

 

He brought up the L word again - about how he's waiting because he knows I'm not ready. It made me think - maybe he only solidifies relationships with women that he falls in love with. I mean, I've been in 3 relationships, but one of them, I didn't love the guy - but we were still "boyfriend and girlfriend". Is this no longer a thing?? Do you have to be in love to consider labeling the person you're with as your girlfriend or boyfriend??

 

I'm not in love with him - but I like him a whole lot and I like him more every time I see him. I don't think that love is far off. I just haven't had that moment where I'm looking at him and suddenly think "wow, I love this guy" yet.

[WithLove]

Tyler he's staying over night for the first time. He's bummed because his female friend asked him if he wanted to go to a local brewery for a St. Patrick's Day event they had going on - which he initially agreed to. Then he discovered that she invited the man she's been seeing as well. This is not the first time she invited him to come along as well, despite Tyler telling her he did not want to meet him. So last night, he told me he was firmly against going because he didn't want to drink anyway and he was angry that she keeps inviting her guy along even though he has told her he doesn't want to meet him. It's like she feels entitled to know what's going on in Tyler's personal life and feels he should know what's going on in hers, too. Then this morning, he sent me a long text saying maybe we should go and make an appearance, because he doesn't want to lose her as a friend and thinks she'd start an argument if he doesn't go.

 

I explained that she's taking advantage of his niceness and the fact that he can't say no, and that she's just going to keep on walking all over him. Then he sounded so sad and told me he knows that, but doesn't have a lot of friends and doesn't want to lose her as one. So I told him I'm okay with whatever he wants to do and we can go if that's what he wants. A little later, he said he had put his foot down, told her he didn't want to go, and that he and I can do something else to celebrate today (since he's Irish).

 

I'm glad he stood up for himself, but I don't think there's really anything I can do here. She's his friend, not mine, and it's not my job to point out when his friends are taking advantage of him. I feel like it's sort of juvenile, to be honest, but it's not my place to say anything.

[faraday]

I don't understand why her bringing a date is her taking advantage of him....why doesn't he want to meet the people she's dating?

[mhowe]

I agree...why wouldn't she bring her new guy? Your bf sounds...jealous.

[WithLove]

Sorry, should have been clearer - he doesn't really feel the need to be involved in her dating life, especially because he doesn't like the guy she's seeing (just based on what she has told him, and me). Apparently he's separated, has 3 small children, is involved in a nasty custody battle, and does drugs. Tyler doesn't like him and doesn't want anything to do with him; and he and his friend will make plans to go do something, but at the last minute she'll surprise him with the info that she invited her guy, too. This has happened each time they have made plans to do something since he and I have been together.

 

I think he'd be okay meeting a guy she's dating in general, but just not this guy. He doesn't like him and has told her as much, and that he thinks she deserves better. It's hard because I can see both sides of the coin here - if he was just a friend to me, a very good one, I'd be upset that he wouldn't meet the guy I was dating even if he didn't like him, because we're friends and that's what you do when you care about someone. But then, my own mother wants me to meet the guy she's seeing, and any other time I would, but I don't like him on principle that he's married. So I won't meet him.

[WithLove]

I agree...why wouldn't she bring her new guy? Your bf sounds...jealous.

 

Really? I don't get that sense, at all. I get the sense that they don't share the same "best friend" values. She thinks it involves being immersed in every aspect of each other's life; he doesn't feel that way.

[mhowe]

Well, when you add in the new guys stats --- it makes more sense. And, I also agree that he doesn't want this to turn into double dating nor be immersed in her love life.

[WithLove]

I sort of feel like now that he's with me, and after the first incident we had with her - he has put up the boundaries he said he would - only she doesn't agree with them.

[mhowe]

I think she just wants to include her peeps (your bf) on her dates. She doesn't like the distance. And is trying to force the issue.

[WithLove]

That's how I feel too.

 

In other news, he has made the decision that he does not want to move in with her as a roommate this summer, and instead he's going to try to see what he qualifies for in terms of buying his own property.

 

The way she is - she is very outspoken and strong-willed. The complete opposite of him. So I think in the end, he is going to lose her friendship. It really has nothing to do with her at all, and even less to do with me, but that's not how she is going to take it.

 

I feel bad. But I also think at some point he would have lost her friendship even if I wasn't in the picture.

[Ms Darcy]

Congrats ... things sound positive with this guy. Although, he really needs to slow down with the love stuff. Infatuation more like ... for now.

[notalady]

One of my good friends always bring his gf/date along to our friends gatherings when he's in a relationship. Sometimes it's last minute, sometimes it's at the time of setting up the date, but basically it's safe to assume that if he has a gf, she will come along to all of our events and gatherings. Personally I don't like that dynamic (being joined at the hips), but it's his life and if that's how he operates (involving his gf in all of his social events), then it's his choice and I will accept it. As a friend, I will put up with socialising with his gf in the event that I don't actually like her and keep that opinion to myself, which was the case with one of his ex's. As far as I'm concerned, that is how you stay uninvolved in a friend's relationship. I will give my honest opinion on a particular situation though, if a friend is to express discontent about the person they are dating and ask for my opinion.

 

Don't you think that him expressing his opinion on the guy and refusing to meet with/socialise with him is actually getting involved in her relationship contrary to what he said about not wanting to be involved? Maybe I missed something?

[reinventmyself]

. . something seems off to me.

He hasn't met the guy but has a definite and very strong opinion about him. .(based on her story)

Why not meet him and judge for himself? He's not dating him . .she is.

 

And the timing of not wanting to move in with her all at the same time. Hmmm

 

Forgive me. . I can't roll back without losing what I wrote. . Have you met her?

 

Too many dramatic obstacles at once. . my spidey sense is getting the better of me.

[WithLove]

Don't you think that him expressing his opinion on the guy and refusing to meet with/socialise with him is actually getting involved in her relationship contrary to what he said about not wanting to be involved? Maybe I missed something?

 

That could very well be true. I think perhaps he's just salty about the fact that even when they make plans for just the two of them, she always ends up mentioning that she is bringing her guy along as well. She doesn't seem to be showing the same courtesy to their friendship that he is - in that if a significant other is joining them, it's established ahead of time and planned for.

[notalady]

That could very well be true. I think perhaps he's just salty about the fact that even when they make plans for just the two of them, she always ends up mentioning that she is bringing her guy along as well. She doesn't seem to be showing the same courtesy to their friendship that he is - in that if a significant other is joining them, it's established ahead of time and planned for.

 

Yes that is rude on her part, and of course he has the right to cancel if he doesn't like the change of plans.

 

My friend (the one mentioned above) pulled that on me once, we were going to see a movie and agreed on it couple weeks before, last minute (literally last min, I was already on my way to meet him), he wanted to invite the girl he just started dating to come too. I suspect to give her peace of mind that we are just friends. I found it rude but said nothing. Just food for thought, it could be why she invited her bf.

 

In any case, if he doesn't want to get involved then best to keep his opinions about her relationship to himself and distance himself from her, as you would do when you get the feeling that someone doesn't value or respect your friendship as much as you do theirs.

[WithLove]

. . something seems off to me.

He hasn't met the guy but has a definite and very strong opinion about him. .(based on her story)

Why not meet him and judge for himself? He's not dating him . .she is.

 

And the timing of not wanting to move in with her all at the same time. Hmmm

 

Forgive me. . I can't roll back without losing what I wrote. . Have you met her?

 

Too many dramatic obstacles at once. . my spidey sense is getting the better of me.

 

I have met her. I really like her, as a matter of fact. Under other circumstances, I could see us being pretty good friends. But there's too many factors there for me to consider that.

 

I honestly don't understand everyone's feelings that he's jealous or protective or whatever. Maybe I'm not portraying him properly. Ultimately, I get the feeling that he doesn't want to lose this friendship, but doesn't want to be as invested in it as she is. I think she views this as the sort of friendship where you'd share everything with the other person - but he thinks there should be certain boundaries, like when it comes to dating etc, that he doesn't want to cross.

[WithLove]

We're about 2 months into our relationship, and I feel myself wondering: what's the shelf life of an "I love you"?

 

As previously stated, Tyler has mentioned love in passing twice now, and hinted at it other times. I haven't stated it at all. All of my previous relationships have been me pretty much falling in love right away; but this one, I'm not. It's strange, because I feel like I can look at our relationship as if at a distance, and I can see love there. I can see companionship, love, loyalty, tenderness, kindness. The only thing I'm missing, at least on my side, is passion.

 

I'm not very passionate about him, sexually. For those who have followed my journey with Tyler - it has gotten better. I had my mind blown once in the beginning, but it sort of just never happened again. It has very slowly gotten a bit better, bit by bit; but the passion that I'm looking for is not present at all. I want heat; I want passion; I want sweaty, ugly, noisy love-making. The kind where you truly cannot hold out against the person anymore and just need to bury yourself in them (literally and figuratively). Where things like insecurities and awkwardness just don't matter, because you are so into your partner that you mind just blanks on everything but feeling good and making them feel good. I want to give and get demands equally. And I just don't feel like that is happening or will happen. And I sort of feel like I deserve that with someone.

 

Is this what's stopping me from saying "I love you"? Does it make me a shallow person if it is?

 

Feeling sort of lost today.