Is it fair to have a religious ceremony

[coffeecorner]

Hello, hoping to get some advice. I've been with my boyfriend (now fiancee), for nearly 9 months. We've talked in some detail about wedding plans and I've told him I want a church wedding with a Christian ceremony. When we first met he said he wasn't religious. Recently he shared that he was Christened as a baby and taught in a Christian school due to his parents (who aren't "actively" religious themselves) but he hasn't had a interest in religious as an adult. He had some pretty exaggerated assumptions about Christian people until he met me. I'm was raised a Christian, had very little interest in my teens and then became more interest around 19. We've had numerous open discussions about his views and mine which is why our relationship has worked thus far.

 

To date we've been to church together twice once, one for his friend's wedding and once upon my request but other than that, Christianity doesn't play a big role in our relationship day-to-day.

 

Is it fair to have a Christian ceremony? Overall he seems quite neutral about the idea but 6 months ago (in passing) he said he didn't believe in reciting religious vows he didn't believe in and I still take that view seriously.

 

Any advice would be great, just to put my mind at ease.

[redswim30]

You both need to meet each other halfway here. Neither of you will be happy if things are entirely one way or the other. A compromise on both parts must be reached.

 

If you can't find one, rethink getting married, you will have to reach compromises much harder than this during your marriage, especially if you have such strongly opposing religious views.

[coffeecorner]

Thanks @redswim30

 

I do agree, but we both have very little experience of wedding ceremonies, any ideas on how we can meet each other half way? I want him to have as much involvement in his own wedding but he doesn't really have a clear idea of how he wants things to go. I' concerned he'll go along with my idea for lack of a better alternative. Is this just a guy vs. girl thing or does it mean it doesn't bother him as much?

[mhowe]

Ask him! And if he says he really doesn't care as long as it isn't "too religious" go talk to your pastor and see what the alternatives are.

[coffeecorner]

Thank you @mhowe, he wants to think about it. We are apart for a month at the moment and he wants to talk in person. Hopefully we'll agree on something.

[mhowe]

You can research the alternatives and show him his options when you see him. Sometimes it is easier to see optkons than reinvent the wheel.

 

My bro just married...and they didn't want a church wedding or a civil ceremony...they found a compromise in between.

[ParisPaulette]

You can both have a church wedding and write your own vows. I don't especially remember traditional wedding vows being religious in nature either although I could be wrong about that. The twice I've been married we wrote our own vows, so I'm a little shaky there. First time though was in a church and no one had any problems with us doing that. Second time was somewhere else entirely.

 

I would say if you two have always had good communication that you simply talk it through and come up with a solution together.

[Snny]

You are engaged to someone whom you only dated for less than a year? That's quite a short time. Just curious, Why the rush? When is the wedding?

 

Here are some tough questions that need to be answered before considering a religious ceremony

So what is your relationship with God right now? What is his? Also, what is your real reason for wanting a church ceremony if he is not a member of a church? How active are you in the church and for how long? Does he intend to participate in church activities (and if so, how)? If you have kids, does he intend to help you raise them within the faith or will he be completely separate from it and have you do all the work?

 

Christians take marriage vows very seriously. You both will be saying these vows in the eyes of your friends, families, AND God. No pastor, reverend, or minister will feel comfortable marrying a couple that they either do not know or that the couple does not intend to dedicate their lives and family to God throughout their marriage. Just a heads up: They will ask you these questions to determine if such a ceremony is right for you guys.

 

Personally, if you both are not serious about the Christian faith then you are lying to yourselves AND God by throwing a church ceremony. Thus it becomes a charade just to impress your guests. Marriage is about compromise and you BOTH need to agree on ceremonial preparations together. Also you both need to thoroughly discuss how to live your lives within the faith AND raise your children in it. If your fiancé cannot promise this type of dedication and you want to be apart of a practicing Christian family, then you need to re-evaluate your relationship.

[lukeb]

I don't think your fiance should say vows that he doesn't believe in, so I am with him on that. You seem to be a bit vague the role religion plays in your life just that lately you have been "taking it more seriously". I am not sure what to make of that. What is probably happening is that you feel that making the ceremony religious is something you should be doing because it is traditionally done, would probably "look" better to the guests, but not necessarily something you believe in yourself. Personally I think you should be more concerned with making the vows more reflective of the type of marriage you will be having, and for your fiance at least it wont be religious.

[Snny]

Opps, I just saw this:

 

Christianity doesn't play a big role in our relationship day-to-day.

I definitely do not recommend planning a church ceremony. It doesn't make any sense to have one if you both do not intend to grow and raise your children in the faith. Good luck finding a pastor who will agree to marry you guys if you are not well known in a church OR outright say this.

 

However, it does not mean you can't have a nice wedding. I have been to beautiful weddings in a backyard and two vineyards that were secular and were still fun! Some venues even offer an on-site officiant. I would research local venues, interview officiants, etc. to get started on your planning. Go to local Bridal shows to get venue ideas (this is the time of the season that bridal shows happen). But altogether, it is within yours and his best interest to avoid having any religious ceremony.

[Lester]

Unless you can prove you aren't going to be part of this union... of course it's fair!

An unseen secular benefit of a Church wedding is that it pre-loads indirect pressure on him.

 

Marriage is serious business.

 

Many a young man is allowed to easily skip into it only to wish later they'd given it more thought.

He's waffling should be met with understanding and departure, not appeasement. Don't be afraid to lose him.

 

Btw;

I went to a new-age, your okay I'm okay, recite some goofy lines that we think are new and unique, wedding five years ago. The grooms friend put a dining table runner around his neck and presided. To add some element of bonding they even held up some rocks. (crystals)

It was beautiful with no hints of pressure or worries of the future.

 

Few years later they divorced and he remarried in a Church.

 

PS, Be brave and trust yourself.

[notalady]

The location where you hold a wedding ceremony has no bearing on the success or failure of your marriage. If you are religious and believe having a wedding in a church is the best way to express your seriousness to this commitment, then great. If you are of a different culture/religion and having a wedding ceremony that suits that tradition/religion, great. If you are not religious (such as myself), it makes no difference to me if my wedding was held in a church or somewhere else and saying vows that makes reference to religion also means nothing to me, so why would it in anyway impact my actual marriage? I can see OP's fiancé's point of view in that he wants to say vows that mean something to him, that's a good thing.

 

Can't see why you can't have a church wedding (if you want) and write your own vows (if allowed) that reflect your own values and beliefs, both equally expressing how serious you are about this union, just in your own ways.

[Snny]

If you are of a different culture/religion and having a wedding ceremony that suits that tradition/religion, great. If you are not religious (such as myself), it makes no difference to me if my wedding was held in a church or somewhere else and saying vows that makes reference to religion also means nothing to me, so why would it in anyway impact my actual marriage?

Since I had a religious ceremony two months ago, I can shed some light on this aspect. However I mainly speak from the Catholic perspective.

 

If you choose a church ceremony, you must meet the church's criteria and rules in wedding preparation. The first thing to do is to research those guidelines together and still see if you both want to go through their preparation. They do this as a way to exercise your level of commitment to each other and to make you think if you still want to go through with the marriage or not. In most churches the bride and groom are given very limited options on how they want their ceremonies to be presented because they got to follow their rules. I had to go through three different Catholic Churches in two different dioceses because the first two did not want to omit the Eucharist/mass from the ceremony (if my guests were not Catholic they could not partake in the Eucharist) and said I HAD to do it even though it was considered optional in most dioceses.

 

In the eyes of the church, you are standing in the house of God and presenting yourself to Him with your spouse on your side. Also in the same faithyou are also His servant and should be abiding to His expectations and practices as stated in the Bible. Vows are not taken lightly either- they are PROMISES to each over for life. If you are going to write and say "goofy vows," then you are expressing the lack of seriousness toward your commitment and the Church wants zero part in that. These are solemn, serious ceremonies that take a LOT of preparation from the bride, the groom, and their families- don't waste their time if you aren't going to be serious enough to lead your lives with God.

 

Weddings are a very personal matter to the participants and families involved. The bride and groom need to discuss not just how they choose to celebrate their big party day, but what comes after-- how they intend to spend their married lives together. So many couples forget to do this and it's one of the reasons the rate of divorces are high. This is a serious conversation that should have happened before getting engaged to see if your values match with your partners.

[superfan]

Having a church wedding does not automatically mean the marriage is more "secure" than a secular wedding. A wedding should reflect the values and love of those participating in it. If both people are on the same page (or at least willing to compromise) then the marriage should work.

 

My husband and I are not religious. We did not have a religious ceremony or get married in a church. Instead, we chose city hall, where we were allowed to write our own vows as long as they made no reference whatsoever to anything religious.

 

We did consider a church, but it felt wrong for both of us to get married in a place that is very serious and sacred to people - like that would be a lie.

 

Your fiance possibly feels this way as well. Reciting religious vows when he isn't religious himself might feel disingenuous or make him very uncomfortable. This is something you need to talk to him about, however, as nobody can tell you what your wedding should or shouldn't contain.

 

Ask him if he is truly uncomfortable about the idea of getting married in a church. Look into what alternative options there are for ceremonies that maybe aren't as "religious" if he is OK with that.

 

But it is also about what you want and if you don't feel right NOT having a religious ceremony, you might not be compatible. You might think religion doesn't play a role in your day to day life, but clearly it does or this would not have come up. In order for a marriage to work you need to either share similar values, or have a way of working around the things you disagree on.

 

Do you plan to have kids? How would they be raised? Religious? Not religious? These are questions that need to be answered before you say "I do".

[Seraphim]

No, one is saying a church wedding is more " secure", what they are saying is that it follows certain rules and if you don't follow the certain rules you cannot be married in a church.

 

OP , if you want a church like ceremony there are nondenominational chapels. They are just basic Christian ceremonies, with no particular affiliation to any denomination. If you want to be married in a church you have to belong to the congregation for a certain period of time and announce your intentions. It is not just show up one day and somebody's going to marry you. So if you want a church like ceremony try a nondenominational Chapel. When I got married my husband and I got married in a nondenominational Chaple . Then when we started living our faith we got remarried in the Catholic Church. Even though we were already married we still had to do a preparation course and the priest still had to agree to marry us. And we had already been a member of the congregation for a couple years.

 

So your best bet might be a chapel which is less formal.

[superfan]

I did know this about the Catholic faith when it comes to weddings, but not all denominations are quite this strict when it comes to what ceremonies they will perform.

 

I was raised in a protestant household and although I myself am no longer religious, my sister is. Her husband however is not very religious, but she still wanted to get married in a church. The compromise was they chose a church and found a pastor willing to marry them and were able to design the ceremony to reflect both of their tastes. There was a prayer at the beginning and one or two references to God in the Pastor's speech, but their vows did not contain any references to religion and they were happy with that.

 

It depends on where you are and what denomination you are. Some churches will do it, you just have to do the research.

[mhowe]

My bff from college is Jewish. She wanted to marry a Catholic.

 

Back then, a Catholic Church would not marry them. And he didn't want to be married in a synagogue.

 

They were married in a wedding function place, by a very liberal rabbi and the grooms FATHER, who was a deacon in the Catholic Church. The ceremony was a blend of both religions. A fantastic compromise.

 

They are still married --- 27 years later.

[coffeecorner]

Wow, wish I'd been able to respond to these reply sooner. Sorry about that. Hopefully I can answer your questions here if you're still interested.

 

To be honest I do identify with the Christian faith and its teaching do ignite something in me that I've never felt comfortable leaving behind for go no matter how many periods of doubt I have and still do go through. For myself I haven't found a church I feel happy enough with to visit regularly so I frequently go to different ones whether it be through invite or just on my own desire. I'm still finding myself within Christianity and it's a daily challenge that sometimes I just don't have the energy for but nonetheless it is something I feel drawn to.

 

My partner has since agreed that he would like a church ceremony. He doesn't see a problem with it but cannot say that he is invested in the religious meaning of. As for our future plans we've agreed not to have children and as we intend for it to just be the two of us I have chosen to accept that I want to be part of the Christian faith and my partner is not ready to give more thought at this point in his life. We haven't set a day though if things were ideal we'd like to get married within the next two years.

 

Having him right personal vows would be a great compromise and certainly something to bring up! Thank you. And the chapel idea is very interesting. We are still in the process of agreeing on a place to live so I have plenty of time to become part of a church that's right for me. The guest list is very small (less than 10 at present) and not all of them are religious so I'm sure many would be happy wherever the ceremony was held.

 

Yes we discussed marriage early on and becoming engaged at this time went hand in hand with our strong feelings. I have wanted to get married (to the right person) for year, my partner had little faith he'd ever meet anyone so didn't give marriage much thought which I suspect is why he hasn't got a clear idea of what he wants.