Another online daing journal

[Fudgie]

I like to talk about past relationships too. Not in a "let's re-hash every single thing so I can compare myself to all of your exes" way that I see people do on here (when they get jealous and insecure about their partners past)...but as a tool for deeper insight, I guess. It's interesting to see past patterns....and it's interesting to see how they view their past. Do they take responsibility? Are they bitter? Are they respectful?

 

Idk. I always find it fascinating.

 

I really like hearing about partner's past relationships too. Even the details. It doesn't bother me. It's the past and all, I just find it really interesting. I think it can tell a lot about a person or at least, how they turned into the person that they are today.

[faraday]

I really like hearing about partner's past relationships too. Even the details. It doesn't bother me. It's the past and all, I just find it really interesting. I think it can tell a lot about a person or at least, how they turned into the person that they are today.

 

I think people need to know themselves well and what they can handle...you see threads on here about a partners prior sexual encounters (that's stuff I don't want to know about my partner- just let me know that you're clean of stis).....or as an extreme, what about those people that get upset that their partner took them to a restaurant/vacation spot/bought a similar gift etc...that they did/bought with/for an ex? People need to take responsibly for the themselves...If a person is prone to jealousy or insecurity, they need to be able to say, "I don't want to know" when a partner references the past. And if you can handle it and want to know...you have to be okay with whatever they say...it can't be held over them if you asked.

 

Don't ask questions if you don't really want to know the answer, right?

[reinventmyself]

Soooo S is away again.

I am struggling a little here and need to vent.

 

This is the second trip this year where S has flown the `sister' down to the house and her along with 5 of her friends are spending a week in remote tropical setting.

S has been working for this family for 4 years. During that entire time he is there keeps to himself and dines with the staff.

 

For the first time this year the sister includes S during the meals and excursions.

I am pretty trusting by nature . . but I am also human.

S is a pretty handsome, interesting man and he is with 6 single women for days at a time. No, I don't think he should sequester himself alone.

He gets pretty miserable as days go by and I am glad that he has company.

 

Now that he dines with them he needs to Skype me earlier than usual so he can shower and meet them for dinner.

 

My issue is two fold. Not sure what bugs me more.

S has had some insecurities during our time together. There has been some great improvements but I have to remind him his insecurities are his to work on.

I have given him no reason to not trust me. But in the moments he has given me a hard time and wants me to reassure him and let him know my where abouts.

I get resentful.

I'll repeat. It is better and continues to get better or I wouldn't continue.

 

I am wrestling with huge double standard I am feeling. If the roles were reversed and I was away with 6 men, wining and dining there would be sh** storm of controversy! I trust S as much as I can trust anyone. I would be lying if my mind didn't go to a bad place considering the situation, but it's my insecurity and I deal with it. I don't exercise it out on him.

 

When he signed off last night to go to dinner, I was bugged. What I came up with is considering everything the only thing I can do or have control over is I will no longer allow him to get to me the way he has regarding his insecurities. I will acknowledge them and carry on. I will leave him be to work on them and to let me know when he's done.

[Fudgie]

The double standard would really bother the hell out of me. My ex N was pretty controlling at times in ways that bothered me (well, they'd bother anyone) but there were no double standards. He was cut off from his mother and such (she was physically abusive) so he wanted the same from me.

 

Are you going to say something to him?

[reinventmyself]

The double standard would really bother the hell out of me. My ex N was pretty controlling at times in ways that bothered me (well, they'd bother anyone) but there were no double standards. He was cut off from his mother and such (she was physically abusive) so he wanted the same from me.

 

Are you going to say something to him?

 

Yes. . I am mulling it over now.

I want to wait to did it person and I won't see him until next week.

 

I did touch on it his last trip with the sister. He smirked and said something like `see you are just like me'

As if I ought to have more understanding about his insecurities because I have them as well?

 

I let it go at the time. . But it's not the point I was trying to make.

[WithLove]

I would play it cool. I would tell him to have fun. I would lead by example. When you don't freak over it, he should realize that he shouldn't, either.

[reinventmyself]

I would play it cool. I would tell him to have fun. I would lead by example. When you don't freak over it, he should realize that he shouldn't, either.

 

Thanks. . I think I have been leading by example. An example of how I wish to be treated.

I also think he might enjoy it if I showed my insecurity. He did seem to a little the first time I brought it up.

I won't give him that satisfaction.

Sorry. .I am grumpy today.

[WithLove]

It's true, you have been leading by example. You're right about that.

 

Were it me personally, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing I was bothered by it - not after how many times we'd talked about his own insecurities.

 

But, then it would just leave a bad taste in my mouth. I'd be grumpy the whole time he was gone.

 

 

 

I think you're going to have to talk to him.

[reinventmyself]

He's text/skyping me now.

Good thing he can't see my face

[reinventmyself]

S is on his way home today.

Over the course of the last week he was a little preoccupied by his latest trip.

He typically likes to Skype at the end of the day to say good night.

But the ladies eat dinner late so he would instead prefer to Skype earlier and the calls are pretty brief because he needs rush off.

 

Two different nights this weekend he volunteers to Skype at 10 pm.

The first one he was late, I don't recall how late . . maybe 30 min's and only after I text a good night did he call.

Saturday night, again another 10 pm Skype call that he suggests and at 10:10 and no word from him, I text good night and I turned off my phone.

I could see the following day he did try to call. I did turn my phone off partly to make a statement and at the same time I had been dozing off and on watching a movie and wanted to go to bed.

Woken up by another late call, I doubt I would have said the right thing.

 

We had a good talk yesterday.

I told him that I appreciated that he feels safe sharing his insecurities with me and I feel we've come a long way.

Though I don't share mine doesn't mean I don't have them. I have a different outlook on insecurities and if he hasn't done anything in question the securities are mine to deal with on my own.

 

Having said that. . I pointed out what I felt to be a double standard and turned the tables asking him how he might feel if I was with 6 men alone in a tropical setting, with limited contact, wining, dining and participating in activities and excursions.

 

Add in that in the past the communication while he's away has been a little more critical for him than myself. He's actually gotten upset when he couldn't get ahold of me. But this is the second trip with the ladies and communication is suddenly not that important to him and honestly, I don't feel like a priority. Besides, he was the one arranging the time to call, not me.

 

I don't have any issues with him spending the time with the guests.

I'd much rather he have someone to talk to and enjoy his time and I trust him completely.

But the social participation isn't part of his job description and he has choices.

Clearly they are done eating and by his own description he doesn't just get up and walk away when they are being social and talking.

That's fine . . I am flexible, but given the now apparent pattern . . not so much.

 

I pointed out I would have a colossal issue on my hands if the roles were reversed. To be perfectly honest, he would come undone.

He admitted as much when I pointed it out.

 

Sharing with him how I felt - he admitted that because I am so good about things and flexible he didn't think I would have an issue.

He was in some ways surprised.

He thanked me for sharing how I felt and wished I had told him sooner rather than let it bother me and sincerely apologized.

 

I shared with that I was trying to lead by example (thank you WL for the term) but the double standard was wearing on me.

I am pretty good about things like this, just not that good.

 

He shares with me that he's really been working on his part and asks if I notice and I agreed.

 

Anyway. . I felt heard, understood and very much loved.

Before dinner he called/skyped and in the middle he got a knock on the door telling him dinner was ready.

I could tell what it was, even though I actually couldn't hear it.

He continues to talk and is being very sweet and I had to tell him to go eat. He was torn.

I told him just hearing me out and understanding was all I needed.

Now go eat!

I woke up to a `I love you!` text thru skype

[Ms Darcy]

It's good news that you two are communicating in such a way that you two can hear each other. Glad to hear that you are feeling loved!

[WithLove]

Agreed, it is good knowing you two can communicate when it matters most.

 

I do feel like this jealousy issue will always be present, though.

[reinventmyself]

Agreed, it is good knowing you two can communicate when it matters most.

 

I do feel like this jealousy issue will always be present, though.

 

probably . . .

[reinventmyself]

Well. . .it's officially over

[WithLove]

Oh no........ Do you want to talk about what happened?

[Fudgie]

*hugs* we're here for you, reinvent.

[faraday]

That seems sudden. It seemed like you guys were figuring things out.

 

I'm sorry reinvent

[Ms Darcy]

So sorry! I thought things were going well!

[reinventmyself]

I haven’t quite sorted it all out yet but we’ve had a few big arguments the base of them are about trust and insecurities.

It’s been a theme throughout our entire relationship and though it’s gotten better in a lot of ways, in a lot of ways I think he just got better hiding it.

 

I started not feeling safe speaking up because he inevitably would twist things around on me. So I would keep them to myself.

He's had such insecure reactions to anything I did say and felt so injured by it, if that makes sense? He would always ask me what I am thinking and over this last weekend we were together for 4 days and I told him that I didn’t feel safe saying some things to him because they often got blown out of proportion.

It was a mess.

 

He got upset and shut me out for hours. . 4th of July evening we sat in silence from 6 to midnight and went to bed not talking.

I understand that he was upset over something and needed time. But good grief. I have done that. . .stepped out for a moment or two or even as long as an hour to collect myself. But I don’t stonewall someone for an entire evening. It just wasn't in proportion to what transpired. But then again that's according to me, apparently not him

 

What started to whole thing was that he got upset and insecure earlier that I didn’t make a romantic move on him because he was laying on the bed while I was drying my hair in the middle of the day and I should have known to? Or at least why didn't I? (does it count that we had sex that morning and the night before) I am not a mind reader but he said it made him feel insecure and that I didn’t desire him. I totally `desire’ him but I missed that moment and all hell broke loose. It wasn’t so much that I missed the moment, he said I didn’t respond in a way he needed when he told me it was one of his insecurities. Though I do recall being staying quiet and reaching out to him and rubbing his arm. He doesn't remember this.

I guess I didn’t get that right either.

 

That’s just one example of many. . We just don’t hear each other or get each other.

I love him dearly. . I really do but I felt he had to keep tabs on me and though he got better about it he would grill me when I went out with my friends.

I mentioned to him Friday when my gf and I golfed, we got paired up in a foursome with 2 cute old men. `what do you mean by cute?’ He asks.

That's just one example of many. Most times lately he was able to bite his tongue. Sometimes the real thoughts would spill out and he'd reveal the true side of him.

I told him that I was honored that he felt safe sharing his insecurities with me. But he showed up with them when I met him and I didn't do anything to provoke them. It's ok to have insecurities, that makes us human. However it's not ok for him to exercise them out on me.

 

Sorry. . I am just vomiting info here and I am all over the place.

 

We hadn’t talked in a couple days and last night - he’s the one who said he couldn’t do it anymore over the phone.

It hurts to have him do it but in a lot of ways I don’t know if I had the courage and would have waited until it got much worse.

 

I was having thoughts that I was fighting off and continuing to stuff. What if this went the distance and we married or moved in together? I know in my heart I would have to give up parts of myself to accommodate him and his insecurities and I am not willing to that . . not for any man.

 

It proves my point again, at least in my experience. It's that very thing you see in the very beginning that ends up being the demise in the end.

[WithLove]

Wow. I mean, no offense, but it sounded like he was the woman in this relationship... Always needing to be reassured, always needing to be comforted... And that's just not who you are. You're strong, independent, looking for someone to add to your life.... not someone you need to tiptoe around and treat like a child at times (by trying not to hurt his feelings).

 

I'm sorry, Reinvent. (((hugs)))

[faraday]

Idk what to say...because I was in a relationship like that...and I know how hard it is. I'm sorry that it ended like that and that it was so hard on both of you.

 

All I can say is...it will get worse, and then it will get better...and then you'll meet someone else. One day at a time. You'll be okay.

 

(((((Reinvent))))))

[Fudgie]

I'm really sorry, reinvent. I really am. I think you are right though - if this continued, you would have had to give up parts of yourself. He is a very insecure, jealous individual and you didn't feel safe telling him things, little things, and it's stuff like that that just erodes a relationship.

 

I cringed when I read this because I see a lot of problematic things he did this past weekend that my ex N did to me sometimes:

 

-always asking what you're thinking. More than just a "hey, you feeling okay" - but asking repeatedly to someone "what are you thinking" is a boundary violation, IMO. Someone who says it is trying to get into your head space, the one space that only you have from others, and is trying to force intimacy. It is a sign of someone who feels uncomfortable with you keeping things from them on the most basic level: thoughts. Sorry, I don't mean to sound like 1984 here but IMO, having been in a controlling situation, that was something that played out for me again and again.

 

-using insecurities as a way to force a change in your behavior. Part of being in a relationship is compromise but it sounded like he used his insecurities as a way to say "Well, I'm feeling x way so you need to stop doing y", always. That is okay some of the time but he has a part to play too in managing is own feelings. It boils down to a sentiment that is juvenile when it is played all the time: You make me feel x, it is your fault that I feel x, you are responsible for my feelings. No responsibility there.

 

I'm so sorry, reinvent. I feel for you, because I know you suffered in the past with your husband. You deserve someone that you can feel safe with, someone who will respect your boundaries, and not be so ridiculously insecure, blowing up your phone, etc. That is not love.

[reinventmyself]

It just f'in hurts

 

Im so sorry, reinvent. I feel for you, because I know you suffered in the past with your husband. You deserve someone that you can feel safe with, someone who will respect your boundaries, and not be so ridiculously insecure, blowing up your phone, etc. That is not love

 

I'm at work and holding it together pretty well. . .but Fudgie that comment hits so close to home.

Time to close my (office) door. ;{

I know it's the grief talking but I honestly don't think I'll try again. I really don't.

I am so tired and broken from men exercising their bs out on me.

I know I play a part in it all, but it just doesn't feel that way at the moment.

[reinventmyself]

always asking what you're thinking. More than just a "hey, you feeling okay" - but asking repeatedly to someone "what are you thinking" is a boundary violation, IMO. Someone who says it is trying to get into your head space, the one space that only you have from others, and is trying to force intimacy.

 

There was this constant dynamic where he would tell me what I am thinking and it was always negative.

"Oh, I bet your sick of me kissing on you'

'You don't like this, you don't like that" "You are thinking this or whatever'

 

Mostly I shrugged it off or countered it with reassurance and then I asked him to stop doing it. He would mostly do it in a joking manner but he always mindreading in some way and letting me know all these negative thoughts he assumed I was having. . that were directed towards him.

 

I haven't really sorted that out. . Probably because I spent so much time trying to ignore it

[faraday]

You've learned things from this. And one day when you've let it go, and you are ready to move forward (I know, at this point it doesn't feel like dating will ever be desirable again)...you'll have better filters. Your bulls*%t meter will be more sensitive. You will walk away sooner, before you become emotionally invested.

 

This dating thing...is a process. It has a huge learning curve.

 

Most men are good. Most don't have tons of issues. Most are kind and loving and want the same things women want. Its just a filtering process.

 

You deserve so much more. You will get through this. Don't let this taint your views on love or men...because there is real love out there. It's just not always easy to find.