Another online daing journal

[Fudgie]

I'm glad you came back to update us, reinvent. So are you two still an item? Or is it more of a "take as it comes" sort of thing? Just curious, it was a little unclear to me, my bad.

 

I can relate a lot to what you say because like you, I also can be kind of aloof, detached, and hold people at arm's length. I've been with my ex N who was kind of clingy and would do the same thing as S: try to cling to me tighter and he was also pretty possessive and would get upset if I got home maybe 10 min late or wasn't home "on time" because I decided to drop by a store to buy something. In the end, it just made my fears worse and I would pull away further. Kind of like a bad feedback loop.

 

Right now, with K, he is affectionate but not clingy. Our time together is largely in-person and we don't really text during the day or when one of us is busy. This makes me feel good, like I am not on a digital leash. I don't feel restrained or anything, that I am just with him to be with him, not because he "roped" me into it.

 

I trust that you will do the right thing for you, reinvent. I really do. My only concern right now is that he's gaslighting you by saying "Well, I didn't say that, I said this" and making you think you misheard him and that it's really all/most of your fault. I looked back and read your previous post, about you calling him back after he called you a ton in a short amount of time and how he was miffed and you gave a BLOW by BLOW of what happened in that 40min time frame....that doesn't sound at all like a situation where someone would "playfully" ask "Are you ignoring me?"

 

Sorry, I'm just very sensitive to all of this. My ex N accused me of some things, like ignoring him when I was really actually at work, or taking a class, or catching up with an old female friend, and he knew that I would be busy but he would bother me anyway and accuse me of not being attentive, not being a good girlfriend, ignoring him, etc. It would drive me insane and yes, in the beginning, I would feel guilty and I would sort of turn around and say "okay, a lot of this is on me, I have a lot to work on". And in reality, I did and I still do.

 

I do think it takes 2 to tango and usually yes, it's both people have something to work on. And yes, you're the common denominator because you're with him, but that also involves him so that makes him a common denominator too. I just worry that he's pinning all/most of this on you as being your fault.

 

I do have faith that you'll remain clear-headed though.

[reinventmyself]

Fudgie, everything you said is fair and it's on my radar.

The gas lighting comment. At first I thought it possible. I was married to a gas lighter for 16 fun-filled yrs, so I am pretty good at spotting it. But what makes me think otherwise was his demeanor and responses directly after support his version, not mine. I dunno.

 

Seeing it could go either way with this one I don't have enough to call it on way or another. I am on the look out for it tho.

And my preferred term for gaslighting is Head F'ing.

 

(after accounting for the time. .he said `so you weren't ignoring me? Funny? meh, maybe. Sarcasm/insecurity, possible, but he immediately swung into an upbeat `how was your day?' and confused why I was upset)

 

Outside of this our level of electronic exchanges strike a nice balance. He's got a full life outside of this relationship and not needy. Mistrusting at times, but not needy.

 

And yes, you're the common denominator because you're with him, but that also involves him so that makes him a common denominator too. I just worry that he's pinning all/most of this on you as being your fault. And no. . he's not pinning anything on me. What I shared was merely my observation on my own actions and thoughts concerning what's transpired. He's owned his and always has. I could elaborate more on his, but I've already done a fair share of that.

 

Basically we just need to learn to trust each other more and trust ourselves.

Whether or not this is possible, remains to be seen.

 

So are you two still an item? Or is it more of a "take as it comes" sort of thing? One day at a time and no we really didn't define things. In light of everything it didn't seem relevant but I guess we are still an item and trying to move forward.

[Fudgie]

I think you will figure things out in time, however they go. I am always worried when I give advice on this sort of stuff because as I said, I'm super sensitive to it. I know what it's like to be gas-lighted and it's horrible, never again. I still struggle from time to time from the after-effects of my relationship with N but I am getting a lot better. I totally get it. A while ago, K mentioned slight disappointment that I was missing on an event he wanted to go with me to because I was going to my family's place (understandable and okay) and I was in a bad mood and snapped at him because his innocuous comment brought me back to N always bad-mouthing my family and trying to tell me time after time not to visit them even for a few hours, that I should stay at home with him and stay put. Luckily, I realized what I did and I apologized right away.

 

It's sort of a tricky balancing act, trying to suss out what is our s__t to deal with and what is the other person's. Sometimes it is not so clear.

[reinventmyself]

Thanks Fudgie. What you just shared explains my challenge(s) in relationships perfectly. I'm not always clear on what's mine and what's theirs, let alone 'ours.'

 

So until I have more information otherwise I'll carry on.

I do know because of my experiences I can be pretty hyper vigilant about things too, so I can surely relate!

[Ms Darcy]

I'm glad you came back to share as well! I support whatever decision you make about the relationship. Wanted to share some more food for thought to consider.

 

1. I would think about the attraction. It's a hard thing to understand or recognize. Is it possible that some of the attraction is to traits that make him what you say you don't want? In other words, could you like the fact that he's somewhat heavily attached to you? I remember once when you expressed a little nervousness or unease when he was out with friends and doing his own thing. I'm not saying for sure ... just a thought.

 

2. Another thought is, it's interesting how your issues on different sides of the same spectrum. You have issues with being aloof/not wanting to be controlled. He has issues with insecurity/perhaps with the urge to control. To me, both the distancer and the clinger have at least some fears and both are reuctant to let go of the relationship. There is power in being the more aloof one.

 

3. I'm not really sure why you say you need more information. I don't know if you need more information ... you have plenty of information. Whether you have chosen to listen and process things before, I'm not sure. But I suspect none of this is actually new information to you. I think you are in "accommodate-to-fix it" mode. I'm not saying that's bad. That's normal. Just wanted you to consider that what you see is what you get with this guy. A hard thing to remember. So, if you are saying YOU want to change yourself, well that's definitely more viable than hoping to change/work with him.

 

Good luck!

[reinventmyself]

I think you are in "accommodate-to-fix it" mode. I'm not saying that's bad. That's normal. Just wanted you to consider that what you see is what you get with this guy. A hard thing to remember. So, if you are saying YOU want to change yourself, well that's definitely more viable than hoping to change/work with him.

 

Good luck!

It's possible. I have been guilty of it before.

Before I give up I do want to try to do things differently on my end to see if I get a different result.

I don't know if you need more information Yes, yes I do.

 

As far as S's part in this, it may very well be wishful thinking but he's determined to do things differently.

Not just with me or because of me, but overall he's been working on himself before I even came along.

He's even thanked me for some of my insights (even if they are misguided

 

Thanks. .you've given me much to think about.

[reinventmyself]

Just venting.

My best friend of 35 yrs, G met a guy 3 years ago? I was with her and there was this undeniable chemistry.

They hit it off immediately. He was going thru a divorce, sleeping on his bro's couch, no car, no job. (he used to be pretty well off and lost everything) AND he had a young gf as it turns out, 15yrs his jr with an 8 year old daughter.

 

G felt like she had to compete. She supported this fool, cooked for him, gave him her car, etc and all the while he would do things like text the other gf goodnight before he crawled into G's bed. He's done other unspeakable things but there isn't enough room on this page. To me and the rest of our friends, he is the lowest form of life.

 

This began almost 2 years of absolute nonsense with him bouncing between G and the gf. Tears, breakdowns, drama, psychiatric care, med's, spiraling. Happy, sad, volatile. Her roommate moved out after she had enough which left G in a bind and had to move to her mothers.

 

A year ago this guy married the gf. G slowly has crawled her way back up and has never really been the same since.

 

I have been there for her and distanced myself. She had lied to me, worn out our friendship and slowly made her way back from a very dark place for a very long time. Most of our friends distanced themselves from the drama and just these past few months things seem to finally taken a turn.

 

Until . .last night. Honestly last week my spidey senses were up. When G goes off the grid I tend to get suspicious.

 

It was her bday yesterday, along with another friend. A group of us got together and celebrated. I left early and walked out with a mutual friend. Her and I ended up sitting on a bench outside of the restaurant and I suppose G figured we were gone and came out to greet this clown and drive off. I asked someone else who might know and she confirmed they are seeing each other.

It makes me sad. I can't be her friend while she does this.

I can't be her friend when he disappoints her again.

[notalady]

It's certainly hard to watch a friend make unwise decisions about the same thing over and over regardless of what others say. I would distance myself too.

[reinventmyself]

It's certainly hard to watch a friend make unwise decisions about the same thing over and over regardless of what others say. I would distance myself too.

 

I've told her "If you keep poking yourself in the eye and crying about, I can't help you if you continue to do it after everyone tells you otherwise. You just very well might like being poked in the eye. Just please stop complaining about it"

 

[reinventmyself]

So, as the gossip mill churns it turns out that G told very few people that she was dating this guy again, yet they were sworn to secrecy. These very friends outed her. I am taking the stance that if it was a secret that she was dating him, then it's a secret when he ditches her again. In other words, I don't want any part of it.

There's more to the story but I am staying out of it. I don't do drama well.

 

I imagine she didn't come right out and tell me because I will tell her exactly what I think, unlike her other friends (she told) that will say the same but worse but behind her back . .hmmph

 

So far she's asked me 3 times this week to get together and I've denied each one.

The first time I wasn't in the right frame of mind and the two most recent, I legitimately have plans.

She knows I know now and I am sure she is trying to get my attention concerned that I am disappointed in the way she's handled it.

Yah. . she's right.

 

I don't want to lose my friendship with her at the same time I am not sure how to navigate this. So until I figure it out, I'll lay low.

 

Things are good with S as expected. Ha ha. .probably because he's gone a lot! I'll see him tomorrow night while he's in town for overnight.

He's got a hotel room near the airport, so it will be a little rendezvous or sorts. I will work in an office south of my home office so it will be convenient.

 

Not much else to report. My oldest son graduated from the fire department! After the ceremony I sat with my ex inlaws who have always been very gracious to me. A few of us had a little after party at a restaurant, including my ex H and his GF, who I also get along with. My sons GF sent me a sweet text the next day how much she respected me and how amazing it was that I could sit and enjoy my ex inlaws and new GF's. I guess for some it is kinda odd.

 

My ex on the other hand was his usual arrogant, pompous self. He baited me through out the evening and I kept derailing him. I could tell his GF was embarrassed by him. My sons GF checked him a few times and once when I excused myself to the restroom and asked him to please change the conversation when I return, both my sons GF and my ex's GF told him off when I walked away `you can't talk to her like that!!' they said. I am glad despite everything I just kept taking the high road.

 

The evening ended with me excusing myself for the night when my ex called S a drug dealer.

Because after all, aren't all DEA agents drug dealers when they retire??

What a prize he is! Dumb A**! I'll have to thank him for reminding me why I divorced him.

 

Just a weird week with the ex's GF's hugging me, my ex inlaws inviting me over after 16 years and my best friend hooking up with a sociopath.

No wonder I spent most of the weekend escaping into the Netflix, watching movie after movie trying to decompress.

[Ms Darcy]

Your friend G would drive me nuts. She seems like a sad lady.

[Fudgie]

Your friend G would drive me nuts. She seems like a sad lady.

 

Same. There's no way I could keep my mouth shut if I had a friend doing such destructive things in their life. It would drive me nuts.

[reinventmyself]

Life is never dull.

Last night while having dinner with friends my phone rings and it's Mark?

Apparently blocked numbers drop off after 3 months.

I didn't answer it. . . Just weird. He didn't leave a vm either.

It's been months since we last talked.

 

Time just keeps racing by. It's hard to believe that this time last year things started coming undone for he and I.

[WithLove]

Wow, what the heck? reblock and ignore!

[reinventmyself]

Wow, what the heck? reblock and ignore!

 

I have him on auto reject now.

He's harmless . . and a little pitiful too.

Time just keeps racing by. It's hard to believe that this time last year things started coming undone for he and I.

I just edited my last post and added that.

Life is just plain weird.

[Fudgie]

I have Verizon and yeah, if you didn't pay for "smart blocking" or whatever, after 90 days, the blocks on numbers drop off. This has been my experience.

 

This bothers me because this tells me one of two things. He probably has been trying to call you CONSISTENTLY since the block, maybe not frequently but consistently. Highly doubtful that he was blocked and then thought "oh okay" and didn't bother for months and then around the time the block falls off, his call goes through? I had this happen once and my dad said "It's opening a window for the first time in a while and a fly goes SHOOOMMM, flies out of there as quickly as possible. You don't think he was hitting the glass again, and again, and again until you finally opened the window? C'mon now."

[reinventmyself]

I'll block him but it makes no difference anyhow.

He can call all he wants.

I won't be talking to him. I don't feel rattled by his presence one bit.

Mostly my reason for not speaking with him is this very thing.

He has some impulse issues. I think any attention, negative or positive would be seen as encouragement.

He needs to keep moving forward.

[faraday]

Your phone won't let you block him?

 

It's one of my favourite features on mine...I block telemarketers, ex bfs, creepy guys I met for one date...my list is quite long at this point.

 

I'm glad you were able footnote him. I didn't read your journal back then so I don't know the story of him...but I know even when you're over someone it can be quite jarring to see/hear from them unexpectedly.

[reinventmyself]

Your phone won't let you block him?

 

It's one of my favourite features on mine...I block telemarketers, ex bfs, creepy guys I met for one date...my list is quite long at this point.

 

I'm glad you were able footnote him. I didn't read your journal back then so I don't know the story of him...but I know even when you're over someone it can be quite jarring to see/hear from them unexpectedly.

 

It might have been jarring a few months ago. .but now, not.

On my phone I have the option of auto reject which sends him straight to vm. When he called the other night I subsequently set his phone number to that feature.

This morning, I get a text picture. From there I did take the time to log onto my phone account and block him again. Here goes another 90 days!

For the most part, I just don't need to have to explain to S why this guy has suddenly reappeared.

Call me naive, I didn't think he'd continue to try.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Reinvent. I remember when I first came here they gave some periods of time when exes tended to reappear from the woodwork 4 and 10 months, and that was exactly what happened with me. So glad I was over him by then.

[reinventmyself]

Hi Reinvent. I remember when I first came here they gave some periods of time when exes tended to reappear from the woodwork 4 and 10 months, and that was exactly what happened with me. So glad I was over him by then.

 

That always seems to happen. Not just to me, but most everyone.

To be expected I suppose.

[reinventmyself]

Someone I went on a couple dates with a while back is currently out front of my building. The city puts on an annual fundraiser and they close the streets for this festival.

He text me and I went down and visited him for a few minutes.

 

He's lost weight since we met. It was one of those moments where his online profile didn't represent himself well.

He looked good today! I got about $50 dollars of food tickets from him. So much for supporting the cause.

He seems to be in a much better place in his life.

 

I recall not being interested because of the weight issue and he was going through an ugly divorce and had custody of the daughter from hell.

He wasn't ready to date, but I don't think he knew that at the time.

 

It's been almost 2 years?

Life's curve balls. .that's all.

[reinventmyself]

We just passed 7 months.

Boy does time fly.

Things continue to get better and better. S has spent more time with my friends which I think helps.

That and we've talked a little more about our past histories. I know some people don't think it's healthy to talk about it but I think when things feel like they are off limits, it's just as bad.

No need to rehash things but also no need to tippy toe around something taboo. I think that's worse.

I just tend to be pretty transparent about things. S typically doesn't want to know and doesn't ask. But I did share with him that at the same time I don't want to sensor myself with him either. It's a fine line.

 

I find myself closer to S than I think I ever may have been with anyone. Can that be? We just spent 3 days together and I miss him already.

He's so thoughtful and sweet. I am just not used to someone being this way, for so long, consistently. I have grown accustomed to their alter ego showing up and taking over. It's just what I have learned to expect. But with S, what you see is what you get. And I like it

 

He's getting ready to leave Sunday and outside of 4 separate days, spread apart, he'll be gone until the middle of July. Ugh, my heart hurts thinking of it.

 

I just reread some of my journal and for all the time I've spent alone. . it's not accounted for here, really.

Not much to contribute to a dating journal when you spend time single I suppose but from B to M there was 9 mo's?

And from M to S, 7 mo's alone? I don't really count the last couple months with M because we really didn't even see each other, mainly just communicated in his comfort-zone-electronic ways.

 

I am becoming a reformed cynic. Go figure.

[WithLove]

Perhaps this is the type of relationship that works for you, though. One where you or he travels often and you don't spend tons of time together. That makes the times you do see each other more special.

[faraday]

I like to talk about past relationships too. Not in a "let's re-hash every single thing so I can compare myself to all of your exes" way that I see people do on here (when they get jealous and insecure about their partners past)...but as a tool for deeper insight, I guess. It's interesting to see past patterns....and it's interesting to see how they view their past. Do they take responsibility? Are they bitter? Are they respectful?

 

Idk. I always find it fascinating.