Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

so maybe the new game plan is to have your dates in his "comfy" places until he is over his shyness--activity dates are more interesting anyway, I think. It is really daunting to sit face-to-face for a few hours with someone that you don't know that well, are attracted to and want them to like you too....

 

Very true!

 

I saw M again last night. We went to the movies and late dinner.

I am now feeling better about not giving up on him. He is slowly opening up and letting me in. The lack of confidence rattles me a little bit (uhg) but that's getting better too.

He's got so many other things going for him that I am hoping I can overlook it. Better yet, it goes away.

 

On the upside, because he's nervous things have been moving along very, very slowly. Slowly but steadily and I can't tell you how nice it feels to not feel anxious, pressured, insecure and all

the other things that go along with initial dating stages. I don't doubt his interest and the desire to see if there is something more meaningful before it turns to physical.

 

I am one of those that becomes very attached when it becomes sexual. Even when that person is a really bad choice for me. Backing out after the fact is doable but it certainly takes it's toll.

 

I won't see him the rest of the week because he is finishing up a job that has him working nights.

 

I also appreciate the space because it allows me the time to be more objective.

[WithLove]

Hey, it sounds like he's the one with all the "female" dating insecurities!

[reinventmyself]

Hey, it sounds like he's the one with all the "female" dating insecurities!

 

I know, huh. Better him then me

[notalady]

Good to hear he's opening up!

[happpybear]

Sounds good so far then!! I'm looking forward to updates

[reinventmyself]

Here's an update. . looks like he'll be referred for knee surgery.

He's texting me as if it changes anything because he'll be immobile for a while.

I told him to settle down because I am a pretty good nurse and I also told him he'll just have to sit still and actually talk to me now

Painful, I know. . hee hee

[reinventmyself]

This weekend I am expecting my friend from the South bay area, Steve. He flies in on Sunday midday and leaves Monday night.

 

I've had some reservations about this because of the lack of communication, the distance and being realistic about the possibility of it being anything other than a friendship due to these and other obstacles. I haven't seen him since 11/7.

When he was confirming his plans (which I honestly hadn't counted on happening) I had expressed to him in text, briefly my concerns.

From that moment on he's been calling and texting.

Today he emails me his itinerary and calls midday. He mentions the hotels jacuzzi among other things he would like to do and see. Pretty tall order for such a short turn around.

My last visit with him (business trip) I had to remind him more than once.. several times actually that we weren't going to be intimate.

I am trying not to get ahead of myself but why do I feel this will be an issue again? duh!

Maybe because I keep running into men that want casual sex??

 

Maybe this explains my attraction to (shy)Mark (figured I will say their first name due the serious unlikelihood of transparency) that he will barely kiss me in fear of being aroused.

I get that this has little to do with me. . just men being men . .all shapes and sizes. .

 

I haven't heard from Tim in almost 2 weeks. I think our last date confirmed things for both of us. There was this moment when he was paying for the movie tickets when he hesitated, possibly waiting for me to offer to pay. Seeing that we really haven't gotten very much further then out of the friend zone I wouldn't have a problem paying. (or otherwise) But I had already just seen the movie he insisted on seeing a couple days ago. I wasn't crazy with the idea of paying to see it again.

 

I've logged onto dating websites tonight to find him currently active on all. I am glad that I called this one the way I saw it. Not ready, not available. Sweet guy but not the one for me. . or I am not the one for him.

 

Mark had worked enough evening hours this week that he was off tonight and asked me to dinner. Call me vein but I hadn't washed my hair. .didn't like what I was wearing and didn't sleep well last night. I saw him 3 times this last weekend and he's texting. . a lot. Not too much. .but very borderline.

 

I was a little concerned that while he knew I was taking my mom out for the afternoon over the weekend for some shopping and a late lunch, he thought to text me more than once. Had it been me and considering the time we've been dating I would not have intruded. So having said all this. . .I passed on tonight saying I had plans. (errands and what not's but he didn't need to know this) I guess I needed to see if he would overstep this boundary again. Happy to report he hasn't and the evening's been quiet.

 

Ok. . I've rattled on long enough. My pillow is calling me. . .

[luminousone]

I meant to jump in here a few days ago- If you do end up getting closer to shy Mark then I think the poor guy needs to know that it is unhealthy for men to abstain from masturbation. It is important for the fluids to be moved through- otherwise he can be at risk for an infection.

 

Just happen to know that from when I was recovering from childbirth surgery and my (then) husband was bike commuting to and from work - the lack of "action" combined with the compression from his bike seat resulted in a whopper of an infection. Doctor's orders: move the fluid through once a day.

 

Not that you want to discuss that again right now. Just if you get to a point of becoming more physically intimate.

[notalady]

The texting thing isn't such a bad thing to me. Maybe I'm just on the insensitive/inconsiderate side lol, but I probably wouldn't have given it much thought either if I was to text my date even if I knew they were with people (or at work), as I don't expect a response right away or any time soon knowing they are with people or busy, and I kind of assume they wouldn't respond if they are busy, so it's just sort of a message sitting there for them read and reply to whenever they see fit (like an email). I do understand though if the other person feel "obligated" or courteous to respond quickly whenever they get a message and would probably feel disrupted in that case.

 

As for friend Steve, why are you friends if he keeps trying to sleep with you

[reinventmyself]

I meant to jump in here a few days ago- If you do end up getting closer to shy Mark then I think the poor guy needs to know that it is unhealthy for men to abstain from masturbation. It is important for the fluids to be moved through- otherwise he can be at risk for an infection.

 

Just happen to know that from when I was recovering from childbirth surgery and my (then) husband was bike commuting to and from work - the lack of "action" combined with the compression from his bike seat resulted in a whopper of an infection. Doctor's orders: move the fluid through once a day.

 

Not that you want to discuss that again right now. Just if you get to a point of becoming more physically intimate.

 

I wondered the same thing. It can't be healthy.

Our conversation regarding this was seeing I knew a little about the Mormon religion I had to ask if he had sex outside of marriage just so I get the full picture.

After all he hasn't practiced the religion since he was young and I wondered why he honored one aspect (masturbation) but not others such as sex and alcohol.

Apparently due to his strict upbringing he isn't able to be `successful' at the act of masturbation, not for the lack of trying -never-. More of a mental block I suppose.

Why did this shy guy share this with me? . In his own way he was preparing me for what sex might be like the first time. . So much for shyness, right? .lol

[reinventmyself]

 

As for friend Steve, why are you friends if he keeps trying to sleep with you

 

Good question. . I'll answer that one next week

[WithLove]

No masturbation? Poor guy! No wonder he's so shy..... He's probably like a rocket, just waiting for one small spark...!

[reinventmyself]

No masturbation? Poor guy! No wonder he's so shy..... He's probably like a rocket, just waiting for one small spark...!

 

yah. . makes me a little nervous

[happpybear]

Yeah, I also am not sure how on earth he gets by without masturbating...I think, it would probably be a good idea to slowly ease yourselves into the physical stuff because I could see it being a bit odd at first...and don't mean to be rude there, just I can see a situation where he can't last at all--because like withlove said, he is probably going to explode from deprivation--and then he'll get really shy and embarrassed about it.

[reinventmyself]

Yeah, I also am not sure how on earth he gets by without masturbating...I think, it would probably be a good idea to slowly ease yourselves into the physical stuff because I could see it being a bit odd at first...and don't mean to be rude there, just I can see a situation where he can't last at all--because like withlove said, he is probably going to explode from deprivation--and then he'll get really shy and embarrassed about it.

 

. .and this is exactly what he warned me may happen. Probably explains why he barely kisses me and bolts out the door as fast as he can.

Oh geez . .this should be interesting!

[happpybear]

This explains a whoooole lot. Poor guy can't handle himself around you at all, hehe

[testcase]

No masturbation! That's crazy. Well maybe when he was married he was having sex daily so it wasn't an issue. I would imagine abstaining from masturbation would make your sex drive go through the roof!

[luminousone]

I wondered the same thing. It can't be healthy.

Our conversation regarding this was seeing I knew a little about the Mormon religion I had to ask if he had sex outside of marriage just so I get the full picture.

After all he hasn't practiced the religion since he was young and I wondered why he honored one aspect (masturbation) but not others such as sex and alcohol.

Apparently due to his strict upbringing he isn't able to be `successful' at the act of masturbation, not for the lack of trying -never-. More of a mental block I suppose.

Why did this shy guy share this with me? . In his own way he was preparing me for what sex might be like the first time. . So much for shyness, right? .lol

 

That is really kind of sad...

 

There are a few things that might be helpful to him, if it should ever come up in conversation. There is a very good book called "The Joy of Sex" by Dr. Alex Comfort. I guess, since he has been married then surely he knows about sex. But this book covers a lot of territory in a very non-judgmental and matter of fact way, which might be helpful for him.

 

Another idea is a very sound program called "Our Whole Lives". It is a program that has been around for over 30 years (but has been updated as needed). It is a program for people on human development and sex ed., relationship skills, setting boundaries, gender issues, healthy sexual practices, our bodies, birth control, std's, etc.

 

The whole premise of the program is that our bodies have a beautiful part and that is the sexual part and our (at least in the US) culture has a difficult time acknowledging that in a healthy way.

 

The program is run jointly by the Unitarian Universalist church and the United church of Christ. However, where my 2 atheist sons went through the program they welcomed them and made no reference to faith. So it was a great program for each of them!!

 

Anyhow, I know that they also have an adult class as well as for kids. So he might be interested in taking part in the class. It is so well done- I was very very impressed!

 

Here is a link to more information:

 

link removed

 

I realize that you will not want to swoop in to be a "savior" for this guy. But- I am sending you the info anyhow.

 

And- from what I understand (so I have been told) he may want to know that often guys choose to masturbate just before a date (that they are not yet intimate with), so that they can really focus on the date at hand rather than their urges...

[reinventmyself]

Not to be confused with being inexperienced.

He's been married twice, 23 years collectively.

 

Thanks for the info! I will check the link

[reinventmyself]

So . . I saw Mark both Fri and Sat evening. Saturday I was a little tired and suggested a home cooked meal and a video. Marks response `Heck no, I want to take you out and show you off'

After a nap and hot shower I rallied and had a nice night.

 

All my concerns about his being reserved and nervous and how that may translate in the bedroom were all for nothing. .lol

Saturday night we were having a conversation and I told him his reservations were becoming contagious and I was beginning to second guess us as a couple as well. After all when you think about it you would want a man at least be little confident and taking the lead or at some point a women is going to begin to lose interest or at least begin to doubt.

 

Well. . the rest is history. . Let's just say `I didn't think he had it in him and I was pretty surprised'. . I think he may have interpreted my comment as a challenge. It wasn't intended. . but so be it

 

My friend Steve from the SF area flew in Sunday and I took him back to the airport last night. Needless to say I am at work this morning and dragging my tail a little.

 

I've known Steve for about a year and in between the distance and schedules we don't speak often but text maybe once a week a short hello.

Again I am surprised that we spend the entire day together and romance with him is not even on my radar. There is no romantic chemistry and he doesn't flirt or try to hold my hand in any way yet when the evening is over he comes on strong sexually. It doesn't feel romantic. It only feels like someone trying to get laid. This is the third time this has happened with him.

 

I left him at his hotel after having him practically trying to molest me in the parking lot and frustrated that we are now committed to a 12 hour day the following day.

He actually sorta stormed off. . maybe. Can't tell it but it wasn't a warm send off, that's for sure.

 

I picked him up for breakfast yesterday and it ended up an enjoyable day. . a lot of windshield time and several hours at some beautiful wineries in the rain, ending with the great dinner. Still no romance or chemistry and I think he may be confused as to why I am not interested in anything other than friendship. I am not confused though. It just don't work that way for me and there is absolutely nothing warm and fuzzy about this man.

 

At the airport he is suggesting returning in 6 weeks. I find myself saying a reluctant. . 'sure?' while I was probably shaking my head no.

[reinventmyself]

. .so going forward I will continue to date Mark . . exclusively.

 

He keeps sneaking up on the GF title. .though playfully but not very subtle.

 

Considering the time we've known each other `dating exclusively' seems appropriate and we have crossed over into being intimate.

 

At what time do two people refer to each other as bf and gf?

 

And how far gone am I that I don't know the difference. . lol

[notalady]

Congrats on the progress with Mark!! Good to hear he's stepped up his game and came out of his shell hehe...

 

There is no set time for the bf/gf status, I feel like whenever you feel comfortable with that title, is the right time. If that is not now then wait on it. I agreed to bf/gf status after one and half months haha... So all up to how you feel about it!

 

As for Steve, I think it's best to actually clarify with him that you are not interested in anything more than friends, as I feel like there is a miscommunication there and he thinks he still has a chance with you (even if it is just to get laid). Or simply tell him you are seeing someone exclusively, that way he knows not to try anything next time.

[testcase]

Ya. He'll probably cancel his trip too. Good job with Mark! Went from being super shy and timid to intimate quickly. I'm glad he realized he was losing your interest and stepped it up. Even if you had to tell him! lol

[reinventmyself]

As of late Mark keeps playfully dropping the `girlfriend' word and I can tell he's testing me. I play it off and don't take him seriously. The more I do this the more he brings it up. Yesterday while texting he brought it up a couple times and pretty much put it out there. I told him that we should save this conversation until when we see each other tomorrow night.

 

He went dark for a few hours and came back with a lengthy text telling me he could tell I would shut down when he would bring up the subject about bf/gf titles.

Suffice to say we had this conversation thru text.

 

I shared with him that I am not dating anyone else other than him and don't care to. That it's only been a month and we are still getting to know one another. Yes, we had sex and that does change things but I would only consider calling someone my bf after which time I felt we were in love with each other and I can safely say at this point we are not. ? (I am not)

 

He said he was looking for a little bit more of a commitment and apologized for being `such a girl' about it.

 

Funny to be on the other side of the situation. . Now I can relate to what it feels like when typically us girls are pressing for titles and commitment.

I also shared with him when someone pushes me for something I am not ready for, or thinking about, I tend to push back.

 

I took the train yesterday to one of my company's other offices and came back to the train station to find that Mark had found my car in the parking lot and left me a rose on my windshield. I tend to spook easily (mostly because I haven't made good choices in men) so I had a mix of concern and appreciation at the same time. .

I did bounce this off of my best friend and my mother. . They both thought it was sweet.

 

So this is where I am at today. I feel my interest dialed back and distancing myself and trying to find some balance.

[notalady]

Does he go to that station as well or did he specifically went there to find your car to leave the rose? Lol... Sounds like he's trying too hard to impress, and might push you away more if he keeps this up (and with the title thing. Hopefully he has taken what you said into account and won't push for the title more).