No attraction. Should I let this one go?

[notalady]

Hi all, I'm back to seek more dating advice. This is a new guy. We've been friends for a long time (not the same guy that I mentioned in one of my previous threads, if anyone was wondering). He's a lovely guy, physically attractive, total gentleman. More superficial things, he's well educated and has a good job, seems to be a homely person and wants to settle down etc, overall a "good on paper" guy.

 

He asked me out recently, and I said yes. So we've been on three dates now. I have a good time with him but I don't feel attracted to him. He kissed me on the second date, unfortunately he was a bad kisser (I don't mean a "less than fireworks" kiss, or just that we have different styles. It was really bad). I tried to tell him what I preferred, it got better for a little bit then back to bad. Same thing again on the third date. This obviously isn't helping me feel more attracted to him.

 

I'm feeling a bit conflicted whether I should just end this now because it's not working for me, or should I give it more time to see if attraction/feelings develop, but at the same time I feel like three dates should be sufficient to know if you will ever feel attracted to someone, I'm not entirely sure, especially since we've been friends for a long time, I don't know if that's making any difference to how I feel.

 

I have other dating options but I kind of feel bad that I'm passing up a perfectly good guy, when it's hard as it is to find a decent, nice guy with LTR potential, it kind of feels like I'm passing up an opportunity, like, what if we are actually compatible but I'm just letting it go without spending enough time to find out, because there's no initial spark.

 

I can't help but question myself what the hell is wrong with you that you can't feel attracted to a nice guy like that, I know attraction works in mysterious ways and if it's not there it's not there, but I can't help feeling this way.

 

My question is has anyone had experiences where you weren't initially attracted to someone but attraction developed over time? What would you do in this situation? Other than that, I guess I'm also looking for some words of encouragement/wisdom

[missmarple]

Well, in most of my long term relationships attraction developed over time. I think out of 5-6 serious relationships I've had in my life only 1 was a matter of instant attraction (my ex husband). The rest were guys I had been friends with first...and, actually, my best relationship (which wasn't my ex husband) was with someone I'd known for almost a year before we got together and who I never thought I could be attracted to initially.

 

However, there's a difference. In those cases things evolved naturally and we both approached each other at the same time. In your case, the guy is attracted to you and you're not attracted to him. I would say that, at this point, 3 dates are enough to know. Good on paper means nothing when the guy kisses you and you feel nothing. I would tell him we're better suited as friends.

[amipushy]

Three dates and no spark = goodbye. You risk using him and breaking his heart if you continue to date him and pretend things are fine.

 

He's not the one for you. Don't waste both your time.

[gdgfx]

Hi notalady, can I just a simple question?

Why did you decide to date a man based on superficial reasons? And because you have, you now have paid the price of ultimately feeling what no-one wants to feel and that's rejection and discontent. And it's no wonder, you chose this guy because like you said, 'on paper' he has ALL the attributes but does he really have ALL the attributes? You want long-term stability so you find a man that's got money and a decent job? You want to feel secure so you find a man that is well educated? Can't you see what's happened here, you've based this entire situation on shallow things, things that don't make a man deep down. Sure, being well educated properly means he isn't a welfare stealing alcoholic or a recovering drug addict but then again, aren't you looking for love in the human kind? And not love in the form of cashable cheques, credit cards and fancy academic parties full of intellect and bravado. That's all good and merry, if that's what YOU want but clearly you got lost along the way and bit off more than you can chew, fair enough you probably genuinely felt you had a connection with this guy but the reason what drew you to him in the first place seemed to be were aspects that don't make a man loveable, that don't define his inner being.

 

You wanted this to work because, 'on paper' it's perfect, it's meant to be, this man is everything you thought you wanted. But now you've maybe realised that perfection comes in many different ways and it doesn't matter how much money a man has or how high up the job rostrum he is or what car he drives or what university he graduated from. What matters, is where you feel a connection with him and that should be more than skin deep and I'm not saying you are a 'gold digger' or your head is full of grandiose thoughts of settling down with a successful man in a big house and having many babies with him, the reality of it all... is no matter what, if you don't have feelings for this man then, well, you don't have feelings for him! And that halts everything in your path.

 

I think you should go back to the drawing board, really think about how you to want to be happy and what makes you happy. And remember love is more powerful than ANY amount of money, I mean, look at Robin Williams, that guy had a good wad of cash that could of helped to end world poverty in dozens of country, perhaps not end it all, but a few million? Could probably build a few cities with basic amenities in the worlds poorest countries, take that into consideration, he's dead now. Money doesn't count for anything. And neither does success. What counts is the inner beauty of someone, the person you just WANT to wake up to in a morning and go to sleep to. The person you can tell anything too and he won't judge you for it, the main real reasons of love you will only discover if you open your mind and look for deeper things and then you'll allow yourself to be driven to a person on more than a skin-deep level, you'll be driven sub-consciously, emotionally, mentally and physically to him and well, if it's meant to be then it, will, be.

 

I think you are best off ending this budding relationship, because it only seems like you are going to regret going any further and end up in a relationship that pains you rather than makes you happy. And when you want to find love, don't go looking for it in fairytale books, don't go looking for it in women's magazines, in the latest erotic novel because it's all based on fiction, on ideology, on a preconceived notion that perfect people do exist when in reality, we all have our flaws and we all have our strengths and strengths come from deep within, more than any bank account will ever be hold.

 

But on the flip side, if you do fall in love with a man you dream up on a night then best of luck to you, the chances are, you can fall in love this way, but it has to be natural. And if it isn't then it's not real. There has to be a connection there. Hope I helped

[happpybear]

I think you gave it a fair shot and should stop now. You are just not into him, and I bet that won't change. But I think it is just a matter of chemistry--which is just not there for you. Don't feel bad, he does sound like a lovely person, just not the right guy for you. I give myself a three date rule for men that are "good on paper" for me, usually by date three (sometimes two) we have kissed, if I am still feeling no chemistry after a few dates and kissing, then I know that I need to move on.

 

The only situation where I have had attraction happen over time was with friends that I had known for awhile. Initially, I felt nothing for them, but then with time and comfort, I started to see something in them that I hadn't seen before and then started crushing. But that is different from your situation.

[catfeeder]

I've developed attraction over time, but not by forcing myself to kiss before I was attracted. I'd skip that, remain affectionate and date if you enjoy him otherwise, but drop him if you really don't enjoy your time together.

[SooSad33]

By sounds of it, he is NOT potential of a LTR for YOU. You admit it's missing something. No spark.

[ParisPaulette]

It's been three dates, there's no growing attraction, it's time to end things and walk away. And that being a bad kisser--at least for you--is a clear dealbreaker. I once tried to date a guy I wasn't that attracted to who was a bad kisser for a month. It got to the point where I felt ill every time he even touched me, so yeah I ended things.

 

I'm not one for insta-relationships, but still there should be a growing desire to be with them. And anything that repulses you physically I long ago found is something that just can't be willed away, it only gets worse. Sorry, let him go now. He may be a great guy and all, just not for you.

[Sportster2005]

Never in a dating context. By two or three dates I'm pretty sure. I did develop attraction for a friend once. It was over months, and we weren't dating. It wasn't mutual.

 

My last LTR used the same 'good on paper' line. She wanted us to work so bad because I was good on paper. But after nine months she had to let me go. She just wasn't feeling it. Well she felt something, but not enough to keep me around. After our first kiss she admitted it wasn't that great. She said she would be so frustrated if she didn't feel it and I was just good on paper. I should have left then and saved myself the heart ache. But then again we did have some good times, and she tried. Sometimes a heart break isn't so bad. At least you know you still have one, O.K. I'm digressing a bit

[t1lersm0m1]

I didn't read any replies as I don't want my advice to mirror anyone else's. I honestly think if you've given it three dates, then you've given it a fair shot. If you aren't feeling it, you can't force it. You honestly can't fake or force chemistry. You either have it or don't. And it sounds to me like you guys don't. As good as he is on paper, you just can't fake/force the physical connection. Even though he is physically attractive (based on your description), doesn't make him physically attractive to you.

[notalady]

Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts and your experiences. I agree with some of you that I did give it a fair shot, which was my initial intention anyway when he asked me out. Sometimes friendship can grow into more, sometimes it can't, you don't know until you gave it a shot. That's sort of how he phrased it too - wanted to see if our friendship could blossom into something more (I assume there were some attraction on his part to even ask that in the first place), and I was open to that idea so I said yes. I didn't expect it to move so fast (he kissed me) already by the second date. Perhaps if we did spend more time together without physical side of things, just as friends maybe, it may have given me a chance to develop feelings for him and see him in a different light, rather than rushing into it. But the kissing was bad (twice), so I guess it's good to find out early lol..

 

I guess the follow up question is, any suggestions on how to let him down easy? He messaged me yesterday saying he thinks about me all the time (this was after just three dates lol..), I'm definitely ending it but some ideas from you guys of what's a good way to frame it would be nice.

 

Also in person or on the phone (not in text of course)? If it's in person that means I would have to set up a date, and might get his hopes up for nothing.

[gdgfx]

Just tell him the truth, tell him how you feel and that's all you need to do. Saying anything more than that is just pointless. You've been on three dates and if he thinks about you all the time then he can't have much going for him in terms of a social life and that's not a good sign because down the line he could become needy and controlling. Tell him it's only been three dates and you don't know each other yet so if he has fallen for you then he's fallen for the wrong reasons, tell him to be happy and that someone will come along soon and that's it really, just be friendly and upfront and do what you have to do

 

And in terms of how you go about it, it doesn't really matter. It's not like you have an obligation to meet with him and end this, it's nothing serious, you aren't together, there is no depth to this, you were dating, you don't feel attracted to him anymore and so maybe texting him will be enough or even just ringing him. Maybe meeting him up is too dramatic and uncalled for because like I said, you have no obligation to meet up like it's some sort of last hurrah before life starts again, 3 dates, just remember that and stay strong.

[catfeeder]

This was 3 dates, the phone is fine.

[notalady]

Update: I did the cowardly thing and ended it in a text (albeit a well crafted one) lol! Luckily he responded well and we wished each other all the best in finding the right person and agreed to not let it affect our friendship. Thanks all for your input

[Ms Darcy]

At least you did it. Congrats.

[Fudgie]

I'm glad you told him and he was okay with it. Maybe you can still be friends.

 

A while ago, I did meet a guy (through friends though, not in a dating context) who was probably "perfect on paper" for me. So "perfect on paper" that one of my best friends (who knew him before I met him) told me upon finding out that he and I had met that she had thought before "Wow, if only Fudgie knew this guy, they're perfect for each other." Ugh. I am not attracted to him at all. He is rather sedentary and obese and I don't want to be with someone like that considering that I used to be that way. It really repels me on a deep level that I can't really articulate. When I have obese (not just overweight, obese) men hit on me, I do have an irrational feeling of "I used to be fat, why would I consider someone like you?!". See, attraction doesn't always make sense.

 

It doesn't matter how "good on paper" someone is, if you do not have at least SOME initial attraction, it's a no-go. Yes, attraction can build and deepen over time but you need to have a good amount in the beginning to start the relationship off. You can't start from little or nothing and have it grow. That's just not how it works.

[notalady]

Thanks for the words of encouragement guys. I'm sure we'll still be friends, we were never close friends but friends nonetheless for 8 years, hopefully 8 years of friendship doesn't just crumble after 3 dates lol.. If it does, oh well it's probably not worth my time to begin with.