Rude ?

[tadpole3]

Need to know if I am being overly sensitive or not. Since I have received a lot of good advice on this website, I will defer to what you all say! A man who has been a friend asked me out (FINALLY!). He took me to a venue that a co-worker of his (married woman) had suggested. The venue was a band at a hall.

She also was there, with her husband and several friends. They sat at a table nearby our table. She knew we were on a "date". She came over, introduced us to her husband and a friend of theirs (Which was fine). All during the evening, during the extremely loud music, she came over and engaged my date in conversation, whereby she was on the other side of him from me, so that had to talk close and out of my ability to hear (due to the loud music). So basically, they conversed (at length) to my exclusion.

I found this extremely rude. I felt like first of all, she was rude to do that so many times during our date, and secondly, he was rude not to try to include me in the conversation. For example, he could turn to me and say, "Jill tells me such and such about this band..." instead of turning his back to me so that he can talk to her.

I understand she felt "responsible" that he had a good time since she suggested this place. And if she wanted to say "I hope you are enjoying it" to BOTH of us, and then go back to her table, that is fine. I am not anti-social. OK ... 'nuff said. Your opinions will mean a lot to me.

THANKS!

[jjkk]

Yes, rude!

[missmarple]

She's rude and he's rude, too. I wouldn't go on another date with this guy.

[greta96]

Very rude.

[happyplace]

Yup, rude. Probably some office flirtation going on and she felt like you were treading on her turf. And he didn't care enough about the date to let it bother him. What was her husband doing anyway?

[cryingalways]

Haha yeah what was the husband doing?!

[t1lersm0m1]

Yes, rude on both of their parts, but more so his part for not saying, "Hey can we catch up at work? I'm trying to get to know so and so."

[tadpole3]

Glad to know I read the situation correctly. Mismarple, yes, I was trying to get a read on the event to determine if I should continue dating this guy, which I won't. Happyplace, thanks for a guy's perspective! The husband was with the group of people is all I can say. I did feel like even though she was overbearing, my date had the responsibility of putting his foot down, which he didn't. Good perspective to hear what you all had to say!! Thanks, as always, it is good to get the objective viewpoint.

[DancingFool]

You said that you were friends before he asked you out? So it's not like a typical first date of let's talk and get to know each other because we are virtual strangers. Seems like the venue itself wasn't exactly date friendly and more suited for casual hanging out. If you like him, then give him this one pass for making a poor date venue choice. If things continue to be weird or the next date is not any better, drop him.

[HeartGoesOn]

While I agree that it was rude, I wouldn't call it a deal breaker without giving him another chance. I would definitely bring it up when/if you decide to see him again, and pay close attention to his reaction before making a decision.

[happyplace]

I'm all for second chances, so I say even though it was pretty rude, give him one if you'd like, but consider it a probational date and then tread lightly after that. If it was that easy to do what he did (even though you guys were friends prior, it was still a date) it might just be a sign of things to come. Best of luck

[SoulTaker]

While I agree that it was rude, I wouldn't call it a deal breaker without giving him another chance. I would definitely bring it up when/if you decide to see him again, and pay close attention to his reaction before making a decision.

 

I agree. The OP bears some responsibility in this in that she agreed to the dating venue. You never want to choose a place, or event where the event becomes the main attraction, and not the date itself.

 

The place should be somewhere (casual) in which the two of you can have a stress-free conversation. Also, for the first date (or two), you shouldn't have any friends/relatives around that could be a distraction.

[missmarple]

I agree. The OP bears some responsibility in this in that she agreed to the dating venue. You never want to choose a place, or event where the event becomes the main attraction, and not the date itself.

 

The place should be somewhere (casual) in which the two of you can have a stress-free conversation. Also, for the first date (or two), you shouldn't have any friends/relatives around that could be a distraction.

 

He was the one who asked her out. It was his responsibility to choose a place where they could have a stress-free conversation. Also, the woman was his friend, so, again, it was his responsibility to make sure there wouldn't be distractions around.

 

If a guy asks me out, he'd better be able/clever/thoughtful/whatever enough, to consider those things himself. If he doesn't...tough. Next.

[tadpole3]

Thanks again folks! More food for thought on second chances.

[Batya33]

I would give one more chance but probational -love that description.

[SpottiOtti]

I think maybe he wasn't thinking on his feet and didn't want to be rude to the coworker who told him about the place. It sounds like she was rude and he was caught up in it. I would give him another chance and make sure he knows how his behavior made me feel. However, your description of his behavior, along with him "finally" asking you out (implies he was too oblivious or scared to do it sooner) and his picking a poor venue based on another person's recommendation, might signify that he is too passive or can't think for himself. So I'd watch out for that.

[weathergirl]

Need to know if I am being overly sensitive or not. Since I have received a lot of good advice on this website, I will defer to what you all say! A man who has been a friend asked me out (FINALLY!). QUOTE]

 

Since you said you were "friends," are you sure it was actually a "date" and not just him needing a friend to go with him?

 

If it was actually a date, then I agree with the others, he was completely rude. But again wondering what he said that led you think it was a date and not just a friend thing.

[redswim30]

Rude? I'm not so sure. I think you may be overly sensitive here.

 

This was a first date, yes? And you outright agreed to go to a place that you knew he had friends at and was definitely going to be loud and not private?

 

Sorry, but I think some of this is on you since you agreed to go there instead of a quite place where just the two of you could talk. But maybe he's not ready for that yet. Maybe he wanted to see what you would be like in a social setting?

 

Being left out is sometimes a two road street. Can people be exclusionary? Sure they can. HOWEVER, you always have the choice to include yourself. For example, I have to wonder why you didn't go closer to him? Or ask him to dance? Or to go outside for a minute so you could hear him?

Could you possibly have suggested that you guys for a drink somewhere else and chat?

 

IMVHO, you were being slightly oversensitive. I would let it go. Since you aren't really a "couple" yet, I would not get too confrontational about it.

Did he possibly use a little bad judgment, yes maybe. But I'd give him another chance in a different setting.

If you go out again, suggest someplace quiet and private. Now, if the rudeness became regular, then it would be time to have a chat.

[weathergirl]

I would still like to know what made her think it was a "date" rather than a friend asking another friend to go somewhere. She did say up until that point, they were "friends."

 

I only ask this because a good friend of mine had a crush on this guy for the longest time, and we were all friends. We usually all got together as a group but he needed someone to attend a function with him, and being that they were both single at the time (not in relationships with other people)... he asked her as a "friend" to go with him. She got all excited assuming it was a "date," when all he intended was for her to accompany him to this event as a friend.

 

Not saying that's what happened here...but unless he clearly stated it was a "date" and not just two friends going someplace together, I am wondering if it "was" actually a date.

 

Maybe the OP will return and clarify for us (me)?

[Natasha24]

You said that you were friends before he asked you out? So it's not like a typical first date of let's talk and get to know each other because we are virtual strangers. Seems like the venue itself wasn't exactly date friendly and more suited for casual hanging out. If you like him, then give him this one pass for making a poor date venue choice. If things continue to be weird or the next date is not any better, drop him.

 

I agree with this. Awkward venue choice, even if that other woman wasn't butting in. Go on another date. If he stills seems off, then don't go out with him again.

[tadpole3]

Good questions and advice. He mentioned to me that he had told this coworker about me, that he wanted to date me, to get closer; she suggested this place. It was supposed to be outdoors, but since it rained, they brought it inside. I think outdoors would not have been so noisy, and he knew I liked doing things outdoors, generally speaking. I did NOT know she was going to be there however, until she arrived. As far as causing the exclusion, like I said, it was very noisy...the only way I could include myself was to have stood up, gone around the table and stuck my ear between them! She could have come around to between us, he could have said something to include me. But like was pointed out, I have no claim on this man, and what it would've taken to be included in the conversation would have seemed butting in on my part or perhaps being nosy, whether they were being rude or not. But if this is how someone acts when he wants to get to know me better, will it get better or worse? At this point whether I continued dating him or not is a secondary issue, I primarily wanted to know whether I was being too sensitive or they were really being rude.

[SoulTaker]

He was the one who asked her out. It was his responsibility to choose a place where they could have a stress-free conversation. Also, the woman was his friend, so, again, it was his responsibility to make sure there wouldn't be distractions around.

 

If a guy asks me out, he'd better be able/clever/thoughtful/whatever enough, to consider those things himself. If he doesn't...tough. Next.

 

I could care less over who asked to go out. It's her responsibility to change the venue if it's not to her liking. If the woman puts all of the dating on the man, and then later complains about it, then "Next".

 

This "he'd better be able..." crap doesn't go over well with most men. It reeks of arrogance. You have your style of dating, and I have mine.

[missmarple]

I could care less over who asked to go out. It's her responsibility to change the venue if it's not to her liking. If the woman puts all of the dating on the man, and then later complains about it, then "Next".

 

This "he'd better be able..." crap doesn't go over well with most men. It reeks of arrogance. You have your style of dating, and I have mine.

 

She never said it wasn't to her liking and it wasn't what you had said in your other post. You had said that she should have chosen a place where they could talk etc etc...and I said that logic says that the one who does the asking, chooses the place.

The OP didn't even know the place and I don't see how anyone can blame her for agreeing...and not him for suggesting it in the first place.

[SoulTaker]

She never said it wasn't to her liking and it wasn't what you had said in your other post. You had said that she should have chosen a place where they could talk etc etc...and I said that logic says that the one who does the asking, chooses the place.

The OP didn't even know the place and I don't see how anyone can blame her for agreeing...and not him for suggesting it in the first place.

 

MM, I stand by my statement. There's nothing logical about it. It's more of common sense. If you're dating someone, then both people should agree on a place where they can focus, and learn about each other. If you want to blame only the man, then that's you. We'll need to agree to disagree on this issue and move on.

[tadpole3]

The more I read responses about the venue, and who's responsibility it was; I feel more strongly that it was just plain rude. Because it made me think, what if we were at a nice quiet place, and a co-worker of his came over and just started whispering to him? Same difference. Or if a co-worker of mine came over to me, and started whispering, and I just allowed it to keep happening. I would have been guilty. Remember, this didn't happen just once, but several times. Now maybe if it had been quieter, I might have said something like, "Excuse me, you do know we are on a date" in a normal decibel, because screaming it (like it would've been necessary) would've seemed possessive.