bks123 Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 so me and hubby have been married for 5 years and 3 weeks ago he had a one night stand. it happened out of town and with someone neither of us knew. (some random at the pub). he confessed this to me as soon as he walked through the door. He knew and still does know what he done was unforgivable. ok so i need to make something very clear from the start. i have decided to make our marriage work, we have arrange to go to marriage counseling. what i need advice on is "how the hell do i get over it?" i have days where im pretty good then have days where every possible vision runs through my mind. this has NEVER happened prior to this. i want to just move past it but keep flashing back. deep down i feel that if i move on its kinda like saying to him "its ok but just dont do it again" i just really need some good honest advice Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 Why did he do this? What was his rationale? And why would he not do it again? Link to comment
bks123 Posted August 18, 2014 Author Share Posted August 18, 2014 He cant even get his head around as to why he did this. im not saying he would never do it again. but i do not believe in the saying "once a cheat always a cheat" Link to comment
Seraphim Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 It is very good that he confessed right away. I believe when someone confesses immediately and wants to overcome this and is extremely remorseful and prepared to work on regaining your trust then a marriage can be saved. Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 He cant even get his head around as to why he did this. im not saying he would never do it again. but i do not believe in the saying "once a cheat always a cheat" personally, i would need to know WHY he did it, to try to get past it. He has to explain why he did it (even if the answer is "She was hot and you've gained 50 pounds since I met you.") Because if he can't verbalize WHY he did it, how can he prove it wouldn't happen again? Link to comment
bamboobam Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 It is very good that he confessed right away. I believe when someone confesses immediately and wants to overcome this and is extremely remorseful and prepared to work on regaining your trust then a marriage can be saved. I agree with this and knowing why he did this is very important as well. Link to comment
bks123 Posted August 18, 2014 Author Share Posted August 18, 2014 he has said that the only reason he could even think of is this..... I have 3 kids from a prev relationship, he has always wanted children of his own and i am not able to have any more. he thinks that maybe deep down he was hoping to get her pregnant so he could have a baby of his own. Link to comment
bks123 Posted August 18, 2014 Author Share Posted August 18, 2014 i just need the advise on how to get past this. i want to put it behind me but how do i get the visions out of my mind? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 i just need the advise on how to get past this. i want to put it behind me but how do i get the visions out of my mind? The only thing that will cure that is time. Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 he has said that the only reason he could even think of is this..... I have 3 kids from a prev relationship, he has always wanted children of his own and i am not able to have any more. he thinks that maybe deep down he was hoping to get her pregnant so he could have a baby of his own. errr, that is a much more serious reason than "I was drunk and she was hot." Did you guys discuss the kids thing beforehand?? And he didn't use a condom? I would not have sex with him for 3 months until his HIV test comes back clean. He's exposed you to STDs now. Link to comment
bks123 Posted August 18, 2014 Author Share Posted August 18, 2014 errr, that is a much more serious reason than "I was drunk and she was hot." Did you guys discuss the kids thing beforehand?? And he didn't use a condom? I would not have sex with him for 3 months until his HIV test comes back clean. He's exposed you to STDs now. i am fully aware of this. Link to comment
sk22545 Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 he has said that the only reason he could even think of is this..... I have 3 kids from a prev relationship, he has always wanted children of his own and i am not able to have any more. he thinks that maybe deep down he was hoping to get her pregnant so he could have a baby of his own. This sounds like BS to me. It's probably more likely that he is secretly angry at you for not being "able" to give him more children, and he's now acting out in a very childish fashion. I highly recommend going to a therapist together. Link to comment
jjkk Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 i just need the advise on how to get past this. i want to put it behind me but how do i get the visions out of my mind? It takes time. You have to distract yourself every time you start going into the thoughts about it. Figure out a few good affirmations and repeat them when you start envisioning what happened. Nip this in the bud quickly so you don't get caught up in obsessive thinking about it. It's still important to talk about it but focus on your feelings and how things are going between you from here on out, not speculating what went down w/ the one night stand. DON'T get details from him. Remember what you imagine is FAR more intense than what actually happened. Allow yourself to grieve. I'm sure there's books available that give advice and tips on how to move on from something like this. When you're talking through and processing your feelings, focus on YOU and your healing process. Figure you what YOU need him to do to reassure and regain your trust and ask for it. Don't be embarrassed to ask for what you need, even if sometimes it may seem petty or ridiculous. Having been through something similar to this, this is what worked for me, especially helpful was the affirmations and distractions when I started having obsessive thoughts. It gets better over time. Hugs to you! Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 I know you want to just move past it. Going to marriage counseling is a good step, and it's also a good step that he came clean. But you can't just sweep this under the rug and try to forget about it, because his actions have real consequences (what if this woman actually gets pregnant and decides to keep the baby?????) Yes, it will take time to move on, and it will take time to learn the results of his actions that night. Does he have her contact information? Does she have his? Link to comment
Iggles Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 he has said that the only reason he could even think of is this..... I have 3 kids from a prev relationship, he has always wanted children of his own and i am not able to have any more. he thinks that maybe deep down he was hoping to get her pregnant so he could have a baby of his own. Eek! If that's the case, you have larger issues than a one night stand! He wants to have a biological child and has repressed this desire in order to stay in the marriage.. The two of you need to discuss this further. Link to comment
bks123 Posted August 18, 2014 Author Share Posted August 18, 2014 @JJKK Thankyou. what you said is all i need to hear. we set aside 1hr each night to just talk about it. after that it is done for the day and we carry on. we are seeing a MC next week and i am seeing one on my own this week. his appointment is in 2 weeks for his own. i do love him with all my heart and i do know that he loves me will all of his. he was stupid and god knows what was going through his mind at the time. only he will ever know that, and a part of me doesnt want to know. Link to comment
bks123 Posted August 18, 2014 Author Share Posted August 18, 2014 I know you want to just move past it. Going to marriage counseling is a good step, and it's also a good step that he came clean. But you can't just sweep this under the rug and try to forget about it, because his actions have real consequences (what if this woman actually gets pregnant and decides to keep the baby?????) Yes, it will take time to move on, and it will take time to learn the results of his actions that night. Does he have her contact information? Does she have his? No he doesnt have her details or her have his. he didnt even know her name. she lives in another town. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 I'd need to know 3 things: 1) Why he did it. If it 'just happened' then it can just happen again--I'd need a reason. 2) How he can assure both me and himself that it will never happen again. 3) What's in it for me if it does happen again? For instance, would he see a lawyer with me and draw up an agreement that if it ever happens again, I get the house? If he's not willing to do that, then he's making room for the idea that it could happen again. Link to comment
bks123 Posted August 18, 2014 Author Share Posted August 18, 2014 he has but things in place to make sure this never happens again. i DO believe him when he says he is sorry and it wont happen again. it wasnt like he was "caught", he confessed to me right away. i would never get lawyers involved, there is no need for that. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 No he doesnt have her details or her have his. he didnt even know her name. she lives in another town. So you may never know if she got pregnant or not? That is scary!! I know you want to work through it and I can see that he confessed but there are bigger issues at play here than just infidelity. Will he EVER be happy without a biological child, truly? I agree with everyone that has said marriage counselling. I hope you can rebuild your marriage. Link to comment
lerenard Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 This is the craziest bullsh*tiest reason for a one night stand! If that is truly his reason - how can he promise you that it will never happen again? If he still want that child of his own and you cant give him any? Something doesn't add up here. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 OK, I think you are doing the right thing by seeing a counselor. But his reason is really odd.. who wants to impregnate some random woman he meet at a bar? That just isn't rational... something more is going on here beneath the surface, and I'm glad you can go to a marriage counselor to get to the bottom of it. Sometimes people will tell a lesser lie to try to prevent the consequences of a greater one... i.e., maybe he was having an affair with someone in another town and got her pregnant. So now he will allege it 'only happened once' in an attempt to avoid your wrath. So you definitely need to get to the bottom of this because frankly he's mentally ill if he is trying to impregnate random women in bars, or the whole story hasn't come out yet. Link to comment
Lester Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 There still may be a shoe falling. btw, People are funny; and people are really funny when it comes to money. Link to comment
Longview01 Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 he has said that the only reason he could even think of is this..... I have 3 kids from a prev relationship, he has always wanted children of his own and i am not able to have any more. he thinks that maybe deep down he was hoping to get her pregnant so he could have a baby of his own. Oh my god...this is a huge problem Honestly tho it sounds like a massive lie and a way to project his infidelity onto you. Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 he has said that the only reason he could even think of is this..... I have 3 kids from a prev relationship, he has always wanted children of his own and i am not able to have any more. he thinks that maybe deep down he was hoping to get her pregnant so he could have a baby of his own. That's effed up. I'd rather hear it was because I was fat... because at least that's fixable. Link to comment
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