Diary Of A Redhead

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

By the way @yogacat and @dias! Please feel free to carry on the b*tchy approach discussion 🤣 I delight in it all even if I’m not going to comment right now because Mammy has to rant… 🥲🤣 MUMS MAD! About - going on holiday 🤓
 

x

[Batya33]

I never see it as a "vacation" as we call it if my child is coming -if I enjoy too it's a bonus. It's  tons of extra work for me weeks in advance if it's international.  But I love doing this for my son and showing him the world - he's far more well traveled than I was by his age.  My first plane flight was to the other side of the world basically when I was almost 16!  My husband traveled a lot with his family -as educators his parents got less expensive charter flights during the summer and he got so much out of it.  But I am with you -and  the adjusting my expectations thing does help.

Good luck!!

[yogacat]

14 hours ago, mylolita said:

Move in closer, I’m gonna tell you one thing. It’s highly controversial. Shocking, even.
 

I absolutely hate holidays.

 

I’m sorry darlings, there’s not a thing I can do about it! 
 

I see the public chirpily, gleefully, OBSESSIVELY, planning their next trip. Will it be, ICELAND via recycled tin cans?! Swimming with dolphins in a man made lake in Dubai?! Wearing gold speedos in Manhattan? Drinking cocktails out of a shoe on a spa day with your Dad?!?!? TANNING IN TABET?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! 
 

Simply, for how adventurous I’m supposed to be, I’m a total, dry, languid, bore of a homebody. I really am. I nest, and I nest HARD.

 

So here we go, very, very reluctantly, packing for a week in the country. I have already made 8 threats and monologued for forty minutes into the wardrobe. I went out to the car talking to myself saying, “This is bullsh*t! God help me! I can’t take it!”

 

I should be thrilled and skipping around humming and yet, it’s nearly 1am, I have three suitcases I can’t close, clothes everywhere like the drawers have just spontaneously combusted, and I have to do everything I would normally do at home - cook, clean, entertain the kids, organise everyone, kiss away the boo boos, but without the comfort and minute away necessities of my sweet, sweet perch, right here. No, we need the blankets. We need the potties! We need some toys (it’s got to three bags?! WHAT THE FLIPPY DOODLES KIDS?!) I have a shoe bag, that’s got sandals to wellies, because hey, we’re holidaying in the delightful UK. Anything could happen in the next half hour. I’m absolutely DYING here. Dying. I throw my hands up dramatically and cry, “There’s nothing HERE for me D! I don’t have the outdoor stuff?! My mind isn’t in it!!!” (Oscar, please). And now the stupid happy once a year (this is going to be so much FUN don’t ruin it!) husband is lounging there in bed while I’m covered in moth balls and little floral shorts with polka dots, he has the nerve, the DEATH WISH, to say to me, yawning, “I think we should head off earlier tomorrow. Get a good start.” 
 

Like hell you will. DO YOU WANNA DIE?! 

 

He’s not, by the way. I told him I was going to have a panic attack. Then I told him actually, he can go early if he wants with the kids to meet my sister but, I’ll follow them up at my own leisure on the train or something, might get in the day after. Oh and; my arch nemeses, my pet peeve, the person who grinds my gears the most and the sight of her starts my cortisol pumping through my eye balls, my p*ss, excuse me, BOILING. It’s… ma sista. Tagging along, close quarters, all bought and paid for. I went out and did the food shopping today for them all. For the price of her accommodation, booze and meals, I could have hired a nanny who sung opera in Latin, French and Spanish, and Toby Stephens massaging my thighs. Instead, I have this gob sh*te at my heels for the week and I’m somehow PAYING for the privilege?! 
 

Please! 
 

I’m gone. Shipped off. 
 

You know what I like? I like days to the beach. I like woodland walks. I like putting the fire on and turning the music low. I like settling down with the three chiddlers, huddled around a nice painting set, watching them carve intricate, cute little figures, like dreams onto paper. I like lighting candles and buying flowers. I like cosy nights in with the husband, cocktails from the fridge, and ice by the bucket. I like the day to day. But, especially, just the one day. Not the week, not the four nights five days, not the fortnight - ONE DAY. One day, at a time. Here. 
 

You know what I don’t like?
 

HOLIDAYS. 
 

Show me a good one yet!!!!! Ohhhh it’s all fine when you’re 20 and just pluck your mini hold-all on up with your four bikinis and your kimono. All you have to worry about is where you’re gonna eat and how many martini’s is too many martinis!?
 

Next week, I will be like a stress filled hawk, in the crowds at swimming pools making sure they aren’t abducted or drowned. I’ll be on constant alert. Do this, he says, it’s just a fracture, he says! Broken femur! It is! Ohhh let’s do these quad bikes, yeah! Let’s go to the rafters and then take the chopper back to base?! 
 

How about, that’s fantastic for James Bond, but not for a 2 year old. How about, go please yourself, and I’ll be 100 miles away shopping for garden furniture, perfectly at peace, happy as a clam. Not on holiday, but clearing out the account all the same. In a good days work. 
 

I’ll need a holiday to get over this bloody holiday!!!!

 

Am I a grumpy diva? 
 

In the genius words of our modern deity Arianda Grande - YES! And?! 
 

x

I hear you, sister! Holidays are overrated and exhausting.

All that packing, planning, and dealing with family drama is just not my cup of tea. I much prefer my own little oasis at home, where I can nest and relax without worrying about anything else (my backyard, which I've shared pics with you). Being surrounded by familiar things and not having to constantly think about what to do next is pure bliss.

So no, you're not a grumpy diva – you're just someone who knows what she likes and doesn't like, and that's perfectly fine. Here's to staying home and enjoying life in our own way! Cheers!

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

I hear you, sister! Holidays are overrated and exhausting.

All that packing, planning, and dealing with family drama is just not my cup of tea. I much prefer my own little oasis at home, where I can nest and relax without worrying about anything else (my backyard, which I've shared pics with you). Being surrounded by familiar things and not having to constantly think about what to do next is pure bliss.

So no, you're not a grumpy diva – you're just someone who knows what she likes and doesn't like, and that's perfectly fine. Here's to staying home and enjoying life in our own way! Cheers!

Me too! But as a parent I've decided my son should see the world as much as possible so I suck it up for his benefit.  Other parents don't prioritize this and prioritize other things.  I do love to travel aside from the family stuff -I also love to see the world but need a balance with staycations too.  Now that my son is older my husband has started taking him on trips without me which is fabulous.

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Me too! But as a parent I've decided my son should see the world as much as possible so I suck it up for his benefit.  Other parents don't prioritize this and prioritize other things.  I do love to travel aside from the family stuff -I also love to see the world but need a balance with staycations too.  Now that my son is older my husband has started taking him on trips without me which is fabulous.

Right. Yes, I always appreciated those types of outings when I was a child.

Certainly have fond memories of that. Holidays though can be despairing and torturous!! Certainly lack the lovely gauze of nostalgia.

I mean, there is a reason people say they need a vacation following a vacation, right?

As much as I enjoyed traveling with parents as a youngster, I appreciated the at home simplicity of chicken pot pies or my Mom making mac and cheese with fish sticks and us all gathered around watching a movie and setting up a tent or playing with light sabers or making a craft.

Walking down the street in the neighborhood with gas lit lanterns to grab some Italian shaved ice.

These were the memories that stuck with me...

But I do love the concept of exposing children to different cultures, customs, and ways of life.

I'm glad that you and your husband are finding a good balance in your travels.  And hey, if they ever need a break, there's always perhaps a backyard oasis waiting for you at home! 😉 

[itsallgrand]

You aren't a diva you are a mom lol.

We had lots of camping trips and such without mom, so she could drink a beer in the backyard without us for a weekend, I assume 😁

Maybe sis will help or is that a hard no? 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Right. Yes, I always appreciated those types of outings when I was a child.

Certainly have fond memories of that. Holidays though can be despairing and torturous!! Certainly lack the lovely gauze of nostalgia.

I mean, there is a reason people say they need a vacation following a vacation, right?

As much as I enjoyed traveling with parents as a youngster, I appreciated the at home simplicity of chicken pot pies or my Mom making mac and cheese with fish sticks and us all gathered around watching a movie and setting up a tent or playing with light sabers or making a craft.

Walking down the street in the neighborhood with gas lit lanterns to grab some Italian shaved ice.

These were the memories that stuck with me...

But I do love the concept of exposing children to different cultures, customs, and ways of life.

I'm glad that you and your husband are finding a good balance in your travels.  And hey, if they ever need a break, there's always perhaps a backyard oasis waiting for you at home! 😉 

I do it by not calling it a vacation for me. Because it is not.  We do and have done and will do tons of simple stuff- I never overscheduled him as a child and I was a SAHM till he was 7.5.  He didn't take classes or do structured activities to the extent I saw around me- we live in a diverse city down the block from a park like New York's central park and we were there almost daily at one of the playgrounds, feeding the ducks, just walking around - we walked over to the local museum to look at art or do art or go to the playroom.  We went to the children's library and looked at books or did stuff there. 

But he also went to Paris when he was 7 and saw famous churches and art, exclaimed over nude male sculptures lol and subways and a puppet show in French, he went to Portugal when he was a tween and got lost with me on various modes of public transportation and went on boat rides at age 9 in Stockholm and saw cows and centuries old universities in Cambridge last summer and went to the theater in London.

  And got to see Justice Ginsberg speak months before she passed away in 2020.  And on and on. And it was exhausting for me and so rewarding too. And still is as we plan more travels many involving my husband's business travels.  Again I respect all parents' choices on how they choose to plan -or not plan! -their children's lives, schooling, playing, sports -whatever - this is how we do it. (And we only have one child!). 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I do it by not calling it a vacation for me. Because it is not.  We do and have done and will do tons of simple stuff- I never overscheduled him as a child and I was a SAHM till he was 7.5.  He didn't take classes or do structured activities to the extent I saw around me- we live in a diverse city down the block from a park like New York's central park and we were there almost daily at one of the playgrounds, feeding the ducks, just walking around - we walked over to the local museum to look at art or do art or go to the playroom.  We went to the children's library and looked at books or did stuff there. 

But he also went to Paris when he was 7 and saw famous churches and art, exclaimed over nude male sculptures lol and subways and a puppet show in French, he went to Portugal when he was a tween and got lost with me on various modes of public transportation and went on boat rides at age 9 in Stockholm and saw cows and centuries old universities in Cambridge last summer and went to the theater in London.

  And got to see Justice Ginsberg speak months before she passed away in 2020.  And on and on. And it was exhausting for me and so rewarding too. And still is as we plan more travels many involving my husband's business travels.  Again I respect all parents' choices on how they choose to plan -or not plan! -their children's lives, schooling, playing, sports -whatever - this is how we do it. (And we only have one child!). 

That sounds lovely! 😍

I think our most extravagant trip as kids was a cross country road trip to Disneyland 😆.

My parents were not able to take us on anything more than that, it would have been lovely, and I enjoyed the road trips. 

 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, yogacat said:

That sounds lovely! 😍

I think our most extravagant trip as kids was a cross country road trip to Disneyland 😆.

My parents were not able to take us on anything more than that, it would have been lovely, and I enjoyed the road trips. 

 

We don't do extravagant because we tag along on my husband's business conferences which means only we pay and we avoid expensive hotels etc.  My parents couldn't avoid Disney.  Never took us on a plane flight (my first as mentioned was for a teen tour when I was 15 -my grandmother paid for it and offered either 6 weeks away in youth hostels or 3 weeks in hotels -I chose the longer trip). My parents once a year or less took us  to a all inclusive hotel a few hours away by car for a few days and we were sent to sleepaway camp which wasn't inexpensive but not fancy camps.

Yes international flights are $$$ but we also choose not to own a private home, our rent is not inexpensive but we have 1200 square feet/two bedrooms, we married later in life and both saved a lot of $$ before marriage over that 10-15 year period pre-marriage, have one child and we live reasonably otherwise definitely not extravagantly. 

We've done certain more extravagant experiences but I take my son to many low cost/free cultural activities -museums, art installations, festivals, and very often we are exploring on foot/taking public transport. I do packed lunches, bring lower cost snacks from home, do not let my son go crazy ordering expensive beverages, etc - so we don't do fancy shmancy with rare exception like for a very special occasion.  When we saw Justice Ginsberg it was free I believe if you could get a ticket and when I took him to a French puppet show it was inexpensive for kids and I let him buy a $2 candy bar from the vending.

I have a friend who paid her private uber driver to take her and her daughter a half hour to a sample sale in a major city and she ended up having the uber driver sit there and wait with her in the car for over an hour while her daughter shopped for the cut rate fashion stuff then went all the way back in uber.  It would never in a million years occur to me to make that plan and spend that kind of $$$ just to go to a sample sale.  My husband would feel my head for a raging fever if I ever even mentioned that or think I was joking.  She loves that stuff -more power to her -if I'm going to spend $4-500 it's going to be on days of sightseeing in another city I guess. 

[mylolita]

On 5/20/2024 at 10:35 PM, itsallgrand said:

You aren't a diva you are a mom lol.

We had lots of camping trips and such without mom, so she could drink a beer in the backyard without us for a weekend, I assume 😁

Maybe sis will help or is that a hard no? 

Ah! I don’t know about that itsall! But, thank you for the leeway 🥹

 

This seems the sensible idea doesn’t it Grand? 🤣 So sensible with our history, that my husband suggested it and she is here, and so sensible of me, that I actually agreed to it and thought it would work out somehow! Last night, late after having to live with each other in a cabin only two nights two days in, I had the most terrible argument with her and basically I think we’ll go back to not seeing/talking to each other again for years and this may be that horrible moment where you decided, even though someone is family, that you can’t be around them.

 

I’ve woke up this morning in the country with birds signing cursing myself that I didn’t just go to bed last night! Instead I stayed up and we chatted for the first time (it’s only been very cold and civil for the rest) and she got onto questioning me about family life and going back to little things I did as a child, manipulatively guising her poking as “just a intimidate little sister to sister” when really she was “I’m too nice I’m perfect” and giving me the “you move caused baggage because you cleaned the room we shared loads as a child and resented me for being messy”. Criticising and basically, it flicked a switch in me. 
 

I can’t tell you how badly this argument escalated. It’s my fault for going there, I should have said I’m going to bed. I should have had the maturity and foresight and control to see this little “heart to heart” was going nowhere. I told her straight up we never really liked each other and to stop being dishonest as if we’re estranged best buds. All the kids were in bed deep asleep so I think I finally got a window to be able to not have to put in a fake facade (which I am bad at) and when she tried to come over and cuddle me I couldn’t stand it and was stiff as a board.

 

I’m sat here hoping she just leaves. I’m going to ask D to drive her back this morning. We only have two days left and to be brutal, I can’t stand the sight of her and probably she me. I completely lost control. There is going to be some major wind fall from this. Once again, really, us aside, I feel bad for our parents. 
 

I’ve had some beautiful moments on this break but privately, I can’t wait to be home. I never thought this would be me, but I’m missing the ocean desperately. In the words of Judy Garland - there’s no place like home. 
 

I’m sorry for letting all this out with you tagged on grand, it’s not at you 😭

 

x

[mylolita]

@Batya33 and @yogacat!

 

Thank you ladies for the insights! 
 

I kind of, felt my shoulders slump in relief to hear that even a seasoned pro traveller like yourself Batya finds it a little stressful from time to time!

 

This is our first proper family holiday. I think the stress is mostly coming from the fact they are still so young (6, 4, 2). My baby was sick on the first night. She has this blanket she never sleeps without (I have two identically spare copies I bought because she loves it so much!) but she coughed up on two of them. No washing machine here, so that morning I spent hand washing and trying to wring out the pungent smell of sick gone warm for an hour in the bath, then hung them out, they never dried, and I spent another two hours blow drying them with a hair dryer. These things happen, but there’s been a lot of this kind of stuff even on the first day. 
 

I kept thinking back to when me and the husband used to go away and it was so bloody easy! 
 

I want to soak up my beautiful children but through the idiot fault of my own, for needed help, I have my arch nemesis sister here and I can’t relax. It’s been a disaster waiting to happen. I don’t know why I ever thought I could suck it up. 
 

The kids have had a blast - I’m like ☺️😭🤪

 

Also it’s really so lovely to hear everyone’s childhood memories! My parents also didn’t have that much money and we went to Scotland every winter and summer in a caravan! And we stayed at some surreally beautiful places! Looking out over Lochs, blustery raw beaches and coves! I do now, as an adult and mum, go back through those memories and now suddenly notice my Mum cleaning everywhere before we got settled. Her packing and unpacking, her cooking, her changing muddy soaked through coats. It’s all part of the parcel. But when I see her next, I am craving so so badly a talk with her. I want to know if she felt these dragging feelings too? And also thank her from the bottom of my heart, because I think it must have been hard, and hard for my Dad working whilst studying to pay for it. 
 

It’s cost a fortune for me to feel the most unnerving mix of emotions. Intense love, joy, relaxation (my husband booked me in for a surprise massage and facial yesterday at a spa!) but then, stress, panic and anxiety, and irritation at my sister - sometimes hatred, I have to admit - and anger. 
 

I’m all for adventures - but I like them to be the day kind, and not the week kind, and overnight stay kind 😭

 

I sat through my sister picking apart my personality last night in this manipulative, “oh but I’m only wondering whyyyy and I want to know the reasons” way that she knew exactly what she was doing. I hold my hands up to everything negative about myself. I said, yes I’m a neat freak, yes I’m neurotic, yes I find it hard to relax. And she starts getting into “Where do you put yourself on a scale for that? Could “we” dial it down to get to say, a 4?” And then all she can say is “Oh I’m too nice that’s my problem”

 

I almost fell off my chair. 
 

I’m sorry folks but siblings you can’t stand, sick babies and deep pools when none of them can properly swim has been the perfect storm for me. I’m not saying I’m in the right at all, nothing close, but it doesn’t change the fact I want her gone for the rest and frankly, I just want to go home. 
 

I got into bed completely outraged and my heart beating furiously over what I’d said to her in our argument, and told my husband into the tense silence that from this point onwards, unless it’s for you and the kids, I am not saying yes to anything when I know realistically my answer is a massive, huge - NO! 
 

I’m in the sh*t, truthfully. What a mess this is. I’ve woke up feeling ashamed, deflated and still so bloody angry. The kids bundled into our bed and they stroked my forehead and I held my palm against their soft cheeks and I thought if we could stay like this forever, for ten minutes, for a moment! I would be happy. 
 

And I’ve been having such a great time with the husband - walking out late through the forest to go for a drink. Cuddling like teenagers while we walk, kids all on their bikes up front like ducks in a staggered row! Cheeky and playful moments alone. I’ve gone and blown it now because he’s going to be beyond annoyed that I couldn’t just keep it together for 5 days and be amicable with my sister. He wouldn’t be wrong either. 
 

X

[mylolita]

This is also interesting for me feeling so unreasonable at the moment - hearing everyone’s parents and holidaying brief and later in childhood. It’s a relief to me actually! And now I understand why we did the same! Flight and abroad holidays happened when I got to age 9 onwards. 
 

I remember going to stay in a beautiful part of the country when I was pregnant with my daughter and my son was 17 months old. This friend, her house where we stayed, it was the height of summer. Amazing properly - stone clad outside diving pool, this wooden building in her grounds that had stone seating in a circle around the fanciest integrated BBQ I’d ever seen. But we had to be in the same room as my son as she had 12 other guests there too, and he wouldn’t sleep because I was there and breastfeeding still. He woke every 3 hours. It was torturous for me as I was heavily pregnant as well. I cut the only 4 day trip short and left on day 3 exhausted. I fell out with my husband over it and our friend who had kindly hosted it because she took it personally but I simply had to get home to sleep. 
 

We also took our son to the South of France when he was only 7 months old because we were invited to a friends extravagant wedding at their chateau and again, I could hardly hack the three days there. That very adult wedding was nowhere a little baby should have been as I should have listened to my gut there telling me it’s not appropriate, but D was like “It’ll be fun! It’s an excuse to get away!” I still was waking up round the clock for a newborn in intense heat and having to entertain a baby through formal wedding malarky, although I soon caught on I couldn’t do it so took him in his pram to walk the grounds for a nap, or inside their house where all the shutters were closed, and we sat in ornate, historic, museum still interiors, silk couches, with him in a nappy and little white vest, and me changing him on Louis the sixteenth style day beds, with staff running around and gossiping in the corners. We had some unforgettable moments there and, some of the pictures in the lavender and sunflower fields are things I wouldn’t part with - but I’m sorry public, I was again, bloody well glad to be home, exhausted and knackered in my own bed - HA! 
 

Wow, I’m miserable. I’m too much of a control freak, I can’t let anything slide. I can hardly relax. 
 

My sister thought it was weird that the first thing we did after unpacking was, I took the kids out to the forest to pick wildflowers to make big, foliage rich bouquets about the cottage, one for each bedroom too. She shook her head. We’re so different. She wouldn’t understand the need I have to do something like that, and to have a candle in my overnight bag and light it on an evening. And I can’t understand why she would not?! 😭

 

x

[mylolita]

I feel totally tacky going on about this here but there’s nowhere else to get this out. 
 

She irritates the hell out of me and right now, I hate her. It was me who called up after the way she was over me getting married, 2 years later, to try make amends. She would have carried on never talking and frankly, I should have done the same. But D, the mature peacekeeper, thought it was a really good idea. And it would have been, if we didn’t absolutely hate each other and clans in every single way. I can’t find one thing in common right now, I can’t find one thing to like right now! If she wasn’t family, there is no way I would ever even talk to her in the street. How sad! 
 

I told D he needs to drive her back this morning. They’ve just left, he made an excuse up for the kids that work called and they didn’t even blink, simply carried on colouring and eating bananas. I refused to go downstairs until she was gone. The fury is potent. 
 

And after all was said and done, she said, “Why even invite me?” And I said “Why even come?!” I told her we’d paid for her holiday food and drinks as practically in return for a helping hand - an unspoken arrangement, and that no one pays for a friend to come on holiday with them. It was a mutual favour I thought we had both understood without specifically saying it. This is why she’s so bloody immature and stupid. She gets a free and quite fabulous holiday and she never once offered anything. She knew the score. This was an arrangement dreamt up by the husband because we have literally no one else at the moment to help us with three. 
 

She left and I have to say, I can’t lie, I’m elated. I feel like I can finally start to enjoy myself. I was on edge the whole time.

 

x

[Batya33]

A lot here and I really hope it helped you to write it out here!!  (And travel is a lot not a little stressful with kids and you took on the sister situation!!).  I hope it's better with her away -I think you had a lot of trouble restraining yourself because of the small space, you were tired, your baby wasn't feeling well,,,,,, and on and on and on.  You are human.  And it doesn't sound like your sister is second mom when you travel -the doting aunt who anticipates what you might need as a mother of  three little ones.  She's not going to come over, say hi and look at you and say "K I got this - you go shower, take your time, make yourself a cup of tea -I'll handle the kids --- ok go now!!" 

Anyway I really hope it helped to write it here and I'm glad your husband drove her back.  

[yogacat]

Ooohhh I feel you on the sister thing....

My sister and I growing up and up until a few years ago were so tight and close and then, plop bang boo, our relationship floppity flippet! We're closer now these days but for three years we didn't speak or hardly spoke and liked each other very much.

I hid it well initially when she'd visit but when the love waxes and wanes it shows up shining and before I knew it we were arguing. Six feet deep in an argument. Silent treatment, then we'd talk, share our opinions, see into each other's views and then go off in different directions 🙄

People trying to get you to understand something, assuming you don't, also telling you it'll make your life better but ends up irritating you when you decide not to take on their patronizing advice after advice...

She joined you on a holiday. Hey, and the holiday didn't kill you. Glass half full?

You guys will work it out. Time heals old wounds!!!!🙂

If not tell her she is not invited to view your lovely garden and believe me, she is going to miss out on the wonderful world of myLolita~

[itsallgrand]

Oh I'm so sorry. I hope you can enjoy the next few days and the little one is doing better. 

Not going to lie, it's kinda harsh that she was fine with everything being paid for but didn't jump in at any point to help. It'd be one thing if you planned the trip together and she was paying her way to chill with you all. But i can imagine that adding to the pressure for sure. I get irritated if we go on a trip or camp and someone decides to just lump it while others work! It'd be ten fold if I had a sick baby, I mean, that's just common courtesy. And working together is how you form those bonds, even if it isn't your favorite person...she opted out on that and it really sucks.

Now go enjoy. Cuddle that family and pick your flowers 🙂

[mylolita]

20 hours ago, Batya33 said:

A lot here and I really hope it helped you to write it out here!!  (And travel is a lot not a little stressful with kids and you took on the sister situation!!).  I hope it's better with her away -I think you had a lot of trouble restraining yourself because of the small space, you were tired, your baby wasn't feeling well,,,,,, and on and on and on.  You are human.  And it doesn't sound like your sister is second mom when you travel -the doting aunt who anticipates what you might need as a mother of  three little ones.  She's not going to come over, say hi and look at you and say "K I got this - you go shower, take your time, make yourself a cup of tea -I'll handle the kids --- ok go now!!" 

Anyway I really hope it helped to write it here and I'm glad your husband drove her back.  

Thank you so much Batya! 
 

I’m not perfect, I have my moods and I know the outcome of this has been a big chunk my fault. And I shouldn’t have expected much help because she was busy taking work calls and texting her boyfriend and, it’s unfair really since she doesn’t have kids. I suppose I was naive on that front! She needed to go outside to vape all the time too!

 

It’s so helped because I didn’t have to unload it in anyone else. Phew! I guess that’s the main reason for a journal? What a verbiage rant 😭🤗

 

x

[mylolita]

17 hours ago, yogacat said:

Ooohhh I feel you on the sister thing....

My sister and I growing up and up until a few years ago were so tight and close and then, plop bang boo, our relationship floppity flippet! We're closer now these days but for three years we didn't speak or hardly spoke and liked each other very much.

I hid it well initially when she'd visit but when the love waxes and wanes it shows up shining and before I knew it we were arguing. Six feet deep in an argument. Silent treatment, then we'd talk, share our opinions, see into each other's views and then go off in different directions 🙄

People trying to get you to understand something, assuming you don't, also telling you it'll make your life better but ends up irritating you when you decide not to take on their patronizing advice after advice...

She joined you on a holiday. Hey, and the holiday didn't kill you. Glass half full?

You guys will work it out. Time heals old wounds!!!!🙂

If not tell her she is not invited to view your lovely garden and believe me, she is going to miss out on the wonderful world of myLolita~

Yoga, 

 

That is very sweet! It’s not as if she is wholly bad at all - we just clash so much, I was naive to think I could keep myself stum. I have a problem with impulse. I think, looking back on those three days, I was walking around tense and forced inside. She left, and a huge weight lifted. When I re-connected with her after my son was born and about 8 months old, I did it in part out of duty because, I didn’t want her to not have a chance of an Aunty role. Also, it was hurting my parents. 
 

My husband dropped her back at my parents where her car was and I know she will have been comforted by them and that makes me feel better. She denies we have trouble between us but I know deep down she probably felt better leaving too. Ironically she went on the best day as the weather turned dark and rained the whole day yesterday! Didn’t stop me taking the kids on a small bike trail in their rain coats and then we spent the afternoon at the pool. Today’s my husbands Birthday so the kids piled in with homemade cards and my middle daughter told him “come see your present Daddy!” And she’d set up all her little teddies in a row and circle to “wish you Happy Birthday” 🥲 I’m strangely glad she’s not here as it’s an intimidate family moment really. If we were close this would have been so different.

 

I did make mistakes though. I should have held my tongue. I have to apologise to her for that, because I was in the wrong there, but I’ll let the holiday finish and the dust settle. 
 

I’m actually really enjoying myself now… LMAO! In my furious little state that massage I had didn’t even touch the sides 🤣👏

 

Again, thanks for your story Yoga - sometimes it’s nice to hear other people have struggles with family too or holiday planning and it’s not just you! 
 

x

[Batya33]

Happy bday to your husband! You're incredibly self-aware and I hope not too hard on yourself but I like the way you analyze what you did/what you felt even in your body-the tension -and what you might have done differently.  

I also know of families who -for vacation -cruise or go to all inclusive resorts because  there are kid camps or drop off places for kids so the adults can.... adult.Wasn't for us (including when growing up -if that was even available -don't recall).  I do like the way it acknowledges that a family "holiday" need not be so much -togetherness I guess. 

I hope your youngest is feeling better!

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

Thank you so much Batya! 
 

I’m not perfect, I have my moods and I know the outcome of this has been a big chunk my fault. And I shouldn’t have expected much help because she was busy taking work calls and texting her boyfriend and, it’s unfair really since she doesn’t have kids. I suppose I was naive on that front! She needed to go outside to vape all the time too!

 

It’s so helped because I didn’t have to unload it in anyone else. Phew! I guess that’s the main reason for a journal? What a verbiage rant 😭🤗

 

x

My sister's first of four was born in the late 80s and my son was born in 2009 -and before I was a mother I helped a lot whenever I was there and took two of her children for sleepovers and I also helped my friends with young kids when I went over to their homes etc. 

I know, I know -everyone is different and yes sometimes a mom knows -more -like before one of my nieces was a mom (she has 3 young kids!) she and I were hanging out in my parents' bedroom alone to catch up -she was in her early 20s- my baby was sleeping in the next room -nap time.  I heard the slightest sound -you know -the mom hears all - lol - and I told her -oh you know he's going to be up soon -going to go check on him and she insisted I was hearing things lol. 

I had certain friends who were clueless because they did not have kids (especially if they did not want kids). 

And yes-one time I traveled close to two hours to see a friend in person I hadn't seen in ages- she had two kids under 4 maybe-and yes when I arrived I wanted to talk to her -one on one -catch up -and she told me later that it was hard for her since I didn't bring children over -to keep her kids occupied (this was pre-kid for me). 

I realized it was probably not the best idea to expect her attention so the next time I went over I brought children's book to read to them and hung out with them too. 

But I think your sister knew way in advance what the deal is -and for sure if she had work calls that's different and yes she has a partner - but if I were invited to a cabin with a family with 3 young kids I'd assume it would be -kid-centered and that I'd contribute to helping with them.  Again -everyone is different and I think the choice to have her leave earlier was a good one.  

[mylolita]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

My sister's first of four was born in the late 80s and my son was born in 2009 -and before I was a mother I helped a lot whenever I was there and took two of her children for sleepovers and I also helped my friends with young kids when I went over to their homes etc. 

I know, I know -everyone is different and yes sometimes a mom knows -more -like before one of my nieces was a mom (she has 3 young kids!) she and I were hanging out in my parents' bedroom alone to catch up -she was in her early 20s- my baby was sleeping in the next room -nap time.  I heard the slightest sound -you know -the mom hears all - lol - and I told her -oh you know he's going to be up soon -going to go check on him and she insisted I was hearing things lol. 

I had certain friends who were clueless because they did not have kids (especially if they did not want kids). 

And yes-one time I traveled close to two hours to see a friend in person I hadn't seen in ages- she had two kids under 4 maybe-and yes when I arrived I wanted to talk to her -one on one -catch up -and she told me later that it was hard for her since I didn't bring children over -to keep her kids occupied (this was pre-kid for me). 

I realized it was probably not the best idea to expect her attention so the next time I went over I brought children's book to read to them and hung out with them too. 

But I think your sister knew way in advance what the deal is -and for sure if she had work calls that's different and yes she has a partner - but if I were invited to a cabin with a family with 3 young kids I'd assume it would be -kid-centered and that I'd contribute to helping with them.  Again -everyone is different and I think the choice to have her leave earlier was a good one.  

Thanks Batya.

 

My horrible sick feeling is regret at not her leaving, but the way I basically told her to leave. I said some nasty things to her that I should never have said. 
 

It started up with the end of one day winding down, kids went to bed late which happens on an excitement and activity filled holiday. She was absolutely knackered and had also had a nap that day, and I had a minor bicker with my husband about the fact I couldn’t get to grips with the gas oven and I’d burnt one of the pizza’s and he was like, “Just chill out stop fretting” and I get where he’s coming from completely, but I started back with “well I’m the one doing all the cooking and everyone starved and I’m struggling to work this thing!” 
 

When dinner was eaten and the cabin was quiet, she started kind of, not exactly interrogating me but, I’d told D to go upstairs and head to bed if he wanted, I’d clean up and she was like “So that’s great?” Meaning, our small bicker. And I said, “What do you mean? That happens plenty. We’ve been married 16 years; Y’know, it’s not floating in clouds 24/7 F.” And she went, “Oh I see, oh I know! Well, that’s okay though having those disagreements for you?” And I suddenly felt attacked in a passive aggressive, “I’m just asking but really poking” type of way, and I should have ignored her Batya but I said, “Well what? Everytime we have a minor disagreement we need to get a divorce!” And she was like, “Would you?” And I was then fully annoyed and said, “What do you mean “would you?!” You think that’s how relationships work? You’re a lost fawn in the woods.”

 

Then she started on with “Do you think parents resent having children?” And I thought, I know exactly what you’re doing here. She doesn’t believe in marriage or claims to not want children although in the past she has broke down in tears to wanting both those things, but no man she’s been with has ever given her them, as hard as she’s asked. Then she went on with “I’ve decided from seeing you all kids aren’t for me. It’s too stressful.” 
 

I was fully angry at this point. The kids had, objectively, been immaculate - beautifully behaved, and she sat there in this fake “oooo I’m just asking just seeing how you feel, all your feelings for your benefit and exploration” type garbage guise. And I thought well, if you can come fully paid to a beautiful cottage in woodland and have three children play and laugh and cycle and not feel a ping then seriously, it’s actually not for you. Then I thought well bloody hell, the reason I’m actually stressed is not the cough and sick on a night or the packing but it’s flipping you! 
 

Then we get into a real argument. I tell her she’s immature and couldn’t handle it anyway so it’s for the best. Then it gets dragged into how I was with her as a child and then how my parents ignored her and going into how she learnt to ride her bike herself and I was the favourite. I then snapped back at her career which is actually I feel, not 100% legit or fully truthful. She told me she was “making loads of money” but I do6 believe it at all. And her bragging about having lots of money, I find rude and tasteless. I told her that too. Oh man Batya, it really got personal and very hurtful.  If it were me in her shoes, I would have actually left that night it got so bad. But I could hear her downstairs making coffee and talking to the kids and it boiled my blood again. I didn’t sleep that whole night. I must have drifted off about 4am then woke again at 5. I actually don’t think she would have left unless I’d told my husband to go drive her back which was a massive ask by the way, nearly a whole day there and back in the car. He’s actually not so happy with me about that but he did it anyway. 
 

When he came back, I knew on the night he’d sat on the top stair and listened to us argue. I’d suspected he’d do that but I lost all inhibition and said awful things anyway. Frankly, I despise her and would be happy to never see her again, as awful and bad as that sounds of me. 
 

When he got back from dropping her off he said “I don’t want to talk about what’s happened for the rest of the holiday” which I understand. 
 

It’s been great that she’s gone but awful how it happened. I’m really disappointed in myself. I should be old enough to keep it together. I’m accusing her of immaturity but I’m no better here.

 

And I also don’t want to give the impression she never helped. It’s just that, she’s obviously concerned with her own stuff and things she has going on - she talked about work constantly, work problems, management issues, and I know nothing about what she does. And I’m trying to see to the kids and she’s telling me inappropriate stories. I had to tell her at one point, Y’know, little ears can’t be hearing that. She doesn’t really get it. And that’s not a “because she doesn’t have or want” kid thing. It’s an inconsiderate, tactless thing. 
 

She did watch them outside ride their bikes for half an hour but she was vaping and on her phone looking fed up when I glanced out now and then. And she did watch them in the pool, and had my middle daughter on her lap and carried her because she can’t swim in the deep parts. But she had to do that, she simply couldn’t not. She did talk and make paper aeroplanes with them on the morning, I could hear her, but it was often back to her bedroom like a teenager and needing to text this secret and mysterious boyfriend or deal with work. One of her arguments on our night was how busy she is, and I thought but, you’ve had this week off, and then here you just took a call saying you had now all weekend off too, and on instagram she’s only the week before been on a 3 day camping trip with her boyfriend? 
 

We haven’t had a holiday break in 8 years unless you count the 3 days in France and the 3 days at our friends 6 years ago. I’m sure she’s had more than that, although she claimed not, as if it was some competition who was busier. I didn’t care about it at all. She simply seemed self absorbed, miserable and clueless, and we were both obviously storing up deep resentment for each other and I was the one who snapped and had it all come tumbling out.

 

Sorry for this longest response ever Batya 🤪

 

What can I do - it’s happened now. Thankfully the kids are none the wiser, they think she left to see to work things. It’s just patching it with the husband now, because we’ve had a fantastic time since she’s left but I know being the calm and stable headed kinda guy he is, he’ll be so disappointed with how I handled myself, and he’s probably not happy about that at all. So I have to face the music there in a conversation once we’re back at home and the kids are in bed once again. I’m slightly dreading it, actually, because where as my sister and what she thinks towards me obviously doesn’t concern me too much, what my husband thinks about me and feels towards me means the world. 
 

I hope I didn’t ruin it too much for him.

 

I told him one thing - from this day forward, I am not doing anything I know deep down in my heart I can’t do/don’t want to do or is no good for me. My sister coming to help on holiday and live with us was something I know really, I should have said no too. I did initially and kept saying no but it was short notice and we had no one else. The irony is, she made things worse and we could manage fine without her! Ahh life! 
 

x

[mylolita]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Happy bday to your husband! You're incredibly self-aware and I hope not too hard on yourself but I like the way you analyze what you did/what you felt even in your body-the tension -and what you might have done differently.  

I also know of families who -for vacation -cruise or go to all inclusive resorts because  there are kid camps or drop off places for kids so the adults can.... adult.Wasn't for us (including when growing up -if that was even available -don't recall).  I do like the way it acknowledges that a family "holiday" need not be so much -togetherness I guess. 

I hope your youngest is feeling better!

Thank you again Batya.

 

I can tell you are an amazing mum and you just be such a credit to your family! An irreplaceable asset! 
 

And I get that - our whole point of this was to spend a load of uninterrupted time with the kids, not drop them off at nurseries or with sitters. I‘ve never done that, it’s not my style, but I don’t think badly of anyone who does it’s just not something I agree with for my kids and the way we work. 
 

Imagine if we’d been on a cruise?! I would have near thrown her off sideboard I kid ya not! 🤣

 

I’m no Angel in this Batya! I have already apologies to my Mum and Dad because they have heard it all straight away from my sister and had to pick up the pieces there. I feel bad, I do. I just don’t know how our relationship is going to be now. Probably next to nothing. I might not even see her at Christmas. I felt a strange relief and peace at that thought, as bad as that sounds, when I imagined how that would be. 
 

We went through all my character flaws after her witnessing the bicker with The Husband (🥲) and I openly admitted to my negative traits (uptight, fussy, neurotic, perfectionist, control freak, impulsive, quick to anger, takes things on how I feel not how they are, changeable, prone to mood swings, argumentative etc etc) and all she could come up with after my interrogation from her was “Ohhh I’m too nice that’s my problem!” I said oh COME ON pull the other one you idiot! Anyway, I need to stop rehashing it. It was strangely comical in a way - HA! Oh dear. 
 

I called her a “weirdo pervert loser” because she had actively gone through my laptop a little while back, looked at private personal photos and then I found she’d took nudes of herself with the laptop camera?! LMAO. Honestly. A lot came spewing out at 1am from me!!
 

x

[Batya33]

My laugh emoji is only at the hilarious parts!! Thank you for the compliments - my son tells me I'm his favorite mother but -he's stuck with me -I'm the only one LOL

Does sister live with your parents?

[mylolita]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My laugh emoji is only at the hilarious parts!! Thank you for the compliments - my son tells me I'm his favorite mother but -he's stuck with me -I'm the only one LOL

Does sister live with your parents?

That’s such a lovely compliment Batya and you’ll know he means it! Funny! The things they come out with! 
 

And she did for a lot longer than me, she moved out about 8 years ago, she’s 33. She bought a house a few years ago with her ex fiancé, they recently split which is never a nice thing. She slated him openly on the drive here which I thought was a quick turn of tables since for 7 years you couldn’t say a single word against him to her and then suddenly, he’s the worst ever. 
 

It all is so bad really Batya. My husbands so not happy. I realise a big reason I even had this bust up with her was my mood was bad and I was tired. He told me I need to change, which has hit hard. I was defensive but overall accept this. 
 

I want to apologise to her but I also don’t want to think that this is completely my fault and she is perfect and never in the wrong. I always find I’m quick to anger, quick to apologise, but then because I’ve apologised, my sister thinks I was entirely wrong, just because I’m the one reaching out, making amends, or saying sorry.

 

It’s really put me in a bad state of reflection where I don’t even like myself, this feeling has happened since maybe my son got to about 2/3. I started noticing myself anger at my middle daughter when she was going through her push pull phase of being 2 - practically very stubborn unlike my son - and I was shocked how irritated I could feel myself getting and quickly. As more pressures have been piled on (financial obligations, financial pressure, more children, more pregnancies with toddlers in tow, lots of house moves and big big scale living in a building site style renovations), I’ve found myself getting worse. 
 

Thing is, life is going to throw uncomfortable situations at me and stressors, and I can’t just flip my lid like a child. I need some mood management and self control, self regulation? Maybe that’s the word. It sounds quite pathetic but I feel pathetic at the moment. 
 

There was such a positive, bubbly, outdoorsy girl today who helped us and the kids with an activity and I found myself aching to be just like her, and experiencing this awful pang of a thought - that my husband would have been better of marrying someone just like her, and that my kids would prefer her as their mother. And I’m not just saying this for dramatics - it was a wrenching epiphany that came bubbling up and I couldn’t deny. I look at everyone walking past and I think “they are a better, wholesome, more together person than me. Why can’t I be like them?” 
 

When my husband met me, I was quite young, 18 - and from a proper and well brought up middle class family. We were never explicitly taught this but it was expected you were polite and sweet natured and sociable and extroverted and very accommodating. Zero confrontation. Anything to avoid an argument. And my husbands catch phase for the first year we were together was “Don’t give me customer service Lo” which meant, tell me what you really think and drop the server style facade. 
 

I think in my strange liberation from that, and the boundaries it created for me that soon crumbled over the next sixteen years, that I went too much the other way. Often I long for “customer service” Lo. Maybe she was actually better? People liked her more. I was unhappy deep down because I held things in; but I’m not exactly perfectly happy right now with getting everything out and not denying myself any one unpleasant emotion. 
 

I think I don’t just want a break from obligations, or a rest in general - but a break; a rest, from myself at her core. 
 

I’m ashamed about the person I am at 34 and I feel almost powerless and without energy and will enough to stop it and… make the changes I need to make. 
 

She’s still an idiot. But then again, so am I. 
 

x

[Batya33]

One thing I do which helps me is come up with tools in advance to go to when I feel triggered,short tempered, hangry etc - some are really minor even silly, others have more depth but as you know "in the heat of the moment" unless those tools you've planned for are front of mind -you'll "forget" and go with impulse.

I think it's fine to be really specific in an apology and it shows authenticity.  Focusing on what you are sorry for but not mentioning "oh and I'm not at all sorry that I said your hair looked frightful sis cause it did, k???" 😉

Just to make you laugh -my sister and I fought -so much!! -when we were younger.  She was much prettier than me.  But also was insecure about her looks so one time when she was horrible to me - I was maybe 9 or 10 -she is 5 years older -I taped little notes to every mirror in our apartment with her name and "is so ugly" "has ugly hair" etc.  I know.....

You have taken on and have a lot on your plate.  "Holiday" on top of that sounds overwhelming.