Diary Of A Redhead

[mylolita]

I’ve always absolutely crumpled up mentally at the idea of “expected fun”, and tonight my husband planned a Birthday meal and a little outing with me and the kids and I just can hardly bring myself to face it and put on a together and united facade after this holiday and everything that I’ve done. 
 

I dressed the kids, ironed his shirt and told them to go on ahead, I’ll catch up, and to start without me I’ll be right there. Instead I sat on the shower floor and cried like a pathetic kid for ten minutes. 
 

Maybe I need some kind of sedation or something, I’m not even kidding. I’m too hormonal maybe? I have elevated estrogen levels. Sometimes I think, is it making me one crazy female? Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I just like everyone be ignore the things I don’t? Like everyone else seems to be able to do? 
 

I feel people really like me and then it’s just a matter of time before I spoil it, snap, and they hate me in the same breath. My biggest fear is this happening with my own children and D. I couldn’t quite stand that, but I don’t know how to be any different?! 
 

x

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, mylolita said:

Maybe I need some kind of sedation or something, I’m not even kidding. I’m too hormonal maybe? I have elevated estrogen levels. Sometimes I think, is it making me one crazy female? Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I just like everyone be ignore the things I don’t? Like everyone else seems to be able to do? 

I mean with this with total respect - is it possible you need a nap? Seriously -I've had to nap more lately -not long naps but I mean -I really need it -and it -helps my mood so much! Not right away but overall.  I don't know if you "can" nap or even have time but back to basics first -sleep/hydration/reasonably healthful food stuff moms forget to give -to themselves!!

[mylolita]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

One thing I do which helps me is come up with tools in advance to go to when I feel triggered,short tempered, hangry etc - some are really minor even silly, others have more depth but as you know "in the heat of the moment" unless those tools you've planned for are front of mind -you'll "forget" and go with impulse.

I think it's fine to be really specific in an apology and it shows authenticity.  Focusing on what you are sorry for but not mentioning "oh and I'm not at all sorry that I said your hair looked frightful sis cause it did, k???" 😉

Just to make you laugh -my sister and I fought -so much!! -when we were younger.  She was much prettier than me.  But also was insecure about her looks so one time when she was horrible to me - I was maybe 9 or 10 -she is 5 years older -I taped little notes to every mirror in our apartment with her name and "is so ugly" "has ugly hair" etc.  I know.....

You have taken on and have a lot on your plate.  "Holiday" on top of that sounds overwhelming.

I just find it hard sometimes to say no to things that are perceived as I “should be doing” so I feel massive guilt. Like today, my husbands over booked everything. We’ve done like 4 things already with the kids and I’ve cooked a full roast chicken with all the traditional trimmings and cleaned up and really, I wanted my baby who’s not that well to be in bed early or normal timed tonight - instead he’s insisted on bowling late and then a dinner after at a restaurant. My mind is like; what are you thinking saying yes? 
 

And I said to him maybe I’ll bring her back early and the others can stay with you for dinner and he says “Don’t condemn it before it’s even happened just see how she is” but really, I feel I know best on this and I’m going along to be “ooo chilled out fun Mum! Yay!” But really I’m routine take care of needs especially when they’re young even when on holiday Mum and it’s clashing and stressing me out. 
 

But I don’t want another fight or bicker because we’ve had enough of that now for one week but it’s driving me nuts to pretend to be cool with everything.

 

I’ve enjoyed myself in parts - so many beautiful moments - but I hate to keep repeating this but I’m tired and looking forward to being home. 
 

I need a calm discussion with the husband when we get back after we’ve settled in. But I need to rush to make it out. God, there just isn’t hardly anytime and I’m someone who needs moments inbetween.

 

x

[mylolita]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I mean with this with total respect - is it possible you need a nap? Seriously -I've had to nap more lately -not long naps but I mean -I really need it -and it -helps my mood so much! Not right away but overall.  I don't know if you "can" nap or even have time but back to basics first -sleep/hydration/reasonably healthful food stuff moms forget to give -to themselves!!

You’re so right Batya.

 

mI feel very emotional, the not sleeping doesn’t help. For some reason I haven’t been able to sleep well here away. It should be beyond peaceful. 
 

My youngest has a nap everyday for 2.5 hours, but today for the first time in nearly a year, she woke up coughing after 20 mins and crying and I had to go in of course and I gave her orange juice and cuddled her. My husband told me to go up to sleep again but I could hear her crying for me downstairs and I couldn’t relax, so I came down, took them outside, they wanted to play with their new toys out there so I went with them and my husband had a nap instead! 
 

x

[mylolita]

3 minutes ago, mylolita said:

You’re so right Batya.

 

mI feel very emotional, the not sleeping doesn’t help. For some reason I haven’t been able to sleep well here away. It should be beyond peaceful. 
 

My youngest has a nap everyday for 2.5 hours, but today for the first time in nearly a year, she woke up coughing after 20 mins and crying and I had to go in of course and I gave her orange juice and cuddled her. My husband told me to go up to sleep again but I could hear her crying for me downstairs and I couldn’t relax, so I came down, took them outside, they wanted to play with their new toys out there so I went with them and my husband had a nap instead! 
 

x

I suppose my frustration with myself and that I then project as envy onto everyone else (like, even my husband in a strange way) is the fact no one else seems to need all this maintenance and specific conditions? Why am I so weak that I need all these things? 
 

My husband doesn’t need naps, he can do things easily even when he doesn’t feel like it or want to. He has strength and fortitude and can deal and handle people he dislikes with ease, without blowing his top. He can have passionate discussions without them turning emotional. He can solider on, function on nothing, hardly appears to stress or fluster. And here’s me? I don’t know, it just makes me feel pathetic, useless, very frustrated at myself to the point I want to be dramatically different.

 

Right now, if you asked me “you can be transported into a stable minded, steady, easy going psyche right now but you have to leave behind your entire personality and brain wiring” then I really would. 
 

I just want to be that outdoor sweet girl today. I wanted her as a friend, actually. I found myself admiring her massively. I think I’m a decent judge of character and I could tell she was simply… lovely. And I wanted to know her so that maybe her loveliness could rub off on me? Or maybe I could start afresh with someone nice like her, untarnished, and there would be that initial like and hope and pull that we would be lovely, sweet, close friends, and that she somehow, because of her demeanour, had answer to questions I desperately need. 
 

I don’t know, maybe I do just need some sleep. 
 

The old me would pull an emotional wobbler and not go tonight. But my kids need me, I need to go, and it’s D’s Birthday and it’s not right. I can’t think of myself and my needs, and who should anyway? It’s not all about that. Sometimes you just have to suck it up, put some lipstick on and get on. 
 

I wish customer service Lo was back in town because she would have been an ol’pro at this. I would have looked like God damn Mary Poppins from the outside. God damn it.

 

x
 

 

[Batya33]

I hope the dinner goes ok.  If it helps I had to leave a number of family meals early because of nap time/toddler getting too fussy at a restaurant (like when people were late to the restaurant and we  already were waiting for a half hour, etc), I used to eat before in the car on the way over because I knew I'd never have time to eat and watch him, etc.  and yes yes lose  the shoulds and if you do that it will be easier to show up and be present in a reasonably calm, centered way. 

And I totally get -when your baby is sick you don't want to go to a restaurant and "see how it goes" - you're not being catastrophic "but what if" because the fact is baby is under the weather, didn't nap well and therefore being at a restaurant is not a great choice.  And husband/dad can love his kids to the moon and back for sure - but unless the parents are splitting up being "SAHM" then dad doesn't get it -get the nitty gritty -have that mom sense you have -to the extent you do.  Not at all a judgment -just -reality -you have that role, that job full time and he doesn't.  Plain ole facts.

I also don't sleep well when away and I suck at being sleep deprived.

We put off celebrating occasions if our child was sick-there was one time.  He was 2.  I'd  taken him to my mom's by subway for the day - and while traveling he spiked a fever -he'd had a fever a couple of days earlier so I was -surprised.  Obviously he was well taken care of at my mom's by us but my husband had plans with relatives in town so I called him and he decide to go forward with the plan but I said - I don't want them there at our place when I get back -he's sick and I want it quiet, etc.  He didn't get it.  They wanted to see their cousin, etc. 

So I get him home -still sick -on the subway -I'm exhausted -and he says to the cousins as the "good host" - do you want to go out for dinner? The female cousin -who didn't have kids but was in her 40s - caught my eye and saw how exhausted I was, saw how tired my son was, etc -and gave me a reassuring, sympathetic look and said to my husband "oh no we're fine -I think we'll head out." 

My husband -didn't  get it -he thought he had to invite them out to dinner as a "should" and just wasn't "in the weeds" as I was with a toddler with a fever and congestion. 

But lol the childless cousin -totally got it- totally got how I must be feeling.  I think the way you navigate this is acceptance that he loves them so and maybe doesn't really get it, it is his bday and you decide whether it's just too much for you and/or your child - it's not easy and I think if you practice being firmly assertive and silence that Shoulds and silence that "I wish I was sweet like that other mom I saw" - you won't bottle it up as much and therefore won't feel like venting.

I am rambling -I really feel what you're going through and whatever  you decided on dinner I hope it all worked out ok and that baby is on the mend.

[yogacat]

19 hours ago, mylolita said:

Yoga, 

 

That is very sweet! It’s not as if she is wholly bad at all - we just clash so much, I was naive to think I could keep myself stum. I have a problem with impulse. I think, looking back on those three days, I was walking around tense and forced inside. She left, and a huge weight lifted. When I re-connected with her after my son was born and about 8 months old, I did it in part out of duty because, I didn’t want her to not have a chance of an Aunty role. Also, it was hurting my parents. 
 

My husband dropped her back at my parents where her car was and I know she will have been comforted by them and that makes me feel better. She denies we have trouble between us but I know deep down she probably felt better leaving too. Ironically she went on the best day as the weather turned dark and rained the whole day yesterday! Didn’t stop me taking the kids on a small bike trail in their rain coats and then we spent the afternoon at the pool. Today’s my husbands Birthday so the kids piled in with homemade cards and my middle daughter told him “come see your present Daddy!” And she’d set up all her little teddies in a row and circle to “wish you Happy Birthday” 🥲 I’m strangely glad she’s not here as it’s an intimidate family moment really. If we were close this would have been so different.

 

I did make mistakes though. I should have held my tongue. I have to apologise to her for that, because I was in the wrong there, but I’ll let the holiday finish and the dust settle. 
 

I’m actually really enjoying myself now… LMAO! In my furious little state that massage I had didn’t even touch the sides 🤣👏

 

Again, thanks for your story Yoga - sometimes it’s nice to hear other people have struggles with family too or holiday planning and it’s not just you! 

That's so admirable of you to extend an olive branch and apologize for your part in the disagreement. It takes a lot of maturity and self-awareness to do that.🫣

I know with my sister, I had to do pretty much same -- albeit, there were times I was ready to rip her head off and I said a few choice words, as with you, I blew it, I would have preferred to be more self-aware and made peace with me, and bite my tongue and humble myself.

Soon, I'll be flying to West Hollywood to see Slash and I'll be staying at my sisters for two weeks because I have friends and family flying in so, with that being said, I hope we both have peaceful and fulfilling interactions with our combative family. LOL 

Maybe your sister denies that there is trouble between you because she can't handle conflict at all so if that is the case, you might be wasting your time trying to get her to own things from her side.

Anyways, enjoy this time. 

Happy B-day to your husband, as well! 🙂

[mylolita]

Thank you so much @yogacat, @Batya33 and @itsallgrand for your support of this very bratty, spoilt, terrible sister and mother here!! I really appreciate it! This has been such a great release to be able to throw it out there and then leave it be! (Kinda!)

 

I had my pity party and wanted to carry on. I tried to duck the meal. My husband text me after waiting half an hour and already ordering. He sent me, “If you love me, you’ll come tonight. The kids want to see you and so do I.”

 

I was so fed up and disappointed in myself. Wallowing in all my hatred! 
 

I got dressed fast - pulled out something romantic from the shelves with embroidered red roses onto bell sleeves, chose my deepest of plum lipsticks and bundled up the curls. I went out with a bag hurriedly packed for the kids and my heart racing, a fine bead of sweat layered along the top of my lip. 
 

I had my headphones in and wanted something to shake me out of my depression. For some reason; I typed into “Walking On A Dream” by Empire Of The Sun. 
 

It’s always been close to my heart, that song, and at 7pm as the sun was dropping, it near well made me fold. Drizzle filtered through a forest canopy fell all around, my colour was high and bright with embarrassment and shame. The headphones were up near full volume. I had a lump in my throat and was trying not to cry. I could hardly look at anyone who passed and almost ran all the way to the restaurant. All I could think over and over was, “I don’t deserve them. I don’t deserve them!” Thirty four, should know better - you blew it again and now you’re panting up a moss covered hill in kitten heels to try and scrape it back after your pathetic paddy blow out. Once again. Over and over.
 

It took me half an hour to cool down after I got in, I was so worked up and tired - the air felt stifling and close, a real humid night. 
 

I found the kids talking amongst bustling restaurant talk. D was playing “everything’s okay and Mums just running late” nicey nice. I found myself stumped, in PRE first date territory. I didn’t even know if I should say hi to my own husband, hug him? Apologise? He looked up at me then back to the kids, and we carried on. My son later told me that was his favourite part of the holiday - having the waiters all sing Happy Birthday! It was forced from my perspective but at least I was there? In the end, I was glad I showed up. I don’t know what would have happened if I had stayed sitting in that weak streamed, little shower. 
 

Since coming home, we’ve had a discussion that I need to change. My moods, my temper. I don’t think before I speak. I agree. It’s not fair on him or the kids, and I wouldn’t be admitting this if I didn’t want genuine progress. 
 

I’ve been going about my life on an emotional rollercoaster of intense feelings. It’s served me very well at times, and been pure chaos and destruction for others. Raising a young family isn’t conductive to this type of peddling through. I can’t just be impulsive. I got away with it slightly when they were babies, but now? 
 

I have such deep love all around me. I don’t know why he married me sometimes or why he still tries after all these outbursts, for some reason, he still loves me and strangely, when the dust settles, he still likes me? 
 

I know one day, my nine emotional lives of love will be up, and that no one, no one can overplay their hand for too long. 
 

Maybe it’s time at 34 that I finally grow up? 
 

I feel like everyone did that along time ago. And here I am. 
 

My biggest fear is, I won’t have the decency and the fortitude to make good my promises?

 

Amelia was the name of the lovely outdoorsy girl who helped our kids. She damn near broke my heart, I thought she was so perfect and pure. I found myself going to sleep, thinking of her. I kept seeing her fresh, natural, kind face - her open eyes, youthful smile. She even reminded me of someone but, I couldn’t think who. I wish I’d been her - I wished I was her! And I imagined how happy my husband would be, without the theatre, the emotions, the outbursts - to have someone lovely and peaceful by his side like her. 
 

I had a weird dream that night.

 

I found myself in a strange, quiet but bustling part of a run down town centre street. In an alley, a lady was selling plants. I looked down at my hand, through treacle. I only had £18. 
 

As if by magic, the most established, ornately winding, potted pear tree bearing the ripest assortment of packed together fruits, sit before me! With a heavy heart, knowing how little money I had, I flipped over the tag to face the reality of my desire. £9!!! Was that right?! Surely a mistake? But I greedily grabbed the pear tree up! And in my greed, decided to turn my back on the tree, to work out how to buy maybe another olive tree, or even two of them?! How to haggled for three? 
 

I hear the air compression of hydrologic breaks and see the back of a lorry pulling down - my pear tree in it! The owner of the garden stall comes rushing up! “Thank you! Thank you so much for keeping the tree for me! I would have sold it for £9 if you hadn’t of put it aside! Thank you!” 
 

I crumple inside. Smiled back as if; yes, that was my intention all along. I am too, a good person. No, wait. Of course! I would surely not be gleeful in revelry at the thought of getting something for near nothing, with minimal effort?! The olive trees were too much anyway, and the espaliered pear branches drove away, out of sight, forever. That still, majestic, serene… beautiful plant. 

 

 

—-

Walking on a dream 
How can I explain 
Talking to myself? 
Will I see again?

We are always running for the thrill of it thrill of it 
Always pushing up the hill searching for the thrill of it 
On and on and on, we are calling out and out again 
Never looking down, I'm just in awe of what's in front of me

Is it real now? 
Two people become one 
I can feel it 
Two people become one

Thought I'd never see 
The love you found in me 
Now it's changing all the time 
Living in a rhythm where the minutes working overtime

We are always running for the thrill of it thrill of it 
Always pushing up the hill searching for the thrill of it 
On and on and on, we are calling out and out again 
Never looking down, I'm just in awe of what's in front of me

Is it real now? 
Two people become one 
I can feel now 
Two people become one

Catch me, I'm falling down 
Catch me, I'm falling down

Don't stop just keep going on 
I'm your shoulder lean upon 
So come on deliver from inside 
All we got is tonight that is right 'til first light

Is it real now? 
Two people become one 
I can feel now 
Two people become one

——

 

x

[mylolita]

When you have emotion in spades, you don’t know, can’t fathom, any other possible way to be? 
 

It doesn’t mean that after so much has been spilled out all before you, and your heart and your mind is no longer even inside your body, but in the hands of others, that you fantasise, and fake hope - for just one second, one hour - you could blissfully, happily; feel nothing.

 

x

[Batya33]

I'm so glad writing helped and that you got through it.  A mundane question -does your husband -like mine -have an easier time falling asleep/staying asleep/getting enough sleep -sorry if I seem intense about sleep but food=mood and you know -sleep affects so much too.  He obviously works very very hard! - and loves the kids! - but maybe he doesn't get how hard your job is especially when away from home.

I love how your son loves the happy bday song at a restaurant!

[mylolita]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm so glad writing helped and that you got through it.  A mundane question -does your husband -like mine -have an easier time falling asleep/staying asleep/getting enough sleep -sorry if I seem intense about sleep but food=mood and you know -sleep affects so much too.  He obviously works very very hard! - and loves the kids! - but maybe he doesn't get how hard your job is especially when away from home.

I love how your son loves the happy bday song at a restaurant!

Thanks so much Batya! 
 

I have absolutely no problem getting to sleep at all! It just seems when I’m not in my own bed… I struggle? I even took my own pillow as well (princess much?!) but nothing helped. I’m spoilt at home I suppose and I’m used to a window slightly open with ocean breeze billowing through! 
 

My husband is actually the one who struggles to sleep Batya! He has asthma! When the seasons change, he struggles a bit for a week. He has used an inhaler all his life. It’s cute to me and youthful but it’s obviously so hard because he has a bad case. I can’t even imagine. He works long hours and worked himself ragged to be able to take the week off her did. He’s also took all the kids out for half the day today for me - he praised me yesterday telling me I did such a good job handling everything coming home, doing all the washing, cooking and putting the kids to bed, playing with them. He does acknowledge me but as you say, I think there is an element there of us being very different. The things I worry about, don’t even occur to him! And vice versa! 
 

We are very similar (morally, principally; on discipline and education and food and routine) amongst other things regarding parenting but the way we carry these things through are quite different! 
 

For someone like me who is supposed to be wild and adventurous, I sure am a worry head and a fuss pot homebody! Stupid thing is, all that set aside, we had such a good time and want to book to go again sometime after Christmas!! Maybe there will be snow in the forest?! 
 

We had another talk last night across the kitchen island while I put the crockery away. He told me he loves me and always wants to be with me but we have to learn to manage my moods. 
 

I do have a hard time putting myself to bed as in, not getting a late night. I kind of get this second wind as a night owl and want to burn the candle at both ends but - as you know; that backfires! God, does it ever! 
 

More sleep, earlier nights? Maybe, he suggested I plan a walk by myself down the beach every week. He knows I’m obsessed with it there, but when I’m there, I’m always with the bambino’s! I have a close friend here who asked me if we’re gonna carry out this mini road trip to one of my favourite and most bohemian bars and I feel like maybe arranging that for next Saturday? I feel better but flumped. Not sure whether I’m perky and in a good enough mood to plan that and not then curse myself the obligation - as much as I adore my friend. She is truly, such a sweet girl. I admire her greatly. 
 

I think the big caffeine diet might be making me over anxious too? Probably doesn’t help me either Batya. It’s probably not rocket science. The chiddlers are all old enough to sleep through the night! Baby girl is over her cough and seems much better and I’m in a mood where I want to be out there doing things as I’ve had my day of rest! 
 

I have a date night tonight with The Husband. I can tell he’s forgiven me mostly and has warmed back up to me, but honestly Batya he is so calm and stable - I almost envy him as well as admire him. How can he be so cool all the time?! It almost winds me up! 🤪

 

x

[yogacat]

Isn't a wonderful thing that your husband and children still love you in spite of the outbursts?

It must be so exhausting for you to be constantly on your head. I certainly don't think that you should compare yourself with Amelia.

Everyone has their own demons and difficulties even if they appear to be perfect and serene. Believing that would be only selling yourself short and its unlikely that anyone would want that for you.

I do wish you all the best and hope that things work out for you. You are a good person in spite of occasional lapses.

I loved when my ex flew 3,000 miles across the country to drive back with me when I was fearful and a bit cray and he had this wonderful quality of calming me down and seeing over my head not to get into a fight with my dread fears : ) You owe yourself to find the gifts within you, not to give up on yourself, give yourself forgiveness, and be your best you...

peace xo

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

I have a date night tonight with The Husband. I can tell he’s forgiven me mostly and has warmed back up to me, but honestly Batya he is so calm and stable - I almost envy him as well as admire him. How can he be so cool all the time?! It almost winds me up! 🤪

 

Oh I feel you on that -enjoy your dinner!! I am Type A married to Type B -how do they do it??? It also winds me up sometimes too!

Also -signing on to what Yogacat wrote!!

[itsallgrand]

I can guarantee your husband loves your fire. He just wants it in check. And I relate to that. I've had to work very hard over the years to get my more emotional reactive side under control. I was still figuring it out at your age, you aren't alone with that. I'm still  firey to an extent, but it much more in my control now, so it isn't causing issues. But my spirit has always been a bit scrappy. Some people appreciate it, like my SO. But same as your situation, not when it's destructive. And that's totally fair. 

You are self aware and you will figure out your way ❤️

[mylolita]

QUEEN OF THE HOUSE! ☕️🧹🧼!

 

x

[mylolita]

It’s only been a week since D came to me, starry eyed. “Hear me out.” He begins. That’s how everything has always started, with the “hear me outs” and the clasped hands followed by the “It’s a wild card but!” There’s fear in the pupils, exhilaration at the thought of change round the whites.

 

He’d been to view a regency property. Or, it’s best to call it a building. An ornate, dilapidated shop front with huge original, floor to ceiling windows. A quaint matching door to apartments sits cosy next to the other. I’m enthralled and mortified. The place is a wreck. A delightful, beautiful - wreck. 
 

The apartment hall opens out onto elegant wooden arch ways. The sweeping, eternal stair case reminds me of our old Georgian town house. It even smells the same - stripped back, dust laden but immaculate once uncovered floorboards. Stately sash windows that I know now rattle in ocean winter storms. Rooms and rooms open out of small unexpected landings. The regency stair case carries us up and up until we reach a height - overlooking a plain, quiet, commercial street. No greenery, no trees. Just the odd person passing by, the town so close. 
 

The main attraction, the shop - is vast and open. My mind starts skipping over possibilities. Obviously, D was thinking about him - or renting it out and becoming commercial landlords - but he also tells me what about an interior, furnishings shop idea? I could be in one day a week, he could also use is as an office to sit in, or open it by appointment only? I don’t say anything - I’m taking the worn down possibilities in and my heart is starting to race with stress at only imagining it all. 
 

Along with a basement to be revealed to us - last, is the captivating, unexpected element. An overgrown, very decently sized, walk garden at the back. It has a peaceful, secret quality. I am sold. I am exhausted!!! I am worried and I don’t know what we’re doing here while an estate agent hears us passionately patter on, puritans that we are for the retention of romantic old, for preservation and glorification of historic detail - and she’s so spun up in our heady comments that she’s joking “If I win the lottery, I’ll buy this place and get you two to do it up! Please - you MUST have it!”

 

We get home. To our leafy, sedate - PERFECT - absolutely nearly done, sprinkles of last touches needed, three year stress, strife, turmoil of renovation house. In one of the most sought after streets. And we don’t hardly talk about it where we’ve been, even to each other. 
 

In the next few days D arranged for his friend, an interior designer who has helped us with structural changes on the last two renovations, come spend a whole day at the building to look it over, make plans and assess costs. D tells me later that night, it’s me turn to look with Mark again and really take it in. No pressure. Mark is all for it, of course. He’s one of those mad men who has no money and doesn’t think of money anyway, but manages to create and come up with things regardless - whilst staying eerily optimistic and energetic about the whole ordeal. 
 

My mind is whirring and jamming. It has been for five days. I’ve lost bear half a stone. I felt sick coming back from the property last night - entering in the cocoon here I have so diligently and painfully conducted. I fought for this house, like the last. Each one takes a piece of me, and each time I feel like I leave something of my souls remains in the building. 

 

I’m no fool. I know what he’s thinking. The multi layers of potential other income from this, the assurance in unassured times that he might not have to solely rely on his very strange, very close to the wire business. Maybe it’s turning 43. Maybe it’s having three kids all of a sudden and wondering how to make life financially better for them? 
 

The drama and argument lies here - we cannot have both, and we would have to sell our house to buy the other. And another thing - I refuse to live, once again, in a building site. We’d get a team in to blitz it (ho ho ho, so they say!) with a need to be in within three months. I can’t tell you the undertaking this is. I also can’t begin to tell you the undertaking it was to do the first house… or this house… or any of those God damn, breathtaking places, the toil and years off justified in “But this will be my forever home!” And “Never again!”

 

You have to understand the weight, the tired burden, to know what it is to go through this process, that has come over me. And now I’ve seen it, I don’t even know if we have a choice to stay here? Of course, we do… but should we? Or, could we? What’s smart? And what suits us? 
 

That building, in its run down glamour and strange location, in its hidden set up and vaulted secrets - suits us. Were we ever the cosy neighbour, lawn tending types? I don’t know? Was I just, trying to fit in? 
 

A horrible, transient feeling of once again, after all is said and done - I was only passing through. 
 

 

 

You look to me like misty roses 
Too soft to touch 
But too lovely to leave alone 
If I could be like misty roses 
I'd love you much 
You're too lovely to leave alone

Flowers often cried 
But too late to find 
That their beauty has been lost 
With their peace of mind

You look to me like love forever 
Too blue to last 
But too lovely not to try 
If I believe in love forever 
I'd forget the past 
You're too lovely not to try 
You're too lovely not to try

You look to me like misty roses
 

x

 

[mylolita]

I’m wrestling with dread, and delight. Dread and delight! 
 

I feel like I could be sick, all my appetite has gone. 
 

Weighing up pros and cons, and then referring to my heart at the end anyway. A practical passion project, once again. Are there any like that? It’s normally either one or the other. Can something be for love, and money? 
 

I know I’ll always have it in me for “one last turn”. It’s at what cost, seen and unseen, that comes with; is the real decider.

I wish I’d done a million things all five years ago - I wonder what mig it be different? To be in the position I find myself in at 34 is wild all the same. It’s close, but privileged. Not many people have the luxury of agonising over decisions like these.

 

Mental lists are happening. I can’t concentrate on hardly a thing else. Going to the park seems impossible. But I can’t stay here and mull? I wish I could. 
 

About now would be a good time for the unknown, long lost, fabulously wealthy uncle who adores me from afar to burst through a throw cheques at me and tell me to live all my dreams! 

 

x

[mylolita]

What Needs To Be Done, Oh Boy:

 

Arrange our house to be on the market and some form of bridging loan to buy the other building and get to work on it as soon as possible.
 

Arrange for a team and project manager to help us facilitate the whole thing. 
 

Basement/cellar needs light well reinstating

Tanking/full damp proof coursing

Underfloor heating system 

Stone flag flooring

Renovation of wooden staircase and safety locking/security of door making good

 

Exterior fully sanding and painting

Signage designing and arranging 

Outdoor lighting/wiring 

Renovation of two external doors 

Outside potted trees/plants

 

Shop needs fully re-wiring and plumbing arranging

Floor boards to be stripped sanded and painted 

Door to be taken out and boarded up to other part of the house for privacy and separation from shop 

Back windows to be made with frosted glass for garden privacy from shop back 

 

Shop and house full re-plaster

Full re-wire and re-plumbing 

Four walls and two chimney breasts to be knocked through

One Jack and Jill door to be bricked up for privacy separating two bedrooms

3 Georgian fireplaces to be reinstated with hearths 

Cast iron balcony to be added with spiral staircase for private access from kitchen to walled garden 

 

Garden - all concrete flooring to be taken up. Lawn laid on half with drainage and flag stones for the other half. Electric wiring for outdoor lighting. All shrubbery to be trimmed back. Money for planting of trees and creating some boarders with lavender and other climbing plants. Full exterior to be painted a dark cream (4 floors in total). 
 

Bricking up of original old garden access and making a storage room, loo and kitchenette for shop at the back. 
 

Creation of a shed by converting small back room at the end of the house for use in the garden for storage. 
 

Two full bathrooms to be fitted, downstairs loo to be re-done with new bathroom furniture. 
 

Three windows at the back to be reverted back to wooden sash. 
 

Extra light fittings and some furniture to be bought. 
 

Sympathetic renovation/sanding of original stair handrail. 
Seisal carpet runner up whole staircase with stair rods. 
New light switches throughout (maybe about 25 of them needed or more)

Cast iron radiators to be bought (may be estimated 15)

Buzzer fitted for house/door bell

Attic to be boarded out and floored - stair case to be fitted for access - small corridor created to be spliced off one of the bedrooms to make a dormer spare room or office. 
 

Kitchen to be designed, organised and fitted.

Everywhere painted/some skirting boards replaced or mended

 

CONS:

Will have to access back garden by a flight of cast iron steps - awkward if kids want things from the house and awkward for laundry to be brought up and down.

 

A lot of money and time to make it right.

 

Risk of taking on unknown - commercial property. 

 

Potential stress of running and managing a shop - buying stock and having to be there when sick - also the job of hiring someone to man it for at least one to two days a week.

 

Not a family or residential area - a commercial area in the town

 

No greenery out the front - feels slightly bleak to me

 

No front garden

No large established trees in the back! 

Uprooting of the kids and what they have known to love and be comfortable with

 

Extra ten minute walk to school and ten minutes back

 

Windier - closer to the sea 

No families near by 

Shops down below could be sold and made into other things not as appealing 

Residential places on the street are mixed - mostly apartments, some full houses 

Middle daughter will be starting school for the first time amongst all this potential upheaval 

Will still have a mortgage and unknown costs and delays of renovating a period building 

No parking - busier tourists area and location

Not as much flexibility as when husband goes away someone will have to manage the shop for us (he often goes away at the drop of a hat)

Closer to nightlife/ general public 

Everyones reaction when they say “what the hell are you doing I thought you were settled?!”

 

Our kids potential negative reaction

The strain it puts on us financially doing it up and the stress on our time and marriage

 

PROS:

More rooms - scopes for more bedrooms 

Bigger garden with even more of a private feel

Interior wise - the feel is more elegant and appealing and seems to suit our tastes more

Bedrooms and rooms are beautifully proportioned with plenty of light

Big financial scope and freedom at the option of renting out a commercial property and sitting back and being paid well without relying on husbands business 

Scope to try my own business idea and my husbands - we would team up like an interior dream - HA.

 

Can see the ocean from the front room (to one side!) 

Building and set up is quirky - like us - abs unconventional - like us

Much larger kitchen 

In the end, a much bigger building and future investment to leave to our children for no more initial outlay than we are paying here

Reduction in bills and cost of living as commercial tax is much less than our residential council tax here 

Can off set many costs against the business 

Large amount of storage and office space for husband - means he can stop renting the office he pays for in town and truly work from home or shop

Very easy work access - come down your staircase and open your shop on a morning and you can be in and out without travel 

Still very close to all the shops and even closer to the beach 

Our kids potential excitement and positive reaction! 
 

Much more money in the near future leaving options to rent or run another business and potentially rent out the house with it if money came to buy another property in the future 

 

The alternative change of lifestyle - a new bohemian way of living where we live and work all in one.

 

Business premises to leave to our children, or they could also work there as they got older. 
 

An easier, more convenient way of lifestyle that eventually allows us more time as a couple and more financial room to grow/invest - potentially.

 

Financial pressure and burden relieved from husband - retirement source of good passive income where he doesn’t need to work and always carry on how he is. 

 

x

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

First of all -you write beautifully.  

Second it's funny I had some questions -I mean none of this is my business -you didn't ask -but the funny thing is your pro/con answered most of them.  LOL I guess great minds think alike -or "great moms think alike?" 😉

Question -would you need temporary housing during renovation? If so how do you feel about that/is it easy to find a large enough place?

Is it as safe an area especially for raising kids?

Given the commercial nature would it mean you/the kids having less gatherings at your home/having to take them further to hang out with friends?

Totally get all the work you've done on your house -but will it be easy to sell now?

Maybe  you mentioned but what about purchasing - using store as a store -and renting out the rest so having it as rental income -and staying in your current home?

What an adventure -and how head spinning!!

[mylolita]

Being obedient and top of the class at school isn’t always everything… and doesn’t always predisposition too much in life! 

 

 

x

[mylolita]

On 6/7/2024 at 12:09 PM, Batya33 said:

First of all -you write beautifully.  

Second it's funny I had some questions -I mean none of this is my business -you didn't ask -but the funny thing is your pro/con answered most of them.  LOL I guess great minds think alike -or "great moms think alike?" 😉

Question -would you need temporary housing during renovation? If so how do you feel about that/is it easy to find a large enough place?

Is it as safe an area especially for raising kids?

Given the commercial nature would it mean you/the kids having less gatherings at your home/having to take them further to hang out with friends?

Totally get all the work you've done on your house -but will it be easy to sell now?

Maybe  you mentioned but what about purchasing - using store as a store -and renting out the rest so having it as rental income -and staying in your current home?

What an adventure -and how head spinning!!

Afternoon Batya! 
 

Ah, thank you! What a lovely compliment! Normally a load of WAFFLE though Batya but, thanks all the same - really! Do you, by the way, work in the publishing realm? Why am I thinking that?! 
 

And these are all legitimate and great questions that I’ve been wrestling with like a pig! 
 

A bridging loan would enable us to hopefully buy the building while we sell our own house. I’m not prepared to do what we did last time round Batya which was, sell our house in a flurry after a trillion offers came shooting in and then find ourselves homeless within 6 weeks! (It went through very fast!)

 

The building is a commercial building attached or next door to the house - or as you’d technically call it here in England a maisonette, which is living that starts on the first floor (or, three and four floors in this case). The commercial shop would be completely separate to where we live, even though you could hop out of your front door then right next to it hop into the shop! It’s attached but… not. I’d want to keep it that would by bricking up the only door that leads from the side of the shop directly into the hall/our entrance. 
 

The area where we live is all safe - I say this I know, it sounds stupid and unrealistic - but it’s an affluent small coastal town with very low crime and is generally all round a very family orientated place. Even in the town centre (which is titchy and quaint!) has zero to no bother to speak of. It’s quite idyllic in many ways - a great area. 
 

Of course at the moment we live in the residential, sleepy, extremely luscious and green chocolate box side of town. That would be a’changin’ and something I would probably miss. I’d have to compensate with planting small trees in large, weighed pots outside the front doors and making the most of the walled garden at the back! 
 

It’s only a further 10 minute walk from our old house so friends won’t have to be far. It’s arguably even a better location for people visiting because it and central and everyone “nips into town!” 
 

I know for a fact if my husband sets up shop and I inject some interior wears and furnishings alongside he’ll have all his current customers suddenly want to visit. They do now but; even more so if he has a shop. They are often eccentrics but plenty of them have children too and no doubt we’ll be entertaining so there’s a possibility for seeing new people more often, for the kids! 
 

Unfortunately we can’t keep our house at the same time Batya, even though greedily I’d love too. We’d eventually be swapping this for a bigger investment in the long run. The building once done up will be worth more than our house. Or we could just sell the commercial property and keep the residential bit in the future, or just rent the commercial bit out.

 

I also have no doubts our house will sell (oh God, don’t let me jinx this!) Our last one absolutely flew off and we could have gotten near £80,000 more for it with people starting bidding wars but, gallantly, we accepted the first person to give us the asking price (happened within a day of it being on the market). Where we are is even more popular and sought after so my confidence is solid regarding a sale. I used to work in an estate agents as a letting agent so I feel slightly qualified to make judgements and, I have no fear there. 
 

The thought of packing everything up is daunting. The thought of the sale falling through and now we have talked about moving, this house being tainted in some way because of the discussion of the fact?! Strange as that sounds. 
 

Don’t get me wrong - I am so happy here. So much heart and soul and sheer work has gone into this place, so much financial strain to finally be here, that my heart strings are being pulled in both directions. 
 

I borrowed the keys once again yesterday and took a solitary walk along the beach to go see it once again, alone. I became overwhelmed with no one there and sobbed in the hall, my half drunk can of Diet Coke teetered on a ragged stair! I’ve been ill with a very bad cough and cold, flu like symptoms for two weeks now. I haven’t been sleeping well and then this on top? I feel very shook up and conflicted. I’m also not gonna lie - that elegant and quirky, very unusual, unconventional building suits us better. It really does. And my pulse quickens in excitement now as interior ideas have been flooding my psyche since I saw the place! 
 

You’d think I’d have gotten it out of my system by now?! I must be MENTAL! Certified nutso! 
 

Anyway, a kind of emotional, excited, nervous, exhausted, pent up kinda wreck at the moment! With a cough that sounds like I’m dying of consumption! 
 

x

[mylolita]

It’s hard to phathom but - I think we’d find peace there. 
 

A strange, still from above, bustling street from below, kinda peace. 
 

x

[Batya33]

Here's my strong opinion/observation -you are so on top of all the research, the details, the ins and outs, the what ifs -in a very smart and structured way and I know you'll continue with that approach. Therefore even though it's such a hard decision I am so confident you (and husband!) will make a good choice -a perfect choice -no because honestly to me it sounds complex without a chance at perfection -but we're parents so we're used to "good enough" choices all the time.  Does that make sense?

Not in publishing but been "a writer" in one way or another - hobbiy/part of job/schooling -since age 4 so --a really long time! And I'm a total bookworm/avid reader for that long too. 

 

[mylolita]

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Here's my strong opinion/observation -you are so on top of all the research, the details, the ins and outs, the what ifs -in a very smart and structured way and I know you'll continue with that approach. Therefore even though it's such a hard decision I am so confident you (and husband!) will make a good choice -a perfect choice -no because honestly to me it sounds complex without a chance at perfection -but we're parents so we're used to "good enough" choices all the time.  Does that make sense?

Not in publishing but been "a writer" in one way or another - hobbiy/part of job/schooling -since age 4 so --a really long time! And I'm a total bookworm/avid reader for that long too. 

 

Ah, thank you Batya! Again! What a lovely comment. I can only say I wish that was coming out of my parents or in laws mouths (HA!) They are simply not the adventurous or, change seeking types. I admire that, I respect it, part of me wants to even be like them! At the moment, this opportunity has cropped up and put a spanner in my current and new found “slow living!” If this goes down, things are gonna get shook up for at least 4 months in a manic way and then at least a year after while we try navigate having a shop! 
 

My husband has his own art dealing business and has held this down (give or take a few employees over the years and only 2 employees now) for nearly 26 years. He knows what he’s doing online and networking and generally, being a really phenomenal salesman, he really is! Really. And we did nearly secure a shop in London, when I was pregnant with our first. It only fell through because of the landlord changing his mind, and I think it rattled us, and we never tried to look into a different venue. But anyway, water under the bridge - a shop is something that’s been under our radar for over a decade, but money has been ploughed into these huge scale renovations and all have been conservation area properties or, the last, Grade Two listed (which here in England means it is particularly historic and protected in all original features - cannot be changed without permits and planning submitted to the council, yadda yadda). 
 

But Batya! The fear lies in knowing how much work, time and money it takes - how many problems will and do crop up to bite you, and mostly as well, the fact we have never ran a shop, only an online one! I suppose the safety net to it failing would be, let someone else do it and we’ll hopefully take the rent instead! 
 

Anyway, we’re really going through the motions. As hot headed and passionate and emotional and impulsive as I am, can seem - are - I do have an equal part of me that is logical. Which, is the contradiction that seems to always paint my whole personality. Where I am also traditional, I am extremely liberal in many other ways. Where I am heart led, I am also troubled by the ol’ brain kicking in on the flip side! I would actually prefer to be one or the other! Or, have someone just give me a big juicy budget and let me maybe, design their house instead? 🤣

 

I actually don’t want to work - HA! I’ve been content as a lady of leisure for the past 7 years and this is going to be some graft in many ways but then again, we’ve only stopped and finished with the work and moves and buying this past 6 months! Our kitchen was only finished 2 days before Christmas! Are we bored so soon?! God DAMN that husband of mine Batya because I told him, by God you better get off right move as a hobby because I’m sorry to say, I’ll be sat there and it makes me nervous to look across at you and see, on that screen, ‘PROPERTIES FOR SALE IN YOUR AREA’!!!!!!!!

 

🤪 

 

Thank you, again! 
 

Oh and I can imagine, by the way! I’m a big reader too but not in a routine way. And I have my obsessions - if I like a book, I’ll flip it back to the front as soon as I’m finished and read it all over again. Most books that have blown me away I’ll read once every few years, over and over. I’m not sure if people do that often? I don’t read too much new, but I love this place I’ve found here which is a secret woodland book exchange! Anonymous. You leave whatever in a collection box. I’ve read about 5 bloops  from there that have knocked my socks off! The rest have lasted a few paragraphs in and I’ve, sorry, used them as kindling on the fire!!!

 

Any recommendations?! 
 

A secret dream of mine would be to write a book. A novella. My husbands sick of me mentioning it every year! I tell him I should have wrote ‘50 Shades of Grey’ and curse Twilight every other month, but honestly make zero effort to try anything! 

 

Any tips? 
 

x

[Batya33]

I read over and over !  I recommend The Women by Hannah and - this is odd but check out Pineapple Street.  I believe the characters are your age and I just believe you’d like it ! Also have you read the Great Gatsby? Also The Great Alone by Hannah. And recent thrillers by Alafair Burke.  Some loved The Great Circle - for me - yes but a bit too long. Do your in laws live close ?

I really appreciate how you share about yourself because it’s so forthright. My niece in her early 30s recently shared with me that she figured out she spends 2 hours a day in the “loo” peeing. See!  Forthright !! I told her me too but I try to spend part of the time in “deep thoughts “ lol. 
do your in laws live close by?